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Original poster

Update, i took your advice and now feel anxious

130 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 08:37

Update

So i took your advice and last night i told him i dont think he should move in as i dont feel the same as i once did.
He asked if there was someone else, i said no because there isnt.
And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 12/02/2024 09:37

Tell him you are not ready, and your Dc doesn't want someone else moving into his home. I also think one and a half years is too soon, I always gave a minimum of 5 years before talking about living together.

C00k · 12/02/2024 09:40

Tell the loser after his performance last night he is not to enter your home again.

Or, save yourself the energy and just text him that you're no longer attracted to him at all, the relationship is over.
Do not inflict an emotionally abusive, user of a boyfriend on your kid.
Only date intelligent, feminist, fully functional males in future. This one is simply a parasite.

SKG231 · 12/02/2024 09:49

Having these conversations is never easier but it is so much better to be honest rather than bottle it up and be miserable in the long run.

StephanieSuperpowers · 12/02/2024 09:54

Of course you feel anxious about it, it's a very unpleasant thing to have to do. Perfectly natural for you to not be completely neutral about it all. Still though, it seems like it was the right thing to do, because let's face it, his reaction doesn't suggest that he's interested in working through a change.

Stoufer · 12/02/2024 09:59

I think that the key to a good relationship is being able to talk things through - and to let the other partner know if there any issues - but not in an accusatory manner. Sometimes people can get into bad habits, sometimes people can be thoughtless, sometimes people might not realise what the impact of some of their unthinking actions are, sometimes people might have things going on outside of the relationship that the other partner is not aware of (eg issues at work, or issues with family members or whatever). It is so so important to talk about things, and see what solutions there are. Sometimes a solution can be a small thing, something small that someone can do (or not do) that makes the other partner feel loved or valued again. But these things, and other people’s expectations, are not always obvious. So you need to open a dialogue with your partner and find out what is going on, before you make a decision.

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/02/2024 10:09

OP he’s awful to you.
Well done for confronting him.
Now you need to stick by your guns. Get his key off him if he has one or change the locks. Block him
You can do much better than him x

samqueens · 12/02/2024 10:41

I don’t understand - you told him you don’t want him to move in as you don’t feel as you once did?

Isn’t that you ending the relationship?

Why are you waiting for him to decide what that means, and apologise/step up, fill the void? You need to be clearer with yourself about what you will and won’t accept…

Either: look, I feel like your mum - I already have a child. I don’t want you to move in and, unless you’re prepared to do x/y/z I’d like this to be over.

Or: I’m really sorry but this relationship isn’t working for me anymore and I think we should end it, as I don’t want to coast along like this. I want a partner and you want a mother. I’m already a mother so I don’t need your help to fulfil that role.

Normal to feel sad afterwards, to miss some aspects of the relationship, to feel anxious to be alone and wonder what the future will hold.

Not ok to allow things to basically carry on as normal.

What is it you want? !

NeverAHarvester · 12/02/2024 10:45

So he...
Doesn't do housework
Doesn't even clear up after himself
Doesn't buy food
Doesn't cook food
Doesn't do his own washing
Doesn't want to have sex
... and doesn't want to discuss any of this.

I'd say you need to end the relationship but I'm not sure you are actually having a relationship.

Please tell me he's not expecting to come round next weekend?

LakeTiticaca · 12/02/2024 10:50

Pack any stuff he has at your home. Message to him to collect. Change the locks if he has a key. Then block him and move on. He brings nothing positive to your life and just wants free bed and board. He's a loser

FairyMaclary · 12/02/2024 11:03

I am glad you told him this wasn’t acceptable to you. Have you ended the relationship or are you still dating?

I think you need to spend time exploring why you feel guilty for asserting boundaries. This boundary is very normal. And also why you were unhappy to do this initially. Do you find this difficult in other areas of life? Or just with this man?

He hasn’t felt guilty for exploiting your kindness. He doesn’t pay, doesn’t pull his weight etc - you would be crazy to allow him to move in. Why couldn’t he get a cab home if he had had a drink?

DIYnovices · 12/02/2024 11:06

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2024 09:37

Tell him you are not ready, and your Dc doesn't want someone else moving into his home. I also think one and a half years is too soon, I always gave a minimum of 5 years before talking about living together.

Always give a minimum of 5 years? If you’ve done this multiple times it doesn’t seem to be working out for you!

ILoveSpoon · 12/02/2024 11:06

Op, a massive well done to you!

I'm cheering for you. You've made a well reasoned decision and put yourself and your family first by saying No.
I've only just seen your thread but I feel proud of you 💐

I do think he needs to get himself in gear or take a hike (CF getting you to do his washing!). I bet if he moved in her still expect you to pay all bills because "you'd be paying them anyway".
Cocklodger. If you want to give him a chance to be part of your household then he needs to prove/earn it. Don't drop your standards.

Maighnuad · 12/02/2024 11:35

many men are just looking for another mother ! If they don't pull their wait bin them , as this will only get progressively worse!
Really proud of you for doing this ! There is better out there !

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/02/2024 11:39

He's sulking because he had it easy and you've realised he was all taken and no giving.

Why are you worried about hurting his feelings when he's not worried about his sulking hurting yours?

PersephonePomegranate · 12/02/2024 11:40

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

So you'd rather love your life going along with things that you don't want to to avoid upsetting others?

SamW98 · 12/02/2024 12:15

First of all well done for saying no. Dont let his childish sulking sway you into changing your mind.

You feel bad because you’re a good person who has probably gone through life putting others first. Believe me, no one likes confrontation and difficult conversations but they’re a necessity of adult life unless you want to be a total doormat.

Tbh OP you’re barely in a relationship with this freeloader anyway. Letting him move in will just cement the fact you’re a provider fur a cocklodger. And once he’s in, he’ll be harder to get rid of.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 12/02/2024 12:35

He has shown you a really important thing here - if he does not get what he wants, he will use emotional blackmail (you hurt my feelings, etc etc) to manipulate you. PAY ATTENTION. If he moves in, it will get worse.

If I asked you to give me all your money, you will be within your rights to tell me no, even if I said it hurt my feelings. His feelings are not your responsibility, and it is always ok to say no to unreasonable demands and behaviour. Take care, I hope a better person is waiting out there for you.

pikkumyy77 · 12/02/2024 12:39

OhVienna24 · 12/02/2024 08:49

Well he doesn’t want sex and he won’t do anything and he doesn’t pay for it either. What does he expect? Say that to him. It can’t be a surprise that you’re not over the moon.

This. He is not the person who matters in the relationship. Your needs: happiness, security, financial stability, intimacy, etc…come first. He either adds a lot or he needs to get lost. Take a deep breath and kick him to the curb. Then start eirking on your self respect.

thesugarbumfairy · 12/02/2024 12:40

Well done OP. You did a brave and brilliant thing. You put yourself first.
Please don't cave. the anxiety will pass. His feeling are not hurt. His ego is hurt. It is not the same thing. YOUR feeling is that you are looking after another child. This is not how a relationship should be.
I repeat, don't cave. He is a cocklodger and the situation for you would never improve. It would only get worse.

UseOfWeapons · 12/02/2024 12:42

C00k · 12/02/2024 09:40

Tell the loser after his performance last night he is not to enter your home again.

Or, save yourself the energy and just text him that you're no longer attracted to him at all, the relationship is over.
Do not inflict an emotionally abusive, user of a boyfriend on your kid.
Only date intelligent, feminist, fully functional males in future. This one is simply a parasite.

Edited

Please do this, OP.

Just dump this utter cocklodger, by text if you have to, get his stuff out, and block him. Neither you or your child need this ‘man’ in your lives or home.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/02/2024 12:44

I reckon he'll bring some flowers round and then sit down, put the tv on and wait for you to serve him his dinner.

bedsidetablewithtoast · 12/02/2024 12:45

OP, you can tell a lot about a person's character by the way they react when things don't go their way. The fact that he's not speaking to you confirms your suspicion that he is 'another child'. Don't feel guilty! He's showing you that he is who you suspected he was.

Datgal · 12/02/2024 12:47

I was just thinking... could I treat someone I loved (even liked) like he's treated you! And the answer is no. A big fat bloody no. He has no respect or care for you. With any of his behaviour either in the past or recent. Please get rid of him op. He's a big cock lodging baby. And not a nice one.

SwordToFlamethrower · 12/02/2024 12:50

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 12/02/2024 09:11

We had some wine so he couldn't really leave. And he is away to work now

He could have got a taxi!

You dont have to molly coddle him.

I would seriously invest in yourself and get some therapy with a hood psychotherapist to get to the root of your tendancies to be a doormat and servant to men.

You dumped him but made excuses for why he still stayed over!

Please tell me you've told him not to come back?

mumda · 12/02/2024 12:53

"And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word."

Well, you've done the right thing to start off the process of ditching this sulky-adult.