Husband has walked out

[chaosandstrife]

I had a thread on here last year about DH growing distant and then me discovering his 4 month affair. He never actually met her, but planned to, and had given her significant amounts of our savings and told her he loves her / sexted her etc. There’s other stuff too, but that’s the nutshell. We have had extensive counselling, both together and apart. I decided to stay together but my concern was would he be able to sustain the effort it would take to support me getting over this.

in the most part, I would say our relationship has never been stronger. Dh has done so much work with his counsellor and also in marriage counselling. I have full access to his phone, he’s changed his number etc. it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

At the time I contacted another woman he had been messaging. There was 4 in total. She only read the message this week (Facebook) and replied with a load of abuse but basically denying everything that DH already had admitted too. This has massively upset me, raked Everything up, and whilst I’m trying very hard I’ve struggled this week not to feel gutted and then angry again.

me and DH had a fight earlier about something unconnected. I told him I was so angry with him, that I hated him. He replied he hated me too, that I was always woe is me, that he’s had enough. He’s driven off, and I (stupidly) took all the money out the joint account. On realising this, he has messaged me to say I’m a horrible person and he hates me……

so far, so bloody awful. I’m struggling. We have been doing so well, but this has thrown me back to feeling like I did in the beginning - but DH seems resentful of this. I know I’m horrible saying I hated him, but god I’m so over feeling this way. I hate what he did, and I hate his feeling now that I need to get over it and they I’m playing the victim when it hurts. I’m doing so much better, but I can’t heal fast enough. Him saying he hates me too - I feel so angry, like
why? All I’ve bloody done is stay by his side and try get over this and love him.

i know mumsnet always seems LTB, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. He may be at that point of walking away though. What do I do? Tell me how to feel better and get through this please. My sons upstairs and I’m trying so hard to hold this all together

He gave FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS of your joint money to his side pieces?? I hope you’ve got at least that from the joint account. Don’t fucking give it back either.

Don't feel bad about clearing your joint account. He spent £50K FFS on other women (doesn't matter he didn't actually meet them).

Your counsellor may well say you can't be angry if you've chosen to work on it and stay. But you are angry. The anger is a valid emotion and it's telling you he's wronged you. Listen to your feelings of anger, don't stifle them. They are there for a reason.

I can't see a future in this relationship but obviously it's your life. Think about what you really want. How would life be if you had the partner you want? What would you be doing, how would you be feeling? If it's not like this then move on.

Your counsellor doesn't sound great.

Why not treat this as a little break op? Some headspace.

Go and take a nice warm bath with some bubbles. It'll help soothe your nerves.

Think of it this way, sometimes after a bad fight people need time to process things. There's no point trying to get him to come back atm.

Focus on getting some peace for yourself. Say 'I'll put a pin in this for now and circle back'. Take the next few days to do fun things with the kids.

You were right to empty the joint accounts. Because either he's been paying scammers or, he love bombs women by spending your family money.

That money was to feed your kids and put them through college. What he has done is a tremendous betrayal. No wonder you are mad if he's also been trying to get you to just sweep it it under the carpet as if it is nothing.

You don't have to suppress those feelings.
Your feelings are valid.

And I get that you still love him. But you have to love you too. So it's best to take some time apart.

You may find after the initial adrenaline rush of things, you're actually glad he is gone and don't want him back.

But fight this urge to beg for him back atm. Because its not actually what you need. You need time apart.

This is no way to live, op

our counsellor has said that if I’ve chosen to stay I can’t be angry with him

I would suggest finding a really good counsellor for you yourself.

He had one ‘girlfriend’ but was messaging another 4 - there was over £50k missing from our savings account he had given them.

He does not love you. Just using you.

You don't have to put up with this shit.

"our counsellor has said that if I’ve chosen to stay I can’t be angry with him, "

WTF?? Jesus, you need a new counsellor. Also, don't get a counsellor! Get a psychotherapist.

Counsellors are IMO very undertrained for the responsibilities that they take on. The worst thing is, because they are so very undertrained, they don't know what they don't know.

Firstly I'm shocked that there is ANY type of joint account.

Love isn't enough OP. I'm upped and left my ex (he wasn't cheating) but the issue it was over has still continued though we aren't together.

How many years have you been with him?
I could forgive cheating.... the money 50k??? Nah I'm sorry I can't get over it!! 50k whatttt. If that isn't enough to have made you leave .... well.

Jesus wept. He gave fifty grand to some slag he never even met...

Therefore proving that he is utterly stupid, and also that he does not give a fuck about you.

"He changed in so many ways"

What the fuck - you believe this? This is bullshit. He repeatedly cheats on you and pissed your life savings away.

He is not the person you thought he was. He is a liar who will keep lying to get what he wants.

The councellor has a point. For OP to say she hates someone stems from the cheating and lies. If OP is choosing to stay she has to free herself for her own sanity or leave. It sounds too bad to stay though, I've read some tales on MN. Not heard this one yet.

Not just one but four women, even if they were online,and £50k later. You're a better woman than me. I'd probably have been arrested for GBH, never mind forgiven him.

Wtf, forget love, he's doling out thousands of pounds to randoms on the Internet. I'd have kicked him out ages ago. He's taking more than the proverbial piss.

I want him home and I need more time all at once
Why do you want him back? Honestly, what has he given you that is worth anything?

Love? Nope
Support? Nope
Trust? Nope
Honesty? Nope
A secure home/life? Nope
Respect? Nope

So what is it? Is it the fear of not being able to go it alone?

No-one worth their salt would express that in terms that the husband could use against her.

How do you feel better? You recognise you are at rock bottom and that you have no option but to sit with how this feels because there are no quick fixes. Sit with the fact that this is all HIS fault. He gave £50,000 of your family money to other women. What could that £50,000 have done for your family, for your son? Wouldn't a good father prioritise his child over some random women he's never met?

This man is showing you contempt. When he tells you that he hates you you should believe him. Find your anger and use it to get up off the floor and give your son a better life.

You only have one life.

What are you doing?

I’m still here. He came back, and it was shit - he’s sat downstairs now. He tried to tell me that I only was with him for his money, and when I said if that were the case I would have left him when he spent it all on other women he said that I had had my fair share of the money too. I lost my temper and told him that we were his family and if he ever lumped me in with those whores ever again he could leave right away. He has been sat on his phone in silence ever since really so I have come up for a bath.

i agree he’s showing me contempt. He says he hates himself and that comes across as not liking me sometimes.

I’ve had concerns about our counsellor before, but she can get him to talk and specialises in military PTSD which is a massive factor in DH life. He compartmentalises all the time. For him, he loved me but still wanted attention and saw those as seperate things.

I just feel hopeless tonight. If he was remorseful it would be different, but he’s defiant and resentful and I don’t think I can move past that.

im scared of losing him though, because I love him. The kids would be devastated. I just don’t want to be in this situation, and I’m so utterly fed up that I am.

Get some separate counselling just for yourself. You need to find out why you keep accepting his disrespect and contempt.

im scared of losing him though, because I love him.
You didn't answer my post above so I shall rephrase. What do you love about him? Or do you love what you thought he was, not who he really is?

Im sorry, im trying to read and reply and hold it all together. He genuinely is my best friend. We work together as well and whilst that can be stressful, we are on the same wave length and have a real giggle most of the time. I respect the work he’s done, the person he tries to be. Everyone fucks up, and it take courage to admit that rather than run away. He’s fucked up massively, but I can see he’s trying to fix it. Well, most of the time, not trying to fix it today, but usually! It’s so complicated. I know I’m meant to love my DH at his worst and not just his best, but his worst is awful and I know I deserve better. It’s just so fleeting though, do I throw away an entire marriage when it’s on the whole very good - the lows are just bloody crap?

Love yourself first my lovely- don't rely on him, have some self respect - I do mean this kindly, he doesn't respect you.

Honestly women, respect yourselves. He has treated you like garbage. Who is he to allow him into your life and run behind him while he treats you so badly? Do sth with your confidence and self-value. Honestly, I constantly read about MN women forgiving unforgivable behaviour, accepting being treated like scums and going to “marriage counselling”. Go to psychotherapt instead and do sth to build your confidence! Love yourselves and value them. And give a good example to your children by showing them this is not a good behaviour! They are looking at you! Tomorrow your sons/daughters will replicate what they see in your home! Show them this is not ok and whenever someone treats them like this they should leave them.

It sounds so so hard, OP. And only you can make that decision - stay or go.
Go - is probably easier. You have lots of reasons. And divorce is really not the end of the world. And you did try.

Stay - is much harder. I think it takes several years to get over a betrayal. And both need to try really hard.
Thing is - he is not wrong about your anger. He is doing his work to change himself. You also need to do yours to let go of anger and to forgive.

You may think it’s unfair - but re-building a marriage can not be based on him being constantly remorseful and you being constantly angry. Not over a long period of time. A relationship like this does not work.

It seems that you mostly pushed everything down in the past year - rather than actually dealing/letting go.

Some people manage to forgive and build a new marriage. Some can’t. You need to figure out what is possible for you.

I think you are muddling up lots of different things and you are now spiralling. My apologies if my questions aren't helping you to work out some things.

I'm going to say this once more then I shall leave the thread. No more joint counselling. You get your own, he gets his own. He needs to deal with certain things that do not relate to the marriage but life in general (military etc), you need to deal with why you accept scraps and think that makes it good enough (childhood, parents relationship?). Once you have both healed yourselves a bit more that is when you focus on saving the marriage. Two broken people cannot mend a third broken thing. I wish you peace

You could’ve just written the op and we’d all tell you to leave.

@chaosandstrife he is NOT your best friend and you need to realise that. This is not how a best friend behaves - lying , cheating and deceiving.

That would be bad enough but 50k and 4 women. I lived with a cheating man who blamed me for everything and all I can say is that I now realise how bad it all was - they turn you into a liar, they make your daily life a misery, they destroy your personality and they can destroy your health. You don't deserve this and neither do your children.

"he's done so much work with his counsellor though, and I know he loves me"

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been through similar, twice. He absolutely does NOT love you.
Actions speak far, far, louder than words. His actions are telling you how he feels about you.
It's horrendous thinking of breaking a family up but I'm so glad my kids were too young to remember/be affected by it.