Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

I'm trying to stay positive. I have to be honest I find it still very hard. To be replaced by a younger woman is just so hurtful. To be cut out of his life with such finality and ease makes me feel so small and insignificant. I question everything in our past. when did he stop loving me? I managed to endure the journey so far without any medical help but I might need to get some anti anxiety medication. I never had panic attacks before, but now they are happening frequently.

I sometimes forget about it all when I'm deeply immersed in work or a film. Whenever I snap out of that, it hits me so so hard.

Then there is the fact that he is a narcissist and in theory I should be happy to be rid of him. I do understand that it is better for me, my mental and physical health to be without him. But emotionally I'm still so connected to the concept of us as a couple, I still am so sad. still not angry. I SO wish for anger.

Jip, he is trying to have you make the decision. He knows what he is doing and is not man enough to admit it. There is someone else. He wants to make you the bad guy for what is is doing / planning. As I read these posts, what the hell is it with the 20 year thing??? Is this the new #metoo??? Why would men do this to loyal woman who gave them kids and looks after them? We also went through infidility, and it is hell. Trying to stay and make it work, but it is a battle I am not sure we will win. Stay strong, and know you are enough. Never doubt that fact. Lots of Love.

If you can avoid anger, do it. I had to go to the emergency unit the one night because I flipped out over his shitty answers and smashed my fist through a picture frame. Needed 9 stitches.... so please stay calm and move on if you can.

OP you haven't done anything wrong, you are a lovely person. Eventually this will be less than it is now and with time you will be at peace again. In the meantime your doctor can help with anxiety medication, which is quick and effective and will help you feel in control of your situation. Honestly you have handled this entire situation with such grace. Good things are going to come your way

it will get better for you once you don't have any contact with him. while you're still having to live together you can't move on.

He has moved out by now. I keep contact as minimal as possible, some paperwork needs to be discussed. but after 22 years, a few weeks or month feels like nothing. I wish I could cut him off as easily as he did discard me.

I know it's a cliche, but in time it will get better. I also think he'll regret what he's done.

So he just left?
Presumably the OW's husband also moved out.

I am so sorry that he's done this to you.

Did you ever tell him that you knew all along about the many OWs?

Please do go to the doctor and get some medication. It will really help you.

He absolutely will. OP is a class act ♥️

I sometimes forget about it all when I'm deeply immersed in work or a film. Whenever I snap out of that, it hits me so so hard.

Have you any bandwidth to engage in something new? Like restoring a chair, upcycling a table etc, Just the symbolism of turning something around to give it new purpose? Even painting a room. I can imagine you will be re-adjusting financially but you might find something in a charity shop which gives you a win -win...

You have to remember that he will treat his OW the same and she may not be so forgiving. She inherits a cheater. A serial cheater.

@Whatachliche

So he's gone. That's good. But in a way it's sort of 'reset your clock'. You had gotten used to living with him in the same house during this period and you'd built your defenses and strategies based on him being in that same house. Now he's gone and you'll need new defenses and strategies since he's no longer there. Plus, although it's seemed 'real' for a long time, now that he's actually gone, it's even more 'real real', IYSWIM.

Time does heal all wounds. Unfortunately there's no timetable for the healing. If you're not doing therapy, may be a good idea to restart based on your new set of circumstances. I think before it was more "How to I deal with this? How do I deal with him in the house?", now the focus needs to be "How to I build my new life?". If you feel your previous therapist(s) weren't helping you progress the way you wanted to, find a new one. Sometimes it takes a few therapists before you find the right 'fit'.

You can and will do this. You are a fabulous human being, full of love and ideas. You'll find your new path, I know you will. Remember that you are not alone. Many of us have already trod the road you're on, and unfortunately many will follow behind you. But ALL of us have and/or will find a wonderful life. So will you.

hi @Whatachliche just checking in and hoping you are ok x

I'm healing in microscopically small steps. emotionally i'm still not over the fact that I have been replaced by a younger woman - it is such a slap in the face, such a cliche and so hurtful. When I try to summarise the feeling, it is still this: To be cut out of his life with such finality and ease makes me feel so small and insignificant. I question everything in our past.

I have not yet been to the GP for AD or anxiety drugs. I realised that all the sadness I feel is coming from his cruelty, but the anxiety I'm feeling is linked to finances and the potential loss of the flat.

I need to do things step by step and I need to get the financial agreement and flat ownership sorted before I want to start therapy.

Did any of you who experienced similar feel like they are trauma bonded to the cheater?
I think he is a narcissist and my home and mind feel calmer and less chaotic without him. My mental health might improve without him, so why am I still so sad about losing him and our relationship? I do miss him, I even dreamt about him recently. In my dream I was clinging on to him in tears. Fear not - this would never happen in real life, I do have my pride. Whenever I see him I'm breezy and appear not bothered.

So I'm gonna use a furniture analogy, clumsy but does the job i think.

You are a timeless unique classic and he has replaced you with the latest fad from ikea.

Just because he doesn't see your worth, your worth hasn't changed, just that one persons perception of your worth. You are still the person you were before. Your worth is not designated by his wants, his gaze, his choices, the 'value' he places on you.

I absolutely understand the feeling of being trauma bonded and your brain telling you this person has to love you and want you for you to feel 'ok', craving their acceptance, love and attention, to desperately want them to choose you. To be stuck in a cycle of what really is a kind of addictive pathway. But it is a kind of madness, an open wound, it takes a long time to heal and we pick at it over and over again. Therapy can help with this, when you are ready x

Just because he doesn't see your worth, your worth hasn't changed, just that one persons perception of your worth. You are still the person you were before. Your worth is not designated by his wants, his gaze, his choices, the 'value' he places on you.

I agree with this. But it's not fair to call his new victim less worthwhile than OP. He is a person who is incapable of seeing a woman's worth - he is only interested in what they can do for him. His new victim is probably a lovely person who is going to get well and truly destroyed by this horrible narcissist.

OP yes, trauma bonding is a real thing. It takes time to get over the feelings of attachment to a narcissist. It might help to see it as an addiction - it takes time to get over the cravings and the withdrawal symptoms, but the longer you go cold turkey, the stronger you become and then one day you realise you are free.

so why am I still so sad about losing him and our relationship? I do miss him, I even dreamt about him recently. In my dream I was clinging on to him in tears.

It's grief, just grief, for what you had (what you thought you had). We can't turn love off like a tap, or if wouldn't be love. The fact that you feel this way shows nothing more than your love for him was real.

It does pass, op, I promise. Its a process of letting go. As you heal, the wound he's left will feel less raw and you'll start to build yourself a new life, with new happiness and love from new friends (and lovers). You'll discover intimacy with people you don't yet know. Fulfilment which doesn't come from him will grow in the space and pain he's left behind.

I didn't specifically say she had 'less worth' but that for him she's 'new' and the latest fad. Her worth as a person remains unchanged by his gaze either. She remains as nice or not nice as she was before he 'picked her'. In time perhaps she too will be a timeless classic herself (as many ikea pieces have become) and he will probably bin her off for the next newly minted thing.

I knew what I was getting at and it wasn't tearing another women down to lift another up. It was showing we need to stop centering our worth on what specific men think of us or how they treat us. If you choose to read it differently, that's not something I can control.

I commented mostly in agreement but pointed out your comparison of OP as a "timeless classic" and the new victim as an "IKEA fad" struck me as inaccurate and a bit unfair.

You say you knew what you meant, but you expressed it in a way that didn't make your meaning clear. I wasn't attacking you or even really talking to you - simply reinforcing the part I agreed with to the OP and using the part I disagreed with to emphasise what a lowlife her ex actually is.

I don't see any need to go on the offensive here. I can only go by what you say, and if what you say doesn't express what you mean, it's not really my fault! I'm not a mind reader, only a word reader! :)

I knew what I was getting at and it wasn't tearing another women down to lift another up. It was showing we need to stop centering our worth on what specific men think of us or how they treat us. If you choose to read it differently, that's not something I can control

I understood what you meant.

It's the narcissistic man who makes the conscious decision to transfer his affections from one woman to another. The women have as much value as one another, until the man gets bored - again.
He is the person deserving of censure.

I apologise @taylorswift1989 if I made my point poorly. The intent was not to offend. I will not further derail this valuable thread for OP with semantics.
The most important thing here is supporting the OP at a really horrible time in her life.

I'm so sorry OP that this man has thrown a hand grenade into your life, your self worth and your peace of mind, and then strolled off without a backward glance. It absolutely blows my mind how men can change so utterly and so quickly in their value for and feelings for their partners, especially after 22 years of being everything to each other.

I really hope the paperwork completes soon so that you can begin the process of rebuilding and finding your peace again.

@perpetualnothingness @taylorswift1989 you are not derailing, I'm very much into a feminist semantics based discussion.

Your exchange actually helps me to disconnect the estimate of my own worth based on his perception. I must convince my brain he is not the ruler of my value.

I used to be the biggest advocate of 'it's not the OW fault' before this was happening to me, now the fact that flat-pack Billy is still married and hasn't come clean about her affair to her own husband puts her character in a slightly more questionable light.

.........................now the fact that flat-pack Billy is still married and hasn't come clean about her affair to her own husband puts her character in a slightly more questionable light

Yes indeed.

I can see why some women feel the need to let OW husbands know of their perfidy. There must be some satisfaction in pulling the rug out from the OW's intentions - although the downside is the effect on the husband, of course.

It's such a difficult area. MN is littered with threads on this subject, and no wonder.

No problem, just a miscommunication! Sounds like the OP is questioning the OW's contribution anyway. Maybe she is a flat pack after all...