Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

I love the advice from a pp who said to go to work one morning and just say "I know". I would also add to that "I have known for ages", just to let him know I have probably been plotting and planning behind his back.

However, I would also be the kind of woman who would take out a billboard poster with images of the messages and husband and ow's names on, because I am a vindictive cow.

The "I know" thing is pure class though, letting him know without kicking off big time.

Any music related texts? Set your ring tone to one of the songs. Mess with his head a bit.
Wouldn't be able to help myself... Have you got a name yet? Mention an actress /singer with the same first name. Watch him squirm you using her name..

You are no doubt still in shock (and no wonder, those messages must have been an horrendous discovery which attack your whole being on many levels) and also grieving the actual and potential losses that this represents.
The stages of grief apply not just to a bereavement, but to a major loss of any kind.
You have lost the life you thought you had, the man you thought he was, the future you were planning and even the past now has a question mark over it. This is huge, OP, and you need to grieve properly and massively prioritise your well-being.
In a very small and rushed nutshell, the 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
On denial, it is hard to wrap your head around what has happened therefore it’s easier to try to invent a rational and more palatable explanation than the painful truth. It’s a natural defence mechanism. Anger is self-explanatory and can also take the form of questions such as “Why me?” “What have I done to deserve this” etc.
The bargaining phase might include questions such as “what if I’d done something differently?” “What can I do to ‘solve’ this and put things back as they were?” It’s an especially difficult stage after being blindsided by infidelity, as the answers are “You did nothing to cause this” and “It is not your responsibility to put this right, that’s on him.”
The depression stage does not mean clinical depression, it means you are facing your new reality and feel understandably intensely sad and are finally allowing yourself to really feel what this has actually done to you.
Acceptance is more about how you acknowledge the losses you’ve experienced, how you learn to live with them, and how you readjust your life accordingly and move forward.

None of the above is easy, you will need a support network of trusted friends and/ or family and possibly a counsellor, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Google the five stages of grief for more details, it might help you understand that you are not abnormal or going crazy, it is a normal response to a traumatic and overwhelming series of losses.
Cut yourself a load of slack and if you need to, ask for a break from work, or at least tell someone at work so that they understand and can support you. You might find working helps and don’t want or need time off, play it by ear, but don’t get exhausted and worn out, work is hard enough to deal with when you feel 100%, let alone when suffering and feeling as depleted as you feel now.
Take great, great care of yourself OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this, infidelity is a terrible, terrible thing and you deserve all the sympathetic support you can get. X

It’s REALLY hard ripping off our rose tinted glasses.

You've viewed him through this lens for so long, it’s become your truth. It just takes time to start seeing more clearly.

But you will.

And when you do, you’ll realise that what led him to do this to you was always there. In smaller actions. You’ll see the selfish, entitled, man child underneath and you’ll be happy you escaped him!

Someone else on here did just that a few weeks ago but it seemed to cause her so much stress as he just played dumb and it took ages for her to get any answers from him.

As much as I understand the desire for it I don't think revenge is a useful way forward.
You have a person who believes they have an automatic right to be the boss. If you try to humiliate them or put them down you are inviting them to punish you and prolonging your involvement with them.
Best thing is quietly but methodically distance yourself as much as you can. Get away and drop completely off their radar. Then you can watch from a distance as they fuck up their own lives.

Separate your finances. Empty any joint accounts. Get any work done on the house that needs doing and pay from joint account. Get your car serviced. Move or hide anything important that you don't want him to take. Increase his life insurance. Make sure you have copies of wills, house deeds, passports etc.

Watch and wait.

Swearing blue in the face that there is no OW is always the initial Naughty boy behaviour
They havent totally decided to jump ship.
They are unable too weak to be truthful.
They dont want to face the consequences.
They dont want to be seen as yet another stereotype cheater.
They havent finished their financial preparations.
They would prefer you to fall out saying it was just that your marriage had run its course. & OW came along afterwards.

Its weak, devious & unbelievably common. So sorry you are having to live through this.
Please get your wages paid into a new account immediately.
I would share nothing

I'm taking in the overall advice of not revealing any knowledge till the divorce has been completed...so far everything pp have predicted became true. So I am keen to follow your advice here. BUT I just don't know how to deal sharing the flat with him till then. That's 6 month or more for the divorce to go through.
He would frequently return from weekend trips with the OW (as he has in the last few months) ... I'm quite worried about my mental health if I had to live with this for more than six months. He already said he can't afford to move out, so that is not an option I think as I can't force him to leave legally.

Wait, he is abandoning the home to love it up with OW.
He cant afford to leave?
Fuck that for a game os soldiers. You tell him he is gone, You do not cry.
You say seeing as he wants to leave, then he will be dong just that.
You will not be sharing a house with him

The divorce is just a piece of paper, it dies not stop him from moving out.
If you have to sell the flat, he can still move out till that happens

yes he already has announced that he can't afford to move out, and he wants to wait till the flat is sold so he has the money. He says it shouldn't be a problem as we are amicable and 'nobody is having an affair'

It's funny that, because in the very beginning when he was talking about separation he was keen to move out. seems he found he can have his cake and eat it ...

Could he move in with friends or family until the sale. He could keep up his pretence and you could have peace.

So what he's saying is he will idle his hours away with you until the sale. They he's off. In the meantime he's going to work on your conscious uncoupling and then intro the GF for the final reveal.

I would take the control away from him and get him out now.

I think at this stage is just tell him you know, confront him with the evidence (make sure it’s backed up somewhere he can’t get at it) and chuck him out.

No way should you be having to hold your tongue and keep up the pretence until the flat is sold - that is just going to be torture for you and very damaging to your MH.

Just tell him the games up, pack his bags whilst he’s out and change the locks - people will say you can’t legally do this but when he’s backed into a corner with his sordid shenanigans what’s he realistically going to do? He can rent or stay with family or even better, move in with his OW.

Force his hand I say. I bet things won’t seem so great when he’s forced to move at YOUR pace, not his!

In the meantime he's going to work on your conscious uncoupling and then intro the GF for the final reveal.

This is what my mistake was going to do. As she was so fragile and crazy he claimed he had to handle the moving out stage very carefully, wait for her to move on and then introduce me as someone he’d just started dating! He claimed he was doing this for my benefit as she was crazy and would be on the warpath wanting revenge. This was when I started to realise all wasn’t as it seemed. If they were just living as friends etc why would she be so upset?

He was absolutely full of shit!

My goodness OP I am in awe of you and your strength, he really thinks he is outsmarting you.
I worry for you that when he finally leaves your anger will desert you and you will need a huge amount of support, do lean on your family and friends, and good luck x

You have to make it boring and lonely for him to live there.

Separate bedrooms, obviously , but also you have to set up a rota where you see as little of him as possible. So timetable thé use of the bathroom ( unless you have two) the kitchen, all the shared areas. He has the sitting room Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, alternate weeks.

Divide the kitchen cupboards, he has his cups etc in one , you have yours in the other. Back to Uni on the milk, names on cartons…..don’t make his life remotely easier or more comfortable by your presence. Set up a cleaning rota too, don’t do anything, anything at all for the stranger with whom you are being forced to share a room.

oh, and communicate by text or note. No cosy chats…..

I agree about the need to preserve your mental health. Once you have saved copies of those messages, I would pack up his stuff into a storage unit rented in his name while he is “working away” and tell him that you know about and have proof of the 2 year affair. He needs to move out prior to the flat sale because you cannot abide living with a liar and cheater.

Don’t tell every one else quite yet (except close friends and family). Just use the implied threat of having to reveal all if he makes a fuss about his stuff being moved out.
He probably won’t legally contest it as he planned to move out anyway on his own timing and terms. He can move in with the OW.

I think you tell him it's not amicable and now he's pulled the plug on your marriage after stringing along he needs to find somewhere else to go and how does he not care how much he has hurt you and what this is doing to your MH.

If that doesn't work give it a few more weeks and ask him why he can't go be with the OW.

He can go & live with his Mother...
He is responsible for the whole miserable situation.
He does NOT get to stay in your nice warm flat,
Surely OW has accomodation? ir dies she still live with Mummy & Daddy?
.. He is leaving you for her, surely this is their problem, not yours.

Get your own fridge. Take the fuse out the washing machine after you use it. Ow can wash his manky pants. Make sure both names are on utility bills although I managed to agree to pay just 50% of ours when ex tried to forward huge bills to me... Change WiFi password regularly and deny it.

"
100% on point. It feels a lot like: I'd like to separate from you, can you please organise it?
He keeps saying I should feel the same as he does, and it would be 'easier' if I also craved distance."

I had this after 36 years.
" I don't know what I want" after I got the proof of another affair and bla bla bla.
I was done. I wasn't doing another 'pick me dance' ever again.
Then I had to sort out everything.
He couldn't be bothered to answer solicitor letters, he defaulted to OW ( which he's been trying to get to make work for the past 2,years and it's now unravelling) and then it was 'What I wanted' ; The divorce and he was then making himself to be all victim.
Insane and it broke me.
But I'm repairing slowly but surely and have no regrets. He's a coward and remains a coward. He even admitted it.

See a solicitor, get everything lined up and be brave. You are worth more

Don't beat yourself up, you've had a horrible shock and it's completely understandable that you would react with pleading and questions. Be kind to yourself. Get support from friends and family. Think about what YOU want going forward. Get legal advice. Best of luck 💐

I agree with separating your lives as much as possible. He can do his own laundry, shopping, cooking and share of the cleaning. It will help you mentally as well to be only thinking about yourself. Do you want to sell the flat or buy him out? You're not there yet but the day will come when you realise that you are properly putting yourself first. You are not to blame for loving and trusting someone who turned out not to be worthy - your only error was in thinking he was as honest and brave as you are.

that's exactly his plan. how do I get him out If he is legally entitled to stay in the flat, it is half his?