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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I get my seperated wife flowers for valentines

140 replies

Seperated · 11/02/2024 11:06

Well wife separated from I six months ago...married 19 yrs one teenage son..we live in same house together...in the beginning g of seperation was rough....only small talk..she was vivid in getting a seperation agreement..that was for first few months..recently were allot more civil..she does not bring up seperation agreement..I want to get together...and with valentines day coming..not sure to get her flowers or not

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 11/02/2024 14:56

I am separated from my DH. We live together, we eat together, we laugh at TV programmes together, we even holidayed together (with the children), but we are still divorcing. I don't hate him as a person but he is awful as a husband and even worse as a housemate and I can no longer live with him. Perhaps your wife feels the same?

Needmorelego · 11/02/2024 14:59

@LittleGreenDragons the wife should move out then.
@Seperated it all sounds odd to be honest.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/02/2024 15:04

Needmorelego · 11/02/2024 14:59

@LittleGreenDragons the wife should move out then.
@Seperated it all sounds odd to be honest.

Why? Perhaps neither can afford to move out until house is sold but neither want to upset the child in their gcse year? Although it's weird she is paying him child support if all three are under the same roof.

Either way OP does need to have a proper discussion with his wife, if only to see what her long term plan is.

stoatyfox · 11/02/2024 15:07

Why is she paying you child support if you all live together?

WallaceinAnderland · 11/02/2024 15:09

This is a messed up situation. Sell the house, split the proceeds and move on.

No to flowers. She's not interested in you. You are just a lodger as far as she is concerned.

SunflowerSeeds123 · 11/02/2024 15:12

No.

Leave her alone.

Needmorelego · 11/02/2024 15:21

@LittleGreenDragons it's odd because she still seems fine to eat meals together, go shopping together, have a family event get together and sit in a hot tub together.
Not the behaviour of someone who wants a divorce to me.

DistinguishedSocialCommenator · 11/02/2024 15:23

You can't be serious!! Sorry OP but save yourself the grief.

Seperated · 11/02/2024 15:25

LittleGreenDragons · 11/02/2024 15:04

Why? Perhaps neither can afford to move out until house is sold but neither want to upset the child in their gcse year? Although it's weird she is paying him child support if all three are under the same roof.

Either way OP does need to have a proper discussion with his wife, if only to see what her long term plan is.

Yes I can't figure it out my therapist on why she is paying my child support..she just transfer me each month..for a discussion..probably scared to hear the answer or face reality..all I know things are getting better each month..all started mid December.. can tell by her morning greeting in the morning.as we stay in living room before work and have cofee.as well we always went to New Year's at her sister..this year just her.but a few minutes after new year eve.she ne texted me happy new year..so slowly things are changing..maybe that's why I have not confronted her on status for the future

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 11/02/2024 15:31

You have one fucked up living situation, no one seems to know what's what. SUPER confusing for your child. ONE BIG BIG BIG MESS

And your question is, should you buy flowers for Wednesday?

Jesus 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Seperated · 11/02/2024 15:37

Lengokengo · 11/02/2024 12:34

What are the changes that you have made that you reference?

Changes...spending more time with my son...as well now couple times a week I take him skating than go for a bite..so we are boding more unlike before..
As well before she got the bills throughout the years and paid them..now I took over this task which frees more time for her...I eat more healthy which sho notices as well as dress better..I'm more considerate..polite towards her..I'm being more in charge of things..ex sometimes brings down in the house.im calling to get it fixed unlike before...the big one is..hopefully I have a chance to do this one is..in past when we went for walks.so like to hold hands...so if have another chance ill be holding her hand...as well now helping around the kitchen..so helping cut veggies unlike before..I go to church now unlike before..she even told her sister she sees the changes in me..

OP posts:
stoatyfox · 11/02/2024 15:41

Jesus Christ don't try to hold the poor woman's hand! These 'changes' are normal adult behaviour!

LittleGreenDragons · 11/02/2024 16:10

Needmorelego · 11/02/2024 15:21

@LittleGreenDragons it's odd because she still seems fine to eat meals together, go shopping together, have a family event get together and sit in a hot tub together.
Not the behaviour of someone who wants a divorce to me.

Some people can be civil during a divorce. My STBXH and I know that we are divorcing, the house will be put up for sale next month, we have agreed the financial consent form. I don't hate him, he doesn't hate me, but the marriage is 100% over. It might not be the norm but to make it happen there has to be a clear discussion of what both want and how to make it happen with the least amount of hurt and angst. I'm assuming OPs wife is trying to be civil considering their 15yr old is coming up to exams but tbh OPs posts have a lot of weird information in them so who knows what either actually think.

OP - just talk to her. You might not like her answer but it's better to know sooner rather than later.

Lou197 · 11/02/2024 16:42

It's a yes from me. You may get back together or not but she is still the mum to your son and you obviously had 19 years together, it's a nice gesture...

RandomForest · 11/02/2024 17:26

Sounds to me as though you are evading asking the question, is my wife ready to forgive me.

Your post lacks clarity, you have separated for a reason, one that you havn't mentioned but a guess would be that you had basically took her for granted, didn't show affection (with the hand holding comment) were not actively involved in family life (regarding your son) and to top it off ended up doing something so magnificently hurtful that she ended it and cut off all communication with your family into the bargain.

So I would say no to the flowers.

You could try to talk and afterwards say you bought her a gift but wanted her approval to give it to her, but not flowers.

perfectcolourfound · 11/02/2024 17:32

It's a definite no from me.

The only exception to that would be if she had said something that made it clear she was starting to think romantically of you, and things had warmed between you. In those circumstances it might be a nice thing to do.

But as it is, there's nothing to tell you she is feeling that way. You've noticed that things are better between you, but for some people, once the pressure of being unhappily married / having the separation conversations is over, they are able to be more friendly with their ex. It doesn't mean they want to get back together.

If you think there is a chance that she'd like to rekindle your relationship, then talk to her, ask her if that's what she's thinking. If she says yes - then buy the flowers if you think she would like them.

If you just buy the flowers without knowing her feelings, it could backfire. It could be awkward. She could think you've 'forgotten' you're separated and it could take your new more amicable relationship back a few steps.

Not everyone likes to receive flowers. And for those who do, context is everything. My Ex-DH used to buy them whenever he'd fallen off the wagon (again) and so they just irritated me. It seemed he felt I was so shallow that a bunch of flowers would make me forget all the bad stuff.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 11/02/2024 17:39

Seperated · 11/02/2024 15:37

Changes...spending more time with my son...as well now couple times a week I take him skating than go for a bite..so we are boding more unlike before..
As well before she got the bills throughout the years and paid them..now I took over this task which frees more time for her...I eat more healthy which sho notices as well as dress better..I'm more considerate..polite towards her..I'm being more in charge of things..ex sometimes brings down in the house.im calling to get it fixed unlike before...the big one is..hopefully I have a chance to do this one is..in past when we went for walks.so like to hold hands...so if have another chance ill be holding her hand...as well now helping around the kitchen..so helping cut veggies unlike before..I go to church now unlike before..she even told her sister she sees the changes in me..

So the changes you made are you decided to become and involved father and be an adult?

And even though she said she wouldn’t take you back in under a year, if at all, 6 months in you want to buy her romantic gifts?

Why did it take her ending it to make you do these things? And what assurance does she have that you won’t go back to how you were before?

Catlord · 11/02/2024 19:07

Lou197 · 11/02/2024 16:42

It's a yes from me. You may get back together or not but she is still the mum to your son and you obviously had 19 years together, it's a nice gesture...

On mother's day and/or her birthday. This doesn't make sense for valentine's day

Seperated · 11/02/2024 19:12

perfectcolourfound · 11/02/2024 17:32

It's a definite no from me.

The only exception to that would be if she had said something that made it clear she was starting to think romantically of you, and things had warmed between you. In those circumstances it might be a nice thing to do.

But as it is, there's nothing to tell you she is feeling that way. You've noticed that things are better between you, but for some people, once the pressure of being unhappily married / having the separation conversations is over, they are able to be more friendly with their ex. It doesn't mean they want to get back together.

If you think there is a chance that she'd like to rekindle your relationship, then talk to her, ask her if that's what she's thinking. If she says yes - then buy the flowers if you think she would like them.

If you just buy the flowers without knowing her feelings, it could backfire. It could be awkward. She could think you've 'forgotten' you're separated and it could take your new more amicable relationship back a few steps.

Not everyone likes to receive flowers. And for those who do, context is everything. My Ex-DH used to buy them whenever he'd fallen off the wagon (again) and so they just irritated me. It seemed he felt I was so shallow that a bunch of flowers would make me forget all the bad stuff.

Very good point..that if I buy flowers..that it might backfire and from what I gained..don't k want to go backwards..no I am not going to have a talk with her...as my counsellor mentions just ride it out for a bit....and yes there are times that i get mixed messages...example before sepetation we were starting to finish the basement...than as seperation hit..we stopped..couple of months later as we had a verbal seperation talk..I mentioned we don't work on basement and sell house in the spring...fast forward two weeks ago..she mentions lets start finishing the basement...

OP posts:
RandomForest · 11/02/2024 19:36

Sounds like she's still thinking/deciding what to do and you are wanting a line drawn over the past and rushing her to make her mind up.

Have you hurt her badly ?

Seperated · 11/02/2024 19:55

RandomForest · 11/02/2024 19:36

Sounds like she's still thinking/deciding what to do and you are wanting a line drawn over the past and rushing her to make her mind up.

Have you hurt her badly ?

Wife would say death of a thousand cuts...so a lot of things over the years..actually she would say we should of divorced 10 yrs ago...
By the way we are in our 50.s

OP posts:
RandomForest · 11/02/2024 19:59

What do you want and why ?

canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 11/02/2024 20:59

Yes flowers from me as well .. but not red roses .. they are for a different kind of relationship.. look for a bouquet of different colours that say .. I respect you . Like gardenia (secret love) and heliotrope (devotion) ..

Seperated · 11/02/2024 21:02

RandomForest · 11/02/2024 19:59

What do you want and why ?

Would want a loving caring marriage...why because I love my wife..and from all the councelling I have done..all the self help books relating to marriage..I truely believe i can be the husband she deserves...this seperation was a wakeup call for i to change for the better..if never seperated.i would of been the same person...

OP posts:
Marchintospring · 11/02/2024 21:06

Nope. Give her space.
If she is undecided (as opposed to adamant) about separating, having a needy ex making naff gestures will put her right off.

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