Feel like his mum, am i being used?

[mrsconsuelabananahammock]

hi, looking for advice.

my boyfriend stays over one night through the week and the whole weekend. While here i cook all his meals, wash the dishes and wash his clothes. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half now. He doesnt contribute in anyway to household chores and doesnt pay any money towards food or electric.

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

am i being used? is it normal for men to be like this? and should he contribute financially

Update

So i took your advice and last night i told him i dont think he should move in as i dont feel the same as i once did.
He asked if there was someone else, i said no because there isnt.
And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

I feel aweful, it has made me feel anxious and ill because i know i have hurt his feelings

What about your feelings? Why does him sulking take priority over you not wanting him moving in?

Put yourself first and stand your ground.

The fact that his reaction to the as to ask if there’s someone else and then ignore you because he didn’t get his own way speaks volumes.

Great but why not be completely honest? He contributes nothing and uses you- you need to let him know that it’s this behaviour that’s part of the problem. He needs to know what a useless user he’s been

I didn't want to make him feel bad by telling him all those things. And he didnt ask just went quiet

Well done !!!!
Next step is him leaving your house...

I don't think you have to tell him the details of why, it doesn't matter in the end and he'll just make promises he won't keep to suck you back in.

@mrsconsuelabananahammock, he will feel bad. Growling up is hard and he has over a decade of growing up to catch up on. He will have the shock of (likely) no women touching him with a barge pole when he is single. But it is for the best for him too as well as you.

So you can’t be honest with him and yet you feel bad not wanting him to live under your roof and leech even more from you?

Stop worrying about how he feels and put yourself first.

Hes sulking and acting like the child he has shown himself to be because his cushy meal ticket lifestyle might be falling through

How depressing, that this is his idea of how men and women relate in an adult relationship. I wonder if the housing crisis is creating a generation of men who think washing machines, cooking stoves, shopping trolleys and hoovers can only be operated with a magic key kept in women's.. well you get the idea.

Hopefully not all the men stuck wiht their parents have useless Dads, but sounds like this bloke might!

It's very human to feel bad when we think we 've hurt someone. It shows you are a caring person, and that's a good thing! That said, you still did the right thing, you can't stay with him to be nice. You did feel like his mum, and you were being used (whether he meant to or not). Be extra kind to yourself and your child this week, and treat yourselves a bit. You did what is best for your VIP family unit. ❤

@mrsconsuelabananahammock

And he didn't speak to me the rest of the night.
We went to bed and he never said a word.

You've made a good first step OP BUT you also need to stop all the things you've been doing for him or he'll just take one message on board (not moving in together) and keep doing everything else.

Do read your first post again, particularly this:

I feel as if i have taken on a sort of mum role, (things in the bedroom have also died) i already have a child and im not really looking for another human to take care of.

if you really want him to step up as a partner you do need to spell it out or he'll continue to behave the same way as he's doing now, except not moving in. If you want out of the relationship and not to come round at all then do tell him that too. He's got things pretty cosy with you now and is likely to maintain the status quo if you don't say exactly what you need to happen. 🌹

At some point, mum has to stop spoiling their child and set them out the house to look after themselves.

I feel for you OP. I share some of your traits - crap childhood also.

I'm 25 years older though. I can tell you that he's heard only that his moving in is postponed. He will not reflect on anything you've said, he's not bothered.
You won't be able to help him think more and see his mistakes, apologise and develop. Nothing you say or do will help him.

I wish you would wait til he goes home and then message to say you don't want the relationship any more.

Someone upthread said you should tell him the issues - that he needs to know. I think you would gain nothing from that convo and it would make you anxious.

Also, when you mention the positives - laughs, fun, affection...these are in play between you because of....YOU.

YOU'RE good company, accommodating, willing and energetic. It's YOU making things good. You can have that with mates, your DC and the bloke(s) you'll date, when you're ready.

I hope you give yourself time to think and (start to) realise your worth.

Next time you empty the washing basket put his sruff in a carrier bag and not the washing machine and hand it to him on his way out of the door.

You’ve been much too kind, OP. As PP said, he doesn’t even make the grade as a cocklodger! He’s using you. Men like this don’t change.

Look at it this way OP:

• every mouthful he eats, every wine glass he drinks, every hot shower he takes is taking money from your kid

• every wash load of his you sort, every pile.of his dishes you wash, every minute you spend thinking about the useless lump is time he is taking you away from your kid.

• every time your kid sees you waiting on him, clearing up after him, and him giving nothing back he's teaching your kid how to behave as a teen/adult and how they don't need to treat you or anyone else with any respect.

If you can't don't for yourself OP do it for your kid - they are often brilliant motivation!

I think you need to do an assertiveness course

His feelings aren't more important that yours

And if you can't talk to him then the relationship is dead in the water anyway

Come on, op, he went quiet because he's hoping you'll just shut up and let things continue on as they are. This man will never change.

Don't back down now Op.

You don't owe him an explanation why you don't want him to move in, but you shouldn't feel bad about explaining it to him. Otherwise he may see you as the 'bad guy' who just changed her mind for no good reason.

It also means that he'll think there is still hope, as you don't appear to have a good reason for it.

So don't feel frightened of telling him. You'd only be telling him the truth. If that truth hurts, well that's on him. As it's him that's created this situation. Do you think he's spent any time worrying about your feelings while he's been using you all this time, sponging off you, using you as his housemaid and cook??

I worry that you've just said you don't want to move in, rather than you want to end it with him. This isn't a good relationship even if you live apart. He is selfish and immature and uses you. Those things will still remain if you keep dating. And he'll always be trying to work his way back into your house. Because then he can be looked after and do nothing and spend your money rather than his own.

He will now be hoping you didn't mean it / will forget you said it / he can convince you he's a great bf for long enough to get you to change your mind.

But don't back down. You know who he is. You know this isn't a good relationship for you. And it's awful for your child to see. Raise the matter again today. And again tomorrow if you have to. Tell him to leave, and quickly. He has nor right being in your home once you've asked him to leave.

He left his toenail clippings on your coffee table after you'd said you didn't want him to move in with you.

Let that sink in.

Well done on confronting him. It’s always difficult and feeling bad is a natural reaction.

Yes, hes bound to feel upset, because he’s not used to you standing up for yourself, and his easy life is coming to an end.

However, remember what you wrote in your op. He’s not there full time and you’re already doing all the ‘wife work’. He just sits down on his backside and does nothing. As you said, you want a partner, not another child.

This man is a guest in your home and yet he is sulking, ignoring in your own home, you have all the power here but you are letting him dominate you. He cares nothing whatsoever for your feelings you should not care about his.
He is a passenger not a partner. He is a freeloader, happily and knowingly exploiting you, letting you do all the work so that he can have an easy life.
Well done for standing up to him, he intends for you to feel anxious and ill, he doesn't care about you he just cares about getting what he wants, he is completely selfish.