Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP, I haven't read everything, but as someone whose been cheated on by STBXH.

Do what feels right to yiu, if you don't want to confront him yet, then don't, but please don't read his messages anymore, you're only hurting yourself

With regards to "finding your anger"- you will feel all sorts of emotions and if anger isn't there yet than so be it you can't force them.

You will have to go through all those dark feelings as part of your journey of healing.

It's the worst pain, but you will get there, I promise!!!

Take care

Even worse, I still can’t find my anger. I have no anger. Zero. nothing. just sadness. I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm seeing a therapist and she is trying to get me to feel some anger but there is none.

Personally, I think you're trapped in this horrible place because you haven't told him you know all about his affairs. You are bottling up this information so hard you're choking on it. I fail to see how calmly letting him know he isn't as clever as he thinks he is will hurt anything. I think telling him you know is when you'll find your anger because you are still in some level of denial. Honestly, fuck him, take your power back. You're just being an emotional doormat at this point. Telling him you know won't hurt him, he genuinely won't care, but it's for you, to rip the plaster off once and for all.

OP. If you think he will turn on you and be even nastier if you do confront him, then wait until you are sure its the right course of action and you feel strong enough. You have enough to deal with at the moment and I think that this strategy is protecting you from a very difficult confrontation at a time when you are feeling very low.

The good thing is that he's out of your hair for a month. Which is fantastic as it gives you space to sort out what you are feeling and what you want to do without having to do that under his eye.

See how you feel then after a few weeks of him not being there before you jump.
You don't have to rush into telling him. You had a strategy to withold the information to "manage" the situation. You can do a lot of forward planning when he's not there, looking over your shoulder and telling you have happy he is. Keep working away at your goals and see how you feel then.

However, I do understand how several PPs have said that its better to get it out there. I'm not a professional adviosr or anything, but maybe this is something to talk through with someone who has experience and can give you a one to one opinion. I just think that once the info is out there you can't stuff it back into the bottle and its something you should be feeling strong enough to deal with.

It sounds like you are doing your best in a very difficult situation. That's all a person can do.

You can't "take your power back" from a narcissist by confronting them. OP you are wise to hold back what you know. There will come a time when you can tell him, but it sounds like not yet.

Use this time to focus on YOU. Make a deal with yourself that you're not allowed to think about him. Allocate a 15 minute window per day where you can ruminate, and once the timer goes off, shut it down.

Use this time to connect with yourself. See friends and family. Go for some long walks. Take long baths, get your hair done. Cook yourself a gorgeous meal. Read. Listen to your favourite music. Dance. Stretch. Whatever feels good to you. Try to be in your body. Give yourself loads of love and care and treats.

It's not going to magically solve your problems, but I promise it will help. It might even give you some clarity when the narc moves back in (or maybe he won't... let's hope he stays away.)

What has you'd solicitor about getting on with the sale & getting him the hell out permanently ? So you can get out if this limbo.
You do sound very low, unsurprisingly. Nothing has changed & its stagnating & festering.

From what you have said, I wonder if telling him "you know" will change anything, he wont care you know, he will throw it back at you & say he's been unhappy & cant do it any more, he's told you he wants to leave. Yada Yada.
A lot of throwing if back in your face to hurt you & make you cry..Thats what bullies do.

IF, you say anything....
You could say, "You really are such a failure. Its amazing that someone who likes to portray himself as intelligent & 'a great guy' is actually simply a pompous & self centered cliché. You have played with numerous poor young girls at the same time, just to pump up your ego & get your dick wet.
Really a very poor end to your irrelevant, pointless life
You've finished as a sad middle aged joke"
That should hit a nerve !

He's a narcissist, if you tell him that you know, he'll lie and say he knows you know and that he doesn't care. He'll say this just to hurt you.
Keep hold of your power, you'll look back and see that it was your strength.

Keep sight of this important metaphor @Whatachliche

🕊
🐇

It won't help you. Don't even consider doing it. You won't get the response you want. It's such a helpless feeling and it hurts like hell but bit by bit, you need to work on emotionally detaching.

But you already know that he has zero remorse and that he doesn't care. And that he's happier now. If these things weren't true, he wouldn't have cheated and he wouldn't have left. And I'm sure he's already said as much to you. Or at least his actions have, loud and clear.

The point of speaking your truth, which is different than 'confronting', is that speaking one's truth is not done to get a reaction or apology. It's done for your own sake, for emotional relief. Confronting, on the other hand, is done to get a reaction. And frankly, in situations like yours the reaction is usually not what one wants. So you speak your truth, then you turn and walk away. You don't need to wait for his reaction because his reaction isn't important. Only that you spoke your truth.

Will you feel sadder or more emotionally destroyed? Possibly. But as my mum used to quote "Weeping endureth for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". You have your counselor (and this nest of vipers) to help you deal with any aftermath. But honestly, I don't think it will be worse than the emotional paralysis and fear of the future that you're living with now. I think it will be painful, but liberating at the same time.

But as I said; speak to your solicitor, discuss with your counselor. Then come to a decision. Just don't keep going on with 'what if' and 'I daren't' as you are now. That is stopping you from moving forward and that is what you need to be doing.

But you already know that he has zero remorse and that he doesn't care. And that he's happier now. If these things weren't true, he wouldn't have cheated and he wouldn't have left.

This is a shitty thing to say. Yes, he has no remorse. But he's not happier now. He didn't cheat because he was unhappy. He cheated because he's a narcissistic dickhead. He's not happier now - he's just found a fresh source of validation and attention. He's happy to have the attention of his affair partner, happy to have the attention of OP.

So you speak your truth, then you turn and walk away. You don't need to wait for his reaction because his reaction isn't important.

This is also bad advice. OP is dealing with a narcissist. She is trying to keep her head above water as he gaslights and bullies her. You think he won't use this 'speaking her truth' as more ammunition to use against her? Of course he will. You think she'll be able to turn and walk away? No chance.

It won't do any good for OP to speak her truth to him. It will do her a lot more good to get him out of her life and in order to do that, she needs to hang on to her sanity. Giving her ex the opportunity to know her private inner thoughts is absolutely a terrible idea. It will only hurt her more.

You give this man way too much credit, and writing about him as though he's some kind of mastermind only serves to fuel the op's anxieties. He's nothing but a sad, insecure loser. He can only gaslight her if she allows it, and the same goes for him having "ammunition" against her. He doesn't have any. The longer the op lets him run roughshod over her, the worse she's going to feel, and for longer.

Giving her ex the opportunity to know her private inner thoughts is absolutely a terrible idea.

Letting him know she is well aware of his numerous affairs is not sharing her private inner thoughts. It's just a fact that for some reason the op has been swallowing.

I'm not sure why you're so invested in getting OP to tell her ex what she knows when she's made clear she doesn't feel safe or comfortable to do that. And people who have had similar experiences are agreeing it's not a good idea.

But saying he can only gaslight her if she "allows" it or that she's "letting" him ride roughshod over her is victim-blaming nonsense.

OP has chosen to keep her cards close to her chest for now. Maybe just respect that rather than pushing her to do something to create drama for your entertainment.

@taylorswift1989 is correct @Aquamarine1029

He does have ammunition. 22 years of knowing the OP. Knowing what hurts. And he’ll use that knowledge if he feels the gloves are off.

Until you’ve dealt with one of these types you aren’t prepared for it. OP won’t be able to calmly tell him she knows he’s lied about OW for years then walk away. They are in the same flat. He will be absolutely vile. When that venom comes from someone you love and thought loved you it’s truly dark and disturbing. OP already had one very dangerous situation with his anger flaring up.

OP knows him best. She will be instinctively choosing the right way to deal with him. Can’t wait for the absolute arsehole to be gone. Also I doubt he’s happy in reality. He’s making a show of it to hurt OP. For no reason whatsoever. She’s done nothing wrong.

I do worry that he could lose it one day and hurt OP and maybe OP should have moved out. But he’s away for a while now and hopefully that will reduce the anger and tension.

thanks all for your insights. I'm finding this discussion helpful - the different point of views reflect my inner monologue pretty accurately.

I'm so grateful for those who understand that dealing with a narcissist really is another level of mindfuc*ery. His coldness is hard to describe when the switch flips. He can be so void of empathy it feels like begging for humanity from a stone. Those coldness and emptiness can wipe me out emotionally, it is so hard to describe how destructive it feels.

For everyone saying to confront, to let him know he hasn't won, to level up and take back control: I would LOVE to. And I promise you I will, once the financial order is through. I under that this is an important milestone in my healing process. I will not give what will be a very short moment of truth before he dismisses it as 'not important' or 'never happened' away without an audience. I will not waste it on telling him, for him to laugh in my face and walk away. a pp suggested to send the truth in an email to an important person for both of us with him cc-ed. this could be an option. If I decide to confront in person, I'd also want to be further along in my healing process. I don't want to cry or fall apart when I tell him. I want to stay in control. without being able to access any anger, this is impossible. I either need to find some anger or distance to create a confrontation that feels like a 'gotcha' moment.

whatever your advice, I find it helpful to read. Thanks for coming back with your advice, even though my updates are mostly same and sad. I'm drawing a lot of clarity from reading what people think of the situation.

How are you getting on @Whatachliche

Yes, I hope you're okay.

thanks for checking on me. a month ago I was so down I was seriously struggling, I wasn't able to reach out for help. I was in a dark scary place. It felt like I will never get out of this horrific state of mind. I then took myself away to a place I love travelling to, despite it being an expense that really wasn't in budget but it did more for me than all the therapy I recently tried. Lots of exercise and great people around me. That week of being away gave me new strength. I am tackling paperwork and administrative tasks for both the divorce as well as the steps to buy him out of the flat. This is what the rabbit eagle dynamic was always about - keeping my eye on the thing important to me and focusing on that. I really hope it all works out. Overall I am trying low contact but I am guilty of sometimes talking to him for organisational things and feeling sad and unsettled after. I stopped reading their messages and the OW is less important now. I just want my peace. I still am not angry and I think I might never be.

I'm happy to hear you're doing so well OP. It will get easier. Maybe the anger will come at some point - just take care not to deny it, lest it turn to depression. Or maybe it's already left your body and you don't need it for what you have to do. Either way, it sounds like you've found your inner strength. That's a great update!

It's great that you found your own sanctuary OP. You have already come such a long way. 2 years from now this will all be old history

Well done, OP.

You are unbelievably strong and smart, and I think you're going to come out of this and just fly, like that eagle.

Keep on keeping on xx

Another one wishing you well. Hoping it won't be too long now when you can finally write the 'Eagle has landed' post and relax properly in your own skin and home. So glad you got time away at a meaningful place and you have trusted people around. As Bovrilla says, Keep on keeping on...

Another person cheering you on! just think every day you are closer to freedom💐

Oh wow @Whatachliche that's such a good update.

You're finding yourself at last, underneath the sadness. You're really getting stronger.

I'm so glad to see this.

@Whatachliche

I think you are doing very well!! Upwards and onwards always. It's pretty normal to slide back into things (like talking to him) but you're realizing that you're doing it and that's great!

I do believe that each of us has a 'heart home' that isn't always where we live. It's the place where we feel the biggest sense of calm and 'letting go'. Mine is the ocean, DH's is the mountains. So we live halfway between lol. I'm glad you've found yours.

Well done @Whatachliche
You say you felt unable to reach out but then you did reach for something, you took yourself off to a place and situation where you were healed & uplifted.
Surely that means you have good instincts and you can steer your own ship!

I then took myself away to a place I love travelling to, despite it being an expense that really wasn't in budget but it did more for me than all the therapy I recently tried.

Sometimes that's an essential spend, as much as food or clothes. Glad you went on holiday and that it's worked.

Take care