The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

Sure does

@IAmNotDarling

IMHO your DD has a right to feel whatever she feels and to act on those feelings. She is in no way responsible for how her father feels about her actions and she doesn't owe him a relationship. The same goes for you. It's not up to you to facilitate anything. You don't owe your ex a relationship with his DD. If the time comes that she wants to see him, then naturally you'll do what's necessary.

But for now, as a character in the movie 'Tootsie' said: "Don't tell me how to feel. I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore".

@AcrossthePond55 thank you. Love that quote.

DD and I are on holiday abroad for half term. It’s not our first trip as a twosome, but it’s the first one adapting to a new budget. The place has no lift, so I had to carry 40kg of luggage myself up a 6 flights of steep stairs.

I wasn’t one for working out before this but I knew I had to get stronger physically. I’ve been working out with a 20kg bag at home for the last 6 weeks and doing pilates videos.

DD watched as I did it. When settled in bed she said was proud of me and reminded me that on our last trip in October I struggled to lift 10kg up to the overhead locker.

I’ve got this.

Just read your thread op and wow, whpat an amazing woman you are.

I am full of admiration for you and wish you and your DD all the best.

Not sure how alI missed this the first time you posted.
You and your DD are smashing this 💪

My DD is in a similar situation to your DD but is 20.
Her Dad and I split 6 years ago due to numerous emotional affairs, we split our weeks so she was with her Dad Mon - Thurs and I had Fri - Sun.
She has always been a daddies girl and despite him being emotionally abusive to me in the marriage I never thought he would treat DD as badly as he has done so recently.

DD has been away at Uni for the last few years and when she has been home split her time between me and her Dad and all has been good.

Last year he gained a new female friend, they spent a lot of time together and DD suspected they were together even though she was married.
Late last year he told DD that they were together and she was leaving her husband and that eventually they'd like to live together.
DD quite rightly said that she hoped it was a long way off as she had only met this woman once for 30 mins at a music event months before and she needed to be comfortable with her. Her Dad agreed and a few weeks later they all went out for lunch.
Then over Christmas she suddenly moved in with no warning 😱
The first my DD knew was when she went to the bathroom in the morning all her toiletries were there.
DD promptly moved out and took 90% of her belongings and came to mine.
Her Dad pretended it wasn't happening and allowed her to leave despite her sobbing her heart out.
Its gone from bad to worse and they are now renting a house together and DD has been even more pushed out.
He has seen DD 4 times in 5 months since then.
He keeps asking her to live with him and she says No and he says he can't understand why not. She explains and he ignores her.
He has white knight syndrome and has 'rescued' this woman from her 'abusive' husband and I think its all moved too fast and he can't backtrack now. He is hoping DD will forgive and forget like I did throughout our marriage but she won't.

Even this week he is pushing DD to send a card to the girlfriend....DD barely gives her me or her Dad cards on special occasions.

I am so angry with him I want to punch him in the face and I am so angry with her as no normal woman moves in with her new boyfriend and his daughter without first having met her and spent time getting to know her.
Surely she must know she has pushed DD out, I can't believe she is ok with this😡
We've heard that her own daughter isn't speaking to her over this and won't let her see her granddaughter (she is quite a bit older than DD's Dad).
Why couldn't she have rented her own place and they have dated like normal people and gradually introduced to family and friends🤦‍♀️

Sorry that was so long, just sending solidarity to you and your DD🩷

I’ve got this.

You certainly do!! And isn't it amazing (and gratifying) to know what we really can do when we put our minds (and bodies) to it!

@AcrossthePond55 you get amazinger and amazinger.
What a fabulous example you set for your daughter.
Have a wonderful holiday!

Wishing you both an amazing break!

I think you meant this for @IAmNotDarling

But thanks anyway 😂

lol you’re dd is funny.

no help but loads of emotional support.

Enjoy the holiday both of you.

You are both amazing 😀

@IAmNotDarling super-amazing !

DD has injured her shoulder and needs to rest it this week.

Thanks all for the encouragement. I’ve hired car and plan to drive us to different beaches each day. Yesterday we got up, bought a massive umbrella, drinks, lunch and snacks and lay on the beach for 5 hours. I had possibly the best nap I’ve had in years. DD was content. Neither of us needing to be entertained or worrying about someone else.

In the evening we got ready at our pace, went for a relaxed meal and a wander around before returning back to sit on the balcony and chill.

I slept soundly last night for the first time since this all started. Maybe I just needed a holiday sooner?

@YouAreAStrongLady has summed up my thoughts on this nonsense far better than I could, but I just have to say I think OPs husband has gone a bit beyond being a cheeky fucker don't you? He's ripped apart his family for the sake of his dick and done possibly permanent damage to the mental health of his child. "oh what a cheeky fucker" is the biggest understatement of the year.

@IAmNotDarling maybe you did need a holiday sooner.

Or maybe your resolve and a new sense of peace has emerged as a result of your decision to stop trying with this awful man.

Isn't it wonderful being on holiday without a husband !!!
Mine is a dead weight, I have to adjust everything according to his wishes, run everything by him, plan & prepare, but when I ask him what he wants to do, he says "I don't know"...

My DH is lovely, but a holiday without a DH, no matter how lovely, certainly can be fab. I go 'back home' once a year for a couple of weeks to stay with my cousin-BFF and we have a wonderful time shopping, snoozing on her patio, more shopping, more snoozing, dinners out.

Not to say DH and I don't have great holidays (we RV) but a lazy-girl holiday is great, too.

@IAmNotDarling I think you're amazing. My last few years have some similarities.
This song.(Among others) Is on my playlist and it made me wonder if you'd like it too.
W.I.T.C.H by Devon Cole.
I play it when I need a reminder that I rock!
Feel free to ignore if the music isn't your bag 😃

Just caught up with your situation @IAmNotDarling. I hope you and DD are having a relaxing and rejuvenating holiday. I hope DD’s shoulder is on the mend.

You are both bloody amazing!!

Love it @Lookingforunicorns thank you.
I’m also enjoying Beyoncé’s “Don’t Hurt Yourself”.

I had my regular counselling session this morning on the balcony of our apartment. Talked about how to find peace and move forward - I think I’m way off finding peace but she reminded how much further I’ve come than I realise.

@IAmNotDarling just remember one day all this will be your past and you’ll be looking back at it as a memory from your new life. It’s hard to imagine that when your in it.

DD and I have had a lovely time on our holiday. We had more beach days, good food, explored towns and laughed together. There was no stress. No worry about keeping Ex entertained.

Nonetheless I had a few grief filled moments but largely I felt at peace. We went to the most scenic bay I’ve ever been to in the Mediterranean. My first thought when I arrived was ‘he’d love it here’ but I pushed it down. Later while I swam out into the colder, deeper water I was overwhelmed by grief and the tears flowed. It was angry grief. Grief for my
lost plans. Pity for him that he was missing out. I floated, sitting with it for a while then suddenly thought ‘fuck him, he’s gone’ and swam back to shore feeling that a little more weight had been lifted.

Another was watching a beautiful sunset. That grief was about loneliness and worrying I’d never share such a beautiful scene with a romantic partner again. Silly really. I’m 42 and if I want to find a partner in the future, I am optimistic that I can. DD was sat there quietly holding my hand and that snapped me back into the moment and able to appreciate it with her (as far as a 13 year cares about sunsets).

I want to take a trip by myself this summer. Completely solo. I want to sit in a cafe by the sea on a Greek island. I want a glass of wine in hand and a good book to read. I won’t though, that would be selfish when I have to cut my cloth.

I find swimming always has that effect too. Try and find some outdoor swimming spots near you, it has the power to silence all the thoughts shouting at you inside your head like nothing else. Especially as it gets colder.

so pleased you had a good holiday and we’re able to set the reset button a bit.

If there's anyway you can book a cheapy in Greece on your own, do it. It'll do you good.

Shirley Valentine eat your heart out

After splitting and divorce there are lots of firsts “ first Xmas”, “First holiday” ect.
You have got through your first holiday without him, painful in parts I know but hopefully in a sense liberating and special with you DD.

Oh take yourself for a long weekend away, you've earned it! I'm glad you had a nice holiday with your DD, I hope she's doing ok as well. She sounds like a tough little cookie, as do you.