The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

The 'personality change' is one of the things that happens when another woman comes along, and yes, it is terrible and disturbing. Reality feels a bit fractured. It was as though someone else who I didn't recognise had taken over my ExH's body. It will take a while for you to come to terms with it, but this man is not your friend anymore. None of this is your fault and you shouldn't feel bad for letting your feelings temporarily spill out - we're not machines. Now you gather yourself together, pull your dignity around you again and take care of yourself and your lovely daughter.

Be gentle with yourself op. You’re grieving a person who seemingly doesn’t exist anymore, and grieving the father he was to your little girl. It sounds like you’re an amazing mum though who will help her weather the storm of his betrayal and abandonment of her in terms of not being able to prioritise her. You and her both need time now to let the wounds heal. Opening your home and inviting people in to shower you with love will also help with that.
Practically speaking in terms of staying away from him I’d write a reality list on your phone of all the shitty things he has done so that when you feel a desire to contact him you read that and hopefully are put off by the reminder he isn’t who he was and he’s turned in to a vile person who you don’t really want. Then if you still want to message I’d start writing notes on your phone and saving them rather than emailing.

Sadly they all seem to turn this way after they split. Its like they can't separate their kids from their ex and think both get dumped together. It's the kids that really suffer from their utter selfishness. Chump lady is a great resource and their Facebook page is excellent for support

My dad did this in his 50s. Us kids were adults but he did the same thing. Ignored us and doted on the new step DD who were also adults. We never saw him. He pushed his OW on us when we did. He also got married with 6 months. All his family who were disgusted with him initially but fawned over them at the wedding.

He died 10 years later. Left everything to her. She was at least 10 years younger than him. She retired early on the money.

What happens to men's brains is such an odd thing. Dropping their whole lives for a shag.

You don't get it because you are not him. It's extraordinarily difficult to understand why a great father and DH suddenly becomes an alien. Someone so different from the man you married, loved and lived with.

The difference is chore character integrity. Some (many) men hit their 40s and wonder if their marriage and family are enough to their expectations in life. They want "more", more excitement and the feeling of being young again free to enjoy life in a way they can't because their happy marriage and kids are ultimately boring.

He'll re-write your relationship because he has to justify to himself what he's doing to you and his kids. The justification is not rational - he's not trying to be an arsehole. It is irrational because his emotions, his wants and needs are the only thing he's listens to cognitively.

For you, this whole thing is the biggest mind fuck. You don't get it and you'll never will. My advice is to think of him as dead, the person you loved is no longer alive and the replacement is a stranger. He looks the same but he's not the man you loved.

@IAmNotDarling

Reading your posts, I think you are tremendous, formidable, incredibly capable, resourceful and brave.

You are doing everything you can in the best way to keep everything together for you and DD.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself for wavering and trying to talk to him (emails) to get him back to who he was. You had a long relationship and the shock over his behaviour is valid and normal.

Whenever men become single - because this is what he is, the ‘relationship’ is too new - they revert to becoming teenage boys, overly optimistic, cocky, bravado.

The realisation over what he has lost will kick in later, just give it time.

Focus on you, what you need and what makes you happy. You have the opportunity now to do what is best for you without consideration of him. Go and live your best life because you deserve it.

The more you fight for him, the more he will be driven to her. You'll make yourself look pathetic and unattractive if you keep trying to think of ways to get him back to you.

Do not leave the door open for him, slam it shut.

If you genuinely want him back (and you really, really shouldn't) then acting icy and completely unbothered is the ONLY way he comes crawling back. Once his snuggly safety blanket is gone (you, waiting with desperate open arms incase he makes a mistake) then the cold reality of what he has done, and what others will be thinking of him, will hit far sooner.

He will most likely come crawling back if you cut yourself off from him. Hopefully by then your senses will have returned and you'll tell him where to shove it. It was certainly one of my best karma moments, seeing his face when he realised I really didn't care anymore.

I'm glad I listened to the advice on here when I was similarly in shock and grasping at ways to keep him as the man he was before 'D-day'. (Sorry if it was a little blunt, it was those sort of replies that gave me my strength and anger back).

Good luck.

Personality change, I found that with a previous boyfriend I lived with.
He could be cruel and heartless to me, leaving me devastated, and hugely friendly and gregarious with others.

It was unfathomable, that he could turn, but he clearly enjoyed it, and it made him feel good, having such power over my feelings I guess.

And I realised that he could switch off his feelings and concern for me, which just meant that he didn’t care at all.

Ive seen it with others too, particularly men, who just turn into a completely different person.
In reality that’s probably the person they were hiding all along.

The heartless creep, their true self.

It's gutting, OP. I'm sorry it's happened to you.

Ugh I hate that arrogant personality change.
He’ll calm down when the reality of every day life kicks in.
It will be really shit for a bit yet, but you’ll be OK.
💐

Why are you wanting to save your marriage after the disgusting way he is treating you? He has already said he doesn’t love you. If you desperately try to cling on to your marriage you will most likely push him even further away. I’ve found that the more you chase after a man and cling to them the further they will run. If you really want a shot at saving your marriage - as pp have said, it’s probably better just to cut him off and he will most likely come crawling back when he realises the grass isn’t so green on the other side after all.

Op imagine his smug face knowing you’re chasing him to come back and he has ow too. Focus on how much he is letting your dd down. Feel that anger and stop contacting him to come back.
Why would you want someone who’s betrayed you both back anyway? I could never trust or like someone like that again. Show your dd that you and women don’t put up with that treatment

You need to do the same te personality change. Not losing your core values, but stop caring about him and start pouring all that love and effort into yourself. Get a make over new hair cut nails done and get exercising and new clothes. Get a cleaner in to wash that man right out of your house. Box up his ugly belongings. Decorate and accessorize the home in your style

Be angry about dd. You don’t want him back even if he came crawling.

I experienced similar. Exh had affair and wanted to be with OW. It was such a shock, been together since teens and I was 35. I couldnt eat, sleep and felt wretched all the time. ExH changed into a different person, so cold and unfeeling. It was like he was an imposter and I grieved the husband that was gone. It was devastating. We had no DCs.

However it got better. Of course it took time, sometimes one step forward and one back. I thought I wouldnt get over it, but I did.

You need to focus on yourself. Stop yourself thinking about him, what he’s doing, what hes thinking etc. Think about YOU and looking after yourself and DD, do things that make you feel good and surround yourself with people who care for you.
Exercise really helped me to work off that anxiety. Get your hair and nails done, think about redecorating, get lots of pink in the house! Keep yourself busy. Do lovely things with DD.

It will honestly get better. Take it one day at a time.

And also I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It really is shit but it will get better.

It will get better, promise x

DD refuses to see her F and has blocked him. She issued the “it’s her or me” ultimatum and has lost.

I’ve been attempting to mediate but STBXH continues to let her down. My counsellor has suggested I go no contact too for my own wellbeing.

Anyone had a similar situation? How did it play out?

@IAmNotDarling Your daughter is a young teen and if she absolutely doesn't want to see him, I wouldn't be trying to mediate between her and her Dad. She sees how badly he is behaving/letting her down and she's old enough to understand exactly what is going on.

I think your counsellor is right. Just go no-contact with your STBX and move forward with your life. For your own mental health. It will be hard and I feel for you, but you will get through this in time. Sending virtual hugs

Its a bit different but DD (shes 11) hasnt seen her dad since April last year, DD refuses to meet his affair partner (it was an EA) who he moved in with 6 weeks after moving out, so because DD wont meet the OW, ex wont meet DD. He could take her to McDonalds, out for tea, or even just drive round with her but no, nothing.

She has snapchat and he joined it to message DD, last she heard from him was 4 weeks ago, i had to contact him but have no way to do it to ask him something important, we had to do it via DD's snapchat, we let him know it was me he was talking to and not DD and he did reply to my question, now he wont contact DD anymore as he thinks i use the account and pretend to be DD to talk to him. Idiot.

She is resigned to him playing happy families with the OW and her kids, and that she will probably not see him for years. If she was in hospital i would have no way of contacting him to tell him.

I used to get so angry as him just walking away but i have made my peace with it and i am glad he is not in touch as he was messing her around and it made her emotions everywhere. He genuinely has no idea what is going on in her life.

Not me but a friend of mine. She had teenage and young adult daughters. The father had an on and off affair with a woman not that much older than them. They were devastated when they found out and stopped talking to their dad and the relationship with him never recovered.

I would suggest independent counselling for your daughter. You are too close to the situation to be mediating between her and ex.

Your daughter seems to have his number and rightfully has no interest in a 'father' who picked a sleazy fling over her.

I wouldn't get involved in mediating a relationship; support her decision.

@IAmNotDarling don’t do this man any more favours. I don’t think it’s good for your daughters well being or yours to engage with him.
i am divorced, ExH cheated on me and was a shit but he fought for his kids to have them 50% of the time. My older daughter resents him and what he did to our family and the Ow not really staying when kids are there because of it.
My point is, your ex needs to fight for her. It won’t be all on your daughters terms as he won’t make that choice but if he stops letting her down he might save something with her. But it has so come from him.
He is more of a fucking arsehole than I thought!

Your wonderful dd's decision should be supported - it also makes your life much easier. Neither of you now need to have anything whatsoever to do with that arsehole. You don't know this man any more, he is someone else now. Stop the mediating and concentrate on you and your dd. Have an amazing life, just the two of you, without him.

I think it's ok to let your daughter know that she can change her mind on this and that you would like her to have a relationship with her Dad (if that is the case) and why.

But I wouldn't actively try and persuade her.