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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like his mum, am i being used?

121 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:11

hi, looking for advice.

my boyfriend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:18

@PutMyFootIn he has bought flowers twice i think

OP posts:
PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 15:27

Good. Let's see how Valentine's Day pans out.

Mainats · 09/02/2024 15:32

God, I wish women would stop being so nice to piss-taking men.

MILTOBE · 09/02/2024 15:35

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

Honestly, you couldn't make it up. So he lives with his mum and then comes to yours where he treats you just like his mum?

You know now that he's a user, OP. Find your self respect and tell him it's over. Don't wait until Valentine's Day. Don't even wait until tonight. Just send him a message saying this isn't working out, that he's treating you like his mum and you want a proper partner not some lazy bloke who takes advantage of you.

It's lovely that you are a kind and caring person but save that for people who deserve it.

IDoLikeToBeByTheSea · 09/02/2024 15:39

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

Just ‘ick’

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:40

@MILTOBE When you put it like that, its pretty much what happens in a nutshell.

I am scared to hurt his feelings and say it isnt working because on the flip side of this we do have fun and a laugh together. But i cant shake this feeling in my gut

OP posts:
SamW98 · 09/02/2024 15:42

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:40

@MILTOBE When you put it like that, its pretty much what happens in a nutshell.

I am scared to hurt his feelings and say it isnt working because on the flip side of this we do have fun and a laugh together. But i cant shake this feeling in my gut

Why are you worried about hurting his feelings by being honest about yours? Why do his feelings matter more than yours?

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 15:42

What about your feelings, OP?

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:46

@SamW98 @LonginesPrime I am that stupid person that always put others first, and i have a fear of confrontation.

OP posts:
CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 09/02/2024 15:50

This is very sad but hopefully you can learn some valuable lessons, perhaps therapy?
Honestly you need to get out of this relationship so badly, he's taking money that could go towards your family. If you can't handle confrontation just text him and say you want to be single for a while, you don't have to get into specifics. Then block.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2024 16:06

Think about the example you are setting for your child because it's fucking awful, and I'm sorry, but you no longer have the luxury of hiding behind the lame excuse of not liking confrontation when this shitbag of a man is exploiting your financial resources which should be going towards your child. It's time to grow up and stop being such a doormat.

Uricon2 · 09/02/2024 16:18

If you don't confront it you'll be stuck in the situation possibly for ever, as it sounds like he's dead comfy.

You have a right to bail from any relationship that's not working and if "fun and a laugh" were adequate recompense for being a skivvy in an unfulfilling one, you wouldn't have posted this thread.

Don't be a doormat.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 09/02/2024 16:22

Mate, bin that limp dick.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2024 16:22

I would say all of that

Dave…I need to say something…you stay over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all your meals, wash the dishes and wash your clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. You contribute in anyway to household chores and don’t pay any money towards food or electric. I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role and it’s impacting our sex life as well

…

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 09/02/2024 16:25

Oh OP just get rid, you have no ties, this man brings nothing to your life. Find someone who finds life interesting and finds you interesting, someone who doesn't see you as a substitute mother.

Ahwelltoobad · 09/02/2024 16:35

Oy @mrsconsuelabananahammock! What would Phoebe do? She would not stand for it! You need to bring out the salty Phoebe in you, see at 2.45

No more Mrs Nice Bucket! 💪💪💪

Bookworm20 · 09/02/2024 16:43

Yes it sounds like he is using you. If he comes over this weekend try the following:

  1. I've a few things to do, can you sort the washing Dave, thanks.
  2. I really can't be bothered to cook, must be your turn, thanks.
  3. How about we make a dr appointment for your low libido, they may be able to help or suggest something.
lets see how many of those he is on board with. I'm guessing zero.

Honestly though, read back what you have put:

  1. He pays nothing towards anything at your house
  2. he gets his washing done
  3. he gets his dinners made (and i'm guessing never shops for ingredients)
  4. Makes you feel unattractive
  5. Doesn't want a sex life with you.
  6. Has bought you flowers/anything only twice in a year and a half
  7. Shows no appreciation for you whatsoever, in fact he shows contempt to be honest.
Tell him you have decided it isn't working. You thought you were in a relationship with an adult, but it appears you are not, and you don't date children. Oh and ensure he takes his dirty washing home to his mum on his way out.

Then get yourself a lovely takeaway to enjoy in peace.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 09/02/2024 16:45

You've only been dating 18 months!

You should be at it like bunny rabbits, with no time or energy to wash his dirty pants 🤢

He's using your home like a hotel, with free laundry service and you're not even getting laid or any real dates; what's the point?

businesshelp · 09/02/2024 16:49

Yuk I had one of these and I started to go off sex. He is looking for another mum-figure.
Dump him now, because it will get worse, trust me and the longer you spend with him, you are allowing him to rob years off you that you could be spending with a real man who contributes, and can actually have sex!!

The more I think about it, he's like another child to you.

Suggest that the next weekend, he's due to tell him in advance that you actually want to have the weekend for yourself. Actually, I would just end it. It's 2024, you can nip this in the bud now and enjoy the rest of the year. Or stay in this position and end up being more resentful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2024 16:56

"I am scared to hurt his feelings and say it isnt working because on the flip side of this we do have fun and a laugh together".

When does that happen these days?. Your relationship bar is so low here its pitiful as well as a crap example to show your child. Would you want your child as an adult to be in a relationship like this?. No and you would want better for them. You should demand better for your own self too.

As uricon2 writes, "if fun and a laugh were adequate recompense for being a skivvy in an unfulfilling one, you wouldn't have posted this thread".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I would actually consider seeking therapy to address your fear of confrontation. putting others first (like this man) to your overall detriment and your overall doormat behaviour. All this has led you to being with this man now and he has taken full advantage of your weak boundaries.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied as you are now.

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 16:57

@Ahwelltoobad i will bring back street Phoebe!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 16:58

@businesshelp he is like another child, and the lack of sex is making me less attracted to him

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 17:00

@AttilaTheMeerkat i didnt have a father figure growing up, he just walked away one day. Folllowing on from that my mother had a couple of boyfriends that were not great

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 09/02/2024 17:04

It's interesting that you sound really lovely yet you have no self-esteem, where he sounds really unattractive, personally, and has very high self-esteem.

He walks into your house every weekend, plonks himself down, eats your food, expects you to buy food, cook it and wash up afterwards, and also expects you to do his washing.

Can I place a bet? I bet you have to watch what he does on TV, don't you?

Perhaps the way you should look at it is this: you are giving him a lot of time, headspace and money. Each of those things are taken from you and your child.

Think about it: wouldn't you rather spend that money on your child or yourself? I reckon you could have a nice holiday each year with the money you spend on him.

Why not look at your banking app and figure out how much this man has cost you, then dump him and put that money aside for a bigger treat for you and your child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2024 17:05

mrsconsuelabananahammock

I am sorry to read that re your mum and dad. That was not your fault in any way but its all played into why you are acting as you are now as an adult when it comes to this man or even relationships generally.

You were certainly shown poor relationship examples by your parents and you still do not know what a mutually respectful relationship is. This current relationship you're in is certainly not respectful of you, he is taking advantage and you've allowed that up till now.

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