Grandparents and childcare

[springlikeish]

Everyone around me has loads of help with childcare and it makes me wonder if my parents are unusual.

My friends get childcare for free and regular sleepovers. My parents haven't taken ours overnight ever and I had to leave my job as we couldn't afford childcare.

They say they've done their bit and now it's time for them to do what they want.

It's become the norm for grandparents to attend parent and toddler sessions due to the rising cost of childcare.

@fluffiphlox I certainly agree that no one should be taken advantage of. And regular childcare is a huge ask, and isn't something I ever expected. However, there's a lot of the other end of the spectrum- I think it's a bit sad when a grandparent always puts the social life over the grandchild. When the grandchild isn't a priority at all.

My Mum doesn't provide any childcare and always comes up with an excuse on the very rare occasions we ask. Like once a year.

Fine. They're not her kids, we chose to have them, she's done her bit, blah blah blah.

But it does sting a little given that I probably spent about 20% of my childhood being looked after by her parents...

Is nice to have some help around and very hands on grandparents that love to have time with the grandchildren. However they don't have to do it. Both approaches are valid. Yours had decided that they don't want to do it and that decision is correct.

I'm with your parents. They have had their children and should be enjoying their lives.

Have you read the thread where someone's upset that her husband is insisting on taking the day off to look after their kids so his mum can go to a funeral?

The poster thinks mil should give more notice and since it should be possible to watch online can still watch the kids as usual. Apparently mil can only be going to bitch about family and raid the buffet. Therefore, she shouldn't let them down by attending an inconveniently scheduled funeral or expect the parents to step up this once despite regular free childcare. Mil once even took a week off and their own father had to cover!! #PicachuFace

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5007541-mil-wants-to-attend-funeral-but-is-supposed-to-be-my-childcare

@manipulatrice I agree that grandparents should be able to live their lives, but mumsnet seems to think that this is an all or nothing thing. As if anything less than 24/7/365 cruises was "not living life". Yes, people do have a right to live their lives, but that does not change the fact that grandkids do loose / are negatively impacted by complete lack of grandparent input.

(Yes, I know plenty of grandparents just can't look after grandkids, for many different reasons).

We've never had any grandparent help. I'd be hard pushed to ask also. GPs see GC but have not had any independent time alone. Ever. In 7 years.

No-one babysits, we don't get "date nights". It's all on my DH and me. School holidays are managed with paid for childcare. We paid over £1200pm for nursery and we currently manage all the school drop off and pick ups between DH and me.

It's really upsetting when you're up against it and see everyone else getting lots of help and support. But I've noticed it does always come with a downside too (if people are honest). Like having to tolerate someone being an arse because you can't get by without their support.

However, being in the trenches with no "village", I also understand why people want to enjoy their lives now their own children have grown. I'm not sure I'd been so keen after all my independent raising of my own family, to step up and do what I would consider "parent like" care for grandchildren.

All the same, it's bloody hard and I do very much understand.

@LameBorzoi but that's their choice? It's not for anyone else to make for them.

@manipulatrice Of course it's their choice; but choices have consequences. Also, if someone chooses tennis lessons over their kids' and grandkids' wellbeing, well, I have less respect for them.

(I want to emphasise, I'm not advocating grandparents being treated as free labour. I'm just talking about occasional support).

God, these replies are harsh. I am sorry, OP.
Among my circle of friends and family, it is normal for GPs to help with childcare.
My DM has my niece two days a week. It's tough for her as she's in her 70s but she wants to do it.
She would have my DS too but we don't live in the same area.
When he was first born she regularly travelled up to look after him while DP and I were at work (we run our own business so maternity / paternity leave was tricky).
Currently DS's other GP has him one day a week, which is a Godsend.
Of course, you can't expect GPs to provide childcare.
But I do think yours are unusual in not wanting to help, especially given you've had twins.
To those saying you should have had a contingency plan in place in the event you had twins - oh FFS!
With that level of planning, no one would ever have a child!
I am so sorry you have had to give up work.
I think it's appalling so many women have to leave their jobs once they have a child because of how expensive childcare is.
That's the problem here - not your parents, or your "lack of planning", but the unavailability of affordable childcare.
That's set to change but until it does it is so hard.
DP and I earn well but we can't afford to have a second child.
I hope things get easier for you soon, OP.
They won't be little for ever. 💐

Depends on your parents age and situation really.

My parents were only 50 & 54 years old when I started having kids. Young enough to look after them, BUT both still working full time.

When my sister had hers, they were late 60's and did do day care one day a week, when they were in their 70's, but it absolutely fucked them up, because they were too old.

Hard to balance really.

You haven't said how old your children are, how old your parents are, and whether they have jobs. All very important info really.

@BlondiesHaveMoreFun Genuine question - do you mean that when your parents were in their 70s that was very detrimental to them, or that they were just very tired on the days that they did childcare? (Yes, a full day of childcare is lot for a lot of people in their 70s)

I will be a dissenting voice and say that your parents are being a bit mean. I am personally of the belief that if you have children, you should help them. Also, I wonder how much help they themselves will expect when they are old and struggling. I could imagine that grandparents who put themselves out and mucked in with the grandkids would be warmly helped in old age, whereas those who said 'not my problem' will have the same returned at them when they need help.

To add to my previous post - I can see how providing too much childcare could be harmful, but there seems to be all this research out there that show grandparents who provide childcare live longer and are more active.

Very good point. And also (in my case) my own parents had all the help in the world from their own parents when we were kids. It's frustrating that they won't do the same - I mean I don't expect the same level - but the odd day wouldn't go amiss.

Not sure how I'd feel if my DC, who I've cared for and supported into adulthood, decided they weren't particularly inclined to help me in old age because I'd not wanted to be an unpaid childminder.

I do believe that spending quality time with grandparents is important, however that doesn't necessarily need to be in the form of childcare.

My parents are happy to spend time with my DC, and they do look take them out, in emergency situations they have collected from school; however that's very different to being tied to regular childcare responsibilities.

I think it depends. Obviously, you shouldn't exploit parents and expect them to devote their whole lives to your kids (see the thread about the funeral yesterday, which is obviously outrageous) However, if you aren't at all willing to help out, I think that is a bit much and it would affect how I felt about your elder care, if I'm honest. Parents supporting children up until 18 is the absolute bare minimum required by law, let alone by morals. Adult children looking after old parents is not a given, it is done out of love but it is not an obligation as the children didn't choose to be born.

Crikey, my DD is grown up now, but my Mum use to ADORE taking care of her. She'd even take her on holiday every summer so I could work or holiday with DP.
My mum and Dad use to cover sports day and do the picnic, take her to see Xmas pantomime and all that.
She'd have her in half-terms and arrange and pay for drama or sports clubs.

If anything it was too much for me and I used to get jealous. But at least I could really progress my career and know my daughter was lavished with love and treats.

@LovelyTheresa That's true, adults taking care of their children til 18 is the bare minimum, however I would still think that would (usually) justify a little help in later years.

I fully understand the frustration of not having that grandparent support net, personally I'm not well off and childcare options are in short supply where I live. I have even had to change careers and take a massive pay cut, but that's not my parent's responsibility.

Its hard we never had help. You just manage I guess. My mother demands alot now. Just stings a bit at times. Was lucky school mams were good take each others kids a bit so got bit of a break that way.

Don't let your mother demand anything. What goes around comes around. I wouldn't be putting myself out for someone who hadn't helped me. Her having raised you is the bare minimum, it doesn't entitle her to free elder care.

It all depends on the relationship, but if a parent had the attitude of 'you're on your own' as soon as I turned 18, then I wouldn't actually help them at all in older age: they had done the mimimum legal by me, so I would do the mimimum legal by them (ie, nothing, parents are not legally entitled to anything from children)

It depends on each person, your relationship with them, how burnt out with child rearing they are over Howe many years , their ages, their other commitments, whether they work etc etc.
I had years of child care due to spaced children and have a full on stressful job - but even if I didn't work, my view is I live and have input into my GC lives but have no desire for taking on any childcare especially at young ages and overnight.
I do have my grandson who is 8 every weekend and holidays with his dad, and if I feel I want quiet time on occasion or a trip with him especially as he's older now and there's not so much responsibility involved. My grand daughter is still a toddler and I've looked after her for a weekend was completely knackered and wouldn't do it regularly. I've done years of looking after my own children with no support, I live and care for them as a GP and see them often, but not as childcare without parents.

Yep works two ways. I told her respect is both ways. No point getting into rants she too old but yeh the hurt is there. She always say x family is great i said good for them. I dont get into it. But those families helped each other.

@LovelyTheresa I only mention bare minimum as you had, I doubt many parents actually cut their children off at 18. Again though, there's a big difference between being involved in family life and providing regular free childcare.