Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

I'm sorry but bullshit on this one.

Like any sickness that anyone has, you treat it and you fight it. With depression, if you want to fight it and treat it, that involves you doing some ACTUAL WORK.

Like I said in my last post, I know what it's like to not want to get out of bed/go out/do anything but at the same time you NEED to fight that. If you're going to just lay down and accept "this is how it is" then accept the consequences that come with it.

Depression can be treated a number of ways, with medication, counselling and also DOING THINGS. Diabetics have to manage their diet, people with eczema have to manage what they put on their skin, people with chronic pain have to manage it in various ways and the same is the case for depression.

OPs husband is getting "treatment" and then going home and being like "well i've done my bit what else do you want". He's taking fuck all responsibility for his own recovery and expecting his poor wife to work her ass off, cover their bills and have absolutely no peace because "he's depressed".

Fuck that. Because do you know what it'll result in? TWO depressed people rather than one. And what happens when she can't pay the bills because she takes a leaf out of his book and decides SHE can't be bothered to go out either.

Get a grip ffs.

how old are your kids op? you might want to wait until he isn’t their “primary carer” and hence no bigger entitlement than you; or otherwise you might want to stop working too, in preparation for your divorce...

(btw how can he be classed as a carer if he is depressed?)

@roses321 I can't speak for your experiences or what you have been through but I would have hoped you would have had more understanding and compassion if you have also experienced depression.

The ideal scenario would be him forcing himself to do things and taking small steps each week to recover but if you're depression is that bad, you're not going to want to do that. You have literally given up on life when that poorly, hence why people attempt or commit suicide.

My daughter has severe depression to the point where she would urinate on her bed and sit in it, not eat or drink, sit staring at the floor and not leave her bedroom. Would I abandon her because she irritates me and it's hard? Hell no, because I love her and she needs support to pull through it despite it also affecting my own mental health.

People have become way too focussed on their own needs when others are unwell.

At the end of the day, he can see all the mental health people he wants, but he'll never improve if he doesn't want to. It sounds to me like him thinking his issue is "more serious" than other peoples in the family means that he's taking on the role of a victim and as a result he's going to live by that and fuck how anyone else feels.

THIS. And in order to be the One True Victim he will need to portray you as the Persecutor - it's a well known dynamic in psychology. No wonder his team are telling you to back off, god knows what he is telling them about you behind your back.

He's right where he wants to be - living a lazy life at home and to hell with anybody else's needs.

In all brutal honesty, you can make life comfortable for him in this dynamic, or you can make it uncomfortable for him. I know one thing for sure though, he intends to be comfortable in this dynamic being provided for.

I sympathize OP, I would hate this too. At least there is the gardening in the summer, do you have a shed/summerhouse? Somebody mentioned getting a dog for him to walk - is this an option for you?

It's a different dynamic when it's your child though.

And in all dynamics, the people who aren't suffering with depression also have needs that it's ALSO important to get met - not meeting them is why carer fatigue is so darn common.

It is not a zero sum game. It (usually) doesn't need to be one persons needs vs at the total expense of another person's needs.

@ThereIbledit Oh absolutely, carer burnout is very common and carers also need to look after themselves too.

My DD is 20 now so I could put her in supported living to have an easier life and not have to care for her but never in a million years would I do that.

I understand what you mean about different dynamics but likewise, if my husband was unwell, I wouldn't care about myself and I would do everything I could to get him through it. That's where I think the problem is though, I'm not sure it's OPs husbands illness that is the sole problem, I think she just doesn't like him anymore and the connection and relationship just isn't there.

He's not in recovery. He's simply tailored his life around him to suit him. And by default, he's the ringmaster of your family circus. Bugger what you all think and need.

I seriously would be talking to his GP and MH team because I'd agree that they're just enabling him to stay in a place which doesn't challenge him. And truthfully, you're enabling it too. That's not progress - it's apathy.

In all brutal honesty, you can make life comfortable for him in this dynamic, or you can make it uncomfortable for him. I know one thing for sure though, he intends to be comfortable in this dynamic being provided for
@ThereIbledit
I agree but he (surely?) knows that his choices have left her stressed & very rattled. So she's on the back foot and he has his position sanctioned by medical professionals- he's dug in for the long haul. If she takes any measures to disrupt his cosy set up he will (I assume) accuse her of sabotaging his mental health?

I was wondering what your job is OP and whether there is any chance of further progression/ promotion so you can earn more, possibly with training?

And also about your friendship network - do you have friends that you can go out with, for a drink / meal, exercise, a weekend away maybe?

I think you need to focus on making your life the best it can be for the present and with a plan for the future - whether this includes your partner or not, these things will always be of benefit to you .

Is he on any medication OP? Apologies if you've already said and I've missed it.

Do you enable him in any way? I really don’t mean that in a victim blaming kind of way, but do you unconsciously enable him to stay at home by providing what he needs. Do you shop for him etc? Do you try and force the issue regarding the two of you having a day out? I am trying to think of a way you could force him out of the house even if it’s is only to go to a shop. It sounds like he is living the life he wants without any consequences . Whatever, you have a right to protect your mental health too. Depressed people can be very selfish, they don’t necessarily mean to be but they become very focused on their own needs.

It sounds from this thread that a lot of mental health teams seem to be kicking the can down the road. And not adequately supporting people to take steps towards recovery. Wonder what’s in it for them? Why aren’t they more motivated to help people get better?

I agree that Op’s husband life sounds very unhealthy and unfair to his family, his team is failing him and by extension OP and her kids too.

I also stopped treatment partly because the mental health people I saw were very negative. I have a feeling if I turned up with someone who was looking after me, they'd be even more inclined to tell me to lean heavily on that person and do nothing.

I recognise that strategy of telling their patients to lean heavily on someone. I have a friend who has a live in partner/father of her kids. He provides no emotional support. I was kind of leaned on for that a lot over the years. But it got to the stage she was trauma dumping daily about various things from her past.

I’m I recommended she access therapy which she did get in the end via NHS. She spoke about her life to the therapist every week and according to her the therapist had picked up I was this great supportive force for good in her life, and basically encouraged her to offload her worries onto me.

I remember thinking, has this therapist even thought to ask my friend “who does Swizzlers have supporting her?” before she just happily pushes her patient towards me? I’ve had to redirect my friend to do things like journaling and physical exercise. She doesn’t take up all my suggestions but I’ve made it clear she can’t depend on me for everything. How she feels may not be her fault, but the responsibility for dealing with her feelings and mental health lie with her.

How big is your home? Can you set some ground rules so he doesn't encroach on your space at all when you are working from home?
I know how exhausting arguments are - this is why I live alone. Someone in the house 24/7 would do my head in. I can't stand it.

can you sign him up to a gym and ask him to try it for a week. Three times a week - out of the house for a couple of hours - it would also be good for his mental and physical health.
And gets him out of your hair.
why doesn’t he walk the dog? I understand depression can affect these things - but maybe he could try it once a week and ramp up.
if he says no - it does sound like you are incompatible and have different directions in life

Get him a dog , book him on dog lessons and something with the dog for a few hours . Or be honest and tell him you need time alone away from him in your home . Would a man cave work for him ? Does he enjoy any hobbies ?

Can you leave and rent a small place close by just for yourself? See the kids, but leave them ‘living’ in the main house with him. He can use his savings to maintain himself, you can cook for yourself and the kids? See what happens over 6 months? You’ll either need to sell the main house and split, or he’ll buck his ideas up!

Living with someone with poor MH really takes it's toll on you and it is unfair of him to expect you to carry on as normal. MH services often focus on the poorly person and not the carer.

What is his CPN doing to help him, have they got peer support for him, is he engaging in any type of therapy, has she offered family therapy, does he take suitable medication? Has he been referred for employment support (not DWP) even for voluntary work, because he is very young to never work again.

If he refuses to engage then you need a conversation about how much support you can realistically offer and the reality of your relationship and whether it can survive his choices. You cannot sacrifice your own health for his, not indefinitely.

My DH has long term poor MH and has been hospitalised with major depression and relapses and he has other medical complications and co morbidities but he works, except for when he is in hospital or recovering. I know not everyone can but for him it is a positive in his life and one of his protective factors.

Are you involved in his care plan with his CPN. What are they doing to support you, have you had a carers assessment? This really is not all about him, or it shouldn't be.

Who does all the housework and kid stuff?
Why is he the main carer and not you? Does he do stuff for them or do you?

Your daughter sounds like she has extremely severe depression. That is not the same thing as OPs husband is it?

If he can potter around, go to the shops, do some gardening and whatnot, then he can f'ing well go to the gym and force himself to do things he doesn't want to do. It isn't the same as someone being basically catatonic due to severe depression as you've described your daughter being. To literally be too depressed to even get up and go to the toilet is severe.

I do not appreciate being shamed by someone like you, who is by the way heavily biased towards her own experiences, or you shaming op because of the same. Your daughters situation is from what you have described entirely different and I would expect you to have the common sense to know that.

I find it interesting that OPs husband is capable of things when he chooses to be, but not when he doesn't want to be. Does your daughter behave that way? It doesn't sound like it to me.

As a result, given what OP has said in her post, my sympathy towards him is limited, and I'd hope yours would be as well towards your daughter if she were exhibiting the same behaviour. Why? Because fighting a disease is hard in pretty much all cases, there are some who are so heavily burdened that they need help, but there are some who need to muster the strength because it is demonstrably shown to be there - as is the case with both myself and OPs husband.

There are many times I don't want to go to the gym because I feel down, but is that a good enough reason not to? Sometimes yes, but most of the time actually no. If I want to beat this thing then I need to get uncomfortable sometimes. The same is true of OPs husband because he's dragging everyone else down with him, not least the very woman who is going out, working and paying the bills while he sits at home doing a bit of weeding every now and then.

If your daughter is out there weeding rather than lying in bed absolutely incapacitated by depression then you need to get a grip, but if she genuinely is that bad then my heart goes out to you, and again, that situation is entirely different. Have some perspective.

I would leave. This is no way to live. And I think you are right that it wont get better. Early 40s is the prime of your life. Leave him to Cash in the Attic.
I might try talking first. Tell him you have to see evidence that he is actively working on his mental health. Time outside every day is proven to help with recovery. Insist that he walks the dog and does all the shopping. Insist that he takes some form of additional exercise twice a week. Insist that he comes out with you twice a month, once as a family and once as a couple. Tell him that you need him to do these things for your mental health, because otherwise you will continue to feel like the living dead.

Are you sure he can't work? I have C-PTSD with hallucinations and I hear voices. I also have night panic attacks that are so bad that I feel paralysed.
I HAVE to work because I have a mortgage and no partner so there is literally nobody to pay my bills. Yet here I am working and putting on a good face, when I get home I go to bed early. I see a psychiatrist once a month and take my medication religiously.
I have a friend who is in a terrible physical state but still works because again there is nobody to pay her bills. We try to support each other as much as we can.
It sounds to me and though he is more than happy being off and not doing enough to a) get better and b) support his family.
I find if people have someone else to pay the bills they don't even try to do either of those things.
I'm not being mean, it's how it is.

That's different, when you have kids you are choosing to sign up to something where you are giving care and not receiving it, when you get married you are signing up to a partnership where both of you are supposed to be giving and receiving and op's husband is just receiving. Would he do the same for her if she was just sitting at home and not doing any housework or childcare? I think we all know the answer to that

Have you had counselling to see if you can find out ultimately what you want for yourself? This sounds so mentally draining for you & he doesn’t seem to be considering you at all, he sounds incredibly dependent on you. He couldn’t just take himself for a walk / bike ride / to the cinema /coffee? Maybe you can envisage a much happier life without him, although this is a process with home / children etc.

We already have a dog.
He would never go to the gym or hobbies as I've already said. This is deeply entrenched in him for years , he just will not do those things. He won't even see his own family , or go for a walk in the park-, a gym would be impossible for him. Or so he makes out. That's what has made me feel this way because I don't know what is truly his illness and what is just him trying to get out of stuff. I lean towards the latter .
I can't see a future for us because I hold such anger and resentment now, and everything about him has become so difficult for me I can't see a happy relationship for us going forwards
Since this started it was like our life had stopped and we were in a limbo which I accepted , waiting for him to get better in 6 months (that's what doctors told us) here we are nearly 2 years down the line and it's still the same. Life is still on hold. But I think it's permanent for him .
He does not need to go back to work for at least 3 years because he has the benefits so it's perfect for him