Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

This is interesting

what would he do if he lived alone?

I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting PIP even though the doctor suggested it

I also stopped treatment partly because the mental health people I saw were very negative. I have a feeling if I turned up with someone who was looking after me, they'd be even more inclined to tell me to lean heavily on that person and do nothing.

I partly had a breakdown because of caring for my elderly mother. There is a horrible domino effect at play in looking after people.

I note some other posters have bluntly said that he's played you...I did wonder that ....but he got PIP? Is he on heavy meds? I felt they were dragging me down too, the meds.

I had a whole thread going in summer about recovery from a breakdown and many posters felt they were being over medicated. I understand the horrible experiments between over/under. I'm guessing he's done those?

On the flip side, about 20 years ago, I remember reading something by a psychiatrist saying that for some people, the advantage of not coping is that people will step in and do it for you. I remember thinking "what people" but perhaps you are the person doing that?

How can he be classified as the primary carer for the kids, what does he do for them?

The OP says he has a mental health nurse, so he's being treated, and she says that he actually does go out for certain things, apparently without getting anxious about it, so it doesn't sound quite like your situation.

My DH works from home and has no friends . He is always at home. I’ve had two children in 3 years so have been off for the past 3 years due to maternity . I wish DH would leave the house . It leads to so much bickering . I have recently made a few friends and am starting to see them now baby is older .I feel almost guilty for going out but I can’t stay home forever. I feel slightly trapped by DH as he has no life so I’m his world . sometimes it’s too much. He never leaves me alone even when he is WFH . Constantly coming to see me ! Do I want tea? He always gives an opinion on everything. I feel he has sort of ruined my maternity leaves as his constant presence and questions and opinions take away from my time with babies. I am starting a job on first of March . I can’t wait . It will cost more in daycare than I earn but my sanity needs it ..

I have agoraphobia and social anxiety which came to a head in 2012 with a prolonged period of being housebound.

however mental health professionals did absolutely everything they could to get me back out the door. Gradual exposure, CBT, medication, all of it.
and I did get better thank god - but I also really wanted to. I find it bizarre that the OP’s husband’s mental health team are saying it’s ok for him to stay home all the time. It is terrible for mental health and they should be going in the other direction

I agree that his mental health team should be supporting him to leave the house.

God he is killing you softly!

Just Spell. It. Out. To. Him.

do you even love him? I’m a bit of a homebody and gosh I love being at home but I love going out with my family and occasionally other people. I’m wondering if my dh thinks like you a little!

Tell him you are serious about splitting and ask what he has in the savings?

or consider nesting together and don’t move a muscle until he has a job? Then the house might be split equally

realistically no one on here can change your husband so unless you take action you are stuck

Is this really about him being in the house or is it about how he is spending his time? You mention being upset seeing him watching tv. Was it interfering with your work or were you just annoyed he was being unproductive?

I rarely leave my home because of a disability. DH stays home
because he is immune compromised. We wfh and get almost everything delivered. Both dh and I get plenty of alone time at home because we set up our house to give ourselves both a space to hang out and engage in our hobbies. We respect that we need time both together and separate.

I don’t think your problem is that he is in the house. I think your problem is that you don’t agree with how he is spending his time. I don’t disagree with you. If he isn’t going to work, he should be taking an active role in running the household. No matter what difficulties we face, our responsibilities as parents don’t stop completely.

Op has explained that they already have a dog which she walks and looks after.

He is early 40s and kids are young teenagers .

They make the suggestion for him to do more, then he will tell them he doesn't want to and then they that's fine. I then push back and say its not fine, he exists on the sofa and that's when they tell me he will do it in his own time. No he won't!! He has no intention of it

I stay because of the kids, and the financial impact on them. Once they are older I'll be off like a shot.

OP, I suffer from depression and I completely and utterly understand him not wanting to go out. There are times when I have literally wanted to stay in the house and go nowhere, and have stayed indoors for days.

However, and it is a big however, your husbands selfishness is still unacceptable regardless or not as to whether he suffers from depression.

At the end of the day, he can see all the mental health people he wants, but he'll never improve if he doesn't want to. It sounds to me like him thinking his issue is "more serious" than other peoples in the family means that he's taking on the role of a victim and as a result he's going to live by that and fuck how anyone else feels.

To be honest with you, I would explain how you feel, and I'd say that if it carries on you'll consider divorce because ultimately just because his mental health isn't good, doesn't mean yours should be dragged down with it while he gets to check out of the entire thing "because he's got depression".

Alistair Campbell actually wrote a great book about depression and handling it, he might want to read that. He's got you doing all the wage earning while he basically sits at home doing what he wants, and that is NOT a cure for depression. Going to the gym, eating well, sleeping well and believe it or not helping other people are good things to do for helping depression.

As my counsellor says to me: Depression wants you to be alone, it wants to stop you exercising, it wants to stop you seeing people, it wants you to indoors doing nothing all day. Your husband is giving in to the wants of his own depression so I wouldn't say he's making any sort of recovery at all frankly. He's enabling himself day in day out and that is not acceptable.

It's fair enough for a certain amount of time sure, but at this point it sounds like you are utterly frazzled and as a result I think some consequences are necessary if he refuses to leave the house and basically get a fucking life.

I've only read your posts OP so apologies if it's already been suggested - I am in a similar situation.

Married 20 years, in my 60s now and no plans to retire. DH and I both wfh. He has no friends or family or hobbies. So he's always indoors, working or watching TV. He works from the sofa. He's always there and I never get the house to myself.

It really is draining. It's difficult to do anything. Even housework. I don't want to hoover when he's sitting there, he never gets up to help.

I can remember his mum coming to ours to complain about his dad doing the same thing. But she'd recently retired and after a while she got used to it.

I'm planning to buy a static caravan with the kids so I'm hoping I can get away from him at weekends. Otherwise I pray for light nights and dry days so I can go for long walks.

Oh my god, leave him. This was my life exactly. I did leave in the end, and the new life I built has been fantastic. My life started the day I left.

The thing is, you don't realise how much it's been impacting you until you get out. You're so used to it you've lost sight of what a real life looks like. Ideas for grabbing an hour here and there, or spending the day in the office are just plasters on the problem. There IS a problem. His selfishness, which he excuses as depression, is suffocating your one precious life.

Christ - no wonder he's depressed - he does nothing. He could have another 40 years of sitting on his arse doing and achieving nothing. You can't live like that.

Can he have his own room with a tv in - so that you have time away.

I wonder what his story is? He may had a big disappointment to end up like that. I know of someone that has a series of horrible experiences with people and gave up socially. Plus, wasn’t very happy about living here. In the end moved away after a while and post divorce. Reports are very happy now in the new country and not depressed or home all the time. May be you need to separate and see how it goes?

Please don't show him this thread OP. It could push someone over the edge who has depression.

I have literally no idea why you are addressing those questions to me 😅I'm not in disagreement with you.

If you have some savings then use some to take a break. Get out of the house and have a break elsewhere for a week. If the children are older and their dad is at home they should be fine. Of course if you think he won't feed them or get them to school then take the kids and go in the school holidays. The point is to get away from him and the house for a while so you can think about things more clearly and work out what you want to do.

"I stay because of the kids, and the financial impact on them. Once they are older I'll be off like a shot".

That is a terrible idea OP. There is a litany of posts on here from now adult children wishing that their parents had actually separated when they were kids rather than staying because of them. They knew far more than either parent gave them credit for.

How much older too?. If and or when they go to university?. That will just pull the rug out from under them just at a time when they are starting out on their own. Waiting for the children to go off to uni and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing them?. What are you getting out of this?.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your H for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

If you prefer not to leave at this point, is it possible to carve out your own space at home? Is your home large enough for you to take over a room as your own that he doesn't go in to? Or if you're in a financial position where work isn't necessary, would finances stretch to extending so you had a separate space? Or even renting a flat to call your own when you needed it? I think you need to work on creating a life around him now one with him is so restricting. Which pretty much means living as though you would if you were single with your own plans that don't require him.

I think this is good advice. People can be ill. But they have to do something to get better. He appears to be happy as it is and it's not fair on you.

I didn't take vows of "sickness and in health" as it happens. DH has T2 diabetes. But he works really hard to control it. If he didn't and ate sugar all day, I would be justified in getting fed up.

Godspeed for your escape@WinkyTinky !

I think you'll be able to get through the next few years without losing your mind if you create a short term plan and a long term plan for yourself.

Long term is plan to leave as soon as your children are old enough - whatever feels right for you whether that's as soon as they go to university or get jobs, or get their own place. Until then you can prepare for this day and be in a brilliant position when it's time to leave - get your legal, financial goals covered etc.

However, you sound almost at breaking point so to get through the next 5-6 years you need a short term solution. Getting a job was a great first step. I think if it's possible try to find a space in the house that is just yours, do you already have an office? Can you create a space which is both office and also a recreational space for yourself so that you don't have to feel you haven't got anywhere to relax if DH is in the living room in front of the TV.

Explore whether there are any co-working spaces near you - it's usually cheaper than hiring office space. The alternative is do you have any friends/family who wouldn't mind you working from their space? Is it possible to do one of the two days in a cafe type environment? Or the local library. Some libraries have private rooms you can reserve.

Would it help if you saw DH as more of a roommate - you wouldn't bother nagging a roommate to do more even if you thought they weren't helping themselves with their lifestyle.

What does he do, when pottering in the house? Does he do the majority of chores? Cooking? Laundry?

Or are you working and then do the majority of the above?

If you feel you cannot leave yet. Then start looking for a better paid role. When working from home, maybe partly work in a coffee shop (or anywhere with WiFi) to get out of the house.

I would also speak to another solicitor. Your DH may not work but your young teens can chose who they live with, would they really choose to live with someone who doesn’t leave the house? I say this, as they will want to be dropped off to places and also go on holiday etc.

He may be entitled to a percentage of the house as you are married, but you are also entitled to a percentage of his savings and pension.

As an aside, if he chooses to sit watching TV for hours I wouldn’t comment anymore for your own sanity. I would also stop asking him too go to X,Y and Z, I would just carving out a life with your children.