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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband leaving me and 2 month old

120 replies

TheGentleOrca · 12/02/2024 16:25

looking for some advice from anyone… my husband has told me he is leaving me and our 2 month old baby boy at the end of the month and going back to his home country. Our marriage hasn’t been the same since I gave birth, namely because I have been begging him to help me with a newborn and him flat out not wanting to help because ultimately it’s my job to do this and his to work and provide. I don’t trust him alone with the baby because he does really silly things - unsafe sleeping, wrapping the baby in multiple blankets, won’t change nappy and leaves it for me, not holding the baby correctly with support and I just generally don’t feel safe when I leave the baby with him. Our whole marriage I have always put him above myself and looked after him before myself, making sure he has three home cooked meals and always had breakfast in bed all the way up until I went into labour. He said he is leaving me because I’ve changed so much (now that baby is my priority) and I don’t give him his meals. A part of me laughs on the inside that he is leaving me and our baby because I don’t give him breakfast in bed anymore! He works a chilled job Monday to Friday but on the weekends he sleeps in until 3/4pm and won’t go out with us and makes excuses but will go out to see his friends or sit on him phone for hours on end playing video games. To me he is behaving like a man child and still expects me to wait on him hand and foot whilst juggling a newborn too! I’ve told him countless times I need him to help me and end up relying on my mum so I can do basic things like have a shower and know the baby is ok. There’s been multiple occasions when I’ve gone to the bathroom and I can hear baby crying and I go check and he is on his phone playing games and not attending to the baby crying. We’ve been together for 10years and coming up to 6 years married. He wanted our baby boy so much in the beginning we went though IVF and it shocks me how little he cares now. Am I wrong to not make him a priority anymore?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2024 03:15

Some men like the idea of having a baby but are just not cut out to be fathers.
It’s really sad but he clearly doesn’t love his child or his wife. You’ll be much, much happier without him. I’m so sorry, he’s treated you horribly and it must be heartbreaking to see him so indifferent to his baby.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 13/02/2024 03:25

also, if he’s the breadwinner and makes good money that supports your family then I think you are being Unreasonable. Some men really don’t want to stay home and play that role, and instead provide in other ways.

I think the appropriate response to this is:

Are you on glue???

Or just a MRA?

Pinkbonbon · 13/02/2024 03:37

'Some men don't want to play that role'.
Then they shouldn't be fathers.

If a consenting couple want to live like it's 1910 and the women stay home and cook and clean and the men work, that's absolutely fine! Risky for her if he ever leaves and her work history is shot to buggery of course but hey-ho. But if a child is being brought into a relationship, it needs to be with a father who is willing and capable of loving them and treating them like his child. Not like an inconvenient annoyance that his wife is soley responsible for.

I'm guessing op made the mistake so many women do of thinking a baby would being out this mans loving side. Only to realise, he hasn't got one.

WaltzingWaters · 13/02/2024 03:48

Sounds like he’s doing you a massive favour by leaving. What a loser. He doesn’t care about you or his child in the slightest.

Fetaa · 13/02/2024 04:23

thebestinterest · 13/02/2024 02:35

I don’t trust him alone with the baby because he does really silly things - unsafe sleeping, wrapping the baby in multiple blankets, won’t change nappy and leaves it for me, not holding the baby correctly with support and I just generally don’t feel safe when I leave the baby with him

Why do you want him to look after the baby if you yourself say you don’t trust him to? Your logic makes no sense.

also, if he’s the breadwinner and makes good money that supports your family then I think you are being Unreasonable. Some men really don’t want to stay home and play that role, and instead provide in other ways.

Edited

Ridiculous, the man has a baby, it’s normal to be able to responsibly have the baby for an hour or two daily in addition to working a cushy job. Otherwise the woman has the baby 24/7, every night wake, every moment of the day without even a shower or a moment to herself.

Dibbydoos · 13/02/2024 05:13

You set your sights like didn't you, @TheGentleOrca ?

Bye bye AH. He wants a mum not a wife. How tge he'll did you stay with him for 10 years and marry and have a child with him, wtaf?

Baby will get easier to manage over time - focus on you both. He can swivel.

In fact, throw him out, you'd be better off....

FlamingoQueen · 13/02/2024 07:39

You sound awesome and you are much better without this man baby in your life. I also can’t believe you would make a grown man breakfast in bed every day! He’s gone from being the pampered king to a lowly prince and he doesn’t sound happy about it. Good riddance! Good luck to you x

Pintally · 13/02/2024 08:06

Sounds like he’s doing you a favour to be honest!

breathe a sigh of relief and wave him on his way

he’s not behaving like a man child, he IS a man child, and seems he always has been. Not sure how you managed to stay with him for 10 years. Best of luck for the future for you and your baby.

bouncydramatics · 13/02/2024 08:10

Breathe. It will take time but you'll be okay. Call family and friends if you can and let them know. Don't communicate with him except about child and don't allow him or anyone else to try to change your mind or bring you down Flowers

Naunet · 13/02/2024 08:43

Burntouted · 12/02/2024 21:58

What did you expect out of someone that you've always put above yourself and went out of your way to be a housekeeper and caterer to??

You intentionally did this to yourself because of low self esteem and you don't respect yourself...

Didn't you have these types of discussions beforehand?? Like sounds like he expected you to be a "traditional" homemaker and your job to primarily raise kids, while he provided financially. You didn't know this before intentionally marrying him and bringing an innocent person into this situation??
That was his first time telling you that he is only there to primarily provide financially??

Tbh, it seems although he said that, he is trying hard to help out, and bond with the baby but you keep nagging him and critizing him..you won't allow him because you feel the baby is unsafe...perhaps of different parenting styles. He's from a different country, maybe a lot of the women there raise their children like this.

He's a first time parent and is adjusting to having a kid and wife, and trying to support everyone..he is under stress and exhausted as well..
On his days off, you have a problem with how he choses to relax and unwind.. you have a problem with him sleeping, playing video games, hanging out with friends, etc....

Why don't you encourage him and show him how to better manage the child? Take parenting courses together, watch videos, teach him, etc... how do you expect him to get better experience if you don't allow him??

He's sick of you nagging him and trying to control him..also, he thought he was getting a "traditional" homemaker who could handle providing and caring for the home and children. He feels like he has no part in his child's life, no input.

I don't think it's just about meals..that he's leaving.. You don't make him feel wanted, needed, and appreciated, etc... You don't prioritize him anymore...hire a sitter sometimes, sometimes cook for him, go out together, etc...

If the relationship was terrible beforehand, or if deep down inside you knew you didn't want this for your life...there was no need to bring a child into this..

You're tired, he's tired, you want a break, so does he, you want help, so does he, you want him to pull more weight, he wants the same from you, you want a husband and partner, so does he, you want him to be more of a father, perhaps he does and you're preventing this, you want more, so does he, etc... little give from both ends..much taking or trying to from both ends.

Children changes relationships. A child does not fix an already terrible relationship, it makes things worse.
Just prepare to primarily be a single parent, look for jobs (if you havent..if have get another), apply for benefits and housing, child care, Co parenting possibly from a distance, etc...

Please be single for a few years. Primarily focus on your child..of course focus on yourself too..
Sorry this is happening. You both just seem incompatible, and the newest addition made things worse.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you. Learn to raise your standards and expectations. Learn to love and respect yourself. Learn not to settle in or for relationships that don't suite you.

So much projection in this. For example “Tbh, it seems although he said that, he is trying hard to help out, and bond with the baby” what lines in OPs post show that?

Naunet · 13/02/2024 08:45

also, if he’s the breadwinner and makes good money that supports your family then I think you are being Unreasonable. Some men really don’t want to stay home and play that role, and instead provide in other ways.

So it’s fine for people (or just men?) to have a baby and then do zero parenting because they don’t want to? That defence would stand up in court when they’re being charged with child neglect, would it?

Newestname002 · 13/02/2024 09:13

TheGentleOrca · 13/02/2024 00:05

Just giving an update to you all as you’ve all been so kind with your words to me. His home country is tunisia, I’ve hidden birth certificate (no passport yet), my brother is a solicitor so getting a divorce lawyer in place. I confronted him this evening when he came home from work as he called me earlier to say he has handed in his notice to work to the end of March and I told him im not letting him hang out until end of March if he is planning on leaving me and baby he can go now. Went to pack his things couldn’t find suitcase, handed over his keys taken his passport and didn’t say bye to his baby. Locked the door behind him. I feel very scared and unsure about my life right now but I know I need to stay strong for my baby and give him the life he deserves.

Well done OP for taking such good action for you and your child. There are more ducks to get in a row...

  • By all means get legal assistance through a family solicitor ASAP
  • What's your accommodation situation? Do you have a mortgage or are you leasing? I'm assuming he won't pay anything (including child support) once he's in Tunisia so you also need financial advice (speak to Citizens Advice or an independent financial adviser)
  • Don't leave money in any shared bank accounts. Outgoing partners tend to leave and drain the bank accounts. Transfer at least 50% of funds in joint accounts (both current and savings accounts) into accounts solely in your name, and which he has no access to
  • I think you said he handed his keys back to you? Suggest changing the locks or adding an additional lock so he can't just walk in (especially if he had a second set of keys)
  • check if you are eligible for any benefits with Citizens Advice or (www.entitled to.co.uk)
  • Ensure you claim child benefit, which will benefit you in National Insurance payments, and which will count towards your State Pension (www.gov.uk/child benefit)
  • Contact your council online and claim your 25% single adult occupancy discount.
  • when you get your child's passport, see if he can be excluded from travelling with your child. Citizens Advice or your solicitor should be able to advise. I'm unsure if Tunisia is part of The Hague Convention - check online or with your advisers.

Do as much preparation as you can, but you sound as though you will more than survive. Good luck OP. 🌹

BettyBrightStar · 13/02/2024 09:31

LightDrizzle · 13/02/2024 00:39

Be warned, if he has family in Tunisia, once there, his family may shame him about his son and hector him to bring him over to Tunisia to be brought up “properly” with “his family” - he will doubtless be reassured that his female relatives will do all the actual work and raising involved in that. He will get to be Billy Big Bollocks and play his computer games in peace while his mother and sisters wait on him 😕

In short, don’t encourage contact, bad as that sounds, keep tight hold of that birth certificate and never let him take your son abroad.

Agree.

Sherrycat · 13/02/2024 10:54

Op definitely get a passport for your son.
your husband may well apply for a new birth certificate, claiming his current one is lost.

S0ph1a · 06/04/2024 21:07

Take all the money out any joints acounts , not half. You both own all the money in there and have a right to withdraw it. Then put it in your own account in another bank.

Remember that you still have to pay all the bills on the house once he leaves .

Dery · 06/04/2024 23:25

@TheGentleOrca - I’m glad he’s gone and you can focus on your child. For future reference, you say that before your child was born, you always put your DH’s needs first and always prioritised him over you. When the dust settles, perhaps you can reflect on why you did that. It’s actually incredibly unhealthy. In a healthy relationship, there is an even split of priorities between both parties; the needs of one don’t constantly prevail over the other. In other words, it’s not your job to sublimate your needs and always do what your partner wants. A healthy partner won’t want you to do that.

You were right in wanting him to share in parenting your shared child. It isn’t helping by the way; saying helping suggests it’s your job but when both parents are home (eg in the evening), it’s the job of both of them to parent their baby. But he sounds dangerously incompetent (perhaps intentionally) so it’s good that he’s removed himself.

This is very hard on you, OP, but you’ll get through it.

Duckingella · 08/04/2024 17:14

@TheGentleOrca

How are you doing?

Yalta · 01/05/2024 12:24

Why wait till the end of the month. Get rid now and life will become so much easier.

Just make sure to never leave baby alone in case his plan is to take baby with him for his family to raise.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/05/2024 12:26

Yalta · 01/05/2024 12:24

Why wait till the end of the month. Get rid now and life will become so much easier.

Just make sure to never leave baby alone in case his plan is to take baby with him for his family to raise.

This is an old thread. He left her.

Comtesse · 01/05/2024 13:55

good grief he’s such a lowlife - leaving without even saying goodbye to the baby Flowers

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