Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

I agree. My DD has been unwell for over a year now and I've had agoraphobia, depression and anxiety for 27 years. It's sometimes a lifelong thing.

Another one questioning the financial advice you were given. Your inheritance, his savings. Surely you find a way to split evenly? He sounds lazy, despite the depression. Only early 40s!!! You could have another 50 years of this, OP! You and the DC deserve so much more.

Me, too.

I'm stuck at home a lot, but due to mobility and pain problems. My husband works from home a lot, but we do manage to find space for ourselves. I know that, sometimes, you do get under each other's feet, but I'm happy in both my own company and his. And I miss him like mad when he's out.

It doesn't sound that way for you. Can you go back to being fully office based? Have you spoken to your husband and asked him to get out & about by himself more; gym, swimming, a simple walk? I imagine that'll sound difficult to him, but it might help his mental health in the long run.

This must be really depressing for you, and obviously him, will he not consider antidepressants? I feel it will be hard to change him if he claims to be 'happy' at home doing nothing. Would you have space to build an office"shed' in the garden for you to work in/chill in so you felt you were further away from him and not physically in the house? That would also give him a reason to go out as you'll need stuff from his beloved B&Q.

You do all shopping, carrying bags, washing, tidying etc? He basically just sits in the house from the minute he wakes up until he goes to sleep?

I'm sorry but as a carer for family members (who has needed family members to care for me for a few months at a time, too) - lovingly, "likewise, if my husband was unwell, I wouldn't care about myself and I would do everything I could to get him through it." just is not a healthy or sustainable attitude. You need to care about yourself. Carers need to look after their own mental health, and, harsh as I sound, their caring for their family should not be at the expense of all costs to themselves. Yes absolutely being a family carer often looks like having a reduced quality of life, much less freedom, free time, time off, etc etc etc but we still need to get our own needs met - including our mental health ones. As you can tell, I feel passionately about this.

Back to the OP - she isn't her DH's carer, and she has been supportive for him trying to recover - it's just that it seems to have plateaued and she strongly suspects he is taking the piss now and has no intention of helping himself to live a better life. She can't do for him if he won't be helped, but she could if she was silly easily burn out trying.

@ThereIbledit I do agree with you but that's just how I am and I suppose I can't understand putting myself before others. I couldn't even comprehend doing that if someone needed my help. It's probably not healthy like you say but I would have massive guilt if I didn't care for those who needed caring for. I come last, that's just how I am.

I appreciate not everyone has that view though.

it sounds like the marriage is over tbh.
i was in a similar position and it gave me massive massive self-gaslighting hideous anxiety knowing that i was never going to be alone again.

fast forward some time (the person left my house) and being alone is an utter joy to me.

@Longingforsummer583 I have a similar problem since covid and can relate, albeit its better now and in our case both of us are more homebound and both of us need alone time at home to recharge. I do have a couple of friends so 1-2 evenings of the week I go see them (and he gets the alone time at home) and he is out 1 - 2 evenings too (and I get the alone time). Some weeks it doesnt happen and I do not hesitate to take myself off to a different room, say the bedroom, for the evening to recharge (and he has the living room). We try and find little ways to make some alone time at home for ourselves. We both appreciate it so it doesnt feel awkward.

Can you ask him for alone time? Can you tell him once a week he has to go away and sit in the pub for the evening (you can buy his beer and he can make you a bath before he goes)? Also can you try to organise the odd dinner or movie night? Take care xx

This. With bells on.

Young teens so potentially two kids between 11 and 14. You have years before they leave school, years before they leave home for uni (if they go at all) and years before they will see you have a normal life, or live in a home where their friends can visit, or they can do normal things albeit just with you.

I'm not sure what's worse, heading off to uni and suddenly finding your home is for sale, you're moving house, your possessions are in boxes and you no longer live near your lifetime friends/favourite pub or whatever. Do it now, give them a chance to become accustomed to this. Don't spend the next 5 or 6 years living in misery and making them do the same.

Going for a walk is great for depression. If he needs a purpose going out, he's in luck, the dog will love it. He needs a new therapist. If he's totally against all of this, if he is unwilling to work on himself, to find new purpose in life, then I'd leave him.

Your kids are old enough to decide who they live with and on what pattern. Likewise you could argue that the fact he is on highest rate of PIP means he is incapable of looking after them as he hasn’t actually looked after them all this time.

So there is no reason he would get the house/kids and leave you skint.

Have you ever spoken to him and said that unless he is willing to make the effort to try and do more, then you’re out? What do you think he would say to this.

Get some new legal advice, talk to him, then divorce him.

Is this what you want as a role model for your children OP?
This is way more fundamental than wanting a few hours to yourself in the house .

If finances allow, and your garden is big enough I would get an outside office / garden room / lounge (the nice ones that are wood clad, fully insulated, TV etc) and either you work out there or he spends some of his time out there so you have some space. A few years ago you could get one for 15k but this might have gone up quite a bit now

I have had chronic major depression which morphed into bipolar
I engaged with treatment, support and tried so hard to recover as I wanted a " normal life" for myself and my DC
Your DH is happy with existing and won't even try to improve
You have his weight on your shoulders crushing the life out of you.
You need to break free, emotionally and literally to find joy in life
I think you'll be better off financially in divorce than you think
When he is sat on the sofa, gather as much financial information as you can find. For example in a long marriage you will be entitled to half of his pension
Money isn't everything, it certainly won't buy you happiness

@thingscanonlygetworse

why can you not have any empathy for OP?

Take advice from a different solicitor and make a plan to leave him. You only get one life.

Get a better solicitor.
As young teens who they go to is partly up to them. Enable them to be selfish and say what they really think. Have honest discussions away from home. And get their school to recognise them as young carers.
And the starting point is that 50% of everything goes to each of you, this includes "his savings" and his pension.

Op. Completely understand. I think everyone needs alone time in their own house. It’s rare for me but very precious.

Do you have a sex life? Who does all the house work?

Life is too short. You have already spent 2 years feeling miserable, how many more do you want to waste on this man? Make plans and leave him!

Definitely see another solicitor, but I'd also go to Relate or something similar on your own just a couple of appointments because you really need sound advice. I can feel the desperation and claustrophobia in your posts and this man is gaslighting you - I'd go so far as to say its a form of coercive abuse.

I've tried to leave a 35 year marriage recently, my ex-H did similar stuff (although he wasn't being treated for depression at the time), I worked from home and he'd insist he was entitled to sit in the same room with me all day every day. I actually divorced him but we are still trapped in the same house we can't sell. Obvs bit more to it than that but just wanted offer some virtual support. I see you @Longingforsummer583.

Blimey, just leave. It sounds miserable. You only have one life after all.

I bet if you left, he would soon buck up - he would have to wouldn’t he. At the moment you are still there doing it all, so he has no reason to change.

I have sympathy for you OP. It's hard to live with someone with depression and who doesn't want to leave the house. I also understand your need for time on your own.

There was a thread on here about husband inertia which is when you can't do anything around the house because your husband is there. It's a real thing and can drive you crazy, especially in your situation where he's always in.

I also have sympathy for your husband as I am in a similar situation, however I wonder how much your husband is helping himself.

I do agree with some PPs, he needs jobs to do to give him purpose. If he went out with the dog he may actually enjoy it. He might not be able to do it every day but even once a week. Could he do the weekly shop or order it online but pick it up? Can you delegate any jobs to him? Tell him that you can't do it all and he needs to take responsibility for X, Y and Z.

I hope things improve for you OP.

It's solid advice. Cooing some empty phrases about how sorry I am doesn't make me more empathetic than someone who has a strong reaction like the one above; to me it actually conveys compassion because of its wording.

Could you work in the library? It would get you out of the house, coffee is free (at least it is in our library) and it's lovely and warm!