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Original poster

Update, i took your advice and now feel anxious

130 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 08:37

Update

So i took your advice and last night i told him i dont think he should move in as i dont feel the same as i once did.
He asked if there was someone else, i said no because there isnt.
And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

OP posts:
ani4ani · 12/02/2024 17:34

Whoa he assaulted you? I missed that. Bloody hell op, seriously walk away right now.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/02/2024 17:35

I don't quite understand, you told him he couldn't move in, that you don't feel the same as you once did...and instead of him saying "OK, I'll be off then," he's still at yours sulking?
Does he understand that he's being dumped?
You're going to have be more explicit- " this is over, please go."
Or are you intending to carry the relationship on?

BlueGrey1 · 12/02/2024 17:45

Definitely give him the opportunity to change however grown men don’t change (permanently) their habits easily

Singleandproud · 12/02/2024 17:48

People don't change for an old partner, he might change for a new partner, once a woman shows that they won't put up with his slovenly ways.

Wha do you love about him? Do you love him or the idea of him? Is he kind and considerate to your child putting lots of time in to build a relationship and helping with homework and activities? Is he kind and considerate to you - someone there to learn on when you need him? Does he remember your birthday and think about you at Christmas buying a meaningful gift or show his appreciation in other ways? It doesn't sound like he does any of those things (ignoring the assault - that should have been the first clue to get rid) It sounds more like he is just company on what can be an isolating single parent journey, it is not the case that any company is better than none - I'd rather just have a radio show on in the background than live with a slob like him

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 17:50

DelphiniumBlue · 12/02/2024 17:35

I don't quite understand, you told him he couldn't move in, that you don't feel the same as you once did...and instead of him saying "OK, I'll be off then," he's still at yours sulking?
Does he understand that he's being dumped?
You're going to have be more explicit- " this is over, please go."
Or are you intending to carry the relationship on?

Her latest update she wants to give him a chance because she loves him - so the relationship is continuing it seems 🤷‍♀️

Tarquina · 12/02/2024 17:58

As well as agreeing with everything that has been said before, I would add that you really really need to learn what it means to be assertive full stop you can Google it and read articles maybe watch YouTube videos etc. This situation has partly come about because of your failure to assert your needs. And so he has just walked all over you and even now you are not being clear and assertive. Most of us have been where you are now and we also had to learn assertiveness skills full stop definitely do this before you get involved in another man. Best of luck

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:59

At no point ever has he assaulted me.
I want to make that clear.
Someone commented mentioning assault and must have my post confused with another they have read.
I have not been assaulted

OP posts:
Kerfuffleplunk · 12/02/2024 18:01

@mrsconsuelabananahammock well done for telling him he cant move in ...but long term is this really the sort of person you want to date? someone who is such a slob they leave nail clippings on your table? you have a child and all that you are teaching your child is that women get walked over and treated badly. if you have a child you should only be with someone that adds good things to your life not bad.

LIZS · 12/02/2024 18:03

Agree he has no respect for you or your home. Please set your standards higher. Unfortunately he will never meet them or see why he should.

MissRheingold · 12/02/2024 18:03

He is a useless, pointless dollop who contributes nothing, absolutely nothing to your life whatsoever.

Bin him and block him.

Fetaa · 12/02/2024 18:07

Just lay some very clear boundaries down. You’re not allowing him to move in if he’s not going to be an equal partner contribution wise, both cleaning and financially. You love him but not prepared to play mum to him. It’s very clear cut for you.

Quizine · 12/02/2024 18:19

No to moving in. Good
No to meeting at or staying over in your house anymore. Just date if you can for now - Good

If you ask/beg/plead/demand that he changes of course he will for one night after moving in permanently. It's a game with many of them. Watch your back and don't be so starry eyed. Your instinct told you not to let him move in, so trust it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/02/2024 18:23

So you tried to discuss it with him and he stayed in your house and refused to speak to you and left nail clippings on the table. Don't wait for him to clear up the nail clippings. He will clear them and then minimise them as a non issue. Take a photo and send it to him and say, Here's a good example of what I was talking about.

Someone who controls by sulking and giving you the cold shoulder is coming over to your house again - it's probably going to be him telling you all the reasons why you are wrong and over reacting and maybe adding in a bit of love bombing to make you relent or a few crumbs of affection to get you to go along with what he wants.

That's going to be a fun evening then.

You've said this is making you really anxious. You don't have to have him over to go over the same ground again. Especially if he hasn't apologised for his sulk. If he does come over you ought to insist that He doesn't have to drink while he's there and you are discussing this. If he wants to sulk again, he can drive home.
How many sulks will you be able to put up with? Don't be manipulated by sulking.

OnOtherPlanets · 12/02/2024 18:32

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:26

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair. I do enjoy his company and i love him.
But if things dont change then there is no point continuing and he wont be moving in

Why would he change, when you’ve been bustling around washing his clothes, feeding him and paying for him for half the week for a year and a half, while he doesn’t contribute, leaves his nail clippings lying around in someone else’s house, and sulks when they tell him they don’t want him to move in?

OP, would you like your child to be in your situation? If you’re ok with being mistreated, think of the example you’re giving him or her?

WinterDeWinter · 12/02/2024 18:36

OP, he's not going to change. If he was, he wouldn't have sulked.

He's working out what he needs to do to pull you round again. He'll do it for a bit. Then gradually...

You know what's coming next, don't you? So bin him!

LonginesPrime · 12/02/2024 18:40

i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

So you're just going to leave his nail clippings on your table until tomorrow like some weird shrine?

Can't you pop them in an envelope and post them back to him?

Toooldforthis36 · 12/02/2024 18:49

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:06

So i never spoke further to him about it until today. I sent him a message while he was at work explaining how i feel. He is going to come over tomorrow night and talk, i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

Seriously. The dirty b*stard. Surely you like yourself more than this. You can do better.

80s · 12/02/2024 18:55

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair.
He can only change if he knows exactly what it is that you want to change.
It's unclear to me from your posts whether you have actually told him the things he would need to change in order to have a functioning relationship with you a woman.
Have you told him all the issues?
Surely if you had, then he would have addressed the issues, instead of talking about you potentially having met someone else.
Surely if you had, he wouldn't have left his nail clippings on the table as, after that discussion, it would have been an even more massive "f* you" than it already is.

Sulking - refusing to talk - is a great way of manipulating an anxious person. Let's say he has no answer to a complaint. He can't think of a single excuse, justification, redeeming argument or anything that would make you softer on him.
All he has to do is say nothing, and you (being anxious) start frantically coming up with reasons why he's silent. You look for the excuses, justifications, redeeming arguments etc. for him. He can sit back and rely on your far more fertile imagination to come up with something.
In this case, you decide he must be hurt. You start questioning your own behaviour (was I unreasonable?) and trying to appease him.
He has no idea why the sulking has worked, but it's working out great for him!
So he does it again, and again and again.
Over the years, you feel smaller, and smaller, and smaller. Your anxiety rises. His sulking works even better.

He's already started on this path.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 12/02/2024 19:04

Put his stuff (including dirty washing) in a bin bag & top with the nail clippings.

He doesn't need to come round & talk. He can pick up his stuff from the door step.

You need some serious boundaries. Don't let him or anyone else take advantage of you again. Leaving nail clippings on the table after you had necessary words is really disrespectful.

Sweden99 · 12/02/2024 19:20

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:26

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair. I do enjoy his company and i love him.
But if things dont change then there is no point continuing and he wont be moving in

That is very fair for a fifteen year old.
If he is in his late twenties, then clearly he is actively fighting the opportunity to change. Most people are grown up enough at that stage to contribute rather than make things worse.
If there you want him to change, he needs not to be molly coddled. If you love him, give his the chance to grow up and learn the consequences of his actions.

StephanieSuperpowers · 12/02/2024 19:31

He's coming over tomorrow to chat and clear up his nail clippings? Nothing too urgent...

BreaktheCycle · 12/02/2024 19:33

i also noticed this morning he has left finger nail clippings on the coffee table, they will be there for him when he comes across tomorrow

Gross. Plus, he doesn’t do shit, doesn’t pay for shit and no sex.

There’s no need for him to come over again to talk. You know what to do. Bin him off. The next and final time he darkens your door, it will be so he can pack up any of his stuff and take it back to the cave that he lives in the other four days of the week.

🚩🚩🚩

Dontbeme · 12/02/2024 19:33

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 17:26

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair. I do enjoy his company and i love him.
But if things dont change then there is no point continuing and he wont be moving in

When has he been fair to you? For 18 months he has lived part time at your house, using your electricity, hot water, eating your food that you cook, having his washing done and serviced sexually when he can be bothered. In exchange he has paid nothing towards this, sulks and leaves you nail clippings on your fucking coffee table. Everytime you pay for his food you are taking from your child. Every little bit of heat, light, tv, food spent on him is extra that could be going towards your child's future. Wake up to yourself, get rid of this drain for your child's sake, giving this waste of space man chance after chance doesn't make you "better" than anyone else. Christ even your thread title is wimpering, you took our advice and now you're sad, take some ownership FFS.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/02/2024 19:39

80s · 12/02/2024 18:55

I want to give him the opportunity to change, because i think that is fair.
He can only change if he knows exactly what it is that you want to change.
It's unclear to me from your posts whether you have actually told him the things he would need to change in order to have a functioning relationship with you a woman.
Have you told him all the issues?
Surely if you had, then he would have addressed the issues, instead of talking about you potentially having met someone else.
Surely if you had, he wouldn't have left his nail clippings on the table as, after that discussion, it would have been an even more massive "f* you" than it already is.

Sulking - refusing to talk - is a great way of manipulating an anxious person. Let's say he has no answer to a complaint. He can't think of a single excuse, justification, redeeming argument or anything that would make you softer on him.
All he has to do is say nothing, and you (being anxious) start frantically coming up with reasons why he's silent. You look for the excuses, justifications, redeeming arguments etc. for him. He can sit back and rely on your far more fertile imagination to come up with something.
In this case, you decide he must be hurt. You start questioning your own behaviour (was I unreasonable?) and trying to appease him.
He has no idea why the sulking has worked, but it's working out great for him!
So he does it again, and again and again.
Over the years, you feel smaller, and smaller, and smaller. Your anxiety rises. His sulking works even better.

He's already started on this path.

A very good summary of the sulking technique and why it works.

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 19:45

Christ even your thread title is wimpering, you took our advice and now you're sad, take some ownership FFS.

Glad I’m not the only one who thought that. The thread title and Op do come across as ‘I listened to you lot and now look what you’ve all done to my poor man’

OP I think you need to think very hard and look inwardly to work out where your bar is so low that you would literally accept this freeloading skanky cocklodger just for sake of having any old man. Honestly, being single is a million times preferable to this one sided relationship.

If you can’t find your self respect, then start putting your DC first rather than this grim man child.