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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband leaving me and 2 month old

120 replies

TheGentleOrca · 12/02/2024 16:25

looking for some advice from anyone… my husband has told me he is leaving me and our 2 month old baby boy at the end of the month and going back to his home country. Our marriage hasn’t been the same since I gave birth, namely because I have been begging him to help me with a newborn and him flat out not wanting to help because ultimately it’s my job to do this and his to work and provide. I don’t trust him alone with the baby because he does really silly things - unsafe sleeping, wrapping the baby in multiple blankets, won’t change nappy and leaves it for me, not holding the baby correctly with support and I just generally don’t feel safe when I leave the baby with him. Our whole marriage I have always put him above myself and looked after him before myself, making sure he has three home cooked meals and always had breakfast in bed all the way up until I went into labour. He said he is leaving me because I’ve changed so much (now that baby is my priority) and I don’t give him his meals. A part of me laughs on the inside that he is leaving me and our baby because I don’t give him breakfast in bed anymore! He works a chilled job Monday to Friday but on the weekends he sleeps in until 3/4pm and won’t go out with us and makes excuses but will go out to see his friends or sit on him phone for hours on end playing video games. To me he is behaving like a man child and still expects me to wait on him hand and foot whilst juggling a newborn too! I’ve told him countless times I need him to help me and end up relying on my mum so I can do basic things like have a shower and know the baby is ok. There’s been multiple occasions when I’ve gone to the bathroom and I can hear baby crying and I go check and he is on his phone playing games and not attending to the baby crying. We’ve been together for 10years and coming up to 6 years married. He wanted our baby boy so much in the beginning we went though IVF and it shocks me how little he cares now. Am I wrong to not make him a priority anymore?

OP posts:
boozeclues · 12/02/2024 21:32

LTB

I will help you pack his bags and drive him to the airport for you.

I am so sorry for you, I do expect he has used you for marriage and a child to help his settled status in the uk.

Kick the fucker out and file for a divorce asap
Also never give him unsupervised contact, and get your baby a passport and hide it somewhere safe. Also dairies as much of his abuse (leaving a fucking Baby to cry cos he is playing candy crush FFS..)

really sorry OP, as hard it is, please put the practical steps in place so he doesn’t ruin your life further

Burntouted · 12/02/2024 21:58

What did you expect out of someone that you've always put above yourself and went out of your way to be a housekeeper and caterer to??

You intentionally did this to yourself because of low self esteem and you don't respect yourself...

Didn't you have these types of discussions beforehand?? Like sounds like he expected you to be a "traditional" homemaker and your job to primarily raise kids, while he provided financially. You didn't know this before intentionally marrying him and bringing an innocent person into this situation??
That was his first time telling you that he is only there to primarily provide financially??

Tbh, it seems although he said that, he is trying hard to help out, and bond with the baby but you keep nagging him and critizing him..you won't allow him because you feel the baby is unsafe...perhaps of different parenting styles. He's from a different country, maybe a lot of the women there raise their children like this.

He's a first time parent and is adjusting to having a kid and wife, and trying to support everyone..he is under stress and exhausted as well..
On his days off, you have a problem with how he choses to relax and unwind.. you have a problem with him sleeping, playing video games, hanging out with friends, etc....

Why don't you encourage him and show him how to better manage the child? Take parenting courses together, watch videos, teach him, etc... how do you expect him to get better experience if you don't allow him??

He's sick of you nagging him and trying to control him..also, he thought he was getting a "traditional" homemaker who could handle providing and caring for the home and children. He feels like he has no part in his child's life, no input.

I don't think it's just about meals..that he's leaving.. You don't make him feel wanted, needed, and appreciated, etc... You don't prioritize him anymore...hire a sitter sometimes, sometimes cook for him, go out together, etc...

If the relationship was terrible beforehand, or if deep down inside you knew you didn't want this for your life...there was no need to bring a child into this..

You're tired, he's tired, you want a break, so does he, you want help, so does he, you want him to pull more weight, he wants the same from you, you want a husband and partner, so does he, you want him to be more of a father, perhaps he does and you're preventing this, you want more, so does he, etc... little give from both ends..much taking or trying to from both ends.

Children changes relationships. A child does not fix an already terrible relationship, it makes things worse.
Just prepare to primarily be a single parent, look for jobs (if you havent..if have get another), apply for benefits and housing, child care, Co parenting possibly from a distance, etc...

Please be single for a few years. Primarily focus on your child..of course focus on yourself too..
Sorry this is happening. You both just seem incompatible, and the newest addition made things worse.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you. Learn to raise your standards and expectations. Learn to love and respect yourself. Learn not to settle in or for relationships that don't suite you.

TrumpetOfTheMatriarchy · 12/02/2024 22:05

Burntouted · 12/02/2024 21:58

What did you expect out of someone that you've always put above yourself and went out of your way to be a housekeeper and caterer to??

You intentionally did this to yourself because of low self esteem and you don't respect yourself...

Didn't you have these types of discussions beforehand?? Like sounds like he expected you to be a "traditional" homemaker and your job to primarily raise kids, while he provided financially. You didn't know this before intentionally marrying him and bringing an innocent person into this situation??
That was his first time telling you that he is only there to primarily provide financially??

Tbh, it seems although he said that, he is trying hard to help out, and bond with the baby but you keep nagging him and critizing him..you won't allow him because you feel the baby is unsafe...perhaps of different parenting styles. He's from a different country, maybe a lot of the women there raise their children like this.

He's a first time parent and is adjusting to having a kid and wife, and trying to support everyone..he is under stress and exhausted as well..
On his days off, you have a problem with how he choses to relax and unwind.. you have a problem with him sleeping, playing video games, hanging out with friends, etc....

Why don't you encourage him and show him how to better manage the child? Take parenting courses together, watch videos, teach him, etc... how do you expect him to get better experience if you don't allow him??

He's sick of you nagging him and trying to control him..also, he thought he was getting a "traditional" homemaker who could handle providing and caring for the home and children. He feels like he has no part in his child's life, no input.

I don't think it's just about meals..that he's leaving.. You don't make him feel wanted, needed, and appreciated, etc... You don't prioritize him anymore...hire a sitter sometimes, sometimes cook for him, go out together, etc...

If the relationship was terrible beforehand, or if deep down inside you knew you didn't want this for your life...there was no need to bring a child into this..

You're tired, he's tired, you want a break, so does he, you want help, so does he, you want him to pull more weight, he wants the same from you, you want a husband and partner, so does he, you want him to be more of a father, perhaps he does and you're preventing this, you want more, so does he, etc... little give from both ends..much taking or trying to from both ends.

Children changes relationships. A child does not fix an already terrible relationship, it makes things worse.
Just prepare to primarily be a single parent, look for jobs (if you havent..if have get another), apply for benefits and housing, child care, Co parenting possibly from a distance, etc...

Please be single for a few years. Primarily focus on your child..of course focus on yourself too..
Sorry this is happening. You both just seem incompatible, and the newest addition made things worse.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you. Learn to raise your standards and expectations. Learn to love and respect yourself. Learn not to settle in or for relationships that don't suite you.

Wtaf have I just read?

Notreallybarbie1 · 12/02/2024 22:06

MILTOBE · 12/02/2024 19:10

Well, thank god he's going back, that's all I can say. I'd get your son's birth certificate to a safe place and I'd also get a passport which I'd have sent to your mum's address. That will stop him being able to apply for a passport for the baby.

I think I'd also speak to a solicitor about the chance of abduction - seriously, he says all these things now but if he values having a son (even though he does fuck all for him) then I would rather be safe than sorry.

This a thousand times. Depending on where he is from, he could just disappear. I would get some good legal advice too around finances, parental rights and support. You don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. The absolute best of luck to you, I think you will be much better off without him.

brokenbitbybit · 12/02/2024 22:13

I've been in a similar situation, honestly, it feels amazing once they're gone and you get into a routine with your lovely little baby, minus the man child.

You can do this, ask him to go now rather than end of the month.

brokenbitbybit · 12/02/2024 22:16

In fact, I've just read where he asked you to book the flight.

Honestly, such a similar situation, I ended up going and buying him a suitcase, booking his ticket and the Uber to the station.

Good fucking riddance 🙌

carly2803 · 12/02/2024 22:36

TheGentleOrca · 12/02/2024 17:21

Thank you all, every post has left me in a few tears knowing I’m not in the wrong. If he is playing mind games, it’s very nasty. He has had the audacity to call me and ask me to book his flight for him!!!!!

book them, on his card for tomorrow....get him gone!

make sure your child has a passport/birth cert hidden from him,
what is his home country?

be careful he does not try to take your child too

Beaverbridge · 12/02/2024 22:48

Off you pop then, disgraceful man-child. Honestly you're better on your own, he's a hindrance.

lairyfights9 · 12/02/2024 23:06

Bloody hell, honestly let him go, both you and baby would be much happier long term!

Though chances are he's just threatening it to try and get you to fall in line, and I'd bet money he backtracks if you say fine go. (Even if he did backtrack you should tell him to leave anyway!!)

PickAChew · 12/02/2024 23:08

If you do one last thing to mother him, make it packing his bags. You'll be well rid.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/02/2024 23:23

Is he still going into work ?
Where is he sleeping tonight ?
Does your mum live nearby ?
or has she come to stay to help you with baby in the early days.

Make sure he does not have access to baby's passport / birth certificate or your marriage certificate.
Do you have a joint bank account ?
Do you have your own bank account ?
Were you returning to work after maternity leave ?
Do you own / rent your home ?

Did he sleep in til 3/4 pm at weekends before baby came ?

BruFord · 12/02/2024 23:27

Please don’t book his flight for him, he can organize everything himself. I’m so sorry, OP, you’ve got a man child on your hands.

Let him go and focus on your actual child. Please turn your family and friends for support. 💐

Catoo · 12/02/2024 23:37

Burntouted · 12/02/2024 21:58

What did you expect out of someone that you've always put above yourself and went out of your way to be a housekeeper and caterer to??

You intentionally did this to yourself because of low self esteem and you don't respect yourself...

Didn't you have these types of discussions beforehand?? Like sounds like he expected you to be a "traditional" homemaker and your job to primarily raise kids, while he provided financially. You didn't know this before intentionally marrying him and bringing an innocent person into this situation??
That was his first time telling you that he is only there to primarily provide financially??

Tbh, it seems although he said that, he is trying hard to help out, and bond with the baby but you keep nagging him and critizing him..you won't allow him because you feel the baby is unsafe...perhaps of different parenting styles. He's from a different country, maybe a lot of the women there raise their children like this.

He's a first time parent and is adjusting to having a kid and wife, and trying to support everyone..he is under stress and exhausted as well..
On his days off, you have a problem with how he choses to relax and unwind.. you have a problem with him sleeping, playing video games, hanging out with friends, etc....

Why don't you encourage him and show him how to better manage the child? Take parenting courses together, watch videos, teach him, etc... how do you expect him to get better experience if you don't allow him??

He's sick of you nagging him and trying to control him..also, he thought he was getting a "traditional" homemaker who could handle providing and caring for the home and children. He feels like he has no part in his child's life, no input.

I don't think it's just about meals..that he's leaving.. You don't make him feel wanted, needed, and appreciated, etc... You don't prioritize him anymore...hire a sitter sometimes, sometimes cook for him, go out together, etc...

If the relationship was terrible beforehand, or if deep down inside you knew you didn't want this for your life...there was no need to bring a child into this..

You're tired, he's tired, you want a break, so does he, you want help, so does he, you want him to pull more weight, he wants the same from you, you want a husband and partner, so does he, you want him to be more of a father, perhaps he does and you're preventing this, you want more, so does he, etc... little give from both ends..much taking or trying to from both ends.

Children changes relationships. A child does not fix an already terrible relationship, it makes things worse.
Just prepare to primarily be a single parent, look for jobs (if you havent..if have get another), apply for benefits and housing, child care, Co parenting possibly from a distance, etc...

Please be single for a few years. Primarily focus on your child..of course focus on yourself too..
Sorry this is happening. You both just seem incompatible, and the newest addition made things worse.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you. Learn to raise your standards and expectations. Learn to love and respect yourself. Learn not to settle in or for relationships that don't suite you.

Ignore this rambling BS OP.

Catoo · 12/02/2024 23:42

Let him go.
Concentrate on you and baby.

No more breakfast in bed for him. In fact no more catering, laundry etc for him at all.

Agree with PP see a good solicitor. Get organised. Divorce him.

Sorry he’s such an arsehole.
💐

TheGentleOrca · 13/02/2024 00:05

Just giving an update to you all as you’ve all been so kind with your words to me. His home country is tunisia, I’ve hidden birth certificate (no passport yet), my brother is a solicitor so getting a divorce lawyer in place. I confronted him this evening when he came home from work as he called me earlier to say he has handed in his notice to work to the end of March and I told him im not letting him hang out until end of March if he is planning on leaving me and baby he can go now. Went to pack his things couldn’t find suitcase, handed over his keys taken his passport and didn’t say bye to his baby. Locked the door behind him. I feel very scared and unsure about my life right now but I know I need to stay strong for my baby and give him the life he deserves.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 13/02/2024 00:09

TheGentleOrca · 13/02/2024 00:05

Just giving an update to you all as you’ve all been so kind with your words to me. His home country is tunisia, I’ve hidden birth certificate (no passport yet), my brother is a solicitor so getting a divorce lawyer in place. I confronted him this evening when he came home from work as he called me earlier to say he has handed in his notice to work to the end of March and I told him im not letting him hang out until end of March if he is planning on leaving me and baby he can go now. Went to pack his things couldn’t find suitcase, handed over his keys taken his passport and didn’t say bye to his baby. Locked the door behind him. I feel very scared and unsure about my life right now but I know I need to stay strong for my baby and give him the life he deserves.

Well done, it must have been very hard but you have taken the first step towards a calmer and much happier life. You and your baby will be just fine, you already manage without any help from him. You deserve to be with someone who actively wants to take care of you and love you. Wishing you all the very best OP
💐

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 13/02/2024 00:10

You have 100% done the best for your beautiful little boy and also yourself. Your life will be easier without that demanding deadbeat causing you stress and treating you like a servant. You and your child will blossom in your trusted, loving bond. Hurray to your freedom. I salute you and wish you well. 🙌

Ponderingwindow · 13/02/2024 00:24

You shouldn’t want your son growing up in a household where those kinds of unbalanced expectations are acceptable. I don’t know if you went into the marriage with trad wife blinders on or he convinced you that was a good way to live, but you deserve an egalitarian relationship. If you don’t have that, you and your child are better off on your own.

Pinkbonbon · 13/02/2024 00:31

Ive only read your first few posts but...he's horrible. I hope he goes and you never have to deal with his shit again. But I sussiect it's just bs to get you to kiss his ass again.

But in the nicest possible way, he had shown you for years he was a bad person. A mysoginist who expected you to serve him rather than be his equal partner. And now, you've had a child (I'm horrified they let you do ivf with him tbh). Who he sees as his competition.

The further he is from you and baby, the better.

Start divorce proceedings. And hide your sons passport somewhere safe incase he tries to flee the country with him out of spite. You can report this as a possibility to stop him being allowed to fly out of the country with the child too.

LightDrizzle · 13/02/2024 00:39

Be warned, if he has family in Tunisia, once there, his family may shame him about his son and hector him to bring him over to Tunisia to be brought up “properly” with “his family” - he will doubtless be reassured that his female relatives will do all the actual work and raising involved in that. He will get to be Billy Big Bollocks and play his computer games in peace while his mother and sisters wait on him 😕

In short, don’t encourage contact, bad as that sounds, keep tight hold of that birth certificate and never let him take your son abroad.

User839516 · 13/02/2024 02:17

This thread makes me think of this picture.

LargeSquareRock · 13/02/2024 02:30

TheGentleOrca · 13/02/2024 00:05

Just giving an update to you all as you’ve all been so kind with your words to me. His home country is tunisia, I’ve hidden birth certificate (no passport yet), my brother is a solicitor so getting a divorce lawyer in place. I confronted him this evening when he came home from work as he called me earlier to say he has handed in his notice to work to the end of March and I told him im not letting him hang out until end of March if he is planning on leaving me and baby he can go now. Went to pack his things couldn’t find suitcase, handed over his keys taken his passport and didn’t say bye to his baby. Locked the door behind him. I feel very scared and unsure about my life right now but I know I need to stay strong for my baby and give him the life he deserves.

I know you might not feel it, but you’re amazing with boundaries of steel and your baby is lucky to have you.

thebestinterest · 13/02/2024 02:35

I don’t trust him alone with the baby because he does really silly things - unsafe sleeping, wrapping the baby in multiple blankets, won’t change nappy and leaves it for me, not holding the baby correctly with support and I just generally don’t feel safe when I leave the baby with him

Why do you want him to look after the baby if you yourself say you don’t trust him to? Your logic makes no sense.

also, if he’s the breadwinner and makes good money that supports your family then I think you are being Unreasonable. Some men really don’t want to stay home and play that role, and instead provide in other ways.

MariaVT65 · 13/02/2024 02:37

Op i’m glad he’s out of your house but you need to be speaking to a solicitor IMMEDIATELY. I assume him being abroad will make things incredibly difficult in terms of getting a divorce. Please act urgently.

Also apply for a passport for your child immediately so he can’t do it, and then hide it.

And absolutely change the locks.

And please get some counselling to not only help you deal with this bur also to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. It is NOT normal to prioritise a man over you or to make them breakfast in bed every day!

MariaVT65 · 13/02/2024 02:38

thebestinterest · 13/02/2024 02:35

I don’t trust him alone with the baby because he does really silly things - unsafe sleeping, wrapping the baby in multiple blankets, won’t change nappy and leaves it for me, not holding the baby correctly with support and I just generally don’t feel safe when I leave the baby with him

Why do you want him to look after the baby if you yourself say you don’t trust him to? Your logic makes no sense.

also, if he’s the breadwinner and makes good money that supports your family then I think you are being Unreasonable. Some men really don’t want to stay home and play that role, and instead provide in other ways.

Edited

Wtf did I just read? Wtaf is wrong with you

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