Husband has walked out

[chaosandstrife]

I had a thread on here last year about DH growing distant and then me discovering his 4 month affair. He never actually met her, but planned to, and had given her significant amounts of our savings and told her he loves her / sexted her etc. There’s other stuff too, but that’s the nutshell. We have had extensive counselling, both together and apart. I decided to stay together but my concern was would he be able to sustain the effort it would take to support me getting over this.

in the most part, I would say our relationship has never been stronger. Dh has done so much work with his counsellor and also in marriage counselling. I have full access to his phone, he’s changed his number etc. it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

At the time I contacted another woman he had been messaging. There was 4 in total. She only read the message this week (Facebook) and replied with a load of abuse but basically denying everything that DH already had admitted too. This has massively upset me, raked Everything up, and whilst I’m trying very hard I’ve struggled this week not to feel gutted and then angry again.

me and DH had a fight earlier about something unconnected. I told him I was so angry with him, that I hated him. He replied he hated me too, that I was always woe is me, that he’s had enough. He’s driven off, and I (stupidly) took all the money out the joint account. On realising this, he has messaged me to say I’m a horrible person and he hates me……

so far, so bloody awful. I’m struggling. We have been doing so well, but this has thrown me back to feeling like I did in the beginning - but DH seems resentful of this. I know I’m horrible saying I hated him, but god I’m so over feeling this way. I hate what he did, and I hate his feeling now that I need to get over it and they I’m playing the victim when it hurts. I’m doing so much better, but I can’t heal fast enough. Him saying he hates me too - I feel so angry, like
why? All I’ve bloody done is stay by his side and try get over this and love him.

i know mumsnet always seems LTB, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. He may be at that point of walking away though. What do I do? Tell me how to feel better and get through this please. My sons upstairs and I’m trying so hard to hold this all together

He has left again this morning. I’ve begged him to stay. He said I’m droning on about what happened so I told him to get a bag and leave and then instantly regretted it. I don’t know where my self worth has gone. I can see on paper how pathetic I am being, but I want him home and I want our marriage to work.

Please help me, I’m hurting so much right now and I don’t know how to get through the next few hours let alone days or weeks

OP he’s not good for you.
He is treating you terribly and making you very miserable. I think you are moarning the fantasy and not the reality.

How do I let go? How do I just let him walk away? I’ve called him about 15 times and he’s not answering. I don’t know if I’m just saying the bad bits here. But we have some amazing moments too. I’m scared of losing him. I love him. I can see how utterly pathetic I look typing this. He said I was droning on this morning, I’ve turned into this pathetic door mat, even he can see it.

Op can I be completely honest? Yes the word i’m also thinking now is ‘pathetic’. It seems you’re not listening to anyone on this thread so how can we help you?

Take a step back and look at your own behaviour now please. Ask yourself where your self worth is. Ask yourself if you think it’s ok to call someone 15 times, regardless of the reason. It’s clearly not going to work out, you need to divorce him. He’s not good for you.

Please reach out to friends and family IRL if you will listen to them more, and please seek urgent therapy.

You’re trauma bonded to him. It will get better

OP, you're not listening to any of the advice being given to you and yes you are coming across pathetic. You keep mentioning these 'amazing moments' but they don't make up for everything else he has done. It's not normal to call someone 15 times, especially when you've just asked them to leave. Find some self esteem and get rid.

To be honest, the "bad bits" are a million times worse than most people's bad bits so they kind of outweigh any good attributes that you could tell us about him...

As others have said, you don't even seem to be listening to any of the advice on here so not really sure why you've posted.

But yes, you're coming across as pathetic and the more you chase after him the more he's going to ignore you.

Get some self respect.

Well you don't put the joint account money back for a start!

What's happened about all the money he effectively stole from his family?

This really wasn't just a little 'fling'

Get yourself, on your own, to a very good counsellor.

Who will help you look at what you're putting up with.

No 'good bits' outweigh the bad bits here

I'm really sorry, but I don't see how it can

He has all the power so he can do it all again

Is that how you want to live?

Do you have a friend in real life you can stay with? How old is your Son OP? Why don't you book a trip away.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Maybe he tried really hard with counselling but it's still not good enough. Because he's been a colossal shit.

Who do you have that can support you, OP? I get the picture that you're in this claustrophobic world where it's a binary have him or lose him and losing him seems terrible, but having him is not exactly much fun either, is it? You need to find a bit of space to gain perspective and stop feeling under threat all the time.

If you don't have anyone to be with, in times of extreme stress then a walk somewhere with trees/good views can help, or a box set, or dancing around to a bit of Tina Turner or something.

You're way more resilient than you think you are. This ballbag won't break you. Decide you won't take any more of his shit and start planning your new life.

Put your phone down. You're in panic mode (trust me, I've been there).

Take lots of deep breaths. Have a cup of tea (or something stronger). Start to make a plan. You can do this x

You need to develop your coping mechanisms so you can regulate and soothe yourself, without being dependent on him doing that for you. Book yourself an urgent therapy session for as soon as possible. In the mean time what can you do to regulate and soothe yourself? A call with a friend? A walk? A bath? A good cry? You’re going to need to sit with the uncomfortable feelings to process them and learn to manage them.

A practical tip for when your emotions are spiralling, take something out of the freezer and hold it tight. The cold shock interrupts the spiralling and is very effective at grounding you. I learnt this when I had a mental health crisis due to trauma.

Sweetheart, he was your best friend and he did love you. But none of that applies any more. You've been replaced. He's telling all those secrets that he once told you to other women that he hasn't even met. He's trading his innermost thoughts with them now. And he's treating you like the convenient little woman who will wash his underpants and look after his children. That's not love. It's not frienship.

He seems to hold you in contempt. Do you want a man who thinks you are pathetic and 'droning', just because he's a habit you're used to?

You can do it alone. You really can. You and your kids can have a future where you don't have to have heart-thumping panic attacks because he's been on his phone a long time and you wonder who he's talking to and who he's sending family money to next.

You are scared of losing him and yet when in an argument, you have so far told him 3 times to leave.
It's clear your arguments are pointless as you tend to be coming out with stuff you don't mean then back-tracking.
Perhaps get some counselling alone for yourself, because you are acting impulsively on emotions at the moment.
Calm discussion might achieve more. He clearly should continue with therapy as spending £50000 on people you haven't even met screams MH issues and vulnerability.

When the bad moments are this bad (and the consensus here is that they're pretty bad!) then the good points are completely null and void. You can say "but we have some amazing moments" when he's leaving his socks on the floor or drinking the last of the milk without replacing it. When we're talking affairs and spending £50,000 of family money on other women, it doesn't apply.

Going to repeat what I said earlier: you need to sit with this pain because you can't remove it, you can only go through it and come out the other side. Do you have anyone who can come and sit with you to stop you from begging and harassing him? Yes, calling someone 15 times in a short space of time could well be seen as harassment and you could end up with police involvement if you continue.

our counsellor has said that if I’ve chosen to stay I can’t be angry with him, but then I stifle it, and I am resentful because it’s so fucking shit, and he gets to just move forward.

Tell your counsellor to GTF. Since when did s/he get to make the rules for when you could and could get angry??

Have you paid back the money from the joint account?

You're panicking because you're trauma bonded to him - essentially this means you're addicted to him/to this dynamic and the spiral into panic is exactly the same as a drug addict panicking about needing their drug.

Put your phone down. Force yourself not to call or message him. Lock your phone away if you have to.

A few days without his voice in your head will help the fog to start clearing and you to start changing your perspective. It feels like desperation and insanity right now, like you're not in control of yourself - but you are. Force yourself to put the phone away. Go for a walk in the fresh air, jump up ans down for a bit, get yourself back into your body.

Find a therapist ASAP - get an online therapist if that helps to make it faster/cheaper.

Focus on yourself and your kids for now. Panicking and begging isn't going to do anything to make the situation better. All it's doing is making you feel terrible and letting him know he has all the power. Take your power back now.

I am sorry, I would not be able to get over the fact that he had spent £50k on other women. Geez, that is a huge amount of money. Money that could have gone towards DC’s future.

I think the fact that you are alternately telling him to go and that you hate him, and then wanting and begging him to come back, shows how torn on this you are. You say you love him, but you must recognise that what he is showing you back is not love. You seem to be oscillating between wanting to submit to his terrible behaviour towards you and knowing that of course you (and your DC!) deserve better so rebelling against it. I don’t think it matters why he is behaving the way he is, the question for you is how to align yourself to one response (preferably to the version of yourself that wants him to go).

It's half term, get out and enjoy it with the kids. He can fuck off