Should I get my seperated wife flowers for valentines

[Seperated]

Well wife separated from I six months ago...married 19 yrs one teenage son..we live in same house together...in the beginning g of seperation was rough....only small talk..she was vivid in getting a seperation agreement..that was for first few months..recently were allot more civil..she does not bring up seperation agreement..I want to get together...and with valentines day coming..not sure to get her flowers or not

So I had the flowers with supper...I was upstairs reading my self help books...but she ate supper but she said nothing about the flowers...maybe another time later today thomorrow

Maybe you should just stop and accept that she doesn't want anything to do with you. You had a million chances to change and so why is it suddenly an expectation that she gives two fucks about your "changes" now.

I notice how you point out "oh yes i was upstairs reading my self help books". Do your self help books saying anything about respecting someone elses wishes and leaving them the fuck alone? Stop. You've done enough. Just leave her alone. What is it with men like you.

@roses321 as I said upthread - she should have stayed out the hot tub, stop sharing meals and going out shopping together if she doesn't want to be with him.

I agree with this. Too many mixed signals. If she wants to leave, she needs to say so and stop being ambiguous, it isn't fair on anyone.

Wouldn't it be nice to have the wife's account of these tales though. There is a very one sided story being told here. The addition of 'upstairs reading my self help books' honestly made me laugh out loud. Something is very very off with all this now.

Whilst I agree with you that her actions should be more appropriate what you're basically saying here is that it's her fault he's doing this. It isn't.

The last thing she said to him was that she wanted to split, that does not mean that they can't get on and be friends - albeit I agree that in the hot tub is honestly not the place. One of them has to go basically.

In the meantime though, he has enough basic intelligence (hopefully) to be able to respect HER wishes. She said she wanted to break up, so therefore we're not going to go down the road of "oh but she's encouraging him".

Are we going to say people in mini skirts deserve to be raped if we're gong on that logic? She SAID she wanted to break up. She is sleeping in a seperate room. That is what he has been told. Yes they live together and share communal areas, that is not a green flag to continue being a f'ing pest. He had his chance, so he can pack up his self help books and his hoovering act and get on with his life.

I am sick of men pulling this shit.

@roses321 but if she says she wants to break up......she needs to actually break up with him.
So far she hasn't.

I absolutely agree. She needs to follow through with actions. But this bloke needs to back off. He's coming off as a creep.

I would definitely not have bought flowers on Valentine’s Day. Different when it’s her birthday, a bunch of flowers for the mother of your child is a nice thing to get without it looking like you have an agenda or are pressuring her.

@roses321 he just sounds confused to me.

Have you bothered to read any of the OP's posts? She had broken up with him. She has asked for a legal separation, documented in writing. They have to be legally separated for a year before either can file for divorce. Neither are able to buy the other out of the mortgage. She's the higher earner and wants to stay living in her house at the moment.

@blooblom I read them all. They both seem a bit half arsed about separating to me.
(I don't know Canadian law but if they are still living together in the same house - how can they prove they've been separated for a year?)

She really, really needs not to be sharing a hot tub with him. I don't blame the poor guy for being confused.

He can be confused.

Hot tubs cost money to run why shouldn't they share one, and at the same time he can view what he no longer can have.

I don't know the reasons for why this woman no longer wants to be with the op, he hasn't given any explanation but it does sound as though she's been hurt.

Then she can't complain when he is confused! If she is unhappy with him, she needs to not send mixed messages.

Thanks for the response...I do leave her alone....I always for the most part let her bring up conversations..I'm home before her .so when she gets home..some days she loves to tell me how her day at work went...as well..I wake up before her in the morning..so I have my coffee before work..she has her coffee..I say good morning...that's it..than she starts talking about our cats or her work..other things...we've been seperated 6 months..first couple of months..she was determined for the legal seperation papers where if states when she first separated from me..as well 50 50 with son..child support to be paid..house 50 50..and assets split..we both talked to lawyers...she needed a letter from pension before she can proceed for legal seperation..she got that paper..but seems shes backed of on getting legal seperation...we have not talked about it since November....yes mixed signals..I noticed since mid December her attitude towards I got more friendlier..even on new years eve..as she went out on new years with her sister..couple of minutrs after New years she texted me happy new year...as well at her friends birthday.she texts me pic of her holding a baby..even few weeks ago she told me lets start finishing the basement..even yesterday.she came home from Costco.brought me sausage and drink...
I give her all the space she needs..again at this time I let her bring the conversation..

Unfortunately it took a seperation to have a wakeup call..and do the necessary changes in my life..I'm doing it for myself..so if it's not for my wife .it will be for a future partner to see the new me

Why?

Why could you not be bothered when she wanted you? Why didn’t spend time creating a great bond with your child, until your wife said she had enough.

Why are you so bothered now she doesn’t want you?

It seems natural enough to me? I don't think the OP is a bad person, just not someone who notices things, so having consequences to his (in) actions has made him sit up and take notice. OP, I wish you the best and hope you continue on your journey of self improvement, whether it is with your wife or with another partner. I think it is healthy to change for you, and not for another person.

You just go through a routine over the last few years..was just comfortable of how things were going even though there was problems in the marriage...why now...there's a song by a group called Cinderella and one of there songs is called

don't know what you got til it's gone

So done a lot of soul searching..going back to church..confide in my best friend..lots of reading..

There is apparently a chemical explanation for why things change throughout the course of a relationship. It probably accounts for many behavioral changes. It’s not terribly uncommon.

I'm sorry I do not buy it.

On one hand "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" and on the other "i'm doing this for me not her".

You're fooling absolutely nobody here dude. Certainly not me. You fucked around during your entire marriage and took advantage of her, she out earns you can only stays because of circumstance so you've decided to make yourself as attractive as possible and make a big show of doing this and that so she might change her mind and you can get back on the gravy train.

I'm sorry but f'k _off.

You seem like a creep. You've asked a question here - should i buy flowers? Most people have said NO. You've gone ahead and done it anyway and ain't that just the attitude we all love, because when she wanted you and she was saying "i'd love flowers" you were probably "nah sorry I didn't have time to get any".

If you're really so bothered about your "self growth" and what's healthy then stop orbiting around your ex and go get your own place, get out on the dating scene and start living your life for yourself rather than hovering around her and hoping she changes her mind if you sit there with a conspicuous enough self help book shoved in front of your face.

Yuck.

I know of a person who was separated for a year same situation..living in same house.he changed ..and they have stronger marriage than ever..hoping for the same..I'm seeing month by month..she is opening up to me..there will be a point when I do confront her if she wants to save the marriage or not..if she chooses not...I will tell her I give you a couple of days to think about your choice and if she says not..will tell her let's put the house for sale immediately...

That’s such a cop out.

Treating some one badly, not engaging with your child isn’t something you get into a routine of.

Essentially, you didn’t make an effort because you thought she would leave and you could do what you wanted. That’s not love of any kind.

It’s not ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’: it’s ’I am too selfish to treat my partner well. I don’t really care about their happiness. But also my ego doesn’t want them going elsewhere’

And as for ‘I know something this happened to and they are stronger than ever’ so what? You aren’t them.

You seem INCREDIBLLY aggressive and down on the OP. I suspect that you are projecting a situation you have been in on to him, which while understandable, is not helpful. Other people reading this thread clearly do not see the same thing that you do.