The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

Just read the full thread...
OP you're bloody amazing!!

Just read through your thread OP and you are very strong, although you may not feel it 💪

What do your ex In Laws say about the situation? have they confronted him on how he's behaving towards their grandchild?

He’s cut himself off from his family and has told me he wants to know nothing of DD unless it’s life changing matters

My heart breaks for your daughter, his behaviour towards her is utterly appalling

Thanks for the update.
You're doing so well. Your poor daughter - you can find another partner if you want one but she can't get a new dad. Lucky for her she has an incredible mum to support her and advocate for her though xx

We’re on holiday with them. MIL has asked him if OW is worth losing his DD over and he refused to answer. He hasn’t contacted her or FIL since.

I don’t want or expect them to chose us over him but I sure as shit want them to have nothing to do with OW.

Wow. That is appalling. What an absolute embarrassment of a man he is. Your poor daughter. Thank goodness she's got a hard as nails mum fighting her corner.

It sounds like they're good people and know their GC is the most important person in all this.

From my own experience, my brother did what your ex did and I was so horrified when I found out. Not because he claimed to have fallen in love with someone else but because of the callous and manipulative way he carried on. He tried to manipulate me to be friends with the OW before the split happened, he took her to business events when everyone around him knew his wife and kids were sat at home and loads more shitty things. OW knew his wife and kids were at home. She apparently waxed lyrical about all the fun things she wanted to organise for her to do with the kids.

One day he just packed a bag and walked out on his distraught teenage son, daughter and shocked wife and shacked up with the OW. Then started bitterly complaining when we didn't want anything to do with the OW, how we were being judgemental. He kept trying to engineer situations to include the OW. He almost bullied my dad who is very ill into having her in his home whilst his poor wife and kids were dealing with the fallout. I said to dad you need to be strong and put your relationship with your GC first, they're the vulnerable ones who need to be the priority here , not my brothers tantrum or the OWs hurt feelings (she claimed we were all being deeply unfair to her 🙄). He agreed and stood firm. The OW was never invited.

Anyway, long story short when brother realised we weren't going to play happy families with her he got bored and dumped her. She was livid (he was wealthy and she had told him she'd envisaged a comfortable life).

To this day I'm LC with my brother. I cannot believe how much he changed during the whole affair and what his true colours were. I don't trust him anymore.

@MacDonaldandHobNobs it’s the entitlement that gets me with these people.

You've been so strong OP. Well done to you and your DD

One thing I will say - is that those who have the best time in old age have great relationships with their children. Those who have the worst time dont. They'll come a time when he'll be old and desperate to see her, and his DD will remember how he treated her when she was young.

These things always come back around to bite people. It's almost sad how stupid he's being. The OW also probably won't last.

You've done amazingly though, well done for being so strong and inspirational.

OP I am pleased the ILs have your and DD's backs.

It must be very sad for them to see how their son has turned out

I agree with this. I feel really sorry for the ILs, they have to completely revise who they thought he was as well. That's going to hurt.

I'd like to add its not because the relationship broke down, sad to say these things do happen. It's the callous disregard for other people. That they can be so focused on getting their own way that it doesn't matter what emotional trauma they inflict or what bridges they burn. It's something that can't be undone and casts a long shadow because you now know you really can't trust a word they say.

What is really pathetic is that it is obvious to anyone with eyes to see that their new relationship is a train wreck in progress that isn't making anyone happy. That they're blowing up relationships for something that is highly unlikely to last. Or if stubbornly held on to, makes them miserable and isolated in the long run. I would hazard a guess that economic necessity may make them stay (roof over their head) or an entrenched position has been taken and sunken costs plays a big part. Who knows but its so sad to see.

My dad did this to my mum although everyone was older and I was an adult. He only left when OW relationship fell apart. I used to have little regular things I'd do with my dad. He stopped them all and started doing "our" things with OW instead. It was my sister's wedding quite soon after it happened and she asked him to come without OW for mums sake. He refused so missed her wedding. He stopped bothering to contact me regularly unless he wanted money.

The point of my post is that I don't think it was necessary the OW making him walk away from us. I think my dad was besotted with her like a love sick teenager and he didn't want to leave her side.

It all ended quite sadly for us in the end.

I’m sorry that you’ve experienced that @Tightfishedtwat - these arseholes don’t know the value of family.

100 per cent

I think you're amazing OP! It must be so difficult for you but you're so dignified and a fantastic example to your daughter x

Well done on being the lioness you needed to be!

Your post really resonates with me as my daughter’s father decided when she was 16 that he didn’t want contact anymore as he had met a much younger women and decided his past and 2 children wasn’t part of their future. He’d previously acted the doting father up until that point. However, I should never have trusted him… He’d already cheated on me while pregnant after many years together and also subsequently with my daughter’s step mum while she had a toddler. So he destroyed their sibling relationship too. Now has married the younger woman he left her for, has two young kids with her, weirdly he stalks my daughters socials but has no contact with her.

He also decided that he no longer had to pay maintenance at the same time despite her being in full-time education, I took it to court and he ended paying just under double what he’d paid previously and I’d amicably agreed with him before he treated our daughter so horribly, so karma bit back on him :-)

I said to my daughter she should block him from seeing her life on social media so after what he’s done (he has her on restricted view on his own socials ) but she doesn’t. Part of me wonders if it’s because of the fact he sees the lovely full life she has and what he is missing out on. I don’t ask any more as it’s her choice. Luckily my husband has always been here as a great step-dad but I know deep down the hurt is still there.

Hi@IAmNotDarling hope you had a great August. Any more developments on STBXH? Had he got in contact with your DD?

Thanks for checking in @Diarygirlqueen. August was nicely busy and DD and I had lots of quality time together.

DD started counselling as planned. The counsellor is great. She’s focused on helping DD process the hurt and pain she feels. STBXH has seen the counsellor twice and agreed that DD could have feedback from the initial sessions. The upshot being that the counsellor has laid it out bare for him that unless he stops running away from facing the consequences of his actions he’s not going to have any sort of a relationship with DD.

Back to school has been okay. DD misses her F terribly and we’ve have some sleepless nights.

MIL gave in and messaged STBXH. I expect their relationship will remained strained as long as they are refusing to acknowledge the OW.

I’m doing okay. I’ve completed counselling myself and am feeling optimistic about my future. I’m just waiting for my solicitor to draw up the consent order so we can put it in as soon as the conditional order is in. Hopeful of all the legals being concluded by Xmas.

I hear on the grapevine that OW is a cokehead and out on the town regularly with her mates. It sounds like the honeymoon period is coming to an end. Summers over, she’s had 3 holidays out of him and likely seeing him for the pathetic little man STBXH is. I can’t help but hope she cheats on him before the year is out.

I’m still mad as hell but I’ll never be lonely like @HemingwaysDog ’s dad or STBXH will be once the gold digger jumps off his dick.

@IAmNotDarling I read your whole thread today. So sorry you've been through this.

It's truly amazing how quickly someone can ditch their family, and their children for the OW. My EXH met OW the week I was due to give birth to DD3 (she actually signed our congratulations card) and by the time DD3 was 14 weeks old he was living with her.

You sound a lot stronger than I was! Good on you!

A few months after ExH left I met someone else who treats me like I deserve to be treated. Good luck OP!

You're doing so well. I wonder does he recognise that he has ruined his beautiful family for, what sounds, like a truly awful woman. It's so shocking how people you thought you knew can change or reveal completely different sides of themselves. I hope you and your daughter find peace soon. Thanks for the update.

@IAmNotDarling I think the best justice for you is to see their relationship unravel as he really finds out what he’s got himself into. She sounds real treat esp blowing up her children’s lives when they important exams!

I do feel so much your DD - she is so conflicted with love, rage and disbelief. It is the hardest thing to see your child in pain op and I feel for you too. I’ve been there with my DDs in the year where she had a huge mental health episode. At the time I never thought it would end or I would see a way out for us but it eventually happened. Your DD will heal but it will take time. I think I’ve leant everything in life is temporary and it applies equally to love and pain. Only when you lose so much this becomes a realisation that we lose and we gain.

STBXH is now verySTBXH.

Later this month the Conditional Order will be given. The Conditional Order is being drawn up and then once submitted it’s just a case of waiting for approval and then getting the Final Order.

I feel detached and cold about it. There’s still zero contact between DD and her F. I don’t even know if he’s having therapy anymore and DD won’t ask the therapist. DD is more settled and doing better in all aspects of her life.

I just need to accept that I’m going to be DD’s sole parent for the rest of her childhood. He may drop CM into my account every month but he’ll never parent again.

OP. Words fail me, despite seeing this happen so many times.

He will leave OW. He will eventually shack up with someone else and be a shadow of his former fake persona. Self-broken, and that will be the only reason why one day he may say "I got it wrong". You have no blame at all for your marriage failing.

A man walking away from his children and partner for another woman is a weak man. No surprise because men are inherently emotionally weak. The majority leave themselves open only to choices made for them, particularly weak when their dicks or egos do the thinking. It is for this reason I have never been part of a male friendship group.

Your daughter will grow up stronger, despite your injuries. You are both fleeing a metaphorical war-torn country and will relocate into new lands. In many ways, your worlds may just get bigger. Good luck to you both.