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Original poster

Should I get my seperated wife flowers for valentines

140 replies

Seperated · 11/02/2024 11:06

Well wife separated from I six months ago...married 19 yrs one teenage son..we live in same house together...in the beginning g of seperation was rough....only small talk..she was vivid in getting a seperation agreement..that was for first few months..recently were allot more civil..she does not bring up seperation agreement..I want to get together...and with valentines day coming..not sure to get her flowers or not

OP posts:
Original poster
Seperated · 11/02/2024 21:25

Marchintospring · 11/02/2024 21:06

Nope. Give her space.
If she is undecided (as opposed to adamant) about separating, having a needy ex making naff gestures will put her right off.

I couldn't agree more...I feel what has helped..was I giving space...so I'm upstairs reading or go for a walk..as my therapist mentions..read the room..so basically seeing her demeanor...

OP posts:
BCBird · 11/02/2024 21:32

No

blooblom · 11/02/2024 21:34

I don't think your changes are as impactful as you think OP. This is a 19 year marriage, presumably much longer relationship, and you think 6 months of normal actions will change everything. Nothing sounds to me like your wife wants to rekindle the marriage. She's being amicable while living together.

Needmorelego · 11/02/2024 21:35

@blooblom she should stay out of the hot tub with him then.
That is a mixed message imho.

Original poster
Seperated · 11/02/2024 21:47

blooblom · 11/02/2024 21:34

I don't think your changes are as impactful as you think OP. This is a 19 year marriage, presumably much longer relationship, and you think 6 months of normal actions will change everything. Nothing sounds to me like your wife wants to rekindle the marriage. She's being amicable while living together.

I agree with your statement completely..maybe I'm being stubborn to believe there is hope for us...but I know a person who was in same situation..but at there six months mark of the seperation he gave an ultimatum.to leave or work on marriage and she choose to work on marriage...so as of now I don't wont to break the bridge and I'll continue making myself a better person for myself and see what happens

OP posts:
blooblom · 11/02/2024 21:55

It's great that you want to be a better person for yourself OP. Just make sure it's true to you and not just performative, to get her back. It may be worth sitting down together and discussing the next move. If you want to rekindle your marriage and she doesn't then a clean break could be much better for both of you.

ManaFromHeaven · 11/02/2024 23:36

Why not have this conversation with her? Tell her what you've said here. Say that you know you bought her something for her birthday and Christmas and she seemed pleased, but now Valentines Day is coming up and you would like to buy her some flowers, but don't want to overstep the boundaries she's set.

If the reaction is a smile and "oh you don't have to" that's perhaps a sign you can, but if it's a grimace and "no, please don't" that's giving you a good idea to leave alone.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 12/02/2024 01:44

A lot of this makes no sense.

Your wife considerably out earns you.
She pays you child maintenance.
Let me guess, she also cleared the mortgage.

She isn't finalising the divorce as it would cost her too much I suspect.

Ca you afford to both live separately and if you can, why haven't you?

AliceOlive · 12/02/2024 01:58

I’m American and we give valentines to family and sometimes friends. It’s not just a romantic thing here.

I don’t think you should get flowers but maybe some nice chocolate for both son and wife could be nice. Unless it’s absolutely 100% a romantic holiday there and never anything more.

Sounds like you’ve made some great changes and I hope things work out for you. It’s especially nice that you checked in with women to make this decision and are erring on the side of continuing to give her space as she requested.

Meadowfinch · 12/02/2024 02:01

I'm reading it that you have a ds part way through GCSEs and she doesn't want to disrupt his life until he's finished his exams. You are parents and house mates. That's all. I assume she's paying child support because you do more of the caring while she has a career.

She needs you around to look after ds until he is old enough to look after himself.

I wouldn't bother with the flowers. She doesn't want you anymore. You are there to co-parent only.

Original poster
Seperated · 12/02/2024 02:31

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 12/02/2024 01:44

A lot of this makes no sense.

Your wife considerably out earns you.
She pays you child maintenance.
Let me guess, she also cleared the mortgage.

She isn't finalising the divorce as it would cost her too much I suspect.

Ca you afford to both live separately and if you can, why haven't you?

Edited

No we paid the mortgage equal..here in canada.have to be separated one year before you can file for divorce

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2024 02:33

You've been just another child for her to deal with all these years and you think she wants to go through this shit again? All of your so called changes will vanish like dust in the wind if she's foolish enough to take you back.

Just leave her the hell alone.

Original poster
Seperated · 12/02/2024 02:46

Meadowfinch · 12/02/2024 02:01

I'm reading it that you have a ds part way through GCSEs and she doesn't want to disrupt his life until he's finished his exams. You are parents and house mates. That's all. I assume she's paying child support because you do more of the caring while she has a career.

She needs you around to look after ds until he is old enough to look after himself.

I wouldn't bother with the flowers. She doesn't want you anymore. You are there to co-parent only.

For child support...we both have careers...we both take care of him equal..

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 12/02/2024 14:48

So what’s Valentine’s Day like in Canada? We always got my mom things, and she did for us, too. Not red roses, but yellow sometimes.

Original poster
Seperated · 13/02/2024 10:23

Thanks for everyone that took the time to respond

OP posts:
Original poster
Seperated · 13/02/2024 21:53

So I decided to get white tulips with a note saying I value you as a woman and mother

OP posts:
AuContraire · 14/02/2024 06:38

🙄

Tiny542 · 14/02/2024 14:46

I think it’s lovely and thoughtful.. how did she take it? It won’t make everything all ok I know but it’s a small step to show you care. Nice gesture

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2024 17:06

Tiny542 · 14/02/2024 14:46

I think it’s lovely and thoughtful.. how did she take it? It won’t make everything all ok I know but it’s a small step to show you care. Nice gesture

I couldn't disagree more.

Wonder what way she did take it

roses321 · 14/02/2024 17:15

Hilarious. When they have you they won't bother buying flowers. When they've lost you they're considering it so they can get back into your life. Jesus.

roses321 · 14/02/2024 17:18

Seperated · 13/02/2024 21:53

So I decided to get white tulips with a note saying I value you as a woman and mother

So you ignored us and did what you thought? Sounds fairly standard.

tralalalalalalalal · 14/02/2024 17:30

How did she respond Op?

Ihavenoclu · 14/02/2024 20:38

My partner and I are separating after 20 years. He bought me flowers for valentines day today. So inappropriate, not at all appreciated.

blooblom · 14/02/2024 20:51

Seperated · 13/02/2024 21:53

So I decided to get white tulips with a note saying I value you as a woman and mother

This is such a weird thing to write.

Epidote · 14/02/2024 20:54

No