Husband has walked out

[chaosandstrife]

I had a thread on here last year about DH growing distant and then me discovering his 4 month affair. He never actually met her, but planned to, and had given her significant amounts of our savings and told her he loves her / sexted her etc. There’s other stuff too, but that’s the nutshell. We have had extensive counselling, both together and apart. I decided to stay together but my concern was would he be able to sustain the effort it would take to support me getting over this.

in the most part, I would say our relationship has never been stronger. Dh has done so much work with his counsellor and also in marriage counselling. I have full access to his phone, he’s changed his number etc. it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

At the time I contacted another woman he had been messaging. There was 4 in total. She only read the message this week (Facebook) and replied with a load of abuse but basically denying everything that DH already had admitted too. This has massively upset me, raked Everything up, and whilst I’m trying very hard I’ve struggled this week not to feel gutted and then angry again.

me and DH had a fight earlier about something unconnected. I told him I was so angry with him, that I hated him. He replied he hated me too, that I was always woe is me, that he’s had enough. He’s driven off, and I (stupidly) took all the money out the joint account. On realising this, he has messaged me to say I’m a horrible person and he hates me……

so far, so bloody awful. I’m struggling. We have been doing so well, but this has thrown me back to feeling like I did in the beginning - but DH seems resentful of this. I know I’m horrible saying I hated him, but god I’m so over feeling this way. I hate what he did, and I hate his feeling now that I need to get over it and they I’m playing the victim when it hurts. I’m doing so much better, but I can’t heal fast enough. Him saying he hates me too - I feel so angry, like
why? All I’ve bloody done is stay by his side and try get over this and love him.

i know mumsnet always seems LTB, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. He may be at that point of walking away though. What do I do? Tell me how to feel better and get through this please. My sons upstairs and I’m trying so hard to hold this all together

Why on earth would you feel better? You discovered your husband is a cheat and a liar, that he's been messaging (possibly more, or with a view to more) at least 4 women.

The only normal response to that would be to be distraught, hurt, angry, shocked.

If your husband was even remotely genuinely sorry, he would give you much more time to 'get over' what he's done. He'd understand that you may never be able to truly get over it. He would be so very grateful that you'd given him another chance despite him treating you so appallingly. He'd be doing everything in his power to make changes and to ensure he never cheated or lied to you again.

But no, he's pressuring you to get over it / shut up about it. He says he hates you. Why??? He's the only one in the wrong.

Please let him leave. Nothing good will come from begging him to stay.

I don't blame you.

He has some nerve playing the victim when he's the cause of all this misery. I think your marriage has to be over, OP. He's not interested in fixing anything - he expects you to just 'be over it' with no real remorse for what he's done. If anything he seems to be angry that you dare to be upset by it.

Make a solicitor's appointment for as soon as you can and organise your finances. He's really not worth hanging on to. You'll feel better when you take charge of your own life and are making positive actions, not simply reacting to his.

You are both angry right now, for different reasons. All those feelings have resurfaced for you, and he probably feels like he's never going to finish paying for his mistake.
You know him best so must judge if he's a sulking type.
If you don't hate him, then tell him it was said in the heat of the moment. I generally say something like, shall we draw a line under it and not let our disagreement ruin the rest of the night. That's if that's what you want to happen. It must be mega hard trying to get over what he did and you are bound to have wobbles.

Do not continue to do the pick me dance as you’ve been doing. Find your anger, read the script and 180 these types spout and seek legal advice asap. You need time and space apart from him and he should be leaving the marital home now.

He is not worth hanging onto. And he took money meant for his son in part and gave it to her. No one forced him to do that.

Sounds like you can't "get over " it. I d be looking into separating if I were you, 2 parents saying they hate each other is not good for your dc.

Let him go if that's what he wants.

4 women?!

Just no. Its in his nature and he'll do it again.

Of course he hates you. That's why he was playing away and is resentful he's been caught.

In so confused. At the time it was horrific. He had one ‘girlfriend’ but was messaging another 4 - there was over £50k missing from our savings account he had given them. He had a pattern, he sent them the same gifts, poems, photos etc. it was actually really scary - like dating by numbers.

hes done so much work with his counsellor though, and I know he loves me. He’s changed in ways I never would have imagined. But he’s also so angry, usually at himself, but when I get angry with him, it’s with me.

our counsellor has said that if I’ve chosen to stay I can’t be angry with him, but then I stifle it, and I am resentful because it’s so fucking shit, and he gets to just move forward.

I want to save my marriage, I love my husband so much, but I can’t do it by myself. He’s turned his phone off now, so god knows what is actually going through his head.

I know the more details I give the more you will tell me to leave him. How do I get my head to catch up with what’s happening?

I can’t understand why you want to save the marriage. He’s a cheat. It’s ingrained into him and he’ll always be one. How on earth can you get past him giving that amount of money (that was yours too) to random women. He’s a very bad man.

Were these women online romance scammers?

And how dare he berate you for taking money from the joint account when he's blown £50k of family money on chasing these 'women'!

He doesn't love you and counselling doesn't fix anything. Please gather some self esteem and let him go.

Your counsellor is crap. Of course you can "be mad" at him if you stay.

I couldn't forgive or forget that. £50k and 4 women. That's more than just a lapse in judgment or a stupid flirtation.

I would seek out another counsellor, this current one sounds crap. Who are they to tell you that you cannot get angry with him?. I would also suggest you read Not just friends by Shirley Glass and the Chumplady website.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here. He has paid lip service to this. Do not remain in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the child.

50k across five women is not chump change either, it’s a large sum of family money that has gone their way.

The only reason I can try move forward is because he didn’t meet any of them. Also, the fact it was all so cut and paste made me feel marginally better - he was sending them all the same messages about being his soul mate etc.
i know most people couldn’t get over this, trust me, I would be ringing my hands at me too. We genuinely have been in such a better place though, and I thought we could get over it.

My self esteem is on the floor. I’m literally begging him to come back now, and the rational part of me is wondering what the fuck I’m doing, but at the same time, I’m desperate for this to be okay again

He was emotionally invested in them though. Even if nothing sexual happened.

i could forgive a sexual one night stand more than an emotional affair as feelings weren’t involved

He's left, you don't need to make that decision to leave him. He has a cheek being angry about you emptying the bank account. He gave £50k to other women.

It won't be ever okay though. You have tried and tried, albeit with a terrible counsellor. The clue is in your DHs response. He hates you because you are forcing him to work for your trust and your support. He wants your complete forgiveness and how dare you not give it.

I'm very very surprised you have a joint account after he stole £50K off you.

Wow he took 50k from your kids & spent it on 4 women!
Then says you are playing the victim!
Why on earth do you want to stay with him

I have my own account, but he closed all of his and just has the joint account with me. I can see on life360 he’s round the corner and I just don’t know what to say if he comes home now. I want him home and I need more time all at once

I really am listening, I’m sorry if I’m not answering everything properly - i am such a mess.

Why do you want him back?

Are the posters whose husband wasn’t fussed when you first found out and said he was planning on leaving in spring?