Page 3 | Can men not manage a condom any more?

46isthisit · 2024-02-10T00:26:54+00:00

I have been single a while and every time I try to start a new sexual relationship sensibly after lots of conversation about safe sex etc they don’t seem to manage to maintain an erection with a condom. I’m so fed up and end up being made to feel I’m being a bit fussy and uptight. Any advice please?

EBearhug · 10/02/2024 11:03

Dery · 10/02/2024 10:29

I would particularly expect men in their late 40s/50s/early 60s to have no problem with condoms because they (like me) were sexually active in an era when HIV infection rapidly led to AIDS and certain death. No-one I knew would dream of having casual sex without a condom.

I assumed this too - I have been disillusioned. I am 51 and started OLD a couple of years ago, and I mostly meet men aroundmy age. Almost none of them will mention condoms unless I mention it first. Then I get to hear about their vasectomies. I still get periods, so there is still a chance of pregnancy if they haven't had the snip. (Look at Victoria Coren-Mitchell, my age, just had a second baby.) I might mention testing. "I get one every year with my private health through work." Once a year? When you've been sleeping around with other people?

Besides anything else, if I'm willing to go to bed with one guy when I barely know him. I probably do that with other men. Don't they want to protect themselves from me?

(I do test regularly - I'm responsible for me and the risks i take..)

The exception seems to be swingers, where condoms are mostly de riguer - no one has ever questioned using them there. They're also better about consent - no really does mean no, rather than "no means yes if I give it a bit of time and keep asking..."

New man also surprised me by being the one to bring up the question of testing before we could sleep together (no sleep was involved...) I think he's the first to have initiated the conversation.

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 10/02/2024 11:05

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 10/02/2024 08:00

Yeah, stop blaming men.

Urgh. It’s so depressing how quickly people stick up for men. Even where the OP has described male behaviour as problematic - and being annoyed at a sexual partner who insists you use condoms is problematic.

Culturally, this idea that condoms are this dreadful thing and men are somehow victimised by the need to wear them is so pernicious. As is the apologism for men who respond to any erection issues by deflection so that their sexual performance somehow becomes their partners’ responsibility to manage.

Yep yep yep.

Poor little menz.

EBearhug · 10/02/2024 11:06

rwalker · 10/02/2024 11:01

Condoms can make sex extremely unsatisfying tried many brands over the years
it the lack of sensation

I think the best comparison for a woman is shagging someone with a very small thin penis your having sex but getting very little sensation

It's not the best comparison. Women can have very good sex without any penis being involved at all, and guys with smaller penises are often good in bed because they don't just rely on their size. Men might well get more sex if they realised it's not just about their penis.

dimllaishebiaith · 10/02/2024 11:13

rwalker · 10/02/2024 11:01

Condoms can make sex extremely unsatisfying tried many brands over the years
it the lack of sensation

I think the best comparison for a woman is shagging someone with a very small thin penis your having sex but getting very little sensation

You know what's even more unsatisfying sexually for a woman than a man with a small penis?

Men who try to make women responsible for their failure to get medical help when they develop an inability to maintain an election when they hit midlife

Men who imply that women are being "fussy and uptight" for trying to protect their health and avoid pregnancy

Men who act like women who get pregnant, after they (the men) refuse to wear a condom, have "trapped" them and are only after their money

Men who see other men, and a lot of them, pay the bare minimum of CMS and do little to none of the parenting but still maintain that "better sensation during sex for men" is something women should care about over and above their own needs and concerns

Yeah men who don't care about womens sexual health and pregnancy risks, whilst refusing to take care of themselves medically would be a far bigger turn off than a man with a small penis who is thoughtful to his partners needs and concerns

Bobbotgegrinch · 10/02/2024 11:13

Hey, I'm a 40 year old bloke, not had to use condoms in a long while as been with DP for 17 years. I apologise in advance if I'm about to get a bit TMI.

Erections are not the same at 40 as they were in my 20s, or even my 30s. When you're 20, the smallest little thing sets you off. Woman lying in bed stroking my chest, erection. The mention of sexy time later, erection. And once you're up, you're up for a good long while. (To the extent that sometimes it's really annoying and inconvenient)

By the time you're 40, things aren't on a hair trigger so much. I need hands on junk these days before I get hard, whereas before I could start playing with DP and the erection would sort itself out. And I can't necessarily rely on it for the duration any more either. If someone stops for a water break, or to get the lube out, or has a coughing fit, or any of the other funny or awkward things that interrupt a sex session happen, then I may not be as hard as I was when we resume. Hell, even a position change comes with a slight risk.

I don't know the solution for the condoms, as I said I've not needed to use one for over a decade. But my weight and overall fitness level make a difference to my erection, as does how frequently I masturbate. I'd imagine that foreplay, condom, a bit more foreplay, then sex would probably help at all. Also having the condom chat before anything even starts, rather than when things have already gotten a bit hot and heavy.

None of the above is to say that it's OK for men to be making you feel awkward for wanting to use a condom. Condoms should be the expectation, rather than the exception when it comes to sex with someone new. This is the man's problem to solve, not yours.

StillStuckInTheShed · 10/02/2024 11:39

Doris9 · 10/02/2024 10:20

Quite! None of them 50% of the time! Both pay hefty maintenance, bless their little hearts 🙄. One tells my husband that every time he earns more money, the maintenance just increases, the poor thing. He was “trapped” by a woman when he didn’t wear a condom, you see.

🤬

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Wow. Talk about absolving themselves of responsibility. What the fuck is wrong with them?!

That's shocking.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/02/2024 11:41

I'll be honest whether it's a genuine problem or an invented problem, I don't care.

If someone wants to sleep with me, they use a condom. No ifs, buts or maybes. Tough shit, those are my conditions.

Different in long term committed relationships but any time I was single that was the rule. I have enough gyn issues without adding an STI into the mix. Anyone who had a problem with it, was no loss anyway.

Giv0iw · 10/02/2024 11:42

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 07:11

If they get funny about having to wear one don't have sex with them.

This. All these men can't be having so much trouble and if they are rude about it, it's likely they just don't want to wear one!

C1N1C · 10/02/2024 11:46

Hold your guns.

People these days are scary. I have a gay friend who has told me he doesn't even bother anymore because you can use PrEP (HIV Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis). His attitude is that 'everything' else is curable, and if you take PrEP, you're fine.

Universalsnail · 10/02/2024 11:47

rwalker · 10/02/2024 11:01

Condoms can make sex extremely unsatisfying tried many brands over the years
it the lack of sensation

I think the best comparison for a woman is shagging someone with a very small thin penis your having sex but getting very little sensation

Yeah. Tbh I can't feel a thing with a condom. Nothing may as well not bother. Although If it was a casual or new relationship we would have no choice, but I probably just wouldn't want to bother with PIV

I imagine it's due to the lack of sensation if these are older men who are now finding it harder to maintain an erection.

Notevenslightlydamp · 10/02/2024 11:49

In my experience of dating men of the same age, the condom thing is often related to unrealistic expectations of dating. Many men want a quick fuck rather than anything longer term and are very quick with the dick pics and questions - "Can I go bareback?" "You shaved or waxed?" Etc. When you find a normal one they tend to have no issues with condoms (or body hair, or piv sex) because they are nice normal men.

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 10/02/2024 11:50

rwalker · 10/02/2024 11:01

Condoms can make sex extremely unsatisfying tried many brands over the years
it the lack of sensation

I think the best comparison for a woman is shagging someone with a very small thin penis your having sex but getting very little sensation

Don’t have sex then…

I always think these arguments are like complaints about seatbelts. Yes, wearing a seatbelt is less comfortable than not wearing one. But if you want to drive a car (or be transported in one), you put the seatbelt on.

EBearhug · 10/02/2024 11:52

C1N1C · 10/02/2024 11:46

Hold your guns.

People these days are scary. I have a gay friend who has told me he doesn't even bother anymore because you can use PrEP (HIV Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis). His attitude is that 'everything' else is curable, and if you take PrEP, you're fine.

I've met a woman like that too. She likes sex with lots of men. She doesn't want to use condoms. She's not going to get pregnant. She uses PrEP. Which is her choice. It's not mine. Just because most diseases can be cured or at least controlled these days, I'd rather not catch one in the first place.

Giv0iw · 10/02/2024 11:52

@rwalker to be fair it's less sensation for the woman also! It depends on the situation if its a casual thing I would prefer a condom to be worn.

EBearhug · 10/02/2024 11:59

By the time you're 40, things aren't on a hair trigger so much. I need hands on junk these days before I get hard, whereas before I could start playing with DP and the erection would sort itself out.

That's your experience. I can assure you that not all men need hands on. They may not last quite as long in their 50s as in their 20s, and they do need more recovery time, but the men who keep themselves fit still get there with no help, and some are very good at keeping going. The ones who suffer ED and need pills tend to be less fit, more overweight, and often have other medical issues. Some of them have decent personalities as well...

IcouldbutIdontwantto · 10/02/2024 12:04

harerunner · 10/02/2024 07:49

Yes, they're crap odds. It's like throwing a dice and hoping you don't get a six! If it works as it should, I'm not sure how you could get pregnant using one!

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Interestingly, when I went to my 8 week check up after having DD, the nurse asked me if we'd thought about contraception. I said we were just going to use (male) condoms as we wanted another one, and I didn't want to start taking anything. She then asked me if it mattered if I got pregnant 'sooner than planned' I said that it didn't really... and she said 'OK, condoms are fine then' 🤔

Greengreengrass78 · 10/02/2024 12:25

Northernparent68 · 10/02/2024 06:09

The death grip is an urban myth that has been discredited, contrary to the above post there is no medical evidence supporting it.

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Speaking from experience (embarrassingly) when I was single I used my vibrator several times a week. When I found a partner I really struggled to achieve orgasm due to the pressure/sensation not being as strong as what I was used to. Same happened 'manual' masturbation, i couldn't reach that point. I put the vibrator away for a few months and my sensation was back to normal. Could this support the "death grip" theory?

LlynTegid · 10/02/2024 12:40

@46isthisit keep saying no glove no love, there is no crime in being single.

acpk55 · 10/02/2024 12:42

StarlightLady · 10/02/2024 05:54

OP, sexual health is important and you are so right to look after yourself. In the past, l have been called names (by other women!) because l always carry condoms in my handbag and in the glove compartment of my car. The irony is I’ve supplied a few to friends over the years.

l don’t know how many men you are referring to here, but l very much doubt that things would have been any different without a condom. Stick by your guns and don’t be persuaded otherwise.

Maybe they had too much to drink or maybe you have just picked the wrong men; that is not meant to be critical.

But there are those who will be rock hard out there, don’t give up. If you are not looking fir anything serious, a younger one can be fun.

If you are not looking fir anything serious, a younger one can be fun.

I’m pretty sure lots of men would say exactly the same 😂

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/02/2024 12:47

Easy to increase some of the sensation for men when using condoms. HUGE BUT before I continue the condom needs to fit them properly otherwise slippage may happen. Which defeats the point.

We aren't using hormonal contraception at the moment because I hate it. He won't get the snip. We use condoms unless in a super safe time in my cycle. Add a drop or two of water based lube to the condom before slipping it on. H says it's made a huge difference to the way they feel. We use the thinnest ones possible with zero scent. Condom smell kills it for me.

And, he's mid 40s not in the best shape of his life but doesn't seem to suffer from losing or maintaining an erection with or without a condom. Doesnt seem (to me) to be a difference between now and well over a decade ago. There's also huge amounts of foreplay. Not ones for a quickie.

BCBird · 10/02/2024 12:54

My previous partner called them.Wellington boots. He had a choice, wear it or no action. Had a mutually satisfying relationship for 2 years. Was in his 50s. Never had problem with losing erection whilst wearing a condom. We onli saw each other at weekends, maybe the anticipation helped

acpk55 · 10/02/2024 13:01

46isthisit · 10/02/2024 10:09

He didn’t make me feel that way although others have. I was just expressing my frustration that it seems to happen every time. To be fair he didn’t push it at all but I was shocked he’d never considered getting tested until I suggested it.

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Just to put an alternative spin on this - I’m male and a couple of years ago started seeing someone new - she was slightly shocked when I insisted we BOTH got tested before I dropped the condoms, she seemed to think it just me who should be ( I had no knowledge of her previous partners),

itwasntmetho · 10/02/2024 13:16

I've had this quite a few times too, it's really knocked my confidence.

Threecrows · 10/02/2024 13:17

Bobbotgegrinch · 10/02/2024 11:13

Hey, I'm a 40 year old bloke, not had to use condoms in a long while as been with DP for 17 years. I apologise in advance if I'm about to get a bit TMI.

Erections are not the same at 40 as they were in my 20s, or even my 30s. When you're 20, the smallest little thing sets you off. Woman lying in bed stroking my chest, erection. The mention of sexy time later, erection. And once you're up, you're up for a good long while. (To the extent that sometimes it's really annoying and inconvenient)

By the time you're 40, things aren't on a hair trigger so much. I need hands on junk these days before I get hard, whereas before I could start playing with DP and the erection would sort itself out. And I can't necessarily rely on it for the duration any more either. If someone stops for a water break, or to get the lube out, or has a coughing fit, or any of the other funny or awkward things that interrupt a sex session happen, then I may not be as hard as I was when we resume. Hell, even a position change comes with a slight risk.

I don't know the solution for the condoms, as I said I've not needed to use one for over a decade. But my weight and overall fitness level make a difference to my erection, as does how frequently I masturbate. I'd imagine that foreplay, condom, a bit more foreplay, then sex would probably help at all. Also having the condom chat before anything even starts, rather than when things have already gotten a bit hot and heavy.

None of the above is to say that it's OK for men to be making you feel awkward for wanting to use a condom. Condoms should be the expectation, rather than the exception when it comes to sex with someone new. This is the man's problem to solve, not yours.

Well said and thanks for giving the male perspective.

Wish more men were as candid ( and reasonable) as this!

The thing that is really frustrating is that this is what I assumed was the issue. It’s all completely understandable and doesn’t affect a woman’s attraction to a partner ( otherwise we’d all be faint at the sight of a Randy teenager). We all need to deal with ageing - wrinkles, glasses, bad knees etc. but often men just refuse to talk about it.

I have to tip toe round this subject with my partner - basically just to reassure him that it’s not a problem and it’s easily fixed with a trip to the doctor, but he is so angsty about it, it gets on my nerves. Wish more men would just look after their health and take responsibility for it rather than burying their heads in the sand and pretend the ageing process isn’t happening to them!

acpk55 · 10/02/2024 13:17

EarringsandLipstick · 10/02/2024 07:37

The death grip is an urban myth that has been discredited, contrary to the above post there is no medical evidence supporting it.

I don't think this is correct. There's certainly plenty written about it, I've heard interviews with men who absolutely experienced it (porn + aggressive masturbation = unable to achieve / sustain erection during sex).

It isn't a recognised medical condition (because it's not one, obviously). But it's certainly recognised as a factor in erectile dysfunction. (I just checked!)

most stuff written about it is anecdotal really, with little hard evidence ( no pun ), some online sources point to link between “death grip “, and the delayed ejaculation side of ED, rather than the impotence side of ED, so there would no real link “death grip “ and a man losing an erection wearing a condom - the opposite would probably be true Tbf.

https://www.healthline.com/health/death-grip-syndrome