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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like his mum, am i being used?

121 replies

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:11

hi, looking for advice.

my boyfriend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

OP posts:
Jk987 · 09/02/2024 14:40

Where's the romance? Does he ever take you out, is he affectionate?

Has he got a decent job and his own place?

You need to have it out with him and speak honestly. Luckily you don't live together so I'd be thinking about splitting up.

Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 14:40

He deserves to be ghosted👻
Move house don't tell him block him on everything, at the very least stop being at home when he's due round.

Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 14:41

He will probably be trying to move in by stealth, if he leaves anything in your house you should burn it

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 14:42

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:19

@WhyIOughtTo because i said i would wash some bits, like pants and socks and he could have clean ones here, but im regretting that now

You can still say no - it's not like you did it once so you have to say yes every time!

Just tell him you're not doing his washing any more and if he still puts it in your laundry basket, just hand it back to him in a bag when he leaves.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 09/02/2024 14:43

Oh come on OP.

Read your post back to yourself - the answer will be blindingly obvious

MILTOBE · 09/02/2024 14:46

What I want to know is why he couldn't bring clean pants and socks with him, knowing he was going to stay with you.

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 14:53

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

Carry on doing it if you want to - it doesn't bother any of us whether it's his weekly washing or just a portion of it, as we're not the ones doing it!

Lianna077 · 09/02/2024 14:53

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 09/02/2024 14:43

Oh come on OP.

Read your post back to yourself - the answer will be blindingly obvious

This 100%

Wishimaywishimight · 09/02/2024 14:54

I just can't past the fact that you OFFERED to wash his pants and socks!

So if you do end up living with him (don't!) he will go straight from his mum looking after him to his girlfriend doing the same?

Hbosh · 09/02/2024 14:54

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

Riiiggghhhhttt.
Obviously he still lives with his mum.

Please don't waste any more of your time on this oversized toddler.
He's never growing up.

Jk987 · 09/02/2024 14:55

Oh no OP. His mum washes his clothes... How old is he? Why doesn't he do his own laundry?

You can do better, you know you can. Do you really love each other or is it just (in) convenience ?

ZenNudist · 09/02/2024 14:57

I would just dump him. It's not worth trying. If it were just domestic laziness and lack of contribution I'd say talk to him and give him a chance. As it's sexual issues too I'd just give up. Fighting a battle on too many fronts.

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:58

@Jk987 we are both late 20s, i should probably have mention that in my original post.

in the beginning yes, but now its just not what it was. He has got lazier, last weekend i was out all of sunday and he done nothing just lay on the sofa and made dirty dishes which i had to wash when i came home

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 09/02/2024 14:59

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:51

Its not all his weekly washing, its just what he arrives to my house from work in and what her wears while here. The rest of the time his mum washes clothes because he still lives at home

Bloody hell
this isn't normal, no. Please don't ever live with him!! Time to kick him to the kerb if I were you..

Lurkingandlearning · 09/02/2024 14:59

He’s getting a well deserved thumbs down here. Do you think you’ll be finishing with him now? I do hope so.

SamW98 · 09/02/2024 15:00

I wouldn’t expect a bf to contribute financially to my household expenses or do chores in my house when he’s staying over other than tidying up after himself. However I wouldn’t entertain doing his washing for him and I would expect him to buy takeaways, take us both out for dinner every couple of visits.

Why on earth was he lounging round yours when you weren’t even there?

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:00

@Lurkingandlearning i think its heading that way.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 09/02/2024 15:00

Of course he is using you. Raise your bar and dump this pathetic loser

Wishimaywishimight · 09/02/2024 15:00

mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 14:58

@Jk987 we are both late 20s, i should probably have mention that in my original post.

in the beginning yes, but now its just not what it was. He has got lazier, last weekend i was out all of sunday and he done nothing just lay on the sofa and made dirty dishes which i had to wash when i came home

You didn't "have to" wash his dirty dishes though, you chose to. If I came home to someone else's mess (when they didn't even live in the house) I would have asked him what his last slave died of and stood there until he got up and washed them himself.

You have taught him that you are happy to be his skivvy so he will make the most of it.

Bittersweet25 · 09/02/2024 15:01

Have you said anything to him, eg ‘Are you going to wash the dishes?’ Or ‘You can start doing your own washing now.’ Although no point even in that if you are in your 20s and not having sex!

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:08

@Wishimaywishimight i will be the first to admit i am a push over. I find it hard to tell him what to do

@Bittersweet25 i have made hints, quite obvious ones

OP posts:
PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 15:09

He's a young man in his 20's who doesn't want to have sex with you? I'm flabbergasted! He should be shagging the living daylights out of you!

Original poster
mrsconsuelabananahammock · 09/02/2024 15:11

@PutMyFootIn I have brought this up and he says he has low testosterone. I was ok with it, but the periods between sex are getting longer and i just feel unattractive because he has no interest at all

OP posts:
PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 15:16

I'd start looking around to be honest. See if I can do better. Are you exclusive?

Why not make plans to go with a pal this weekend.

When was the last time he brought you some flowers?