Feel like his mum, am i being used?

[mrsconsuelabananahammock]

hi, looking for advice.

my boyfriend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

Sounds like a teenage dc coming home from uni. Grim op.
He is way too comfortable.. Cock lodger alert..

Sounds very unappealing to me.

Why does he need his clothes washing if he’s only there for the weekend? Surely he can just bring enough stuff to see him through and take it home with him on Sunday evening/Monday morning?

How long have you been together?

The lack of sex alone would be a big enough deal breaker for me, having tolerated a sexless relationship for far too long previously, but the rest of contributes to a pretty bleak picture too.

What is he actually contributing? How do you benefit from this scenario?

My first thoughts would be that he should do his own washing and preferably in his own house.
if he’s coming to yours and you are happy to cook, then he could get a takeaway or take you out, childcare permitting once a week.

You have made life far too comfortable. Ditch the man baby

And if there’s nothing much happening in bed then you don’t need to have him staying over.

Strictly speaking a cock lodger is someone who provides sex and expects to be given a free ride in return this one doesn't even rise to the level of a cock lodger!
Ring the changes op, invite him round but say there's no food in the cupboard and he'll have to go to the supermarket to pay for it ...something like that.
Let him use the washing machine but say sorry there's no washing powder he'll have to go out and buy some, think of it as an amusing game that you play to watch his reactions and see how long it takes him to skip off and find another mug to exploit.

How did you start doing any of his washing?

@Gloriosaford he just fills the laundry basket and it magically empties. If i said there was no washing powder it would remain in the basket until i washed it

@WhyIOughtTo because i said i would wash some bits, like pants and socks and he could have clean ones here, but im regretting that now

@CaraMiaMonCher this relationship is heading in a sexless direction, we havent had sex this year. He has low testonsterone apparantly but hasnt been to the drs, i have started realising i dont get anything out of the realtionship except dirty clothes, more dishes and another mouth to feed

How could you possibly be attracted to this man?

No, this isn't normal.

He is a grown adult. He should take on equal responsibility for any cooking, washing, shopping, housework etc that needs doing while you're together.

If you were spending equal time at each others' house, then I'd understand if you took the lead at your house and he took the lead at yours. But that isnt' what's happening - he's using you financially as as a housemaid.

If you think the relationship is worth working on, then you need to talk to him honestly. Tell him that from hereon, you need him to pull his weight financially, to do his own washing, and to share the chores when you're together.

How he responds to that will be very telling. If he listens, respects what you say, and changes his ways, then there is hope. I suspect though that he's sulk or threaten to leave or make a promise then never keep it.

To be honest, I wouldn't have the conversation though, I'd just end it. You shouldn't have to explain to a grown adult that they should pull their weight and not use other people. The very fact he's willing to do that shows a lack of respect and care for you.

Sorry- I meant if he took the lead at HIS.

Why would be drop his washing in your laundry basket? That sounds ridiculous!

He is a man child, but honestly, you've been making it way too easy for him to behave that way. What could possibly motivate him to behave differently - apart from being a decent, responsible adult of course?

You say you don't want to be his mother, and I completely understand. But maybe stop mothering him then.

Let his laundry pile up. Or pack his dirty clothes in a bag and hand them to him when he leaves, saying: "here, you forgot this"
When he comes over, just don't make dinner. Wait him out. If he asks about dinner, tell him: "Oh, I hadn't realised the time. Food sounds lovely. What are you making?"

He'll either get very frustrated and won't be coming over as much, or he might just start thinking about what he's doing.
However, a man who will be this comfortable letting someone take care of him without offering anything in return, won't magically change. If he does step up, it's only going to last for as long as he has to. As soon as he sees an opportunity to go back to his selfish ways.

This is as clear as the nose on your face. Why on earth you took on washing, cooking and cleaning for a so called 'boyfriend' is beyond me.

I've had a very long relationship and some short ones around it but I've never had a man treat me like this. And if he did I wouldn't tolerate it

No it's not normal OP.

Of course you're being used.

I think you need to do some proper work on your self worth op.

You are worth more than this.

You need to ask yourself why you didn't dump him nearly a year ago. You need to ask yourself why you needed to even ask this question. Any woman with a healthy idea of relationships wouldn't have asked, they would have shown him the door long ago. And you need to ask yourself why you've included the question 'is it normal for me to do this.' Because what difference does that make?!? If every man treated women as their slave would that make it ok to carry on?!?
Dump him op, he's not adding value to your life, only taking from your need to please.

Oh god, how can you do this to yourself? There is no way I'd be washing someone's clothes if they visited every weekend. Why can't he do them in his own home? It would be different if it was my own child who was a student - I'd think I would save them some money and I might even enjoy the mothering aspect (though in reality I'd tell them to do it themself).

You know how mums always say, "You're treating this place like a hotel"? Well, that's exactly what this guy's doing. He's got free food, no bills and his washing done. He says he has low testosterone - I would think it's far more likely he's got used to a heavy diet of porn.

It's the weekend now. Message him saying you can't make it this weekend, then when he's got used to that you can tell him that it's over.

Actually the first time he brought his washing round you should have dumped him. The first time he didn't bring some food round you should have dumped him.

Better late than never, but now that your eyes have been opened, you can't see him in any other light now.

Isn’t it supposed to be fun and lots of sex 18 months in?
Dump him.

While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes.

Why did you ever start doing that?

I think op, it depends on how much you like him how you move things forward. Either you just end it and move on and do what's right for you and your child, or you have a very direct conversation about what you need and expect from a relationship and give him a period of time to shape up. If he does great if he doesn't then you end it and move on. But either way it's unacceptable for him to expect you to do so much without meeting you halfway and you need to feel able to be clear about your needs and have those needs respected and met.

Do you think he might be depressed? If so it's still his responsibility to act on that and as you've said go to the gp to get support with his mental health and low testosterone issues.

He obviously thinks that you are the laundry fairy OP. It's beyond a joke that he's now bringing/leaving his dirty laundry for you to do (and pay for through your utility bills) and doesn't seem to step up as a romantic partner in any way. He doesn't sound like a long-term prospect I'm afraid. 🌹

Here comes around and leaves his washing in your laundry basket, and you actually do his washing for him??
🤣🤣🤣
Next time put it straight in a separate bag and put it by the door for him to take back home with him.
Yes he is exploiting you but you are letting him do it, you must stop letting him do this!

You're not being used because you allow this, all of it. Repeatedly for 18 months. If you don't demand better for yourself, no one else is going to on your behalf.