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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Update, i took your advice and now feel anxious

130 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 08:37

Update

So i took your advice and last night i told him i dont think he should move in as i dont feel the same as i once did.
He asked if there was someone else, i said no because there isnt.
And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

OP posts:
BreaktheCycle · 12/02/2024 19:56

Christ even your thread title is wimpering, you took our advice and now you're sad, take some ownership FFS.

Oh, so your poor choice in men is the fault of MNetters? 🤣

Take ownership and tell him to sling his hook ASAP!

You have a child. Do it for them if you can’t do it for yourself.

fairymary87 · 12/02/2024 20:14

Girl you need to call it's quits

roses321 · 13/02/2024 11:36

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:59

At no point ever has he assaulted me.
I want to make that clear.
Someone commented mentioning assault and must have my post confused with another they have read.
I have not been assaulted

Look, i'm not going to judge you for not ditching him because it's your journey and frankly a bunch of people on the internet telling you to get out and shaming you for not listening isn't really helpful.

I think a lot of the people commenting though, myself included, have gone on the journey that you've gone on.

Your story reminds me of my ex, that's how it started, and because I put up with it he got bolder and bolder with his behaviour until it did turn into assault because he was just THAT entitled.

I'm not saying that will happen to you, maybe it will, maybe it won't but it's worth bearing in mind this:

What you allow is what will continue.

Women often want to give chances, we say we love them and we often really genuinely do, but we don't love ourselves. We don't see that we actually deserve a person who has basic respect for us, who doesn't treat us like maids, servants, sex dolls and substitute mothers. We deserve respect and equal effort in a relationship.

You don't have to get rid of him, but you do have to set some boundaries which means in my humble opinion - he can do his own washing, he can cook dinner 50% of the time, he can pay for food at least 50% of the time and he can clean up his mess. That's basic. If he can't do any of that for a period of at least 6 months consistently, don't let him move in. You'll never get rid of him if you do that.

You don't owe people your resources sweetheart, especially when they're not doing anything to earn them except "show up" and nod and smile when you basically do what they consider "nagging". This is how it starts with a lot of couples - the woman is accused of "nagging" because she "loves him" and doesn't want to put up with less, but nagging isn't a consequence when it's repeated over and over again, it isn't a boundary either because men learn that they can just brush it off and carry on and you'll do nothing.

For men like my ex, the fact that nothing is actually enacted in the form of a meaningful consequence means they can do even more and nothing will happen - they can keep the status quo and continue their behaviour and even escalate it and still, you'll stay because you love them.

I'm not asking you to do anything about it, but i'm asking you to bear it in mind when you're dealing with people who are happy to take liberties with your kindness and generosity....and your resources.

Consider being in their shoes and thinking about what they are getting out of the situation vs what you are getting out of it. It sounds like your SO is getting a lot out of the situation to be quite honest. What about you?

Consider that actually... you deserve the same level of care as you give others. Yes, really. You do. If he's not giving that consistently and he's just happy to pick up the slack for a week or so after being spoken to repeatedly about it then you're not dealing with a man, you're dealing with a grow up child...and children eventually throw tantrums when they learn they can get away with things and one day you decide to try and put down some rules - put the rules down NOW, and stick by them no matter what.

perfectcolourfound · 13/02/2024 12:40

He left nail clipping on the table? That's disgusting. But it also tells you what he thinks of you and your home.

Can you imagine - your OH tells you they don't want to live with you anymore; don't feel the same about you.

Do you a) feel upset, sad, respect their feelings but may try to show them how much you love and respect them and can make them happy again, or
b) leave your nail clippings on their table.

He is showing you just how much he respects you.

He brings LITERALLY nothing to your life. The relationship is all about you working, trying, spending, worrying about his feelings. Whereas he just lazes around, expects you to do all the work, put all the energy into the relationship, clear up after him, pay for him.

What does he bring, seriously?
What does he THINK he brings? I'd love to know why he thinks you should want to be with him. He just makes your life harder and more expensive, while destroying any self confidence you had.

Please don't capitulate to his suggested 'discussion'. Surely there is nothing to discuss. You've realised he's a lazy, selfish, imature waster who doesn't respect you and you want him out. He's suggesting a discussion because he wants to change your mind.

And of course he wants to change your mind. He has the easiest life with you.

If you want to test how much he loves you and genuinely wants YOU (rather than a mother figure / housekeeper), tell him you'll go back to dating. No more staying at your house. If you eat together, you take equal turns to shop / cook / wash up. You'll never do his washing again. If you go out, you'll share the costs. You will make equal efforts for the relationship (organising dates etc).

But scratch that - don't. He'll probably agree to all that and he won't do it anyway. Or he'll do it for 2 or 3 weeks then revert to type. And even if he COULD change, you're still with a man who doesn't respect you; who can't be bothered to make an effort; who doesn't want to have sex; who's lazy and entitled.

Just bin him. Your life will be much better. And cancel the 'discussion' - it will be a waste of your time and he may break down your barriers then you're back at square one (only worse, as he'll now know that you won't actually leave him, you'll just threaten to then give in).

ArchetypalBusyMum · 13/02/2024 13:38

Well said @perfectcolourfound

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