Grandparents and childcare

[springlikeish]

Everyone around me has loads of help with childcare and it makes me wonder if my parents are unusual.

My friends get childcare for free and regular sleepovers. My parents haven't taken ours overnight ever and I had to leave my job as we couldn't afford childcare.

They say they've done their bit and now it's time for them to do what they want.

It's become the norm for grandparents to attend parent and toddler sessions due to the rising cost of childcare.

My parents work full time so no chance of regular childcare (though I’m very grateful that they will babysit for social events).

Having seen countless tired and clearly grumpy grandparents at toddler groups and soft plays, I’m not sure I’d want my parents to provide regular childcare… not for their sakes or for my children’s sakes.

@SilkFloss but inheritance and grandparent childcare can make a huge difference to wealth and opportunities. Some people have money on a scale never before imagined.
My gran left £2,500 in 1994, my grandparents on the other side £5000 once the car was sold, no house.
My in-laws and parents are in a different league, closer to inheritance tax at the moment than not. It no longer just landed gentry that need to estate plan
My GP generation average age at death was 68. this lot will be a minimum of 88.
At the same time all the younger women are working longer hours in better paid jobs with higher housing costs.
We all get older, my mum is getting frailer, I googled supported accommodation for the first time this morning. Should I leave her to get on with that? Or be part of a conversation about the money available.

I hope the donkeys have got an imaginative accounts manager because they will be able to graze the finest lawns with the best race horse style stabling.

My gran did lots of childcare with me and siblings in the 50s. My mum did the same for me. I do it for my GC who are local, not practical for the ones 200 miles away but I do visit and babysit when they find it useful and the kids come and stay with me. It is just normal to me.

I agree that GP don't HAVE to provide childcare but they can definitely have a much better relationship with their GC if they do. My folks are very hands on by choice and have a wonderful relationship with DS. PIL have zero interest and so no real relationship with him. I'm certainly hoping to be very involved if I'm lucky enough to have GC.

Lack of practical help doesn’t automatically equal a lack of relationship - my DD is very close to my parents, we see them twice a month and stay over frequently at weekends. DD adores them and vice versa. They can’t help physically but they are there for us emotionally (and financially - we have had a lot of help there).

To those saying they hope to provide childcare for grandkids, I wonder whether you worked FT when your kids were small?

The reality of looking after small children (who are not your own) 24/7, 365 days a year up until they go to school is, to me, harder than going to work.

YABU.

Your children, your responsibility.

Its nice if GP’s can offer help but definitely should not be expected. Just because other GP’s do it doesn’t mean anything. Other people are millionaires does not mean I should be one!

My husband and I are in our 60s, both retired. We look after our 10 month old GS quite often, at least once a fortnight. We've had him overnight 3 times. We also look after our other GC (boy 14 and girl 11) about once every couple of months.

Nobody ever had our kids when they were little/growing up, and they didn't go to nursery until they were 3. (half a day, term times only) We don't OWE our GC anything, but we like having them when we do.

I can totally understand why you feel disgruntled, OP. We hope our nearest and dearest will step up and offer support when we need it. I can also see the perspective of your parents who really are not obliged to provide childcare. Do they intend to have a relationship with your children? I had a good relationship with my grandparents and they were always happy to see me, but there was no question of them providing any childcare.

Well you knew you wanted children, so should have been saving in the years before hand and during ttc and during pregnancy.

All the grandparents are the same as yours, feel sad that my child probably won't have a great relationship with any of the grandparents but it's GPS decision x

It's so sad grandparents won't help out. I loved being looked after/ staying with my grandparents when I was a child. We had a great bond. They are missing out on so much.
If your parents need help in their old age OP you know what to say!

It is shit. I have no help either and it is really difficult. I know my mum would have helped if she were alive though.

If I am lucky enough to be a granny,I will do anything to help my dc and spend time with my gc.

Yes it does ... it doubles the cost. It's also possible to conceive triplets or even quads. Are you suggesting no one should have kids unless they can afford quadruple the childcare costs just in case? Lots of people put of ttc a sibling because they can't afford the cost. Near me is almost £70 a day for one child!

I totally feel you on this. I get the point of they've done their part, it's not a given that grandparents will help, but I struggle sometimes and need my parents to parent me and they don't want to help me, their own daughter who is clearly struggling. I've stopped asking, I don't visit as much because it upsets me and I hold them at arms length. It's not the best I know but it's what works for us I guess and I'm changing my expectations which apparently according to Mumsnet you should never ever have!

If I'm lucky enough to ever become a grandparent that will be wonderful. If I wanted to be a childminder/nanny I would have pursued that career.

My wonderful MIL will have the kids whenever I ask her, but she enjoys it. One is in nursery the other school with wrap around, she has them so me and DH can go and do things, she will also pick my eldest uo from school if she wants to (she asks) she also had then for 2 nights while DH had a city break. She's the only GP that will do this and she's still fairly young, fit and active.

Yes its shit. Mine much older now so its easier. She expects loads help now though so thats a bit grating at times! If you have good help you very lucky

I suspect grandparents who don't spend much time with their grandchildren, didn't enjoy it that much the first time round. Fair call, it's their prerogative.

Our parents help not at all. Very shit. I expected more from them but I appreciate my children aren't their responsibility.

I don't think there's any reason GPs should need to do childcare.
Yes it's helpful, yes childcare is expensive, yes it would be lovely, but I think an expectation is unreasonable.

MIL and FIL look after DS for 1 hour and 45 minutes a week, as I have therapy- I have said, if you want to have him, you can, if not ill pay my childminder friend.
They'll split with CM friend when I go into hospital next week to be induced with our youngest.

I wouldn't want them to feel as though they had to do anything because we chose to have children.

Thing is, yes it shouldn't be expected as not their responsibility... but I wonder how many of those grandparents will be expecting care from their children they wouldn't help in old age. Take them shopping, to appointments, clean the house and come over because they don't want carers or to go into a home.

Most grandparents used to provide childcare, now they often don't and want to enjoy their retirement responsibility free or still working. They're also more likely to live long enough to need many years of care, which they also expect and think is their child's responsibility as that's what's also always been done. I have a feeling many are in for a shock. And you know what all this 'not my responsibility' leads to? More children in childcare that already doesn't have enough places or funding. More elderly people needing higher levels of care in a sector already also underpaid and understaffed. Elderly not coping but refusing the care and ending up bed blocking hospitals because they aren't safe to discharge home but won't accept help.

Losing this feeling of responsibility for helping eachother has consequences elsewhere on a community level.

It's lovely, and obviously very helpful practically, if GP can help with children. But it should never be assumed, and I completely understand and respect GP who don't want to commit to regular help. Or even feel they can't offer the occasional overnight.

GP these days are often still at work themselves. They have hobbies, friends, a good social life, they may be - at last - enjoying the fruits of their labours and want to travel lots, or spend all their time in the garden or reading or whatever it is they deserve after a lifetime of work.

And then there are those who are older or not well - it isn't fair on them or the children to expect them to do childcare.

I know a family who expected Grandma to give up work to look after new Grandchild, and was shocked. She was clearly still at work because either a) she loved her job, or b) she still needed the money (or both).

Looking after babies or children when you're older is much harder work.

Lovely if GP can help, but certainly not the norm amongst my friends when our DCs were young. Not by a long stretch. And no expectation. Most of my friends and colleagues paid for childcare, and had expected that when they started trying for children.

I don't understand how free child care is so tied in to having a bond with grandchildren. Pretty sure it's still possible for GP have quality time without giving away a chunk of their life. Interesting to see how much time these GPs will be offered with the children once they start school. Looking on here it seems like a monthly visit is considered reasonable. I highly doubt that in a few years time those parents who think free pre school childcare is a good idea will be popping round to granny's house to help with the heavy jobs that are typically a struggle for over 70s

@Notthatcatagain my in laws never helped with childcare and we see them once, if not twice, a week.

I can remember my own GPs taking us for a day out on their own with us just ONCE during my whole childhood. We still saw them every week without fail and loved them dearly. They used to come on holiday with us too.

In summary, I don't think it does affect the bond with the grandkids, unless the DD or DIL is quietly seething about lack of help and doesn't particularly like the GPs to begin with.