Husband leaving me and 2 month old

[TheGentleOrca]

looking for some advice from anyone… my husband has told me he is leaving me and our 2 month old baby boy at the end of the month and going back to his home country. Our marriage hasn’t been the same since I gave birth, namely because I have been begging him to help me with a newborn and him flat out not wanting to help because ultimately it’s my job to do this and his to work and provide. I don’t trust him alone with the baby because he does really silly things - unsafe sleeping, wrapping the baby in multiple blankets, won’t change nappy and leaves it for me, not holding the baby correctly with support and I just generally don’t feel safe when I leave the baby with him. Our whole marriage I have always put him above myself and looked after him before myself, making sure he has three home cooked meals and always had breakfast in bed all the way up until I went into labour. He said he is leaving me because I’ve changed so much (now that baby is my priority) and I don’t give him his meals. A part of me laughs on the inside that he is leaving me and our baby because I don’t give him breakfast in bed anymore! He works a chilled job Monday to Friday but on the weekends he sleeps in until 3/4pm and won’t go out with us and makes excuses but will go out to see his friends or sit on him phone for hours on end playing video games. To me he is behaving like a man child and still expects me to wait on him hand and foot whilst juggling a newborn too! I’ve told him countless times I need him to help me and end up relying on my mum so I can do basic things like have a shower and know the baby is ok. There’s been multiple occasions when I’ve gone to the bathroom and I can hear baby crying and I go check and he is on his phone playing games and not attending to the baby crying. We’ve been together for 10years and coming up to 6 years married. He wanted our baby boy so much in the beginning we went though IVF and it shocks me how little he cares now. Am I wrong to not make him a priority anymore?

I cannot believe this is his reasoning 2 months in. He sounds horrible. You are lucky to have your mum around so at least you are not alone.

It’s his loss. I cannot believe he will leave you both. I spent most of my daughters life raising her myself and I know I was much better off without a deadbeat. You will work things out. Take care of yourself during this time x

Well, thank god he's going back, that's all I can say. I'd get your son's birth certificate to a safe place and I'd also get a passport which I'd have sent to your mum's address. That will stop him being able to apply for a passport for the baby.

I think I'd also speak to a solicitor about the chance of abduction - seriously, he says all these things now but if he values having a son (even though he does fuck all for him) then I would rather be safe than sorry.

I would ask him if he would like a lift to the airport.
Then i would go home and change the locks.
I know it won't be easy for you but sounds like you are already doing all the work anyway he is just one less thing to worry about!

Congratulations on your separation. It sounds like an absolute blessing (even if it’s hard for you to see that now). How lovely it will be for you to have only one baby in the house.

@bouncydramatics absolutely has this one.

All I would add is that, if you’re legally married, you must immediately find a family solicitor and find out what you need to do before he goes to protect yourself as much as possible. Do you own a home in joint names? Do you have any other shared assets? Can you afford the mortgage (and afford to take it on) by yourself? Would you be better off selling and moving to soemthing that can be just yours? Would it be useful if you sent off for your child’s passport now, so you have it and he can’t apply for one on the child’s behalf in future? Can he agree to your full custody now or even relinquish PR and sign appropriate paperwork to that effect, so it’s on the record? Are there any other arrangements you should be making?

Once he leaves the country it may be very difficult or impossible to get him to sign any paperwork or live up to any responsibilities (see his current behaviour) but that doesn’t mean he won’t try and throw his weight around later. Take steps not to protect yourself and your child and give yourself as much certainty as possible, so you can move on to a happier future.

Frankly I’d book his ticket just to make sure he bloody left! But would probably check with legal advice first to see how long you need to process any important stuff first.

Promise it will be so much easier without this man in your life.

This thread has especially inspired my advice!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5006126-for-not-allowing-ex-to-take-1-year-old-to-america

Well, his mum I imagine…

Him leaving because you're not cooking his meals, actually sounds quite consistent with his behaviour before the baby came along. Did you think he'd change?

How awful of him and at a time when you are so vulnerable. I agree with everyone as to you being well rid of him but of course with a newborn, it feels like a disaster and it is, - but because of him and not you.

He was unsupportive during your labour because it was all about you and he expects everything to be all about him. He is the centre of attention. I’m afraid behaving like a servant towards him has helped train him to see you as a servant, don’t make that mistake again.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this but hang on to the fact that you have your beautiful, healthy baby. You WILL get through this and your baby will be safe from his father’s noxious attitude. You will bring him up to be a fine man who sees women as equals. Imagine your precious baby reaching 11 or 12 years of age and mirroring his father’s attidude towards you, - ceasing to see you as the beloved sun in his solar system and starting to side with his dad as to you being a boring stupid nag, fit only for washing his clothes and cooking his dinners while his dad gets all his respect and love.

I married a shit man too! Don’t feel stupid. It’s a recoverable error. I have a good life (and husband) now and a wonderful relationship with my children.

Tell him to f* off and don't come back. He's a lazy selfish arsehole who brings nothing to your life except extra work. You don't need him lovely, you and baby will be fine on your own. Have you got support from your own family?

What culture is he from? I lived in India for a few months a decade ago and it sounds very like what Indian men would expect of their wives- they look after house, child and cooking. Hope this doesn’t sound racist but if you are from different cultures it could explain the misunderstanding around his role as a father.

Not making excuses for him though. He sounds like an a*s. This isn’t what marriage or parenting is meant to be like. I’m sorry this is happening to you! I can’t even imagine how tough it must be.

Honestly let him leave. I’ve got a 5 week old and my husband and I are a team. When he’s home from work he does bath time, nappy changes a feeds.

The only part he doesn’t help with his night time feeds and nappy changes because he’s has work the next day and needs to be alert for that.

You and your husband don’t sound like a team at all.

Book his flight for him - on the cheapest shittiest airline with the most convoluted route available, changing planes as many times as possible

You're definitely better off without him.

But you need to work on yourself and why you ever accepted the whole breakfast in bed set up in the first place.

Is he saying he wants any contact with the baby, going forward?

He has had the audacity to call me and ask me to book his flight for him!!!!!

My Christ. Book the flight for this fucker to make sure he really goes.

I have to say, I don't really understand how you thought someone you had waited on hand and foot for years was going to transform into a competent adult and co-parent after a baby was born. It's good that he's shown his true colours so quickly.

What financial position is he leaving you in?

His role as a husband was pretty poor too

God, what rocks do all these men keep crawling out from? Thank your lucky stars your gorgeous son won’t grow up with such a piss poor example of a “father” around. Absolutely book his flight and tell him to fuck off forever.

He has called you to ask you to book his flight?
No problem.
Do book it, one way. With his money, of course. And charge him admin fee.
If you had no baby to care for, I would say to pack his case too and drop him at the damn airport the very tomorrow.
Do not fall for the mind games. Let him go. And if he does not go, which I doubt, you will need to get rid of him.
He is not a man. No life partner. He is a controlling shit at best, and a neglecful heartless shit at worst.

I speak from experience when I say being a single parent is easier than coping with a newborn and someone who is there in body but is no support whatsoever.

You should get urgent legal advice to protect yourself and child in terms of any assets, future maintenance money and also any paperwork you might need him to sign around parental rights.

I agree with pp, I suspect being a solo parent will be easier for you than parenting while babysitting a husband.

You have all the power here, he cant even do basic things for himself.
Make sure you have everything sewn up WATERTIGHT, dont give him any information as to your plans, keep him in the dark & feed him bullshit.

Hope the doorknob knocks some sense into him on the way out.

Your husband is an absolute bastard. You'll be better off without him. Your baby would not be safe with him in charge of him. How can he leave a baby in a dirty nappy and leave him crying? Kick him out today. Get a secret passport for your baby and keep it safe away from your husband so he can't try to get one.

Iv seen this sort of behaviour..im 64 if i knew then what i know now.!!
If you dont get rid of him your whole life will be ruimed..get rid asap