The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

My ex dickhead was the same. Didn't have an affair but started seeing someone else within weeks, plays happy families with her now even though he didn't want anymore dc with me.

Our dc are rapidly going down the priority list and it feels really shocking to me that he would sacrifice time with them to be with a woman who isn't particularly attractive or intelligent and has 2 brat kids.

He dropped you because you aren't of use to him anymore. That's what men like him do.

My friend hasn't seen her dad in 17 years. He missed her graduation, wedding, birth of two grandchildren. The OW won that one. He's now early retired, in bad health they've heard. The OW was insanely jealous at the time apparently.

"It’s all very well everyone demanding he does 50/50 childcare but the reality is you can’t force someone to parent."

This. When my ex husband was caught out and moved out it was as if he had left his children as well. His interest in them was gone. I couldn't force him to see them.

They are adults now and have an amazing step dad and realise what an arse he is.

In my case my ex was infatuated with OW for a few months and barely saw DCs during that time but then he broke up with OW and became more involved with DCs again. He’s not reliable and does little real parenting but overall his presence in their life is a positive. And for me the initial anger about the affair etc. has faded a lot. My children are younger so not quite affected in the same way.

I think the advice about telling your DD that she can always change her mind and see her dad if she wants to but not to push it is good. Obviously if he doesn’t want to you can’t force him but hopefully he will come to his senses at some point at least where his dd is concerned. It’s a huge trauma for a child to be rejected in that way by a previously loving father and I would try to leave the door open to them having a relationship if you can, even if he doesn’t deserve that. You want to avoid her feeling that she has to maintain no contact to support you.

How shit for you OP, what a total prick

Your DD is very, very vulnerable now OP. Feeling all the abandonment that you're feeling but without the emotional devices in place to help her get through this (and without the emotional support you have here with us online).

As a previous post said, let her know that should she want to change her mind about seeing him, then you'll support that. Until then, grey rock him.

Her world has fallen off its axis, she needs you more than ever. Thank God she has you.

He's a bastard for doing this to you both. I am so sorry. I will never understand men who are willing to turn their backs on their own children. It's unbelievable to me that they prioritise their sex lives over their own children.

DD is still no contact. Some days are better than others but in the whole she is calmer. She mentions him rarely.

I feel so sad about this. STBXH has been complaining about his mental health to MIL and making half arsed attempts to connect with DD. She sees right through them.

I accept this is who he now is. I’m so sad my DD does too.

It must hurt so much to see her going through this.
Bit she is setting boundaries, and that is a huge life skill many of us are no good at.
Hugs to you and your daughter

Very wise words, hard as it is, your DD has to know and feel that she that she can freely have the relationship she wants with her father regardless of what is going on between you two. He may be a rotter but he is 50% of her and by all accounts a pretty involved father to this point. All this talk about boundaries and all is grand but she shouldn't (or feel the need to) paint herself into a corner and not have a relationship with her Dad, however imperfect he is or the situation might be.

How are you getting on OP? Do hope you are okay xxx

Just thinking of you @IAmNotDarling and wondering how you and your DD are getting on. Hope you're doing OK.

Still no contact. Well he dropped off an expensive Easter egg a the door well before Easter. He can contact me about divorce and financial matters (including not paying sufficient child maintenance) though!

AP is clearly in the background, giving him shit advice.

DD is is riding a rollercoaster, which means I am to. She goes from okay to absolutely distraught in the blink of an eye at home.

I can’t believe this is our life now.

The only bonus for me is that it’s helping me let go entirely. He’s traded down hugely. I will rise and when he comes to his senses he won’t even dare to think a woman like me could ever be his again.

@IAmNotDarling very hard for children when their world has been turned upside down. She, like you is dealing with the betrayal and lies. Putting the affair to the side, if from the off he was still an invested dad and showed your DD he was still 100% there for her, her situation may have been less painful. It is har, as from what I remember, she is a teenager and they form their own strong independent opinions too at this age so even if he didn’t act like a prick, your daughter may have had the same reaction.
What matters more is she gets help to deal with these strong feelings before they impact school / her hobby ect and her relationships with friends and family and the ability to trust others.
I mean this with the upmost respect and kindness but you need to let go of the thought he might one day come crawling back and you will have the satisfaction to t him. Think more that you will rise up and when you are ready, you will meet someone that actually deserves YOU! x

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written (just fifteen or so years earlier). My ex is now going through a divorce with his OW (she’s divorcing him and I don’t blame her, though I don’t know their particular story). I too played the pick-me game (much to my regret and disgust). I can never wrap my head round why people (usually men) throw away good relationships so easily. The feeling of being so easily replaced (especially when there are children involved) was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. All water under the bridge now. He’s back on the market but his use by date is long gone. He’s in his late sixties now and I very much doubt anyone would be interested.

I think you sound absolutely awesome.

@IAmNotDarling you said earlier you’d booked an appointment with a shl, I hope you’re pushing on with the divorce…hopefully you’ll get him to pay proper maintenance or claim via the CMS. Best to things at your direction.

DD is in counselling but it’s not helping at the moment because she’s so angry.

I completely she needs to deal with her feelings now. I don’t want her to have trust issues.

Still no contact between DD and her F. She’s convinced herself she’ll never see or hear from him again. She says she ok with that. It breaks my heart for her.

He turned up for parents evening (DD didn’t come) and I blanked him the whole time. I could feel him looking at me. I did all the talking to the teachers. They didn’t mince their words on the impact on DD’s performance. No sign it has had any impact on him whatsoever. Prick.

It’s her birthday this week and when he asked his DM what he could buy DD the message was relayed loud and clear - she wants you to end things with OW and be her dad again. That was ignored - so he came to me. I just referred him back to his DM.

He’s started the divorce, I wasn’t paying! SHL told me to let him do that as it will make no odds in the long term.

I’ve offered the names of mediators that I’m prepared to use and also do child centred mediation. He only wants to sort out finances, not custody and is offering interim CM. He’s paying the minimum I’d get through CMS although he seems to think they’d take into consideration him paying half the mortgage and a personal loan. DD’s hobby costs in excess of £250 a month with fuel and event entries but he thinks that, plus clothing should come out of CM. Tosser.

He seems to think he’ll have his cash and be on his way as soon as the mediation is over. My understanding is that I’d be crazy to give him anything before a consent order is agreed by the court. Does anyone have any experience of this? Thanks

Yes, I can advise on the consent order. Am out atm but will soon x

I am sorry, your poor DD.

I would be guided by what your SHL on this - I would have thought you don't give a penny until you have finances all agreed.

He can expect whatever he likes, tough!! If it goes through court it will take ages IME.

As regards maintenance, CMS won't take into account mortgage etc ,,but you could find he stops paying the mortgage. I had to fund my kids' hobbies myself as ex wouldn't pay more than CMS . Can't lie, it was very, very tough. Hopefully yours will see reason at some point.

Good luck x

Right … a consent order has 2 aspects. There is the financial order where you agree finances and how they are split and also the arrangements for the care of your DD. These orders go hand in hand and you should not do one without the other when you have DC. You should not agree to anything other than these 2 get done at the same time and your solicitor should be advising you of this.

When I got divorced this is how it was done and my ex wanted kids 50% of the time ( which I had to make peace with). But in the plus side at least he wanted them.

Arrangement for your DD and his care will be hard to agree at this point. She’s of the age where even a court could not enforce contact with her dad, as it’s her wish. If you do make progress with an arrangement for your daughter the consent order offers a lot of flexibility for the well-being of the child. How ever both parents have to work together and I know things are too raw right now for this to happen.

It is very sad that he is only interested in sorting out the finances. Your poor Dd! It’s horrible for you watching her go through this too.

You can DM me if you have any questions or need to spread more on this, take care x

Sorry, I meant “her care”! And I meant speak more and not spread more! Am so tired lol x

Thanks @Secondstart1001 that’s interesting - I was hoping to negotiate informally with him over child arrangements so SHL hasn’t mentioned that the two news to be done together.

Just wanted to say you've been amazing and strong OP

Wishing you and your DD well

Thanks. I don’t feel it. I’m surviving when I want to thrive. I want DD to thrive.

When I saw him at parents evening I felt nothing but extreme anger. I screamed, cried and swore all the way home. It was rage for what her is doing to DD.

The lack of contact with DD is unforgivable. I’d been optimistic we’d be able to get to a place where we could share custody, DD had both of us in her life and I could move on with my life.

Instead he’s chosen OW over his daughter. What a selfish shitbag OW is too. She knows he’s not seeing DD. He’s more than 25 miles away shacked up at her house. When questioned by my MIL he says ‘she’d (OW) love nothing more than for me to have a meaningful relationship with DD.” Yeah right, she knows the way for that to happen is to give him up - she won’t though. What kind of mother must she be? I know it’s him choosing not to see DD but I could never respect a man behaving like my STBXH. If you are reading this OW - you’re a gold digging whore and a shitty excuse of a human being and we see you. We see you and everyone else you know sees you.

I don’t feel strong because I’m surrounded by friends but I’m so lonely. I miss my BF and lover. I miss being held. I miss the man he was, not this awful man who has abandoned his family. I want that again but not with him. I can’t see how though. My life is too full with DD and I will have limited capacity to date.