How long did it take you to see through his mind games and manipulation? Did you confront him when you left? or did you play it safe?
It was after a few months for me - the OD story came after my dh had threatened to contact his wife. (I’d ended things with dh but he was struggling to move on - so I’d told him I was seeing someone else)
He (narc) had told me he’d informed her he was moving out and had met someone else - then she suddenly had an overdose? It seemed too convenient. And why would she do that if they were only living as friends and she was seeing other people? He’d obviously invented the story to try and stop my dh from contacting her.
I was also uncomfortable with his love bombing of me and the speed at which he seemed to want things to move.
Id told him I was uncomfortable with the situation as he was still living with his DW and it felt off. I asked him for space - He then went into manipulation mode telling me I was his only friend and the only person he could talk to. I noticed when I tried to pull back he would try to make me feel sorry for him.
Then my dh met up with his DW (she actually contacted him) and the shit hit the fan basically. She knew nothing about me and had discovered his affair by hacking his phone messages.
My dh told her all the things he’d said to me about her and their relationship and she was aghast - none of it was true. He said she was in shock and physically shaking.
He (narc) even told me he was friendly with a local gangster who lived next door to him. Not true (I later realised he’d probably invented this story as protection should my dh go after him) It was like everything had been thought out by him beforehand.
He obviously wasn’t as clever as he thought though bc within months it was all crumbling down around him. I think his plan was just to carry on shagging both of us as long as possible. Another thing about them is that they are very shallow/materialistic- attracted to good looking people who are confident, together, successful, seem like they have money, well dressed etc. Because that’s who they want to be. They don’t go after losers iykwim. It’s almost like they’re jealous and want to try and get one over on you - they take pleasure in knowing they’re deceiving you.
At this point I just sent him a message telling him the game was up, I knew he was a pathological liar etc and blocked him. Even at the point he was begging his wife to stay with him (and threatening to kill himself) he was texting me telling me how in love with me he is, can he meet me tomorrow etc! He then messaged me on another number (after I’d told him he’d been exposed) to tell me he’d never loved me and “what WE did was disgusting”! Basically trying to take control of the situation and make out like I was as bad as him! No apology or acknowledgment of what he’d done and the lies he’d told. I realised at that point I’d never get any answers from him. I think they even convince themselves they haven’t done anything wrong.
His wife is the higher earner and he needs her to facilitate his lifestyle - she basically pays the rent after his business failed and ultimately I just realised what an absolute loser he is.
I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid. When you look at all the lies afterwards it sounds ludicrous and people will think “how could you fall for that?” But unless you’ve met someone with this personality disorder you will never understand how they work. It’s gradual and extremely subtle. They come across like that lovely bloke that everyone loves, everyone knows they can rely on - will do anything for anyone. The lies aren’t overt, they just slip them in in conversation so it isn’t obvious at all. It’s only afterwards you think “how the fuck could I have been so stupid”!
At the time I would’ve loved to confront him however I knew that ultimately there was no point. He’d just deny and lie some more. When I told him that his wife had told my dh the reality of the situation he just said that they were the ones who were lying to try and keep us apart!
I don’t know whether his DW has stayed with him or not but I sincerely hope she finds the strength to get out. I’ve a feeling that he will just turn himself into the victim though and manipulate her to stay.
Im pretty sure he will do it again though - he was far too smooth for it to have been a one off. And I think the empty pit in their soul means they will always be looking for the attention and validation to try and fill it. I reckon like your dh there were probably plenty of OW.
I don’t actually understand how they have time for it! He was meeting me during the day when he should’ve been working - no wonder his businesses keep going under!