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Original poster

Grandparents and childcare

164 replies

springlikeish · 12/02/2024 08:46

Everyone around me has loads of help with childcare and it makes me wonder if my parents are unusual.

My friends get childcare for free and regular sleepovers. My parents haven't taken ours overnight ever and I had to leave my job as we couldn't afford childcare.

They say they've done their bit and now it's time for them to do what they want.

It's become the norm for grandparents to attend parent and toddler sessions due to the rising cost of childcare.

OP posts:
KaySam · 12/02/2024 08:51

I agree with your parents,these are your children they have raised you and potentially sacrificed things while doing so.

some people enjoy being grandparents but also you read on here that some are expected to be free childcare or babysitters.

its your problem you couldn’t afford childcare,this should have been a consideration before having children.

Rocknrollstar · 12/02/2024 08:52

There is no requirement for GPs to undertake childcare. Like your parents say, they have done their bit, and they want to enjoy their time together and do things they couldn’t do when they were bringing up their family. They will probably miss out on a relationship with their GC but maybe they don’t mind.

Original poster
springlikeish · 12/02/2024 08:53

@KaySam we had twins which isn't really something you can plan for.

OP posts:
quisensoucie · 12/02/2024 08:54

Your children, your problem responsibility!

The expectation that GPs will 'step up' and take on babysitting/minding duties because 'other people's parents do it', is ridiculous

Sorry, zero sympathy from those who've 'done it ourselves' because we didn't expect it, or for a myriad of reasons, wasn't available

Dacadactyl · 12/02/2024 08:54

Don't let this become an issue between you.

I also sat at many a toddler group with grandparents looking after their grandkids, while DH parents didn't help us at all.

My own parents lived too far away and tbh, having been a SAHM myself, I can 100% understand grandparents not wanting to do it if they too were SAHP for any length of time.

It is tiring and exhausting (and I was doing it in my 20s!) Let alone doing it at 60+.

The odd day of help would be nice though, have you asked if they'd help out now and again?

KaySam · 12/02/2024 08:55

springlikeish · 12/02/2024 08:53

@KaySam we had twins which isn't really something you can plan for.

Maybe something you cant plan for but you can’t also plan on your parents being free childcare.

Spikyball · 12/02/2024 08:58

I get zero help here too. My parents have never had the children overnight or even alone for an hour! I am now a single parent too with an ex that only manages a few weeks a year parenting.

It does seem to be unusual in the circles I am involved with BUT I don’t think it’s also unreasonable.

Both my parents still work full time and raised 5 of their own children. I can understand why they may be done with that part of their life. To each their own. Would be nice to have a little help at times though. Thankful for amazing friends who help out.

Goinoutalone · 12/02/2024 08:58

@springlikeish I disagree about the not being able to plan for twins. You cannot assume there will only be one baby when you try to conceive…I know I often thought “what if it’s twins?” It happens therefore you should plan for it.

Fizzadora · 12/02/2024 08:59

They don't have to if they don't want to. It's hard work and it's tying. Having to set the alarm to get up early again after a lifetime of work. We have grandchild two consecutive days a week and on the third day we're lucky if we actually get dressed.

It dropping soon to just one day from Easter when some free childcare kicks in and he goes to Nursery for more days. We are mid 60's though. My Mum said it was a lot easier looking after my two nephew's when she was 50 than looking after my only child when she was 60.

I worked part time when my children were small so each set of grandparents only had to do half a day a fortnight and no, we couldn't afford it either and subsidised our income with credit cards for years.

Ladyj84 · 12/02/2024 09:01

Lol take responsibility for your own children and stop moaning. We have a toddler and twins not even a year apart. We have great parents and extended family but never for a minute do I think they should be doing child care etc. I'm an adult I had children and I take care of them. Why do so many people feel entitled

Original poster
springlikeish · 12/02/2024 09:06

@Goinoutalone oh come on 😂 what about the thought of quads? i would've never had kids.

OP posts:
Yahyahs22 · 12/02/2024 09:06

My MIL is great for childcare but my own Dad barely sees them let alone babysits!

ColleenDonaghy · 12/02/2024 09:09

I wouldn't want to look after toddler twins either tbh!

I see a huge range in the families we know. We are close to our parents but they don't live nearby. DH's did a couple of overnights for us but their health no longer allows. My mum has never had the children but she probably would if I asked. I wouldn't though as they're still little and pretty full on for one adult.

I know some grandparents who have volunteered childcare for the first grandchild, but that cute little baby quickly turned into a chaotic toddler and younger sibling, and they've found themselves constantly on call and having to organise holidays around their children and grandchildren.

I know some grandparents who've refused to help anything other than an emergency, having seen their friends lose freedom as above.

I know some families where the grandparents happily provide ad hoc help but nothing regular.

There's no right and wrong.

quisensoucie · 12/02/2024 09:11

springlikeish · 12/02/2024 08:53

@KaySam we had twins which isn't really something you can plan for.

Errm, you have about 8 months to plan...

Original poster
springlikeish · 12/02/2024 09:12

@quisensoucie shut up 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
springlikeish · 12/02/2024 09:13

@ColleenDonaghy yes I agree, there's no right and no wrong I suppose.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/02/2024 09:13

springlikeish · 12/02/2024 08:53

@KaySam we had twins which isn't really something you can plan for.

But they are your children not your parents

ditismooi · 12/02/2024 09:17

My mum had dementia the extent only becoming apparent when my dad died suddenly . Pils live a couple of hours away They did overnights for the odd wedding and I was grateful I had a new born and a primary school child. Occasionally a local mate would offer for a night out when they got older. In the end I had to ditch my career to help with the care and endless emergencies, we trudged on for 10 years . People who moaned about parents not doing the childcare right got a silent eye roll from me . I generally got a sympathetic head tilt from other family members who were parents and to be fair lived a couple of hours away but no offers there either even though we were often on our knees . It is what it is .

quisensoucie · 12/02/2024 09:25

springlikeish · 12/02/2024 09:12

@quisensoucie shut up 😂

Oh, are we having a slanging match now?

ZenNudist · 12/02/2024 09:30

I disagree with this attitude. Your parents did their time and looked after you. It's ridiculous to expect them to raise your DC. Childcare wasn't freely available in your childhood. Your mum presumably looked after you. The period of time until your twins start school is relatively short. Plus it isn't the 80s/90s, your DH can also take part time hours. Allow you to keep your hand in with work. It's hard in the earlier years for everyone.

I and many other people I know didn't get the grandparents helping in the way you describe.

Original poster
springlikeish · 12/02/2024 09:33

@quisensoucie you act like it's possible to control every outcome. To start with we didn't have 8 months to plan. After the initial shock we had the best part of 6 months to plan. How can you realistically change your life to accomodate twins in that time? Unless you have first hand experience in having twins, kindly shush.

OP posts:
anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 12/02/2024 09:35

How old are your twins OP?
My parents wouldn't offer help with childcare when my twins were very young but now they are potty trained and more independent they do help out more for a day here and there - they won't have them overnight though (I have another child too) and I get it's a lot and they are tired etc so have no expectations that way

quisensoucie · 12/02/2024 09:35

Are you going to be rude to the other pp who think YABU?

Original poster
springlikeish · 12/02/2024 09:36

No one else has been rude.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 12/02/2024 09:38

Your parents are correct. It’s not up to them. It’s lovely when they want to step in and help, but it shouldn’t be something you expect (except perhaps for an emergency or special occasion situation).

Both our parents live too far away for regular childcare so we work out work patterns between my partner and I.l to avoid childcare. We are lucky that grandparents will do special occasions childcare so we can have a night away when visiting for example.