Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

This - I'd definitely consider alternatives. Honestly @Whatachliche, it's just causing you more and more heartache and stress. Isn't it easier to just put it on the market?

The longer you leave telling him you know, the more likely he is to feel justified, because it's weeks / months after your relationship finished in his eyes (nonsense, but we know this!)

Honestly, you've been a saint - but for your own sake I'd be tempted to just end it all now - maybe even move out if he won't? You'll still get what you're entitled to.

If you are buying him out I don't understand why you have to wait?
Or is it tax related? (Or God forbid you buy him out , then you get divorced & he claims half.)
Aren't financial agreements independent of the "divorce" ?

Hi @Whatachliche just wondering how you are.
I've been thinking of you and hoping things aren't too bad.

thanks for checking @TheShellBeach

He has moved out to a friend's house for a month. A welcome break from all the drama. yet the void allows me to feel all the sadness. I still don't feel any anger, just numb and sad.

Is the friend yet another OW?

@Whatachliche sorry for what you are going through. I have absolutely no idea why you haven’t confronted him about the cheating though? Sorry if I have missed some parts as it’s a long thread and I’ve only just seen it, but from what I can tell this man have cheated on you several times, had a long affair, left you for another woman, but has still been living with you thinking he’s got away with it whilst you have been quietly dwelling on what you know? From what I can see, all you are doing is hurting yourself here, are you in a little denial maybe and thinking if you don’t confront him then it’s not real? I genuinely don’t get why women do this and keep affairs to themselves it seems quite common. But all it does is mean you come to “normalise” things in your head and by the time it’s come out, they don’t care you know, you have learnt to accept it more, and they have basically got away with it. Shame, because the biggest impact to him would have been for you to confront him as soon as you found out, the longer this goes on he really won’t care what you know.

I am really really hoping the OW has cold feet and he’s sleeping on the grotty sofa of a socially inadequate and questionably hygienic bachelor friend.

(I am feeling the anger for you, @Whatachliche , while you take a break to process the sadness)

@Tinderella24 the H is a full blown Narcissist, the op is treading strategically in order to get the best outcome financially and housing wise for herself.

OP could you offer to buy him out prior to the divorce? As part of mine I did this and my ex had to confirm he no longer had any financial interest in the property. He wanted to buy somewhere else so this really helped his motivation! That was then noted in my financial settlement regarding the family home already being in my name alone and he'd received his share. Obviously only do this on advice from your solicitor.

@Whatachliche

Well, I'm glad you're getting a break from him. Hopefully he'll enjoy his 'freedom' enough that he won't want to come back.

You'll find your anger. And being on your own at this time may be the right time to work on that, perhaps with the help of a counselor. And also a good time to have an 'update session' with the solicitor and taking any legal action they recommend now that he's out of the house. Also may be a good time to get the flat professionally valued. Not for selling, but for future settlement/buyout.

If you're still in communication with the arsehole, I'd think about going NC, at least whilst he's out of the house.

Thanks for the advice, I will ask my solicitor to change the wording in the financial order so I can buy him out earlier than after the divorce is final.

To those who keep asking why I don't tell him:

• he is a narcissist (I think) and he is extremely cruel when challenged. Even with all the proof of his affair he will either deny or laugh in my face telling me how great the OW is. I can't cope with either.

Emotionally I'm spiralling downwards. I'm going over and over and over everything. I would have preferred to stay with a narcissist and feel secure. I would have chosen him over a scary new start. I thought the therapy would fix us. I projected my own loyalty that I felt towards us as a couple onto him. We were "THE" couple for many years, a lot of our friends quote our relationship and life as couple goals. I always thought any problem we had in our relationship could be fixed within the relationship, nothing felt too big an issue to break away from the unit we were. The longer I don’t see him, the less I can remember his narcissistic traits.
He has gotten rid of the other 2 OW, he is now focussing on the main one. This hurts as she seems so important now. They text each other every day hundreds of messages, phone calls and pictures. He couldn't hide his giddiness and happiness before he moved out. He seems so happy and at peace. I'm devastated and destroyed. If he is so happy and I'm so sad, I must have been an awful spouse. If he is so happy now, life with me must have been hell. I can't get over this feeling. Even worse, I still can’t find my anger. I have no anger. Zero. nothing. just sadness. I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm seeing a therapist and she is trying to get me to feel some anger but there is none. I'm not getting better, I'm spiralling downwards. I have exhausted my friends, my therapist can't say anything to help me. it is getting darker instead of lighter.

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish I could take you out for a coffee and give you a sympathetic ear and a hug. Offload on here, you have many people thinking of you and rooting for you.
I have found The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle and Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffers very helpful when dealing with what seems like a hopeless situation.
Sending you flowers and strength

Your grieving the loss of your relationship and the loss of the life you thought you had. It's OK to feel sad. The first year after my break up was an emotional rollercoaster. I had days were I felt great and then out of nowhere something small would happen and I'd be in tears and down for days. But it does get better it just takes time.

Unfortunately I think the fact that you are still living with him is only making things worse for you and holding you back from moving on. I couldn't start moving on until my ex moved out 3 months after we broke up. I know why your doing it but I can't help but feel your mental health is worth more than a flat. There must be another one you could buy. I know he's gone for a month now so hopefully he doesn't come back.

Op sadness is this situation is a normal response, you are grieving. There is nothing wrong with you. You haven't failed at anything you have been loyal and loving and 100 percent all in. None of this is because of something you haven't done.

He has been at best 20 percent in any of his relationships. He can't be successfully with anyone and he will have to deal with that. What he is looking for is something that is lacking in himself. Dopamine and cheap thrills will only last so long.

He can't be happy, his actions are not those of a happy person - he seems to be in self destruct, middle life crisis mode. And oh what a prize he is.

If you met him in the street what would you think of him? You would probably think he was a misogynistic bore and a bit of a cliche. I'm sure you're not drawn to pathological liars usually.

Counselling will help you realise your worth and the potential you have to have a happy future without ex. Imagine the future you want for yourself - it is yours OP

You are assuming so much which is out the f your control. You can't assume he is having the life of Riley and even if he is you can't assume it will be like that forever. You can't assume he had the worst time with you, he might at one point, but at others you were the one he focused on, you were the golden couple etc.

But what you can control is your next steps towards a new future. Change is never easy because we naturally align to what we are used too, but what we are used to is not always the best for us.

I think for now you need to focus on small changes, if you are keeping the home, focus on redecorating a room ( even if for now it can't go past the planning stage) focus on a new book, focus on a new recipe you are going to cook or a new film you want to watch. Do everything you can to live in the present. Because your mind currently is grieving a loss, has rose tinted glasses on about how it was, which really wasn't a reflection of how it truly was.

He wasn't right for you, because of how he treated you. His happiness is nothing to you now, it really doesn't matter how happy or unhappy he is because he's not in your life. And even if it did matter can a narcissist ever be truly happy? Maybe but only at the expense of someone else's happiness. They take, take, drain you of all good energy. But that's his problem not yours. Your life has now turned to the next chapter and like with anything in life you are going to have highs and lows- but you have given yourself a chance to grasp at happiness- like love and hate happiness and sadness are so linked together. You will find happiness again. But try not to dwell on the past, it really wasn't your happy place. X

He seems so happy and at peace. I'm devastated and destroyed. If he is so happy and I'm so sad, I must have been an awful spouse. If he is so happy now, life with me must have been hell

No, not at all!

Narcissists and psychopaths get bored easily, irregardless of the scenario.

That's why they have so many affairs. It's got nothing to do with you and your own very positive qualities.

It's all to do with his inability to stick to one relationship.

You said that there's been a lot of OW. He may have settled for one at the moment, but she won't satisfy him for long. He'll cheat on her, too.

Please don't perceive yourself as having failed @Whatachliche

He's the one who couldn't stay faithful. He's the failure, not you.

Thank you for the update.

As the thread binding you together gets thinner and thinner, it's getting harder for you to hold onto this connection and your efforts to do so are costing you a lot emotionally and mentally.

Your head is telling you that the relationship is over, but you need to start letting go now, for your own sake. It seems to me that you know he's going, but you're expecting to live "without him". You need to start making plans to "live" full stop. Even if you cannot take pleasure yet at the prospect of doing your own thing, you are going to get a lot of joy in the future, as you rediscover yourself. Your self-esteem will improve once this man is out of your life for good.

You sound really flat. I think you could make a GP appointment?

I can't add anything to what the previous posters have said.
I had an uncle who had many OW's eventually leaving my Aunt for one, whom he tired of after a couple of years. Long story short he died on his own a lonely old man, his ex wife met someone else about 5 years after Uncle left, she, happily is still with us.
I tell you this as I recall how much she suffered with how she felt that she had been tossed aside, and how sad and unhappy she was. You cannot blame yourself for his behaviour, mourn the loss of your relationship, but look to the future you are in charge of it, not him, I doubt he will have much of one.
Hang on in there, we are all rooting for you x

@Whatachliche

I think a lot of your feelings of sadness and 'hopelessness' is because you haven't confronted him about his cheating and abuse. I understand why you don't want to, but instead of being able to vent your sadness and feelings of betrayal on him where it belongs and thus empty your heart of those words and feelings, you are keeping it bottled up inside. You're so full of sadness and betrayal that there is really nowhere for the anger to grow and 'be' inside of you. But I do know that the way you're living (emotionally) now is no way to live.

Again, I understand why you're doing what you're doing, although I admit I don't agree with it. I tend to be the 'let it all out and the devil take the hindmost' sort. But I think it may be time to 'rethink'. IMHO, I think that you feel you're avoiding some type of catastrophe or that he'll turn nasty when it comes to the financials. But I think you need to realize that you're only putting off the inevitable. He's going to turn nasty and vindictive whether you're asking for £million or 1p. In his mind you deserve nothing because you've 'spoilt' his nice comfy deceptive life. Plus he'll be looking to 'set up' his new life with OW and will need 'all HIS money' to do that.

Continue to speak to your counselor. Tell them what I've said, see if it rings true to them. Speak to the attorney. As them if they think that if you 'play nice' now it means he'll 'play nice' come settlement time. They have the experience to tell you how it usually plays out.

And finally, you are so miserable now. Wouldn't it be better to give up what you want and find a new dream so you can end things sooner? I don't mean 'give up' as in give him everything, I mean 'give up' as far as what you're wanting to end up with when it's all over. Chances are you won't end up with everything you want anyway. In a divorce, most people never do.

@Whatachliche Im so sorry things are feeling so very awful. I won't say anything about how you're handling it as I think you're dealing with it the only way you feel able to.
I think from what you've said, your mood has dipped significantly and you sound depressed, and understandably so, have you considered speaking to your doctor, it does sound like you need some support to help lift your mood and enable better sleep.

Last of all, be kind to yourself. It's so easy to castigate yourself when in a situation like this, but know that you haven't made him behave or do any of this, it was his choice, he sounds like a very selfish entitled and weak excuse for a human being, you on the other hand sound lovely, caring and intelligent. Know your own worth and be kind to yourself x

I do agree with this.
I think you would be taking back control.
He's having everything his way and smugly getting away with it.
I'm angry with him on your behalf 😤

I'm quite worried that my sadness and feeling of being emotionally destroyed will get even worse if I confront him and he shows zero remorse or care. His most likely reaction is to be completely cold and to tell me he is much happier now. I spent 22 years with him, I have seen him shutting down into an emotion-free person before. I can't see how a confrontation like that will help me?

I'm not sure how it can be any worse than it already is OP. Unless he physically hurts you. None of this is going to magically disappear, even if you deny it or never speak of it. If he came home tomorrow and pretended none of it happened you would still not have the marriage you imagined you had.

Poison like this doesn't just go away. Much better to look out for yourself and start to heel. You are stronger than you think.

You are right OP.

To those saying he’s having everything his own way: - when you’re dealing with a narcissist it’s best to let them think they are ‘winning’ if you can’t go NC which is the case here. Confronting narcissists with their lies doesn’t shame them in a normal way, it angers them and makes them incredibly vicious.

You get no ‘gotchas’ - they don’t care. At the moment he thinks he’s being clever and getting away with something and that’s keeping him almost civil.

Hopefully you can get the finances settled before the divorce, get him out, and start to rebuild. I’m glad you have some time without him now. Keep planning things to get you out of the house when he’s back. If you think you’ve exhausted friends’ patience for a while, use this forum for support. It will get better. But I know it feels really shit at the moment. Be kind to yourself.
💐

Why are you letting him destroy you emotionally?

He may tell you he is happier but he isn't really. It's all a face he puts on, hes shallow and a liar.

You sound depressed.

Tell him what you know, show him what you've seen. Holding out gives you no advantage at all, it's destroying you and eating you. At this point you cannot salvage anything, yes its sad however you need to be strong and tell him straight. Stop letting him fuck you over. Make decisions for you to move on.

Move on from buying the flat, it would be a sad reminder of what you had.

Move out for the time being if you can, don't let him come and go and mess with your head.