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Original poster

Feel like his mum, am i being used?

121 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:11

hi, looking for advice.

my boyfriend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 17:06

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

You are his 'backup mum'.
I suspect the reason his mum#1 hasn't kicked him out is that she gets a break from him when he goes to mum#2. You & she are passing him between you like an unwanted child.
You have ALL OF THE POWER here OP, he needs you but you dont need him at all, he has no leverage over you, please stop letting him exploit you

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2024 17:26

Folllowing on from that my mother had a couple of boyfriends that were not great

Are you not concerned that this is what your child may say about you someday if you don't start making better choices?

aitchteeaitch · 09/02/2024 18:00

I am scared to hurt his feelings

Well he doesn't care all that much about yours, does he? He's treating you like a complete doormat.

In the kindest possible way - grow a backbone!

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 09/02/2024 18:05

I am in a similar situation in terms of when I see my DP. He buys and cooks food in the week, we go out on a Friday and take it in turns to pay and I cook and buy food for sat. We leave underwear etc at each others houses and stuff it in with a wash. In other words we look after each other. He also hoovers and does the washing up when he's here. Boot your entitled cock lodger to the curb you deserve better!

SamW98 · 09/02/2024 18:07

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:46

@SamW98 @LonginesPrime I am that stupid person that always put others first, and i have a fear of confrontation.

No one loves confrontation but unless you want to be treated like a doormat all your life you have to learn to politely but firmly say ‘no I’m not putting up with this’

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2024 19:26

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:08

@Wishimaywishimight i will be the first to admit i am a push over. I find it hard to tell him what to do

@Bittersweet25 i have made hints, quite obvious ones

He doesn't need a hint.

Unless you want a lifetime of this you need to lose the 'pushover' part of your nature.

Kick him into touch now.

Let him come over if he has stuff at yours (which will be in binbags) get your key back if he has one and tell him, very firmly, that it's done

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2024 19:27

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 16:58

@businesshelp he is like another child, and the lack of sex is making me less attracted to him

Less attracted?

I don't care if he looks like Brad Pitt, there is nothing attractive about him

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2024 19:28

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2024 16:22

I would say all of that

Dave…I need to say something…you stay over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all your meals, wash the dishes and wash your clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. You contribute in anyway to household chores and don’t pay any money towards food or electric. I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role and it’s impacting our sex life as well

…

Edited

You forgot 'And we're done. Collect your stuff and go.'

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2024 19:29

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:46

@SamW98 @LonginesPrime I am that stupid person that always put others first, and i have a fear of confrontation.

What does that mean? What about it scares you?

JodieFostersFurHood · 09/02/2024 19:30

Did you post about this before?

motorbunny · 09/02/2024 19:34

Why OP? Just why? You seem to have set your bar very low. No woman should ;put up with this. Why in the world do you do all the housework and his WASHING? Just stop!

MariaLuna · 09/02/2024 19:35

friend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

Yes. He is a user. Get rid.

Riverlee · 09/02/2024 19:38

This is one if those situations whereby you have fallen into this situation, without even realising it.

I kinda agree with Aquamarine. In one sense, you have unwittingly allowed this to happen. However, he has also contributed to thus situation, by not offering to help to cook, clear up etc.

He’s got it made - mother dues all his cooking during the week, and you takeover at the weekend.

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 20:50

@JodieFostersFurHood no i haven't posted about this before

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 20:52

@Riverlee i know that i have allowed this to happen. It had gotten me down quite a bit, i just feel a bit used

OP posts:
CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 09/02/2024 21:12

There's nothing you can do about the past, yes he used you but what's done is done. You can however control the present. Plus you're still young, plenty of people waste much, much more time on a bad relationship Flowers

Riverlee · 09/02/2024 21:49

As @CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment says, you can’t change the past, but you can control the future. You have three choices:

  1. Make no change, and the situation continues as it is
  2. Make changes - speak to him, get him involved in the cooking, bundle up his clothes and give them back to him, or stop him staying over and go on dates outside the house only,
  3. Leave the situation, etc split up,
Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2024 21:59

Op, all you have to do is text him it's over and then block him. Why haven't you done that?

Yolo12345 · 09/02/2024 23:19

Tell him you've got plans next weekend and not to bother coming round. Give yourself some space and time to think whether you want to put up with this going forward. Also do you want this role model for your child?

Gloriosaford · 10/02/2024 00:12

He is doing this because you are a soft touch.
He is aware that you feel unable to confront him and he is manspreading himself all over your home, luxuriating while you bustle around, obeying him & kowtowing to him.
You will have to be strong & deal with him OP, people on here want to help you & can give tips & advice- many of us from personal experience!

The longer it goes on the more he gets used to it so the sooner you start to turn things around the better.
You dont have to tackle him head on, you dont have to have a conversation with him. You can start doing things differently, break the routines, stop making it so easy for him, etc.

Sweden99 · 10/02/2024 07:16

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:11

hi, looking for advice.

my boyfriend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

You should not see your 12 year old son as your boyfriend.
If he is not your son, it is even stranger.

Allmychickenscometoroost · 10/02/2024 07:48

You're so young op! you should be out there on your childfree days with your other half going on fun dates, not staying in cooking and doing his dirty laundry!!!

What are you teaching your dc about relationships? please think about this for a minute.

Honestly this man is the most unattractive sounding specimen ever, he's freeloading off you. Just write a generic text next time he's at his other mum's, 'sorry it's not working for me, take care.' Then refuse to discuss or engage otherwise he WILL suck you back in with promises of changes.

Newestname002 · 10/02/2024 07:51

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:08

@Wishimaywishimight i will be the first to admit i am a push over. I find it hard to tell him what to do

@Bittersweet25 i have made hints, quite obvious ones

Don't hint - tell him straight out that this relationship isn't working for you and you want out. People are often blind to hints or will just refuse anything not straight out spelled out to them. Tell him to collect his (dirty) washing from your laundry basket and to go home for good, leaving his keys to your home with you. Don't put off doing this because you feel you'll hurt his feelings - he will more than survive.

People will treat you how you let them OP - time to change your actions and stand up for yourself not just from this man but others who you let take advantage of you. Otherwise put up with this and have an unhappy future. 🌹

Howbizarre22 · 10/02/2024 07:55

How have you enabled this man child for so long? Stop being his mummy and doing every for him, tell him to contribute financially and to pull his weight. I say this but really I think this relationship is dead he sees you as his mum and you see him as your child wonder there’s no sex. Get rid and don’t allow this to happen again.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2024 11:18

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 20:52

@Riverlee i know that i have allowed this to happen. It had gotten me down quite a bit, i just feel a bit used

You're not being a bit used.

You are being completely used

PLEASE get rid of him.

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