Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

I absolutely agree with not telling him that you know, because it could make things much worse, I think. He could believe that if the games up, he doesn't need to pretend any more and might as well move one of these women in with him 😵Your current approach is the least painful one for you in my opinion.

His family already knows, though.
It isn't going to be news to them.

OP must be feeling unbelievably let down by them.

@Whatachliche Just caught up with your thread. My 'DP' argues in the same way yours does. It's exhausting and soul destroying trying to have a discussion with a person who approaches them in this way so I completely empathise and understand why you are going along as you are.

This. plus what @Catoo and @Tunnelight said.

As pp said it may well be satisfying to tell him that you know and will tell everyone, for a brief spell, but his family already know, so there's no big reveal for him to be concerned about there and his reaction will probably be nasty and that gloves are off.

I think that you are following a strategy of managing him in a way that works for you and whilst at times you must want to scream, there is a satisfaction to be had in knowing that your replies and attitude towards him is a clearly thought out strategy to get towards your goal which is, if possible, get him out and buy the flat if you can.

I think your reward will be when this is accomplished and then you can fire all those suppressed comments back which will have quite a good shock value. He thinks he's really clever and in control and I suspect this might make him feel really out maneuvered when he realises that you were managing him in this situation all along. He's an absolute rotter and he will deserve it for the recent raging at you alone.

I very much doubt his family know the depth of his debauchery.
Just the sham of lis

it's utterly exhausting and I found some articles that label it as verbal abuse of a narcissist and call the communication pattern "crazy making cycles" - worth a google and a read...

I've done a lot of reading and understand now that he is a covert narcissist and I have been psychologically and verbally abused by him for years.

yet, I'm still sad about him abandoning me. I don't understand myself. WHY can't I detach?

Now you understand it is abuse so you can start healing yourself. There is counselling on offer. The best place to start is with your GP

This takes time, OP. It will be really hard while you are still sharing space with him.

Firstly, you love him. Well, you love the person you thought he was. Love usually doesn't just die straightaway. You grieve and work through it. But it's way more complex, because you're grieving something that was never real. You've not only lost your partner and friend, you've lost the future you thought you had and you've lost the past. It's a lot to work through.

Over the years, you've trained yourself and been trained to prioritise his needs and feelings over yours. You've been in a relationship where by putting your own needs aside, you can please your partner and keep him with you. It's hard to break that pattern. It feels scary. When you are still in that psychological mindset, you still feel attached to your partner because you are still doing the thing that bonded you for all those years.

Trauma bonding is real. You have something like stockholm syndrome. A part of your self-worth rests upon his validation of you. Again, this is so complex and deep to work through.

A good therapist, who is experienced in this kind of partner abuse, will be able to help you work through all this. In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself of the reality, the cold hard facts. What he's done, who he really is. You do not want this person in your life anymore. You can't put yourself through that. I suggest writing everything down, a list of everything he's done that's hurt you or caused damage. Read it over and over. Write down quotes of things he's said. It will help you to stay in your frame and not get drawn back into his.

Journalling may really help as well - writing out everything you're thinking and feeling. Just make sure he does not find it!

Yet, I'm still sad about him abandoning me. I don't understand myself. WHY can't I detach?

Because you loved him for many years and it's hard to let go of the man you believed he was, of the man you fell in love with.

It's also hard to let yourself understand how badly you've been treated over the years.

Yes, it's very hard to reconcile the good man he seemed to be, with the bad man he actually is.

You'll get there, I promise.

@Whatachliche

What @TheShellBeach said. But remember that you can and you are still healing, even through the sadness. Every day is a step forward, even if it doesn't feel like it.

The feelings come in waves, denial, sadness, hopefulness - it's quite exhausting and every day I feel completely different, this is not a linear journey, isn't it. Sunday and Monday were so hard. Today I feel ready for a new chapter.

He now has left the flat for a few days (for 'work'), I'm sure to be with one of the OW. I feel so much lighter alone in the flat. I'm listening to lots of podcasts about cheating and narcissistic behaviour and it is an amazing tool to understand that there is nothing I could have done to prevent his abuse or cheating.
also finding the audiobook 'leave a cheater, gain a life' a resource I'm turning to again and again.

Stalling is unfortunately normal. At some point you will bite the bullet, & the purgatory will be over.
The peace you feel when he's away will be daily once he's out.

@Whatachliche how are you doing?

Quite exhausted. mentally, emotionally...

he keeps 'moving out' for days or weeks = trips with OW1. and then returns, big statements about the flat belonging to him too, reminding me that legally he has every right to being the flat.

I worked out, only when I appeal to his 'superiority' 🤮 to give me some time to process things he removes himself again for a few days. his attitude: look what I'm doing FOR YOUUU I'm giving you space, only to return after two weeks or so.

Otherwise I notice that my nervous system generally is more at peace without him here.
some things that would just stress me and unsettle me, which I notice strongly now that they are removed:

• constant disruptions, he is not able to let me speak without cutting me off
• constant changing narratives, like this recent example: he went to city A, when I say he was seen in city B, that was because he had a spontaneously a business opportunity there...how did you pay for the stay there? apparently, the bussiness opportunity came with all expenses paid (of course) 🤔
• refuses to just leave me be. constantly finding a reason why 'we need to talk' and go over things that can be an email.
• fundamental refusal to accept any fact that I have researched...it says so on the gov website, but sure, I must be wrong.

just an overview of all the flavours of sh*t I have been accepting like a grade A idiot.

Perhaps you could express how if he stayed with a "friend" for a while he would feel more at peace with situation and how it wouldn't affect his rights to the flat.

Are you any closer with having the funding to buy him out or getting it on the market?

Hmm having read through this whole thread, it does seem like you've become co dependent on each other and that's why this isn't coming to its inevitable end. He wants to go, but isn't. You want him gone, but won't. You're feeding each other off the tension, the drama, the narcissism. I get it - I was in abusive and cheating relationships myself in the past and I know you have to be tactical confronting people like that but the reality is if you wanted it all over, you could.

Are you still sleeping with him OP, even on rare occasion?

What is the barrier to this ending? Why won’t he just fuck off and you can sell the flat and make a clean break? I can’t see how this will ever end at this rate. He’s having his cake and eating it, at the expense of your sanity.

why don't you tell him to fuck off, the ending is whatever you choose. why are you still pandering to him by not saying you know he's with multiple OW, just tell him you know. he can kick off as much as he wants but legally he's only entitled to what he's entitled to. you staying silent isn't going to change anything. JUST TELL HIM TO FK OFF.

he is legally entitled to stay in the flat. He is aware of this and is quoting the law every time I try to get him out.
Telling him to fuck off usually result in him laughing in my face as he knows I can't make him move out. It's not like he is reasonable or wanting to make my life any easier.

I'm going to buy him out if the flat but this will needs to happen after the divorce, which is at least 5 -7 month away from being finalised.

I get it. You can't make him leave and he knows it. He also knows that he can come and go as he pleases and there's nothing you can do about that, either. OK, it is what it is. In these situations all you can control is yourself. It's hard but it can be done. Fake it til you make it.

As hard as it is, you have got to learn to ignore him. Treat the times he's gone as simply a relief from his presence and nothing more. Stop thinking about who he's with and what they're doing. There is nothing you can do about it.

When he gets back, ignore him. Say nothing. If he says "We need to talk" say "No, we don't" and walk away. He's doing it to get a rise out of you. Or to 'test out' where your head is at, and he doesn't need to know that. You shouldn't want him to know that. And stop trying to get him out, it's futile and you know it. Quit torturing yourself with the attempts. Grit your teeth and walk away. Find things to do that take you out of the flat when he's there.

Concentrate instead on the things you will gain once it's over. You listed them in your post at 11.53. Write them down on a piece of paper, fold it up small, and carry it with you. When you find yourself 'drowning' in negativity, touch that paper. Take it out and read it. Let it serve as your 'touchstone' for the future.

As far as buying him out after the divorce, I know I come from a US perspective but won't 'who gets the flat' be decided as part of the divorce settlement, prior to the final decree? It normally is here unless the divorce is bifurcated.

Hi OP, I am sure 5-7 months feel like torture, but you have many friends on here who are cheering you.
I was reading your original posts, you mention that he was maybe feeling "guilty". Is this is something you could employ to your advantage? Let him know how heartbroken you are, that you know it's over but you thought you would grow old together. His ego will lap it up and you can use it to negotiate him out of the flat?
Let him believe you are a vulnerable woman broken by his leaving and once you have what you want, you can (metaphorically) kick him in his lying narcissistic balls.
You can survive this and come out stronger!!

OP, I have been reading your posts for a while. You seem very down this week and also a bit lost, which I find worrying. You are getting lots of great advice on here and support, but do you have a tangible person you can go to, even just for a rant or a cuddle? If you start to struggle mentally, you must see your GP.

You are showing great fortitude, but I feel you need some respite from the situation. I know it's difficult to go on holiday as your husband will probably bring OW round, but next time he goes away for work, is there any chance you could take advantage and book yourself a couple of nights on a city break without telling him?

You're still pouring love into this excuse of a husband, which is understandable, but damaging for you. You had better not be sleeping with him, like a PP asked. Do you have any pets? I think a dog would be great for you, it would give you something more worthy of your love, give you an excuse to leave the flat and will be a loyal companion for you in the future.

Is it time to consider alternatives?

What if he drags this all out for years, refuses to agree a price to sell the flat to you? Then frustrates sale on the open market.

I'm thinking in terms of mental health?