Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

Sadly what you have said about him being the primary career is true. I've seen exactly his happen to someone else. Has has the DC every second weekend yet is still expected to pick them up from his and drop them off at activities because he can't drive. She has to pay him maintenance.

And yes, he will be entitled to a larger share of the house.

UNLESS the Dc are old enough to choose to live with you? I can't see that you've mentioned the DC's ages. But in your position I would be ensuring that I worked towards being more financially stable. Finding out exactly what savings he has in his name for the future settlement is vitally important.

But it wouldn't surprise me if the asset split was a 70/30 split in his favour. You need to make sure you have a job that is capable of sustaining a mortgage, yet flexible enough for you to have the DC at least 50% of the time. Chances are he will get enough to buy outright but you will only have enough for a deposit. You don't want to have that eaten up by reduction in universal credit until there is nothing left, so do everything to increase your earning capacity now.

It might look impossible now, but it will be worse when you get older. Most banks won't even give a mortgage to older women.

but it’s not ok to judge someone with a disability for not wanting to go out. Shocking that so many people on here do not seem to recognise that DH is managing an illness

He’s not managing it, though, is he? Or at least he’s not managing it properly. He’s got himself stuck in a kind of comfort zone/negative feedback loop where lack of going out is causing his social skills and resilience to rot, making it harder and harder to return to work and normality. Proper management of this issue would involve setting small goals (hobbies, errands, followed by some volunteer work, then a very part time job and so on, for example) and working on them step by step. He appears to have no interest in doing this, and prefers to sit there taking government money indefinitely.

So is it only you who is walking the dog? Or does he just take it out for short walks?

He’s told you he loves living his life, sure he does - he’s living the life of Reily! If you had a mortgage to pay and no savings, I bet he’d find a way to get back into work.

Staying together for the sake of the kids rarely works out. They will be noticing and absorbing all the tensions and arguments. Please go and speak to another solicitor and I would also try and accrue some savings of your own.

It sounds miserable OP. Definitely get more legal advice e.g. the CAB. Also, ask the CAB if they can point you in the direction of any other free legal clinics, law centres, or support organisations.

I'd gather a folder of key financial details (pensions etc) and any other important information that an advisor would need to know (e.g. benefits). If you can, perhaps book appointments with a few advisors to see what the majority advise.

You mentioned that he wouldn't be keen on joining a gym. Do you think he would do some exercise at home (e.g. a YouTube video) to kickstart things?

In the meantime, look after yourself - lean on your support network. Also, would it be worth seeing the GP for your own mental health? Some GPs prescribe exercise as a treatment for depression. Once the course is completed, it might be worth asking your GP if gym membership is subsidised at your local council gym.

It might be worth contacting Mind if you're struggling yourself.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

How is his PIP spent?

Does he keep it? It should be used to buy in all the things he can’t do.

Have you never had a discussion with him about how he feels his illness is progressing or how it makes you feel? I’m on full PIP. Long suffering Dh is always very keen to tell me how he feels about it!

How’s communication about these things?

I feel your pain @Longingforsummer583 and I have a very similar DH. Never goes out without me, has no friends, has no hobbies or interests, and no family - except me and our DC who left home in the mid 2010s. Luckily he works part time, but he does permanent nights, and only does 3.5 days a week - 4 one week, 3 the next alternately, but he is often up at midday. I don't get a huge amount of time to myself (at home) as I work too - WFH. 22.5 hours a week.

When he is home I find it SO HARD to concentrate on my work, and thankfully I can be quite flexible so can do my hours when he is working, or in bed. He is so lazy and just watches TV all day too. He goes batshit if his favourite show isn't on and is obsessed with TV and watching films. I reckon he watches TV on average - 9-10 hours a day, (on days we don't go out!) and is obsessed with watching EVERY news programme... and is also obsessed with watching shows from when he was a kid - the 1980s and 1970s.

I get away from him by going to social groups/hobby groups, and also occasionally fantasize about him not being here. I can't leave as I cannot survive alone financially and I have nowhere to go. I am too old to start over, and I wouldn't want to ever be in a relationship again anyway. I also have no intention of struggling financially, which I would do alone.

He has tendencies some days to follow me around like a sheep when I am trying to do something, and is SO annoying. I have to tell him to shut up and go away. It's like scolding a toddler! He sometimes chatters over my TV shows, and also when HE is watching something, he chats over that and gives running commentaries. I am dreading retirement and having him stuck with me 24/7. Lockdown was a struggle, having him here 24/7 for 6 months.

I know some people say men should be entitled to their home as much as women - but no they shouldn't, because men dominate the entire household. They are so loud and overbearing, even their fucking sneezes and snoring.. Their presence is just more prevalent and takes over. They follow you about and they won't stop chatting shit. Women don't do this to men. And to make it worse, they hardly ever lift a finger to help and hardly go out. Hilariously, when the kids were at home, he was hardly ever in, and I was may as well have been a single mum. I did everything. Yet now I cannot get him out of the house.

Oh also, he never stops whingeing about his fucking ailments. Every month a new ailment and constant visits to the GP and specialists and clinics etc etc etc. They never find anything because fuck all is wrong with him. He is in his mid 50s, and has acted like a 107 year old since his late 40s.

I know I will get 'OMG - LTB' comments, and 'why do you stay?' and 'you don't sound like you like him very much!' and the like. (Or even 'your POOR HUSBAND!') Knock yourselves out. Makes no difference. I won't leave. Even though he is annoying some of the time, we do get on OK, and some women have much worse husbands, and we have a good time on meals out, day trips, and holidays, and generally when he is occupied and has something to think about other than when the news is on next!

And maybe it's partly my fault for being intolerant, Also, I like my life. Comfortable financially, house paid for, good amount of savings, car of my own, cushy well-paid WFH job, friends, lovely area I live in, and I am not leaving and living in poverty. I just manage it - my DH being so annoying sometimes - and try to have some life away from him. I WISH he would find some friends and get some hobbies. It would be SO much easier to tolerate him, if he wasn't ALWAYS FUCKING THERE!

@EbonyRaven blimey- I could have written much of that myself- even down to the ailments -except my H is an incredibly hard worker - but from home- luckily I do the reverse and have a desk in town even though we work in the same business -he also doesn't watch hours and hours of TV - but yes it's mainly stuff like old series on Talking pictures - situation similar though

More importantly, the children! He's not parenting them or being any sort of role model and he's treating his wife like shit!

It sounds very stressful for you OP, going to work to get out of the house rather than being at home with your husband! And I feel so many people do that, say they are happier at work than at home. I don't blame you at all, if it was me in your shoes I'd be doing the same. As much as I love my husband being with him 24/7 would drive me nuts! It's not healthy on a relationship to be in each others faces day in, day out. I know I'd do my husband's head in if I was under his feet all the time. It would be a case of who's gonna break first?! 🤣. I personally feel you & your husband need to sit down & have a good long heart to heart talk with one another about where the future lies. Depression is a horrible time not just for the person who's depressed but ones around that person too. I mean that in it's sad to see someone you love not enjoying life but rather struggling with it instead & takes a lot of time, patience & commitment to hopefully see the old them return. Been there in depression myself but also to ones in my life & sadly lost a few along the way . It sounds like you do love your husband but hoping the old him will return so you both can enjoy being together & look forward to a brighter future but still independent enough to want to do your own things also as that's just as important to be your own self. Good luck OP🤞

Ahhh, I have a potential solution for you. 4 girlfriends got fed up with their husbands when they retired so they rent a tiny flat in a nearby town, they all use it at different times, sometimes all together. It is a real haven for them. Parties there too, and games nights.

@EbonyRaven your story doesn't check out. You say you wouldn't survive financially without him, but also say you have a good amount in savings and well paid cushy job. It sounds like you would survive just fine without him, just maybe had to give up a cushy financial existence and you don't want to that. Which is fine, but don't lie that you wouldn't survive financially without him to get mumsnetters to feel sorry for you, only to admit the truth 5 seconds later lol

@logo1236 and that's the big difference with me- we don't own our house, don't have hefty savings and work together - to be honest I would just like mine to be bothered enough get some local friends- it's not that easy when you are older though - especially if self employed and not sporty etc

OP can't afford to rent a desk two days a week though, so this won't be possible?

@logo1236

I mean I have a good amount of savings with my DH, and yeah my job is quite well paid, but I would not be so comfortable alone, and would struggle. THAT was my point, I would struggle alone. Have you not heard of the cost of living crisis and massively fucking extortionate private rents, and exorbitant interest rates? I could NOT afford to buy a house on my own. I said comfortable financially - obviously whilst with my DH. I am not a millionaire! MANY people are OK financially and able to make some savings when in a relationship, but struggle alone!

But you knew all that, didn't you?

I don't know why I am explaining myself to the likes of you, but I am NOT trying to make people feel sorry for me FFS. How DARE you say 'my story doesn't check out' The cheek of you! How DARE you?!

I was just empathizing with the OP and telling my story. You just look like you're spoiling for a fight so I won't be responding to you again.

!

@Crikeyalmighty

@EbonyRavenblimey- I could have written much of that myself- even down to the ailments -except my H is an incredibly hard worker - but from home- luckily I do the reverse and have a desk in town even though we work in the same business -he also doesn't watch hours and hours of TV - but yes it's mainly stuff like old series on Talking pictures - situation similar though

Glad it's not just me! I think there are quite a number of us who have husbands like this!!!

That is the difference with me- we don't own our house, don't have hefty savings and work together - to be honest I would just like mine to be bothered enough get some local friends- it's not that easy when you are older though - especially if self employed and not sporty etc

You say you don't have much savings and work with your DH and that's a reason to stay - (even though you would really like him to just get out more and don't necessarily WANT to leave.) But the truth is that even though I have a decent paid job and some savings with DH, and my lifestyle is comfortable, if we split, it would be totally different. My wage would not go far, I could not afford to rent alone, and I could not afford to buy. We are not millonaires! We are just comfortable.

My point was that I would rather manage it - the situation with DH - and live my fairly comfortable life around him, (and with him sometimes,) rather than leave, and struggle a lot on my own - which I would! Most people would.

Could he try being locked out of the house for short amounts of time every day with the time he has to stay out gradually increasing? Would he be willing to try a task like that? Has he got anywhere nearby he could go to - a coffee shop , library, cinema, a bus ride etc? Try to give him simple goals perhaps with rewards for staying out a certain amount of time everyday.

Yes.

I absolutely feel for you OP and you are not being unreasonable. I love pottering about the house by myself. Your husband’s mental health does not trump your mental health and preventing mental health issues is really important.
There have been times when my husband and children have been home for extended periods and I found going to a coffee shop with a good book restored my sanity and need for alone time. I know it’s not a perfect solution but it may help on those desperate times

I think the thing that can be changed is the living situation

Given divorce starts at 50/50 and takes into account pensions, savings, property, investments etc that each party owns jointly and individually. That includes his big savings pot. I would start getting evidence of how much he has in all his accounts and I would also start to keep a diary of what he does and what you do and around the house and for the children

Usually after everything has been assigned a price tag, the judge then rules how much percent each party will get.

Either party might look at the list and say they want the house but if the percentage they get isn’t enough then the house will be sold and the money split

it is usually the sahp who gets custody of the dc but if that person is only at home due to longterm health issues that can mean they are too unwell to look after dc

then they can’t be classed as a functioning SAHP.

Could he perhaps live with his like minded mother,,? At least for a while.

As someone who has a stbexh doing very much the same things.
This isn’t just a bit frustrating
This is affecting op’s own mental health

Why is one persons mental health more important that anither

"But he's always been a homebody before this."

He has depression, He doesn't work (understandly hope he is getting benefits) He cut everyone off, doesn't have any friends, doesn't like engaging socially, sounds introverted and is very happy living a more reclusive life.

You two are incompatible, and miserable together. It isn't healthy to remain in such a situation.

He doesn't seem much of a partner, you're more extroverted,and you're longing for peace, space, and compatible companionship. You're lonely within your relationship, and it's boring.

Don't live in misery. Tend to your own mental and overall health and happiness.
Don't continue to stay.

You are entitled to half of his savings there are no personal savings within a marriage and it could be better to get your hands on half of it now before he uses it up. It's up to you what you are willing to put up with. It takes 2 to argue so maybe just walk away from it. Keep to separate rooms within the house and go out for peace. It's not just that he's there, more that he's not nice to be around, I'm sure you'd mind less if you actually liked him, but what's to like. Maybe review when youngest hits 18 if set on staying? He can't then claim to be a main carer. Does he actually do any caring in his state though anyway? Your DC's are old enough to be listened to about who they live with - do you really think they would chose him in his state? I think you are focusing on worst case scenarios that simply won't happen and should get a better opinion from a different solicitor. You are probably putting up barriers to leaving out of fear, rather than reality.