The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

@IAmNotDarling I’ve just read your thread. I just wanted to say I don’t know you, but I wish I did, I wish we were friends so I could give you a big hug and tell you how amazing you are. I’m sat in a beach bar in Greece with a glass of wine and although I’ve not been through exactly what you’ve been me and my OH have recently split up, and I feel your pain. It’s totally shit when your entire future is decimated. But let’s have faith that we will get there and be stronger, braver and more fabulous than ever before. Cheers from Greece 🥂

I’m so glad you had a lovely holiday with you DD.

Flipping'eck OP.
You're fucking awesome.

Your holiday sounds much-needed for you and your DD. I am so pleased you had a lovely break.

Amazing updates @IAmNotDarling

You are absolutely smashing this. Be gentle with yourself healing takes time but the data do get brighter.

Glad you enjoyed such a wonderful holiday with your darling girl!

You're doing amazingly

What does your daughter's Counsellor say about DD seeing her Dad?

I want to take a trip by myself this summer. Completely solo. I want to sit in a cafe by the sea on a Greek island. I want a glass of wine in hand and a good book to read. I won’t though, that would be selfish when I have to cut my cloth. @IAmNotDarling

OP, if you can somehow pull the money together and do this, then please do it. That's not selfish, that's looking after yourself, a little reward for surviving the absolute worst months of your life.

I went through a traumatic breakup a lot of years, thanks also to his cheating. Of course he'd minimised everything but over the next few months I just focused on survival, of waking up the next day still intact.

Some months later and as much as I really couldn't afford it, I cobbled together the cash to go and stay with a friend in California for 10 days. It was one of the most healing, cathartic things I could have done. I remember this clear moment at the end of the holiday where I heard myself saying out loud (and meaning it), 'I don't love him anymore'. There was no anger, no grief just this sudden glorious nothingness of simply not being attached emotionally to him in any way. It didn't magically get easier from that moment but I really think the time away helped something in me to shift in the right direction.

It is one of the hardest emotional journeys to go through but if there's a practical way to make your Greek getaway possible, I hope you're able to do it.

DD has finished her block of counselling and hasn’t made any progress. She’s not spoken further about her dad. She seems ok, apart from sleeping with the dressing gown he left behind. It’s a comfort for her.

My DF came to stay for a few days this week and he helped me hang some framed prints. It was lovely to spend time with him. He asked me if I wanted to share my life with someone in the future. I do.

I’ve been reading a lot about letting go as a way to find peace. I’ve decided I need to draw a line under what has gone before. I will never forgive. I will never forget. However I will not let it shape my future - not all men are cheating scumbag liars. I now have a list of what I want and what I will not tolerate from anyone.

I’ve got a weekend planned to go walking in the Peaks next month with a friend and I’ve decided to go a night early and stay on my own. That will have to be my solo getaway for now.

DD has an overseas school trip next June, maybe that will be the week I go away? I’ll be divorced by then and I’ll have a better idea of my finances well before that.

STBXH didn’t want to hang things on the walls. I now have the start of a gallery wall - I could have done it myself but it helped my DF feel like he we being helpful.

I'm not sure why I've been following your thread since it started as I've never been cheated on, but something in your words touched me. You sound as if you're drawing a line under it and moving on, stronger somehow. All the best for you and your daughter. I hope karma comes calling for those who deserve it.

It’s actually quite heart breaking hearing your DD sleeps with her dads dressing gown. She needs time more than anything … I would try to start the therapy again for her again maybe in 3 months as she sounds like she’s containing a lot of emotion.
@IAmNotDarling you sound like you are on the right road and are shaping in your head what you want the future to look like.
On a very practical level as I know you want to get away next year, get the BA Amex card and switch all your expenditure to this.If you pay it off daily you won’t get interest but you will prob get 2 flights for as little as £30! I do it all the time. Then you have something to look forward to for you!

@IAmNotDarling

Good for you on hanging your pictures! It's always good to do the things that make the house YOUR home.

And IMHO 'forgive and forget' isn't necessary to the healing process. You can let go the anger and get to a place of indifference (the desired state of emotion) without saying "Oh well, that's ok then, we'll forget all about it". I think remembering the past is key to not repeating our mistakes.

I’ve thought about returning to this thread to update you all many times, but have been unable to put my words down until now.

I have just read another thread by a woman whose H is having an emotional affair and how they’re going to pursue counselling. I felt somewhat jealous, that she’d had the opportunity to catch it before it got physical but then reflected that I am better off without my selfish prick of an ex. While he may not have gone on to cheat he’d still be a massive man baby.

I’m on our family holiday. One booked when he started the affair. I think he expected me to cancel but I’m here and we’re having a lovely time. DD still isn’t seeing him. He’s still choosing the OW over DD.

We had a mediation session where my agenda items were focussed on DD and his were on money. The mediator was shit and I said during the session we didn’t need her to progress financial matters, and took it out of meditation. I met with STBXH and agreed settlement terms so I could instruct my solicitor to draft a consent order for us both to approve. We will both end up with roughly the same available cash each month (not including OW’s income although I’ve told him by the time it gets to court it will be relevant) and be able to give DD a similar lifestyle to what she had before. My solicitor hasn’t commented on chance of successful approval by the court yet, but STBXH wants shot of me as quickly as possible so I expect he’ll agree to anything reasonable to free him.

He’s starting counselling soon and DD will go to the same one with a view to joint sessions in time. He needs help. He’s cut himself off from his family and has told me he wants to know nothing of DD unless it’s life changing matters. That’s not normal. He’s lost all perspective.

DD is doing okay. She has her moments where she’s missing him but mainly he isn’t discussed. She finished school with decent end of year exam results. She’s got a great summer planned out.

Personally I’m not quite thriving but I’m more than getting there. My walking trip was wonderful, I’ve got another mini-trip with a friend next week. My social diary is pretty full for August.

I’m still having counselling and my focus is on the future. By January I should be divorced. Mine and DD’s future looks wide open and bright.

Well done. What an absolute twat cutting dd off quite so resolutely. That is a decision I’m sure he will come to regret

@IAmNotDarling wow! Your dd is so lucky to have a mother like you, a real lioness fighting for her. You deserve every good thing that comes your way, though I hear the sadness in your post, that your stbx isn’t even a fraction of the parent he should be. Best wishes for your new future - I’m sure it will be golden eventually!

Well done you, And thanks for the update.
What a man child, and it's great that you batted back him wanting to discuss money in mediation!
He will certainly regret this in years to come..Karma bites hard and sometimes late.
I hope your daughter, and you have a great summer x

Good grief, how can he just walk away from his daughter, not even wanting news? I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

I can't believe he'd cut off his own child like that, what an idiot. You're so brave, I wish you and your daughter all the very best.

I LOVE YOU OP ❤️
I love you with all my heart ribs and bone and every organ in me. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
WHAT A KICKASS BADASS YOU ARE!!!

Life has only just started for you. Let that loser who thinks he’s a man go. Let the shameless disgrace of a woman have him. They are welcome to each other.

my whole joy in this is that your daughter has an awesome role model in you and she will know what to do if she encounters an unfortunate sorry excuse of a man like her father.

i hope that other women who go through something similar borrow a leaf from your book. We mustn’t sit there and beg a man, NEVER!!! I was in a similar position. I told my ex ‘fuck you, fuck your money, fuck the ground you work on…’ and left. Started a life for myself with 2 young children who were 4 and 1 at the time. Now they are 21 and 17, I’m 43 and living my best life.

You can do it. Thanks for being so inspirational.

In a year from now you’ll look back and see how well you have done.
I think no amount of counselling ever cancels out unfaithfulness even though it’s “only emotional”. You would have always been looking over your shoulder, it would never have been the same again so don’t look back, enjoy your holiday!

OP, enjoy whatever you’ve planned for the summer with your DD.
one thing I know about cheaters- they will ALWAYS be suspicious of each other. Trust me, they are living in a bubble at the moment. Two cheaters destroyed their home and ditched their kids to form a union. They will never have peace.
OP, take each day at a time and enjoy the journey to your new life. Such a badass!!

@IAmNotDarling It is good to see your positive update on how you are getting on with things. Can't understand what your STBX is doing, by cutting off his daughter like this. He's a prize c**t, frankly. I'm pretty certain he'll come to regret it, but that's his problem. Thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you

Dr Phil said ‘if they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you’. In reference to cheating. It’ll come back to them.

Op, well done, think your updates will help others who have a similar journey. Your daughter will be ok, even if her relationship with her F isn't fully resolved.

My DC wanted absolutely nothing to do with OW, their own choice - I encouraged them to meet her but they disliked her more once they met her. Nothing to do with my feelings just good insight and trusting their instincts. Some DC, like adults, have this ability. They now spend time with their dad but it's superficial and they will never trust him fully.