Can men not manage a condom any more?

[46isthisit]

I have been single a while and every time I try to start a new sexual relationship sensibly after lots of conversation about safe sex etc they don’t seem to manage to maintain an erection with a condom. I’m so fed up and end up being made to feel I’m being a bit fussy and uptight. Any advice please?

The death grip is an urban myth that has been discredited, contrary to the above post there is no medical evidence supporting it.

I don't think this is correct. There's certainly plenty written about it, I've heard interviews with men who absolutely experienced it (porn + aggressive masturbation = unable to achieve / sustain erection during sex).

It isn't a recognised medical condition (because it's not one, obviously). But it's certainly recognised as a factor in erectile dysfunction. (I just checked!)

People are pretty out of shape these days and that means middle aged men will be bad at erections. Blaming the condom is a cop out.
Condoms on my are clearly more effective, though failure to get an erection is even more effective I suppose.

Male condoms are more effective at preventing pregnancy than female condoms

So advising a woman who is at the start of a relationship with a man to use female condoms and essentially implying they are being selfish for expect men to wear condoms is incredibly irresponsible advice

Given male condoms are more effective then at the start of the relationship the man should be willing to use them. Especially given how easy it is for men to walk away if the woman does become pregnant

The woman is already shouldering the vast majority of the risk, no one should be expecting her to increase it.

Life is too short OP. Condom attitudes and competence are an excellent way to weed out the bad dates.

Yes, they're crap odds. It's like throwing a dice and hoping you don't get a six! If it works as it should, I'm not sure how you could get pregnant using one!

Yeah, stop blaming men.

Urgh. It’s so depressing how quickly people stick up for men. Even where the OP has described male behaviour as problematic - and being annoyed at a sexual partner who insists you use condoms is problematic.

Culturally, this idea that condoms are this dreadful thing and men are somehow victimised by the need to wear them is so pernicious. As is the apologism for men who respond to any erection issues by deflection so that their sexual performance somehow becomes their partners’ responsibility to manage.

Date a bloke with a bionic penis! Then its hard when ever you want it hard....!

A long time ago prior to meeting my DP I met a man, had a few dates, and when it came to DTD he asked me to slip one on (male condom) in a seductive way as he would go floppy as soon as he saw one. I tried - but seductive ways are not my string point and it did indeed happen like he said. So that meant no PIV. Frustrating but not worth the risk to my health.

These are men in their 40s and 50s. I never noticed this problem with younger men (when I was young) but I’m mid 40s now and I want a relationship with someone my age.

I have tried female condoms in the past but it didn’t help.

When you know they’ve had sex with other women in the last year or so and not used condoms that’s all the more reason I want to be safe. The current one tells me he’s has a vasectomy which is probably true but I have no evidence it’s worked, it’s all on trust. We didn’t end up having sex last night as he couldn’t manage with a condom so he’s getting tested next week. But the tests don’t rule out everything so my preference would still be using a condom but it seems impossible with most men

Knowing more than one man - not friends! - who have a child they very much didn’t plan, it beats me why they’re stupid enough to take the risk and rely on even the most effective contraception and another person taking it - especially when they hardly know the woman. 🙄

Yeah I just wouldn’t have kept dating him. Yes, we both could have gone for STI tests to confirm condoms were not necessary - if I was on contraception obviously - but who’s to say he would have stayed faithful in the early dating days? Unfortunate for him but definitely
not worth the risk for those having sex with him when dating and before being exclusive.

Male condoms are more effective - end of.

no condom - no sex

If the one from last night made you feel fussy and uptight because he couldn't maintain an erection, why tf are you seeing him again?!

He didn’t make me feel that way although others have. I was just expressing my frustration that it seems to happen every time. To be fair he didn’t push it at all but I was shocked he’d never considered getting tested until I suggested it.

Because the consequence is the womans. They might have assumed she would take the consequence of an abortion. After they didnt they would have assumed the women would take the consequence of being resident / default parent.

how many of those men have the child at least 50/50 ?

But how would you know he isnt sleeping with other people after the tests?

I won’t know for sure but I guess that’s true for any relationship. I think it’s extremely unlikely with this one. I’ve been dating him for 6 weeks and he’s been clear it’s exclusive.

Quite! None of them 50% of the time! Both pay hefty maintenance, bless their little hearts 🙄. One tells my husband that every time he earns more money, the maintenance just increases, the poor thing. He was “trapped” by a woman when he didn’t wear a condom, you see.

🤬

Be careful OP. I thought and was told this by a lovely man years ago. (I always used condoms + my coil tbh! I really didn’t want a baby if you can’t tell…) Then I saw new condoms in his suitcase he was in the process of packing for a trip the following weekend. It’s just not worth the risk - pregnancy obviously but also infections.

I would particularly expect men in their late 40s/50s/early 60s to have no problem with condoms because they (like me) were sexually active in an era when HIV infection rapidly led to AIDS and certain death. No-one I knew would dream of having casual sex without a condom.

I'd keep looking tbh.

Even after the tests he could cheat, and some vasectomies (if he'd truthful about having one) are ineffective.

I’ve been looking for 6 years! And seem to run into this issue almost every time.

@46isthisit its their age. I’ve had this exact same problem. I was dating men around the 45- 50 mark- basically about my age and older.

10 years ago ( maybe even 5) this was never a problem. But they were 5-10 years younger.

have used condoms throughout my adult life. Men never used to mind. But in recent years, I’ve noticed real resistance to it.

It’s ED. Have a long term partner now and he’s the same. ( on the aversion to condoms - not ED). It’s really out of character as he’s so thoughtful and caring in every other way. However, he’s recently hinted about being anxious about losing his erection. It’s obviously really worrying him and the condoms make it harder to maintain an erection.

but of course, haven’t managed to get him to open up fully about it. So annoying as the answer is a little blue pill and we could all get on with it!

This is what I think. I’m the same. But there’s been a real change in attitudes among older blokes.

Condoms can make sex extremely unsatisfying tried many brands over the years
it the lack of sensation

I think the best comparison for a woman is shagging someone with a very small thin penis your having sex but getting very little sensation