Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

Get him asked in the garden and when you’re home working he has to go in it . Or get yourself a home office in the garden

I really do feel for you, OP. Even if it is his illness, you don't have to be his carer in your forties. In addition to doing everything else.You could have another 40 years of this!

I would never walk away from my DC, but I would from my DH, if he behaved this way.

*a shed!

Have you ever considered the fact there are significant benefits to him staying "depressed"? And that actually... perhaps he isn't really depressed at all as much as he says he is.

The simple truth is that while you are living a life and meeting petite and working and going about your business, every single day you are growing and evolving as a person and he is stagnating and sitting at home. You are growing apart and that's ok. You do not need to remain in the same track. The chances of you staying together and being happy are slim as he has already opted out of visiting family with you, working, taking you out for lunch/cinema means etc. if you WANT to save the relationship then tell him he needs to change a bit as a compromise or you will be changing everything to specifically suit you ( and that means sitting and not living together).

@Longingforsummer583 I would leave him too it - you are living a half life and clearly deserve a lot more

Full rate pip doesn’t bring in a fortune. Is he on any other benefits.

Can you sell the house (force a sale) without divorcing and take your half and move out with the kids? Don’t divorce just separate, handle the assets, and move on. He can move home with his mom or live in a flat. Don’t divorce until you are in a more powerful position.

I think the key is about him trying to get better, trying to follow medical advice to help with his illness, symptoms, pain, etc.

It is very well known that depression responds so well to more physical activity outdoors and exercise. If he refuses to go out, be it with the dog or with you, the children, or on his own, he won't get better. If he doesn't want to get better, and just uses it all as an excuse for doing nothing- how long will you sacrifice your own life to support him. At some point, you have have to walk away, even if you take a financial hit.

Does he have any other health issues? Does he drink and smoke to excess too?

Do this! And have him pay from savings!!

If he’s on full rate pop he’s not well enough to look after children. So custody would go to you. The mobility element is about ability to leave the house/planning journeys.

If he’s on full rate he would be struggling with these. So how could he give your dc a proper life?

On days when supposed to be working from home I would go to a suitable coffee shop or local library and work from there.

@Longingforsummer583 I feel for you. If you can bear to do it tonight, read through this thread and pick out the bits of advice you can work with.

I worry that you are unfairly financially vulnerable, so I suggest getting legal advice from CAB or a solicitor who is knowledgeable about the kind of situation in which you find yourself, whether you think you will stay or leave. Have you Power of Attorney? (Advisable in MH cases.)

Quite honestly, I think you need to think about yourself and your own needs; they seem to extend well beyond a few occasional hours in the house on your own.

Best wishes.

OP, this sounds awful. He just isn’t prepared to take an active part in his recovery. I’d stop doing anything for him. If possible, move to a separate room and live apart from him. He can do his own shopping, cooking etc.

Would he really become the primary carer for children when he can’t care for himself?

I would start gathering evidence to prove what you do to support the family and what he does.

This is a situation which can’t go on. The depression isn’t the issue, it’s his lack responsibility for it which is. You deserve better.

Go and see a solicitor. It’s intolerable to live like this

That sounds like a really good idea! Could it work for your family?

Who does school run and cooks meals?

to me it seems clear he is taking the pi$$, OP I would cut my losses and make a good plan

Yep, of course he will - see my previous comment about him needing to make OP the perpetrator in order to maintain his status as The One True Victim.

I still don't see any reason why OP should be making his life comfortable in this dynamic and facilitating it.

Op though he must know that he won’t be in a fit state to return to work in three years if he stays as he is. He will need to build up his fitness and resilience in order to return properly to ft employment. It’s not just about what he won’t do atm; it’s his fitness and energy dissipating every day that will eventually take its toll.

One would hope that he is not taking the piss. Surely no one chooses to live like this and not see their family? He obviously needs assessing for autism or further help for anxiety or depression.

@roses321 we don't know how mentally unwell OPs husband is though. We can only go on what is shared here.

I disagree that he can force himself to do things he doesn't want to do as it sounds like it is a huge effort to do the things that he doesn't mind doing. Small steps are needed and these small steps will be absolutely huge to him. I can sometimes go to the shop but going to the gym would be a complete no for me. It's what each person can cope with.

I apologise if I have made you feel shamed, that was not my intention but your language directed towards me was harsh and unnecessary and I thought a little more compassion could be shown. We are all guilty of being biased towards our own experiences, as you are also as you are saying he could just force himself to get up and do things because you could. We are all different and depression is not the same for every person.

It will inevitably be easier for the OPs husband to do things that he wants to do as there is the motivation to do it and push himself. If it's something he doesn't want to do, there will be no motivation or discipline to do it while he's unwell.

I do have sympathy towards the OPs husband as I am the same way. I hate going out, hate socialising, would love to live my life in my house. I would be deeply hurt if my DH had the opinion of a lot of posters on here.

I agree that to recover, he needs to push himself but he needs to get to that point where he can push himself and I don't think he is there yet. I can't push myself to do certain things, it's just too much for me.

My daughter was that bad but thankfully she is on the road to recovery but it's a long process.

I always appreciate a discussion and differing opinions but I don't appreciate being told to 'get a grip' which you have now done twice.

I think you need to question that legal advice re finances. He only has savings from what he used to earn because you stayed at home to look after the children and him: the pot of money therefore belongs to both of you.
You say the solicitors want it to be fair going forward- why is it fair for him to be enabled to buy a house when you will likely have to rent? That doesn't make sense at all. I would go to a different solicitor and ask them this.

He needs some assigned jobs that take him out of the house

firstly the dog needs to be his job and that will help him get in exercising.

doing the weekly shop.

and maybe you can do a weekly walk together to help enjoy each others company outside of the house?

I would still go into the office, it's not a wfh home job so you can if you need.

just fib and say your home wifi is terrible.

I think you need to move out.

You are not happy and this isn’t going to change.

You’ve spent 10 years being unhappy and it’s time to put a plan in place so you don’t end up spending another 10 years unhappy.

It is really unprofessional of doctors to tell you he will get better in 6 months, no one can know how long it will take!