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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can men not manage a condom any more?

141 replies

46isthisit · 10/02/2024 00:26

I have been single a while and every time I try to start a new sexual relationship sensibly after lots of conversation about safe sex etc they don’t seem to manage to maintain an erection with a condom. I’m so fed up and end up being made to feel I’m being a bit fussy and uptight. Any advice please?

OP posts:
acpk55 · 11/02/2024 09:26

Whenwasthis · 11/02/2024 09:03

ED abd Psychology is quite easy to research online.
A reliable site gave me this quote..
Like with physical ED, there’s no single psychological cause that can trigger erectile dysfunction in men. Instead, a variety of issues can all cause or contribute to psychological ED, such as:

  • Performance anxiety
  • General stress and anxiety
  • Relationship problems
  • Depression
  • Guilt and low self-esteem
  • Pornography use
  • there are a wide range and varied range of causes for ED, but your post seems to suggest it’s simply all in the mind - which is just not the case.

It can also be a side effect of some medicines.
If erectile dysfunction happens often, it may be caused by a condition such as:

nhs.uk

High cholesterol

Find out what cholesterol is, what causes high cholesterol, why it's important to keep your cholesterol levels under control, and how to lower your cholesterol.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/high-cholesterol/

dimllaishebiaith · 11/02/2024 09:37

acpk55 · 11/02/2024 09:21

And I feel exactly the same - you clearly cannot fathom the possibility of a range of research coming to different conclusions.

Oh no I fully understand that. I quoted for one study. You found another one, assumed I must have read that one and so told me I had understood it wrong.

I said no, it was a different study, why did you jump to the conclusion that that was the only possible one I could have read and that I must have misunderstood it, instead of just assuming that there might be more than one study out there

To which you demanded to know why I thought you were wrong, which I never said. And then said that the survey you quoted was from China about female condoms, as if that meant it was the only one possible.

But like I said I have no interest in engaging any more, I won't be responding to any more of your posts I don't have the patience for you this morning. If I thought you were interested in actually discussing research I would be happy to do so. If you had said "Oh that's interesting because I found a study that contradicts those findings" I would be happy to compare them. But you didn't so I am firmly out now.

Whenwasthis · 11/02/2024 09:43

At no point have I stated or implied that psychological causes are the only reason for the condition. To do so would be inaccurate. Of course there are also the reasons that you outline. However a link with psychological causes is well established and the effects of pornograohy on the brain ( where this discussion started) are also becoming more evident. Additional effects go beyond this to social as well as psychological consequences.

acpk55 · 11/02/2024 09:52

dimllaishebiaith · 11/02/2024 09:05

Erections for men aren't as reliable for them in their 50s as their 20s that's fair enough

What consistently gets talked about on the relationship board and in life by women though is how often those men in their 50s blame women, and condoms, but mostly women for any issues they have with getting or maintaining an erection. I mean not all men obviously, but nevertheless enough that its a well discussed topic

But women are more likely to suffer vaginal dryness as they get older. But when I see or hear conversations they talk openly about it being age and menopause and they don't go around blaming men (usually) for not getting them aroused enough, or not being in good enough shape to turn them on etc

Perhaps if men talked more openly about these issues, and didn't just start pointing the finger at women, we wouldnt jump to the conclusion it might be porn. But if men are just going to blame women then we don't really have much else to go on do we?

Again not all men but enough that it's a fairly regularly discussed topic...

I entirely agree with this ^^ men need to talk more openly about their own issues and not point the finger at women and blame condoms or drink or stress for any ED issues , it’s something men need to deal with themselves and not blame women.

but just take a look at your own comments

Erections for men aren't as reliable for them in their 50s as their 20s that's fair enough

and then.

But women are more likely to suffer vaginal dryness as they get older

You have so much more acceptance that sex for women changes as they age, but its almost begrudgingly that you accept that sex might change for men as they age and it feels like a common theme on this forum - just look at some of the language used up thread, I saw someone used the term “pathetic “ - not sure of the context, but m sure you would not call a woman pathetic if the said she has viginal dryness , but it seems be okay to call a man pathetic if get an erection ?

or maybe I’m just reading too much into the use of language

dimllaishebiaith · 11/02/2024 10:07

acpk55 · 11/02/2024 09:52

I entirely agree with this ^^ men need to talk more openly about their own issues and not point the finger at women and blame condoms or drink or stress for any ED issues , it’s something men need to deal with themselves and not blame women.

but just take a look at your own comments

Erections for men aren't as reliable for them in their 50s as their 20s that's fair enough

and then.

But women are more likely to suffer vaginal dryness as they get older

You have so much more acceptance that sex for women changes as they age, but its almost begrudgingly that you accept that sex might change for men as they age and it feels like a common theme on this forum - just look at some of the language used up thread, I saw someone used the term “pathetic “ - not sure of the context, but m sure you would not call a woman pathetic if the said she has viginal dryness , but it seems be okay to call a man pathetic if get an erection ?

or maybe I’m just reading too much into the use of language

The word pathetic is used in response to the senario where women are being expected to risk pregnancy and their sexual health because of men making them feel like its their fault

That behaviour is pathetic. No one was referencing the actual issues around ED or age related changes as being pathetic unless there is another post I haven't seen

rwalker · 11/02/2024 11:13

I think we’ve strayed from the original question
the difference off sensation with a condom is literally night and day compared without

lack off sensation means lack off stimulation
loose erection also the band across the bottom can dig in and be uncomfortable

EarthSight · 11/02/2024 11:34

If the men aren't showing an active interest in wearing a condom, particularly if it's a casual situation, that's a red flag. If they go as far as actually making you feel like you're being a bit fussy - DUMP. It's just a bad sign. Let them take their pouty-faced, entitled selves elsewhere. A lot of them will know they are taking the piss - it's the beginning of seeing how much they can get away with, how low they can go with you, how much they can make you feel bad for just having some basic standards. They don't plan to respect you OP, and personally, I'd rather be celibate and single than be with men like that.

A lot of men these days seem to have become incredibly entitled and complacent regarding their condom usage, in large part because they think that if the woman falls pregnant, then she can just get an abortion......right?? It's all very easy-breezy for them when it's someone else who had to go through that, someone else's body. And that's the physical aspects alone, not the emotional ones.

Yes, condoms aren't great for sensation, but there are differences between types. Some just don't want to even try different ones though - just write them all off and expect the women to take the pill.

However, please know that the pill, taken for a long period of time (such as 2 years) can cause the beginnings of vulval atrophy. It can seriously deaden sensation, to the point of destroying orgasm ability, and numb your emotions as well like some anti-depressants do. The increase in SHBG levels that goes with pill usage also lowers testosterone (not good for most women), and the hormone profile it leaves a woman with is not one that is natural or beneficial to her long term. Through the use of artificial hormones, it leaves the woman with a pregnancy hormone profile, all the time.

GPs don't tell you this when they breathlessly push hormonal contraception onto women.

SilverTay · 11/02/2024 11:47

I suspect even after he gets tested and try without a condom it will be the same result.

I would guess a health or a porn problem.

SilverTay · 11/02/2024 11:57

EBearhug · 10/02/2024 11:59

By the time you're 40, things aren't on a hair trigger so much. I need hands on junk these days before I get hard, whereas before I could start playing with DP and the erection would sort itself out.

That's your experience. I can assure you that not all men need hands on. They may not last quite as long in their 50s as in their 20s, and they do need more recovery time, but the men who keep themselves fit still get there with no help, and some are very good at keeping going. The ones who suffer ED and need pills tend to be less fit, more overweight, and often have other medical issues. Some of them have decent personalities as well...

Absolutely agree! I have a 60 year old FWB who can still manage 3 times a night!

He's mega fit. Has never smoked and rarely drinks!

Last year had a BF who managed 3 times a day during a week's holiday. He was 55. He was a very fit runner. I dumped him after 6 months because of something else, I regret it every day ;)

Hahaha.

Currently dating 48 year old who made the same condom excuse. Suspect he has ED. We're waiting for test results then will try without a condom. Sadly if he can't perform he's gone.

Would be different if he was a long term partner but I'm not willing to risk being stuck with someone new who won't admit to having a problem and see a doctor.

Life it too short for shit sex.

EBearhug · 11/02/2024 11:58

the only issue I see really is reading this thread, some people seem to think that a 50 year old should still be able to perform in the same way as 20yr old , I would like to think that is more about quality then quantity these days, but that’s down to my partner to answer really

Men in their 50s can be amazing in bed - they have decades of experience, unlike those in their 20s. There are those who are on OLD basically to find a human body to use for a wank, and some have ED - and Viagra doesn't always completely fix it. But other men delight in giving a woman pleasure, have refined their techniques over the years, know it's not all about PiV and still gave a good strong erection. They are out there.

I'm having the best sex of my life at 51. And a lot of it. Quality and quantity. If you're looking for a new partner and sex is important t (it isn't to everyone, and that's fine too,) don't put up with the rubbish men who don't take responsibility for talking about contraception, STIs or ED. If they won't use it, test for it or see a GP about it, they don't deserve a sexlife. And women certainly deserve better.

EBearhug · 11/02/2024 12:01

never smoked and rarely drinks!

This may be a factor. My last two don't drink, and while one did intermittently smoke when very stressed, he was not a heavy or long term smoker.

SilverTay · 11/02/2024 12:05

Men in their 50s can be amazing in bed - they have decades of experience, unlike those in their 20s.

Absolutely. Would much rather have sex with an older man who knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't get offended when you "advise" him what to to do!

I too am in my (late) 50's and am having amazing sex. That's why I won't make do with someone who can't perform.

acpk55 · 11/02/2024 15:06

dimllaishebiaith · 11/02/2024 10:07

The word pathetic is used in response to the senario where women are being expected to risk pregnancy and their sexual health because of men making them feel like its their fault

That behaviour is pathetic. No one was referencing the actual issues around ED or age related changes as being pathetic unless there is another post I haven't seen

and just a few minutes later someone posted this

That's why I won't make do with someone who can't perform.

Bloom15 · 11/02/2024 15:37

SgtJuneAckland · 10/02/2024 07:15

@RH1234 if you're going NHS you might find there's quite a wait, DH had his done recently after two years on the waiting list.

Really? DH was done within about 5 months from first appointment. It probably depends on where you live

Rejected12 · 11/02/2024 16:47

dimllaishebiaith · 10/02/2024 16:51

I absolutely know what the ONS website is I promise

But

In the context of the thread my brain totally converted ONS to the one night stand website for a second 🤦‍♀️

I was like "damn there's a website for that now?"

Lol.

Good username by the way.

DRS1970 · 11/02/2024 17:00

Serendipityandmore · 10/02/2024 00:30

Yeah, stop blaming men.

How about you try a female condom? It's super easy to stay aroused whilst engaging with plastic so you'll have no trouble, right?

https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/contraception/female-condoms

Edited

Faultless logic. 👍😸

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