Page 4 | Can men not manage a condom any more?

46isthisit · 2024-02-10T00:26:54+00:00

I have been single a while and every time I try to start a new sexual relationship sensibly after lots of conversation about safe sex etc they don’t seem to manage to maintain an erection with a condom. I’m so fed up and end up being made to feel I’m being a bit fussy and uptight. Any advice please?

JimnJoyce · 10/02/2024 13:27

my experience of men in Op's age range is the same. Lots of ED to the point they pretty much give up on penetrative sex and go down the BDSM route.
So unsatisfying

rwalker · 10/02/2024 13:28

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 10/02/2024 11:50

Don’t have sex then…

I always think these arguments are like complaints about seatbelts. Yes, wearing a seatbelt is less comfortable than not wearing one. But if you want to drive a car (or be transported in one), you put the seatbelt on.

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I answered the question OP asked about condoms

I have and would use condoms

acpk55 · 10/02/2024 13:31

Bobbotgegrinch · 10/02/2024 11:13

Hey, I'm a 40 year old bloke, not had to use condoms in a long while as been with DP for 17 years. I apologise in advance if I'm about to get a bit TMI.

Erections are not the same at 40 as they were in my 20s, or even my 30s. When you're 20, the smallest little thing sets you off. Woman lying in bed stroking my chest, erection. The mention of sexy time later, erection. And once you're up, you're up for a good long while. (To the extent that sometimes it's really annoying and inconvenient)

By the time you're 40, things aren't on a hair trigger so much. I need hands on junk these days before I get hard, whereas before I could start playing with DP and the erection would sort itself out. And I can't necessarily rely on it for the duration any more either. If someone stops for a water break, or to get the lube out, or has a coughing fit, or any of the other funny or awkward things that interrupt a sex session happen, then I may not be as hard as I was when we resume. Hell, even a position change comes with a slight risk.

I don't know the solution for the condoms, as I said I've not needed to use one for over a decade. But my weight and overall fitness level make a difference to my erection, as does how frequently I masturbate. I'd imagine that foreplay, condom, a bit more foreplay, then sex would probably help at all. Also having the condom chat before anything even starts, rather than when things have already gotten a bit hot and heavy.

None of the above is to say that it's OK for men to be making you feel awkward for wanting to use a condom. Condoms should be the expectation, rather than the exception when it comes to sex with someone new. This is the man's problem to solve, not yours.

I would agree this, I’m older still ((50 + ), and the frequency and “dependability “, of erections have certainly changed in the last 30 years, I’ve also not had to use condoms for a few years and they might take a bit of getting used to again, but don’t see why that should be an issue.

the only issue I see really is reading this thread, some people seem to think that a 50 year old should still be able to perform in the same way as 20yr old , I would like to think that is more about quality then quantity these days, but that’s down to my partner to answer really

Gettingbysomehow · 10/02/2024 13:32

Yes this is so weird. My last husband who was young and healthy could never get one on without going limp, he was fine without it. I've had this problem with previous lovers too. I think it is porn because I bever had this problem with boyfriends before you could access porn everywhere. The last thing I need is messy cream pie so I just don't have sex any more. Sorry for the TMI.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/02/2024 13:34

acpk55 · 10/02/2024 13:31

I would agree this, I’m older still ((50 + ), and the frequency and “dependability “, of erections have certainly changed in the last 30 years, I’ve also not had to use condoms for a few years and they might take a bit of getting used to again, but don’t see why that should be an issue.

the only issue I see really is reading this thread, some people seem to think that a 50 year old should still be able to perform in the same way as 20yr old , I would like to think that is more about quality then quantity these days, but that’s down to my partner to answer really

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You're right it definitely has changed over 40 years in my case I'm 62. I.m convinced its porn.

acpk55 · 10/02/2024 13:44

@Gettingbysomehow I’m male and not a particular porn user, but (some) women do seem to think that a 50 yr old man should get as many erections as 20 yr old man , which is a bit ignorant I think , it’s certainly not porn for me., but just general aging in the same way I need glasses to read now, when I didn’t in my 20’s and now i have arthritis in my joints that I didn’t have in my 20’s.

Rejected12 · 10/02/2024 13:47

PermanentTemporary · 10/02/2024 07:26

I have to say 79% against pregnancy is absolutely rubbish, I thought they were better than that.

Similar rates to withdrawal I've read. Also not a very popular method.

Bluewonder88 · 10/02/2024 13:51

What does porn have to do with going limp when a condom is on but fine with a condom off?

I have retrograde Ejaculation and a Titan so I probably am in the minority of men but I would still use a condom for any new relationship, to protect us both from STI's.

Suchagroovyguy · 10/02/2024 13:55

Serendipityandmore · 10/02/2024 00:30

Yeah, stop blaming men.

How about you try a female condom? It's super easy to stay aroused whilst engaging with plastic so you'll have no trouble, right?

https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/contraception/female-condoms

Edited

What the fuck have I read here?! 🤯

Suchagroovyguy · 10/02/2024 13:57

Men don’t like condoms. They reduce sensation. Knowing that causes them to lose…impetus…if they’re using them. Therefore, they’d rather risk yours and their own health and coerce you into not using them by making you feel ‘fussy and uptight’. In my experience.

Eboni · 10/02/2024 13:57

Mainats · 10/02/2024 06:39

How about these men learn how to use a condom to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies, as well as STIs? Using a condom is the only way men can ensure they don't conceive a child from a casual sexual encounter, and it should by very important to them.

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Yeah some men are really serious about not having unwanted pregnancies and being “trapped” by some woman who just wants child support and to “drain their bank”. That is, until you ask them to wear a condom of course 🙄

Emphasis on some personally I’ve never met a man that’s refused to wear a condom. Even if they did, I just wouldn’t allow it.

Always baffled that some women tolerate it then end up with STDs or pregnancies from men they hardly know or like.

Dery · 10/02/2024 13:59

Lots of good advice and a particular shout out to @Bobbotgegrinch for his generous frankness.

Mainats · 10/02/2024 14:38

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 10/02/2024 08:00

Yeah, stop blaming men.

Urgh. It’s so depressing how quickly people stick up for men. Even where the OP has described male behaviour as problematic - and being annoyed at a sexual partner who insists you use condoms is problematic.

Culturally, this idea that condoms are this dreadful thing and men are somehow victimised by the need to wear them is so pernicious. As is the apologism for men who respond to any erection issues by deflection so that their sexual performance somehow becomes their partners’ responsibility to manage.

Amen.

StarlightLady · 10/02/2024 15:15

Gettingbysomehow · 10/02/2024 13:32

Yes this is so weird. My last husband who was young and healthy could never get one on without going limp, he was fine without it. I've had this problem with previous lovers too. I think it is porn because I bever had this problem with boyfriends before you could access porn everywhere. The last thing I need is messy cream pie so I just don't have sex any more. Sorry for the TMI.

Let me add a bit more information to your TMI, sometimes matters can be averted by putting one on a partner with your mouth.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2024 15:45

Serendipityandmore · 10/02/2024 00:30

Yeah, stop blaming men.

How about you try a female condom? It's super easy to stay aroused whilst engaging with plastic so you'll have no trouble, right?

https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/contraception/female-condoms

Edited

@Serendipityandmore

oh dear, you sound more than a bit misogynistic.

those poor, poor men eh?

my heart bleeds

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2024 15:52

Suchagroovyguy · 10/02/2024 13:57

Men don’t like condoms. They reduce sensation. Knowing that causes them to lose…impetus…if they’re using them. Therefore, they’d rather risk yours and their own health and coerce you into not using them by making you feel ‘fussy and uptight’. In my experience.

@Suchagroovyguy

Pathetic isn’t it?
men really need to start taking accountability don’t they

Oblomov23 · 10/02/2024 15:53

"Yeah, stop blaming men.
How about you try a female condom? It's super easy to stay aroused whilst engaging with plastic so you'll have no trouble, right? "

WTF? I can't believe I just read that from @Serendipityandmore.

And no, I too still don't quite get why porn, would make a young man lose his erection, if putting on a condom.

thebestinterest · 10/02/2024 16:03

could this explain why there are so many single mum pregnancies? Caving to the mans demand that ‘condoms just interferes, hence are a bother?’

StarlightLady · 10/02/2024 16:04

Greengreengrass78 · 10/02/2024 12:25

Speaking from experience (embarrassingly) when I was single I used my vibrator several times a week. When I found a partner I really struggled to achieve orgasm due to the pressure/sensation not being as strong as what I was used to. Same happened 'manual' masturbation, i couldn't reach that point. I put the vibrator away for a few months and my sensation was back to normal. Could this support the "death grip" theory?

Edited

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But it’s important for people to know that not all woman are this way. I’m in my 40s snd use a vibey more or less daily (I’ve been that way for years) sometimes more than once. You could say it’s part of my morning wake up routine. The needs are different to 1:1 sex, where daily would be too much.

l still orgasm with a partner though, mainly through oral.

Rejected12 · 10/02/2024 16:05

thebestinterest · 10/02/2024 16:03

could this explain why there are so many single mum pregnancies? Caving to the mans demand that ‘condoms just interferes, hence are a bother?’

Edited

No because the thread is about people past peak baby-making age.

Also, aren't most single mothers divorced or have left a long-term relationship rather than pregnant from a casual dalliance?

thebestinterest · 10/02/2024 16:12

Rejected12 · 10/02/2024 16:05

No because the thread is about people past peak baby-making age.

Also, aren't most single mothers divorced or have left a long-term relationship rather than pregnant from a casual dalliance?

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Not from I see on here… every week ‘I’m pregnant for a guy I barely know. I’ve decided to keep it even though we’ve broken up’

Rejected12 · 10/02/2024 16:14

thebestinterest · 10/02/2024 16:12

Not from I see on here… every week ‘I’m pregnant for a guy I barely know. I’ve decided to keep it even though we’ve broken up’

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I would trust proper stats over MN. What does google say or the ONS website?

dimllaishebiaith · 10/02/2024 16:51

Rejected12 · 10/02/2024 16:14

I would trust proper stats over MN. What does google say or the ONS website?

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I absolutely know what the ONS website is I promise

But

In the context of the thread my brain totally converted ONS to the one night stand website for a second 🤦‍♀️

I was like "damn there's a website for that now?"

Ladolcevita233 · 10/02/2024 16:54

EBearhug · 10/02/2024 11:52

I've met a woman like that too. She likes sex with lots of men. She doesn't want to use condoms. She's not going to get pregnant. She uses PrEP. Which is her choice. It's not mine. Just because most diseases can be cured or at least controlled these days, I'd rather not catch one in the first place.

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HPV is not curable and can lead to cancer.

Herpes is not curable

I could go on.

StarlightLady · 10/02/2024 17:31

(My) House Rules:

No condom = No entry.
Not giving me oral = No entry.

Otherwise; next please!