Husband has walked out

[chaosandstrife]

I had a thread on here last year about DH growing distant and then me discovering his 4 month affair. He never actually met her, but planned to, and had given her significant amounts of our savings and told her he loves her / sexted her etc. There’s other stuff too, but that’s the nutshell. We have had extensive counselling, both together and apart. I decided to stay together but my concern was would he be able to sustain the effort it would take to support me getting over this.

in the most part, I would say our relationship has never been stronger. Dh has done so much work with his counsellor and also in marriage counselling. I have full access to his phone, he’s changed his number etc. it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

At the time I contacted another woman he had been messaging. There was 4 in total. She only read the message this week (Facebook) and replied with a load of abuse but basically denying everything that DH already had admitted too. This has massively upset me, raked Everything up, and whilst I’m trying very hard I’ve struggled this week not to feel gutted and then angry again.

me and DH had a fight earlier about something unconnected. I told him I was so angry with him, that I hated him. He replied he hated me too, that I was always woe is me, that he’s had enough. He’s driven off, and I (stupidly) took all the money out the joint account. On realising this, he has messaged me to say I’m a horrible person and he hates me……

so far, so bloody awful. I’m struggling. We have been doing so well, but this has thrown me back to feeling like I did in the beginning - but DH seems resentful of this. I know I’m horrible saying I hated him, but god I’m so over feeling this way. I hate what he did, and I hate his feeling now that I need to get over it and they I’m playing the victim when it hurts. I’m doing so much better, but I can’t heal fast enough. Him saying he hates me too - I feel so angry, like
why? All I’ve bloody done is stay by his side and try get over this and love him.

i know mumsnet always seems LTB, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. He may be at that point of walking away though. What do I do? Tell me how to feel better and get through this please. My sons upstairs and I’m trying so hard to hold this all together

Surely the OP is owed £25k from her husband anyway? If he spent £50k of their money on gifts for other women. I really don’t think the joint account is the issue here.

Best friend??!!. He's not a friend, he doesn't even like you. He came back because he's probably got nowhere else. You need to listen to the advice on here for you and your children's sakes.

Has he paid back the money he squandered on other women?

Im asking because I'm concerned that he has asked her to do this and she may have complied

Not because I think she should do do! Far from it

I know the more details I give the more you will tell me to leave him

You need to pull yourself together and stop being a fool.

Don't waste your life on a cheating piece of shit who treats you and your family with utter contempt. You deserve so much more than the miserable, resentful shit you’re living.

It’s quite disturbing to see how apologetic you are for him and his behaviour. He’s scum.

I really hope you dig deep and find some self-respect soon @chaosandstrife. Good luck.

I don't think it's that helpful to berate the OP and call her names. She's not the one in the wrong here. This guy has obviously done a huge number on her self esteem and some compassion is warranted. Have you ever tried to end a relationship? Any relationship can be tough to let go of, but one where your sense of self has been hammered into the ground is even harder to leave.

OP I hope you'll come back to the thread for support - there are supportive people on here! Or make a new thread if the unkind comments on this one are too much to deal with right now. I hope you're okay.

Oh OP, I can feel your heartbreak in your words, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

Try to think objectively about the way he's looking at you, speaking to you, treating you. The love and respect is gone. There's nothing you can do to make him be the person you want him to be. The pleading, calling, just strengthens his contempt and makes you feel shit about yourself.

You need to turn away from him and towards someone who will give you the care and support you need right now. Ideally family or good friends, if that's not possible try therapy. They will help you build up your strength so you can deal with the practicalities.

If you do ever want this marriage to work (and none of us on here think you should but I respect your wishes), it needs to be a pairing of two equals who respect each other. You need to be on your feet, not your knees, and with your shit together so both of you know you're only there because you want to be, not because you have no other options.