Update, i took your advice and now feel anxious

[mrsconsuelabananahammock]

Update

So i took your advice and last night i told him i dont think he should move in as i dont feel the same as i once did.
He asked if there was someone else, i said no because there isnt.
And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

You are not responsible for his feelings, he is.

Lots of good advice above except to suggest you should wait 5 years before moving in with someone. I would say 18 months is a perfectly reasonable period to wait if both parties feel ready and unless you’re really young.

Are you actually anxious as in you have the MH condition or are you actually just a little bit worried you've hurt his feelings, or perhaps just had a boost of adrenaline for standing your ground?

His feelings will mend, he isn't concerned about your feelings when leaving you to mother him and taking advantage of you, you should tell him the actual reason though as otherwise he won't take any responsibility for his actions. It also doesn't sound like you broke up,just that you told him he would move in. You need to break up with him properly otherwise any changes he makes will be temporary and he'll revert to being a cocklodger pretty quickly.

Moving someone in should make life easier and better. The finances are shared, the housework is shared, you get to spend more time together, more sex.

You're not getting any of that. Him moving in would only improve things for him. It would make your life harder and cost you more money.

No wonder he's upset. He's now going to have to do his own laundry and feed himself.

@mrsconsuelabananahammock A sulker?

Please no.
Sulkers are terrible to live with.

Absolutely stick to your guns here.

I'm afraid you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell this cocklodger-in-waiting to go.
it's very clear he wont leave until you do. Unless you want the relationship to continue as it is, silent treatment and all.

How terrible that you have hurt his feelings. Maybe best to just do everything he wants, forever, pay for it all and never make a peep of complaint just so his future feelings are never hurt?

In your very imbalanced set up he is coddled and well taken care of. This was going to become full time - woop woop (for him). You've just told him it's not.
. He could have discussed it like an adult.
. Got to the bottom of what the issues were
.Thought about your point of view and whether you had a point
. Considered if there was anything he needed to change in light of this
. Talked about it, discussed how to make things fair and what division of labour would be reasonable to make a full time living situation attractive.

He didn't do any of those things. He gave you the silent treatment and left you to stew overnight.

Well done for not sleep walking into being a full time mum+house keeper+sex aid situation.

Of course it feels crappy.

If he'd given you a massive hug, told you he'd been a fool and lazy and he would anisotropy pull his weight .. and then proved it... You'd have felt good then.

Just rip off the plaster. He's a dud.

If he doesn't like what you said, he should have a bloody good think about what has brought you to the point where you have put the brakes on and consider his role in causing that.
Then when he's done some honest self examination he can correct his mistakes...

Nahhhh not going to happen.

Instead you are taking yourself apart trying to find the thing you did wrong so you can put it right. That only works if both of you are willing to do that... Otherwise you end up shouldering the blame for everything

But this one isn't on you. It's on him.

Fucking hell, op, get rid of him already. Don't you get it that the silent treatment is his way of trying to manipulate and control you? When will you ever put your child first?

Strange of you not to say before he came over or drank, could of saved yourself an awkward night. Its good you got it out though.
Sounds like you kept it vague by just saying you don't feel the same, so he doesn't know why. Not that it matters, his behaviour has put you off him, so your not wrong and you don't have to teach him to be better for someone else, not your problem. If he asks down the line, you can give him some home truths. In the meantime just fill your time doing what you want rather than pandering to his wants.

No wonder he wants to move in. Cocklodger.

It’s as much his job to make you happy as it is yours to make him happy. This is clearly not an equal relationship. Tell him you’re not his servant and send him packing.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

No, he has made you feel anxious and ill because you didn't give him what he wanted.

His sulking is a method of manipulation and a form of emotional abuse, and if you back down now, he will continue to control you with sulking and giving you the silent treatment whenever he doesn't get his own way.

The fact he behaved like this should confirm that your instincts were spot on in the first place.

He has no shame. He could have got a taxi. I would not stay at someone’s if I didn’t feel welcomed. Don’t make up excuses for him.

Am I the only person thinking 'sod his feelings"?

Well, technically not, as I gather the OP isn't getting any cock.

Yes. Everyone on the thread cares deeply about the pathetic sulking pisstakers feelings🥴
Did you not read the thread? Or even one reply?

You're feeling anxious because you care about his feelings because you're a nice person. It still doesn't change the fact it's the best decision for YOU.

Is your child happy this man is no longer in your home?

I wouldnt have told him the evening he is staying the news precisely becausr of the uncomfortable atmosphere and the drinking id have cancelled his visit over the phone or told him in the morning.
Its normal to feel anxious but u need to help urself with timing and self soothing.

So he's not coming back then surely? Does he have any stuff you need to pack and leave out for him? Does he have a key? Or ... are you seriously suggesting that you are still in a relationship with him?!

OP? What are you afraid of losing? It’s not sex or support, so what is the point of him being in your life? Company? Tell him you’ll meet him down the pub next Thursday then, and he’s getting the first round.

His feelings are hurt because he’s made a dick of everything; that’s not on you.

As you have an actual child, you do not need the practice at dealing with sulking cos Mammy said no. He had a chance to be a real grown up and instead he went in a huff IN SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE!

How is it that you have not thrown his stuff in bags to greet him on his return? It’s up to him if he wants to change and work with you towards what might one day be an adult relationship (probably not) but before that can happen he is needing to go and take a long hard look at himself, to learn and grow - SOMEWHERE ELSE.

You feel awful because you are a people-pleaser, and have been mothering a lazy, stingy man who has no respect for you and uses you as a free food and laundry service . Not alone should he not move in, he shouldn’t contact you again.

OP, remember this for the future. People-pleasing doesn’t get you love, respect or liking. It gets you taken for granted by people who see you as an unpaid service provider because they can see you think their happiness is more important than their own.

He has shown you what a prat he is sulking because he can see his cushy meal ticket coming to an end. If you give in I am sorry but you will get the miserable life you will deserve for being a doormat and a pushover. Bin him.