Grandparents and childcare

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Everyone around me has loads of help with childcare and it makes me wonder if my parents are unusual.

My friends get childcare for free and regular sleepovers. My parents haven't taken ours overnight ever and I had to leave my job as we couldn't afford childcare.

They say they've done their bit and now it's time for them to do what they want.

It's become the norm for grandparents to attend parent and toddler sessions due to the rising cost of childcare.

Op def makes things bit easier with help. Same here never had help. Was hard. She expects everyone at her beck and call now though.!! I feel for you. When mine in school the grannies were young 60s. My mam would have been 70s. So age a factor too.

I watched my sister hand her kids over to mum so she could stay in her job without paying childcare and it made me furious.

My mum who had worked her whole life plus raised three kids, lost her well wasn’t retirement and was exhausted. She couldn’t go on a last minute trip or take up an invite for coffee. She was forced to socialise in soft play centres rather than at her church events. It took away all her spontaneity and any youth she had left.

She did offer to do an equivalent for my kids but I wouldn’t even ask her for the odd hour whilst I got a haircut as I hated how little free time she had left. It also drove a wedge between my sister and I. She merrily used the saved childcare money to have lovely holidays and constant beauty treatments.

It’s not their job.
They should spend time with grandchildren on their own terms for fun and to develop the relationship not to prop up the parents.

I would concede that it’s helpful for both sides to do say one or two regular pick ups and tea between end of school day until work day ends but they should have total flexibility to drop it and have their own holiday etc.

Ime this is quite a big drip feed, albeit accidentally. Taking care of two babies at the same time, two toddlers etc is more than many people will willingly take on. It is just totally different to having a singleton. And whilst they may well have not offered anyway, obviously it's more noticeable to you due to the cost and stress of twins.

I'm probably the same age as your parents. Having the monumental stresses of failing businesses through covid, four (now adult) children who I've raised whilst working from home. With many of my same age friends suddenly becoming unwell and consequently less able or sadly very unwell permanently I am now becoming clear on my boundaries for future childcare.

If I'm about I'll happily pick up from child care or school, I'll joyfully spend a day rocking the babies and caring for any age of grandchildren but I can't be regular childcare. I can't be tied weekly. If I'm about and it fits in with my plans I'll do it. I want to live and enjoy times travelling, eating out, visiting friends with my husband.

I've found as I age I get less resilient. The strong dynamic protector I was has weakened and I now long for a quiet life and retirement.

I expect many will feel similar. Especially as we are now expected to work until 66/67.

So every would-be parent should plan for disabled quadruplets to parent singlehandedly whilst estranged from all family and friends and losing their job and home and not have kids unless they can handle that, because all of those things could happen?

How old are they op?

My parents are incredible. Have kids so I can work 2 days, regular sleepovers, take them on holiday. Absolutely adore them and want to see them constantly.
My PiL have never ever babysat or offered to help in any way. They love in the same road as their school yet have only collected them twice as an emergency as I was in hospital.
They usually see them maybe once a month? But often go 3.

Mil held ds in the hospital.. Never touched him again. We moved 45 mins away..
Haven't heard from her in 9 years...
Maybe appreciate any decent relationship your dc can forge with ils....
Flip side I ended up having dgc for 3 days +2 nights every week from 5 months old. Wasn't viable ime..

We have our granddaughter over night Once a week . Yes it is tiring but it has really helped my daughter. She is very appreciative and from my own point of view it gives me peace of mind knowing that she has had one decent nights sleep.
We are all different and what works for us is fine ,but isn’t a thing for other GPs.

Not in our circles, I don’t know anyone that lives near their parents for childcare.

Some friends get occasional help eg school hols but most don’t. We don’t, mine are not local and getting older (mid 70’s). My Dad had a stroke last year and we wouldn’t let him have sole charge in case it happens again (likely in his case).

We pay for childcare.

I suppose if you have the sort of life where you live where you grew up and so does all your family it may be more common.

You can insure against multiple births.

I think I'm in the minority here. We are very lucky that we have grandparents on both sides who bend over backwards to help with childcare because they want to, they have fantastic relationships with their grandchildren.

It isn't just expected of them, they genuinely want to do that. I'm always surprised when people say their parents have the attitude of 'we didn't have any help when we were younger, you'll have to find your own way too'

I'm not saying they should be free childcare 5 days a week, but a day or two a week or when needed is beneficial for them too imo.

I did tell my son and his partner a few years ago that I would try and help with childcare, but only for the odd overnight and weekend. Days would be impossible as at the time I was still working full time and caring for a parent with dementia as well. Cutting hours to provide free childcare would have been impossible for me financially.

I am 64, and a substantial number of my friends are juggling work and caring for their elderly parents as well. I have a good friend who is being criticised by her daughter for not providing free childcare, despite her still working and looking after her dad!

It can't be easy looking back at your childhood, and thinking that it would be the same for your child, but society has changed. It's just not that straightforward now. I can't understand grandparents who are completely hands off though. The best days of my childhood were on my annual weeks holiday to stay with my nan.

Son and partner have decided not to have children, so am quite relieved that my weekends are still my own!

Dont think I enjoy it full T really ties your days but yes I would help. I babysit for my sister she is very thankful

My mother is very sniffy about GPs who provide a lot of support. She was also torn between the desire to spoil against that of being a normal part of day to day life.
Mostly however they went peak cruise during the toddler years. They came away for a couple of nights to a cottage we booked and paid for which was our annual holiday (4nights!) but it wasn't their thing.
They went around the world 48k, then two others within two years. Got norovirus multiple times. We were living on pennies and having to put on a happy face at the struggle to find WiFi at each port wasn't great.
My dad died recently and my mum is adjusting the will. She hated me saying Dad didn't have much of a relationship with the GC, but he didn't. The neighbour knows my children better. So the lack of help does come with a price.

They have no obligation to help with your children. I do think it's a bit sad though. My parents have been a big help to us and have a wonderful, close relationship with my daughter as a result. They frequently tell us how much she has enriched their lives and how they miss her on the days they don't see her. They never hesitate to help, because we are family, and that's what family does. In turn when they are old and frail and need care/ support we will be there 100% for them. If I am lucky enough to ever be a grandparent I will be doing everything I can to support my kids and grandkids. For me that's what it's all about.

But I know plenty of families don't work like this. Plenty of people feel that once their kids turn 18 that's their job done and their kids are on their own from there on. It's just a different attitude towards what family means I suppose. Not wrong, if everyone is happy then it's just as valid, but I can see why it could cause a lot of pain when the parents and the children don't feel the same way.

I do think it’s odd when grandparents don’t help with childcare - particularly if they benefited from the same level of help when they had kids.
We spent a lot of time with grandparents (who offered to help, never forced) and my parents and in laws do the same - they ask to look after my little one and nieces an nephews, they understand childcare is expensive and genuinely want to spend time with them. It’s never transactional.
No one is asking GPs to “raise our kids” by looking after them for a few hours every few weeks if they are physically able. But it’s their perogative to decline sadly.

It's easy to feel resentful, because it makes such a difference if you do have family help. We moved 200 miles to be closer to family but had very little help in the end as my dad sadly became seriously ill, any spare time my mum had went to help my sibling with her kids. Even if family offer help to begin with, they may not be able to give it when push comes to shove, so you can't really depend on it. In law's were much older and couldn't have cared less. My marriage broke down as we had no life! Can you find people in a similar situation and help each other out?

My mum and dad had twins and they never had help... now I have two kids and never had help either... it's the luck of the draw but also, they don't owe us anything.

I am sorry you are finding it tough, but it has to be their choice.

My mum only retired a couple of years ago, my children are now 16, 10. I always wanted her to enjoy them not care for them.

I've no intention of doing childcare in my retirement. I am sorry but I've done my time and after spending time minding my children, grandmother and mother, I and many of my peers have done our time.

Whilst it can be a lovely thing for grandparents to help out, it does take me aback a bit at what seems to be an expectation of it. Ditto inheritances.
I'm seeing more and more posters here on MN for instance, saying things like, "we don't have an family help/inheritance due," as if they're hard-done-by and missing something they "should" have.

If my kids ever start up with "inheritance planning" of OUR money/estate, I shall take steps to leave it all to the local donkey sanctuary.

There is a balance here. It would be nice if they offered to help. My parents also think they have 'done their time' - thing is 'their time' involved one set of grandparents having us one day a week and the other having us two! So they had 3 days of help from their own parents and don't want to offer any help themselves. Fair enough, my kids my responsibility. I never hold it against them, but I do have to bite my tongue when they lament about the fact our kids don't seem as close to them as we were to our grandparents when the reason is pretty clear. They see them once a month-ish compared to once/twice a week. Hopefully the free hours coming in over next couple of years will enable you to work even very part time!

Your children are not the grandparent’s responsibility. I don’t actually know anyone who has regular childcare from grandparents, only emergency backup and the occasional night out at most. It is something I only read about online.

no, you couldn’t know that you would have twins. You also couldn’t know that you would have one healthy baby. Plenty of people end up with difficult, but not extreme, parenting situations. You have to build in enough contingency into your planning for at least a reasonable degree of the unexpected.

I will always step in in an emergency or more minor problem or when my DD and her husband have shift clashes. I love having my DGD but it's been exhausting at times. Now she's four it's a bit easier.

Also my DD knew that I retired in order to be able to be spontaneous and travel, so the last thing she wanted was to prevent that by asking me to do regular care.
I do help a little bit with nursery fees though.

But yes, if you find twins exhausting, OP, their grandparents are going to find them triply so at least. I can't imagine looking after baby twins at my age. I just can't.

It's much harder to look after someone else's baby/toddler than it is your own. The instinct and the experience to know what they want/what's going to help/why they're crying just isn't there. And the responsibility feels huge. I dread anything happening to my DGD in my care. I didn't worry so much about my own!

You may not have known you were having twins, but you knew that you would need childcare. So it doesn't really make a difference that there are 2.