Husband has walked out

[chaosandstrife]

I had a thread on here last year about DH growing distant and then me discovering his 4 month affair. He never actually met her, but planned to, and had given her significant amounts of our savings and told her he loves her / sexted her etc. There’s other stuff too, but that’s the nutshell. We have had extensive counselling, both together and apart. I decided to stay together but my concern was would he be able to sustain the effort it would take to support me getting over this.

in the most part, I would say our relationship has never been stronger. Dh has done so much work with his counsellor and also in marriage counselling. I have full access to his phone, he’s changed his number etc. it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

At the time I contacted another woman he had been messaging. There was 4 in total. She only read the message this week (Facebook) and replied with a load of abuse but basically denying everything that DH already had admitted too. This has massively upset me, raked Everything up, and whilst I’m trying very hard I’ve struggled this week not to feel gutted and then angry again.

me and DH had a fight earlier about something unconnected. I told him I was so angry with him, that I hated him. He replied he hated me too, that I was always woe is me, that he’s had enough. He’s driven off, and I (stupidly) took all the money out the joint account. On realising this, he has messaged me to say I’m a horrible person and he hates me……

so far, so bloody awful. I’m struggling. We have been doing so well, but this has thrown me back to feeling like I did in the beginning - but DH seems resentful of this. I know I’m horrible saying I hated him, but god I’m so over feeling this way. I hate what he did, and I hate his feeling now that I need to get over it and they I’m playing the victim when it hurts. I’m doing so much better, but I can’t heal fast enough. Him saying he hates me too - I feel so angry, like
why? All I’ve bloody done is stay by his side and try get over this and love him.

i know mumsnet always seems LTB, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. He may be at that point of walking away though. What do I do? Tell me how to feel better and get through this please. My sons upstairs and I’m trying so hard to hold this all together

Get rid of him. Your life will be lighter and happier without him.

For both your sakes, you two need to be apart. You can’t forgive him and nor should you. He has committed the unforgivable. You will hate each other more as time moves on.

He did this, he destroyed your marriage, don’t let him destroy the rest of your life. This is not your fault, it’s all on him. And FGS don’t let him get his hands on large amounts of money, he will probably want to console himself by giving a ton of it away again.

Honestly OP, I know you don’t want to hear this but please LTB.

£50k and 4 women?!!!!

WTAF?! He doesn't love you, or even like you you, and certainly doesn't respect you. Do you want your children growing up thinking this behaviour is ok?? Find your anger!!!

Just read your latest update, you are obviously going to stay with the cheating creep because "love" so knock yourself out. No sympathy for women who prostrate themselves for useless men like this, what about your kids? What example is this?? He's a dog but you are letting him abuse you and take money from your kids. Get some self-respect, if not for yourself for your children.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are living a nightmare 😔 you have been so brave, trying to forgive and work on your marriage after such a devastating betrayal. You are entitled to feel sad and angry and hurt and your feelings are valid. I think your husband needs to realise that it could take years for you to get to a place of trust and love again. If I were you, I'd get counselling to work on yourself - your self-esteem has taken a battering. You need to love yourself again, you deserve to be happy. Good luck OP 💐

He gave 50k away! To a woman he's never met. I'd be so furious about his stupidity. How do you come back from that kind of betrayal?

That would have been the end for me. The trust would forever be gone.

Counsellors are IMO very undertrained for the responsibilities that they take on. The worst thing is, because they are so very undertrained, they don't know what they don't know.

This is absolute rubbish.

Whoever said this had no idea what they're talking about.

This counsellor was wrong to say what s/he did, however, clients sometimed misunderstand and misquote counsellors.

@chaosandstrife - YOU can be angry.. but if anger is a constant, then it's not good for you to stay in the marriage. The chances are that his actions destroyed the marriage and there is no coming back from it.

Is this real? OP how many years wages is 50+k to you? You worked all that time so your partner could get a bit of attention for himself from other women.

He's a disgusting man.

Why would you want anything to do with him?

Where to start with how creeped out I would be by the nature of those messages to women online. Then how angry I’d be for throwing them 50k. Then all the insufferable counselling.
Hard to know what to say, especially as you seem to have no intention of getting rid.

Fifty fucking thousand pounds pissed up the wall on (at least) 4 other women, and you're going to counselling with him and asking how to feel better about it all??!!!!

Find yourself a better therapist.

What can £50,000 buy you? Let me see

interior designer and landscape gardener to give your whole house a make over.

round the world cruise plus a whole new wardrobe

new car and driving lessons for the DC including insurance for a few years

luxury caravan

give it to the local hospice where it can do some real good

OR

your selfish prat of a husband can get a hard on for 10 minutes with some trollop on the internet that he has never even met

Goodness me OP, find your anger.

Get rid

Then start living your best life

He genuinely is my best friend

This is just fucking delusional. You are saying this out of twisted desperation, because no one who actually gives a shit about you would ever treat you and betray you the way your husband has. Your husband is a sick, perverted man, and I find it impossible to understand how you can even share space with this deviant, nevermind remain married and expose your children to this toxic, dysfunctional dynamic. It's appalling.

Kick him out and divorce him.

JFC what am I reading!

He is NOT your best friend!!! He is not even a friend.

Seems to me that you are afraid of leaving because you are scared of change.

This will affect your DC more than you realise. It’s not good for him to be in this environment.

Get some separate counselling from a good therapist who actually acknowledges your complete lack of self esteem and self respect.

Please find a way to split with your husband amicably. Being a kid in the middle of divorce is absolutely horrendous.

Yes this is spot on

I would say that he owes you the money after spending it on his dollybirds and he’s welcome to go and live with them and see if they put up with his stupid behaviour and bad habits.

Those 'whores' were probably everyday women looking for a genuine relationship, who he sought out, lied to and manipulated to feed his ego. That's how little respect the bastard has for women in general, to him they're not actual people with feelings.

He's doing the same to you. Lying and manipulating, playing along with the counselling because it's easier and cheaper than divorce. It's a huge effort to keep up this facade, and occasionally he folds under the pressure and the misogynist bastard he really is leaks out. Then you get to hear how he really views you - a woman who he doesn't want or care about but who's clinging on.

You're doing it too - carrying on like this is a blip in an otherwise loving relationship when in fact he's just destroyed your self esteem and you're trauma bonded.

You're all pretending - for what exactly?

He's not your best friend or even a friend.

You work with him, but somehow you're taking his money?? Wtaf??

You husband has cheated on you. He been in contact with 4 different women and chatting them up. Along with this he has spent £50,000 of your joint savings trying to impress these woman. He spent your savings trying to impress other women.
You found this out.

Your husband meanwhile has the attitude that you should get over this and why are you upset. I think it time you got legal advice, tell them about the £50,00 he spent out of your joint savings and show them all your and his financial information including pension details.
I think that since your husband thinks the grass is greener elsewhere let him go and find out the reality.

How are you still hanging around and playing the pick me dance? Are you that afraid to stand up for yourself and tell him it over? Is it that important for you to be in a couple?
He has cheated on you and taken £50,000 from your joint savings account to impress 4 different women. He shown you that your marriage is over.

£50,000 he spent could have done so much for you and your family in the future instead it gone.

This sounds horrific 😢. How can you expect to get over this. You should have left.

The only way could have continued with this marriage is if a post nup is signed saying I get everything in the case of divorce

You need him out of your home & away from you so you can start to think logically. He isn't a friend, a true friend wouldn't treat you like he has. He doesn't love you because if he did, he wouldn't be messing around with other women or spending £50k on them. Are you sure he hasn't been using prostitutes?

Stop doing the pick me dance & put all thoughts of your relationship getting back on track out of your head, it isn't going to happen. You need to appear as hard as nails where he is concerned, even if you don't feel it inside, you need to be ice cold & show no emotion to him. Tell him he needs to leave & not to contact you unless it is by text, that way, you have a record of everything that is said. Over the next few days, you need to start getting your ducks in a row, first go through your bank statements & find where the £50k was spent, that is evidence for your solicitor should you file for divorce. Next go through everything like mortgage & pension statements, get copies of everything of his & get everything together. Use your anger at what he has done to fuel your energy to hunt out everything.

Do you have a close friend or relative you could tell? Keeping this all to yourself isn't helping, you need someone to talk to in real life who can help you get your head together?

You will survive this & come out stronger x

OP, his behaviour is toxic and abusive, and your panic reaction at losing him is likely the result of trauma bonding. This is nowhere approaching a functioning relationship, and you need to put yourself and your children first.

Think about this another way, OP.
If your one of your children, when they’re adults, told you that their partner had behaved like this, what would you advise them to do?

I suspect you’d be furious at the disrespectful way that they’ve been treated and advise them to make plans to end their marriage. You deserve far more than this, OP. 💐

Has he put right the 50 thousand?
Has he paid it back to your joint account?

He should be making right his odd behaviour.

If he can't identify how odd he is and if he can not stop and become attentive to you, then leave the marriage.
Both of you blowing up, angry and abusive, will not solve your problem.

He cannot hold space for your feelings or emotions, which he caused. How on earth will you ever have a happy healthy relationship with this man?