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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Catoo · 11/04/2024 11:40

Whatachliche · 11/04/2024 08:47

I'm reflecting more about why I'm not confronting him with his cheating, and I realised that he will deny deny deny, reverse and blame me. and I feel I am not strong enough for his refusal to admit what he is doing. But I'm also thinking it might be worth trying to out him and try to use it to leave the house...

Yes 100% he’ll be horrible if you do this. He’ll be saying it’s your fault he goes elsewhere etc.

And what would be the point in making the atmosphere even worse? It isn’t as if you want to reconcile. So his infidelity isn’t really the issue now. He probably knows you know on some level anyway. Also he clearly can’t move out to live with OW or he would have done so by now so he is still unlikely to leave even if you tell him you know.

I don’t think I’d move out of my home either. I’d spend as much time out and about as possible but would worry that he would make selling difficult if he had the place to himself. Is it on the market yet? Are you closer to working out if you can offer to buy him out?

💐

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2024 14:38

Whatachliche · 11/04/2024 08:47

I'm reflecting more about why I'm not confronting him with his cheating, and I realised that he will deny deny deny, reverse and blame me. and I feel I am not strong enough for his refusal to admit what he is doing. But I'm also thinking it might be worth trying to out him and try to use it to leave the house...

I think you need to think carefully about this. I understand your impulse, but you're crediting him with feelings he doesn't have. Do you really think it'd make him leave the house? I certainly don't. He's comfortable there and is coming and going as he pleases. IMHO all it would do would be to make him feel free to carry on openly. It also may make him think that it'll make you so miserable that you leave.

Remember that cheating no longer turns the cheaters into social pariahs. That divorce is now 'no fault' so cheating has no effect on the divorce itself. That it won't affect his job in any way, unless he's clergy or something. And maybe not even then. And that he's a bloody bastard who doesn't care about anything but his own dick.

Unless you're willing to see him live his bachelor life openly, unless you're willing for him to be openly ugly and nasty (or uglier and nastier) to you then you may as well leave things be and concentrate on the legalities. TBH the element of surprise may be less than you realize when you do tell him you know, but at this point you do at least have it.

As Dory says "Just keep swimming".

Southern68 · 11/04/2024 14:47

would refuse to engage at all. Every word out of his mouth is a lie, and so disrespectful of you. If he starts being nasty, and verbally mentally or even a hint of physical violence, then call the police and ask them to remove him as you feel unsafe.

Cathbrownlow · 11/04/2024 15:11

I agree with @Southern68 there is no point in engaging with him at all. What would you hope you achieve? He is lost in his own reality. You will thank yourself in years to come that you kept your dignity.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 13/04/2024 11:06

Cathbrownlow · 11/04/2024 15:11

I agree with @Southern68 there is no point in engaging with him at all. What would you hope you achieve? He is lost in his own reality. You will thank yourself in years to come that you kept your dignity.

I need to agree a financial settlement with him. First I was thinking 50/50 because
he always used to claim he makes very little money.
and secondly this way it will be a quick, clean nearly solicitor free divorce. I know he has debt. He is SE therefore no payslips and everything is movable and hide-able. BUT he had a severe change in income the last 2 years and is making much more than me. how to approach?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/04/2024 11:24

50:50 and he pays all costs as that is an incentive for it to be done more quickly.

You can do the "you earn so much more than me now and you want us to split and I don't want at to have to go down the forensic accountant route" how about 50:50 and as we can agree this between ourselves and keep costs down you pay all the costs as you earn more.

RandomMess · 13/04/2024 11:25

Even if you end up split the costs 50:50 it raises the whole issue that if he fights it he will end up spending more.

taylorswift1989 · 13/04/2024 11:50

Omg OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but impressed by your ability to keep your head. Eagle/bunny is a great perspective to hold on to.

I'm rooting for you to win everything you want. Your flat, and a fair split of the money. Your solicitor is best placed to advise you about that, but we are definitely here to support you!

Original poster
Whatachliche · 13/04/2024 12:45

RandomMess · 13/04/2024 11:24

50:50 and he pays all costs as that is an incentive for it to be done more quickly.

You can do the "you earn so much more than me now and you want us to split and I don't want at to have to go down the forensic accountant route" how about 50:50 and as we can agree this between ourselves and keep costs down you pay all the costs as you earn more.

I have a niggling feeling that 50:50 could be really unfair, I assume based on his recent expenses and lifestyle he makes 4x what i earn... but it is a risk, going down the forensic accountant route will cost a bomb. he might nit make that much and there might be a lot of debt. it's like playing roulette

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/04/2024 12:56

I think you need to prioritise knowing what you know now extracting enough to buy him out and quickly before it gets ugly could be worth it.

As he's SE he can do a lot to hide stuff, be paid in dividends etc.

It's tricky he can state that the debt gets included in splitting the marital assets.

Keep Eagle.

BronteSistersFan · 13/04/2024 13:03

I would suggest you get independent financial advice so you get what is fair. 50/50 isn’t a thing. In law you will get what is fair which means depending on your own circumstances and finances could mean you get more than 50% (likewise it could be less or 50%). What does your solicitor say?

Mix56 · 13/04/2024 13:44

He will hide assets, infact the current limbo may be him tiding his time while he sorts out falsifies his paperwork.
You know he will cheat & lie...I mean its ALL about his lying & cheating.
I'd say 50/50 & he pays any fees, considering he has orchestrated this shit show.
Obviously you do not accept any part of his debt.
This, to get rid of him as fast as possible

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2024 14:36

@Whatachliche

I agree with @Mix56 as far as him hiding assets. And it wouldn't surprise me if he hasn't already sought legal advice about working things to his best advantage. He may be many things, but I expect that stupid isn't one of them when it comes to self interest. And I'm sure he has at least one of his OW egging him on, thinking that she'll benefit financially in the long run. More fool her.

I guess the whole thing comes down to "How badly do you need this to be over?". Because it's not only your future financial situation (which of course is very important) but also your own mental health and well being.

My BFF wanted out so badly that she walked out of a jointly owned home (which was lost to foreclosure when he refused to pay the mortgage) and left behind valuable household possessions. She took half of their joint account and that was it, not that they or he had massive assets. She could have stayed and fought it out with him but she said it just wasn't worth what it was doing to her MH. He was 'beating her down' verbally and emotionally until she was a shell of herself and she knew he'd keep it up until he destroyed her.

She built a new life eventually and was happy again. It probably took her longer and perhaps it wasn't as 'upscale' a life as she could have had but she felt it was worth the cost to be free.

Daftapath · 13/04/2024 17:44

Have you both completed Form E? As a first step, this will at least show you what he is willing to admit to, finance wise, and is a good start for looking to see whether he has tried to hide anything.

As part of my full financial disclosure, I also had to give a years worth of bank accounts (savings and current) and my xh also asked for credit card bills because he didn't believe that I didn't have more money than I had!

If you get bank statements, you can at least look for any transfers and to what accounts money has been sent.

I would also be looking online at his business accounts which you can see through companies house for free. This should give you an idea of how his company is doing.

I would then be looking at using his company to use as a bargaining tool to get more interest in the flat ie you can keep full interest in the company if I can get the property.

Until you have full financial disclosure, you won't know what 50:50 looks like and you can not negotiate.

Also, with regard to counselling, don't forget that whatever you spend now will essentially be half paid for by him (assuming you do get 50:50). Once you have agreed a settlement, you will foot the whole bill!

Franwith2and1 · 13/04/2024 19:07

But you get to see the last 12 months bank statements so surely he can’t hide anything now,
all his business and savings accounts etc form e where he has to declare his income

Original poster
Whatachliche · 14/04/2024 00:04

Right, will get back to my solicitor regarding all the forms and financial declarations.

his mask is slipping, today he threw unbridled rage at me for no apparent reason.

OP posts:
Catoo · 14/04/2024 00:26

Whatachliche · 14/04/2024 00:04

Right, will get back to my solicitor regarding all the forms and financial declarations.

his mask is slipping, today he threw unbridled rage at me for no apparent reason.

Sorry to hear that OP.
Are you safe do you think?
💐

TheShellBeach · 14/04/2024 00:33

Are you afraid of him now?

WhatShallIdo11 · 14/04/2024 00:37

A very similar thing happened to me - my ex suddenly said that he wanted a divorce as he thought he had a terminal illness and wanted to do his own thing - what a load of crap - turned out he was having an affair with a mutual friend who came to our wedding. He was terrible with money and I'd bailed him out twice previously. A few weeks before him saying he wanted a divorce, I found out he was heavily in debt again - still have no idea why - I refused to help him again. The house was mine before we met but as we were married, he was entitled to 50%. Managed to negotiate to 60/40 split as he was in desperate need of money - he got a 6 figure sum. He would not move out so we spent a miserable few months in the house. It was worth it to me to sell the house and downsize just to be done with him. After a couple of months, whilst still living under the same roof I hit OLD - met a nice man and started to stay over - that didn't go down to well with ex. It lasted 4 years and we are still friends. The best revenge is to be happy. That was over 8 years ago - I'm now retired and comfortable financially which I would had been if we'd stayed together. Every cloud etc. Stay strong OP - you can do this and come out the other side - it's tough I know but you have done brilliantly up to now and are one dignified lady x

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2024 00:46

Whatachliche · 14/04/2024 00:04

Right, will get back to my solicitor regarding all the forms and financial declarations.

his mask is slipping, today he threw unbridled rage at me for no apparent reason.

He's lost control and he knows it. The jig is up.

RandomMess · 14/04/2024 07:05

If he threatens/acts in a threatening way please call the police.

You may end up being able to get an occupation order if his behaviour deteriorates.

Are these rages a new thing or always occurred but you've tolerated them?

Easipeelerie · 14/04/2024 07:15

If his rage is dangerous, I’d call the police. Keep a diary record of any verbal or physical abuse.
When you say he got in a rage over nothing, what appeared to precipitate it? Or did it actually come out of nowhere?

Mix56 · 14/04/2024 08:37

Perhaps it was because you were grey rocking him ?
He is used to being top dog. It's frustrating when you dont get the response you want.
Maybe there was no shampoo left😂

taylorswift1989 · 14/04/2024 09:11

If he threatens you verbally or physically, please call the police, OP. There needs to be a record kept of his behaviour. The police may also be able to keep him away from the flat (not sure about this). You can also contact Women's Aid who will be able to give you advice.

RandomMess · 14/04/2024 09:17

Rights of Women can walk you through an occupation order and/or non-mol once you have police involvement.

I would speak to your local police domestic violence unit (may be called something different) explain he has ended the relationship but now you are divorcing his behaviour is escalating and you are concerned that his verbal abuse which rage is, may worsen and eventually become physical.