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Original poster

Update, i took your advice and now feel anxious

130 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 08:37

Update

So i took your advice and last night i told him i dont think he should move in as i dont feel the same as i once did.
He asked if there was someone else, i said no because there isnt.
And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 12/02/2024 16:14

Did you tell him why you dixx do not want him to move in just yet, I think you need to be really clear

roses321 · 12/02/2024 16:18

Yeah generally children don't like it when they are told no.
Frankly I'd be honest with him and say you're not on this Earth to wash his clothes, do his dinner and be his live in concubine/maid/mum.

You're bound to feel anxious because let's face it, if you knew how to stick up for yourself and stand your ground then you wouldn't be doing all that shit for him in the first place!

Ellie56 · 12/02/2024 16:22

Am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

In answer to your original questions:
Yes.
No
Yes

So well done for telling the twat he's not moving in to carry on using you. Now finish it completely and tell him to fuck off back to the stone he crawled out from originally.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

Who cares if his feelings are hurt? He's only upset because he's realised his free ride is over. If the piss taker has the audacity to come to yours tonight, don't let him in. Just tell him it's over, his dinner's at the supermarket and give him his dirty washing back.

You deserve better. Much better. You can tell the twat that too.

roses321 · 12/02/2024 16:32

Ellie56 · 12/02/2024 16:22

Am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

In answer to your original questions:
Yes.
No
Yes

So well done for telling the twat he's not moving in to carry on using you. Now finish it completely and tell him to fuck off back to the stone he crawled out from originally.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

Who cares if his feelings are hurt? He's only upset because he's realised his free ride is over. If the piss taker has the audacity to come to yours tonight, don't let him in. Just tell him it's over, his dinner's at the supermarket and give him his dirty washing back.

You deserve better. Much better. You can tell the twat that too.

Yup.

Or you could make dinner for us and we'll come over and tell him for you!

StaunchMomma · 12/02/2024 16:46

Did you explain your reasoning, OP? Or did he go into such an immediate mardy that you didn't get to?

I do think you need to let him know why, in honesty.

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:06

So i never spoke further to him about it until today. I sent him a message while he was at work explaining how i feel. He is going to come over tomorrow night and talk, i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

OP posts:
Prizefighter · 12/02/2024 17:09

Nail clippings - gross! - you can’t be this desperate? Why why why would you have him back?

AlisonDonut · 12/02/2024 17:09

You can't help some people.

C00k · 12/02/2024 17:12

You’d be insane to allow this specimen in to your kids home again. Do better.

Singleandproud · 12/02/2024 17:12

What is there to talk about?
When he comes have his stuff packed in a box and give it to him and just say it's not working for you any longer. That's it, no need for pouring out your heart or detailing his failings which could lead to a particularly unpleasant conversation and one I wouldn't want to have if my child was there. It's not working for you and that's it.

roses321 · 12/02/2024 17:13

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:06

So i never spoke further to him about it until today. I sent him a message while he was at work explaining how i feel. He is going to come over tomorrow night and talk, i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

Oh man.... that is truly disgusting. I'd put a sign next to them "Exhibit A".

What a prick.

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 17:14

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:06

So i never spoke further to him about it until today. I sent him a message while he was at work explaining how i feel. He is going to come over tomorrow night and talk, i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

After that update what do you honestly expect to get out of having a conversation? Hes not going to suddenly turn into a perfect househusband overnight. This is who he is, he’s a cocklodging slob.

I understand you feel a face to face is needed but please don’t let him sweet talk you round with empty promises.

BlueGrey1 · 12/02/2024 17:20

I think a man like that will be very difficult to change, and unfortunately any changes will possibly only be temporary

LIZS · 12/02/2024 17:21

Frankly is he even worth the time of a conversation. He won't get it nor will he accept it is over because of him. Just bag up anything of his and leave it by the door.

theconfidenceofwho · 12/02/2024 17:23

That's grim Op - you deserve better. He really thinks you're his skivvy.

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 17:25

And don’t wash his skiddy pants and dirty socks before you pack them for him to take back to his mum.

Honestly OP you might not think it now but kicking his scuzzy arse out will feel like a weight been lifted

Sweden99 · 12/02/2024 17:26

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:06

So i never spoke further to him about it until today. I sent him a message while he was at work explaining how i feel. He is going to come over tomorrow night and talk, i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

Seriously, this is the time when he is giving his best impression. This will get worse.

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:26

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair. I do enjoy his company and i love him.
But if things dont change then there is no point continuing and he wont be moving in

OP posts:
Sweden99 · 12/02/2024 17:28

You are being given the chance to stick up for yourself.
His actions are not normal and will get worse if you allow him to get away with this.
He will struggle to find someone better. You will not.

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 17:30

Sorry OP but you’re being a mug. His response to you telling him you don’t want him moving in is as to sulk like a child and leave nail clippings on the coffee table.

He doesn’t deserve an another chance, he’s had plenty already. This is who he is!

Where is your DC on all this? Put them first ahead of this cocklodger

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/02/2024 17:31

People who assault you don't get a chance to change. When they get a chance to change it's nearly always for the worse. Next time you could end up hospital.

What would you say to a friend or a child who had been assaulted? The first one means nothing, it's only an issue if he does it again? You know you wouldn't.

ani4ani · 12/02/2024 17:32

He won't change, he might for a few weeks, but will gradually slip back into the old ways. You'll be much happier once he's gone. You said yourself you don't want to be mum, you want an equal relationship. Don't waste time on someone that will cause you to be (justifiably) resentful.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2024 17:33

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:26

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair. I do enjoy his company and i love him.
But if things dont change then there is no point continuing and he wont be moving in

He's had a year and a half to step up and show you even a modicum of respect and consideration. He hasn't fucking bothered.

He is going to come over tomorrow night and talk, i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

You should be enraged at this. Him leaving his nail clippings for you to pick up shows exactly the level of respect he has for you. Why, why, why are you having him come over to talk? There shouldn't be anything to talk about.

LIZS · 12/02/2024 17:33

He has had time to change but thinks he does not need to. Protect your child from such a pathetic role model.

Lavender14 · 12/02/2024 17:34

I think the thing to understand here op is that he COULD help you out financially, pick up after himself and make an actual effort. He chooses not to. And that speaks volumes about the levels of respect he has for you. So in truth, I don't think that's something someone will change. I think he's showing you who he is and how he plans to live his life and my worry would be that any 'change' would be short lived and if you move in/ get married/ have kids you will always be having to nag and push him to do more than what he actually wants to do because on a fundamental level he just doesn't want to.

I'm not sure why you'd risk tying yourself to someone who is showing you clear disrespect when you're at the easy stage. It's easy to go to someone's house for a day or two and make an effort, it's easy when you're still dating to put on your best version of yourself and woo someone. When you live together full time and especially when you've children it becomes much harder. So if that core value isn't there now I find it really hard to believe that it's going to appear later. I think he'll do the minimum to appease you and you'll end up going through all the same but with a child in tow eventually.

My advice is get out now and go find one of the many men who will actually treat you with the respect you deserve right from the get go. Because they do exist. You set the standards you are happy to live with. Your standard with him has been set.