Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

Poor you OP! That is so tough

it is not just that he is at home all the time, it is also that he is extremely boring, completely dependent on you for all his emotional and psychological needs, and it is really hard on you. It’s no fun, it is suffocating and claustrophobic!

I never understand people like you actively pouring divorce into the ear of a mother with children when all you know is that she’s a bit frustrated with her living situation. I think you should be ashamed.

He sounds unbearable. I haven’t got anything productive to add, but I’m so sorry for you.

Buy a holiday home or a static caravan maybe a dog for company! Go for long weekends and do your days from home there then go home (if you want to)

Early 40s is far too young to have opted out of life! He still has another 25 years of work life. Is there nothing that he is interested in doing?

In the meanwhile you have your own mental health to consider: Is your home large enough for you to have your own room? Is there a spare room? I would discuss having separate bedrooms, which would let you have your own space. Then throw yourself into a big redecoration project to make it totally yours. Get it exactly how you want it.

I suspect that you are also beginning to fixate on him being at home all the time. When I was younger I had a flatmate who was a homebody and she never went out. She was always there, at home. It didn't bother me too much as I had my own room to retreat to and shut her out.

You need your own retreat.

The more you post, and others do, the less I believe what your solicitor said.

No way could your husband be classed as the primary carer for the children -he doesn't do any caring. He himself will say he can't be relied upon! You will need the family home,not him.

it's worth pointing out his PIP is supposed to support him while his life is so curtailed. As such it can and should pay for cleaners, dog walkers, food deliveries - as he is unable to clean the house,walk the dog, go to the supermarket. Perhaps your DH should be contributing towards these kind of things?

Plenty of single parents receive full rate pip and can raise and look after children, they don't lose custody of their children.

I'm not saying that OP is not valid in feeling the way she does about him or that she won't get custody, especially as the children are teens they will be given a say about who they want to live with, but someone receiving PIP does not mean the other parent can't look after their children and can't have custody or 50/50

I feel for you. This would drive me up the wall. My ex was like this, no hobbies, never saw friends or family and then during lockdown he worked from home so he literally never went out and if he did go anywhere, he wanted us all to go out together.
I never got the house to myself and felt smothered by him. It was also a bit of an ick that he didn't seem to have a life.
Maybe if you tell him how you feel , he might get himself out more? Does he have any idea how fed up you are with it?

We built a log cabin, for escape,😅it has worked, we discuss my art studio time and his WFH needs (discuss is a work in progress, but not arguing, just saying statements I'm doing this in summer, insinuate so you are not in there which is healthy, after a long partnership..., yep 30yrs unmarried to the lovely sod) he's no longer shouty and abusive with words, I'm still me! He's... well him, bloody beautiful boobie with blue feet, I visualise a lot, it helps.

what her DH and his team aren't taking into account is that OP doing everything she is, enables him to be at this level and not do anything. if she wasn't doing 99% either he would have to or the kids would be in care the dog rehoused and the home in squalor, so making even the tiniest effort on his part to give her some relief is a basic kindness.

I second the shed, idea or small space for either you or him, so that he isn't able to always capitalise on the communal living spaces 24/7.
its unfair.

everyone needs headspace no matter how loving and supportive they are.

I don't get cabin fever, my other half could do the school drop off, go to the supermarket and pop to a friends for a cuppa and would still feel like they had "not been over the doorstop". I WFH 100% and have long hours. My partner works 3-4 days. We split the household chores 50%.

I would not have a problem with the staying at home thing. Not participating in family life, chores and withholding savings would be a huge problem.

This. How do they react to their father's behaviour? Have they discussed this with you. Is he manipulative/coercive with them?

You need space and he needs to be less enabled by everyone around him.

It's not fair to prioritise his MH over yours.

What would happen if you said "I'm going to give up work and stay home every day and I want to watch the TV all day."

What would happen if you got yourself a MH team and mirrored his behaviour and just sank into oblivion?

Is his MH to come before yours - with the expectation that yours can never take a dive below his? It's really not fair. It presumes you're in island of static emotions/stability and that you're not vulnerable to his depression yourself.

It assumes that he's always been and will be worse off than you.

Very very unfair.

Short-term I'd say book a night every week or fortnight at an airbnb locally and go off there for the weekend to get away from him. the children could come too for part of it if you wanted them around for a bit.

Then yes a lodge/hut where I'd put a TV and a kettle and fridge and send him out there for most of the day. If he's not doing much at home anyway, why does he need the whole house to himself? He could go out there and be locked away for hours just zombified infront of the telly.

And yes get a second opinion for the legal aspect of things. It's not that cut and dried.

What a miserable way to live.
You're not going to change him OP, clearly this 'works' for him. He's happy even though he knows you are not. Isn't that a clear enough message?

If the financial benefit is worth living this life, there's not much you can do. This makes it the life YOU are choosing, so I guess you just have to find a way to make it work for you. He's not going to do anything FOR you.

I'd also take a long, hard and honest look at the effect on your children. What is being modelled, honestly? What does a relationship look like being to them?

I keep fantasising about living alone. I've even said it to him. But how can I split the family up just because I want an hour to myself occasionally? He never stops me from going out, i can do whatever I want, but it's just he's ALWAYS there. It wouldn't be so mad if it was pleasant to be at home but to just see him sitting watching TV all day and night drags me down

I could say the same, mine has just told me he's matched his days off to mine every other week. I work really hard and use the fifth day to get house jobs done and give myself the mental space to be a good wife and mum. I'm really not at all happy about having to give that up for a guy who uses his day off to watch TV and expects entertainment.

Perhaps worth starting a journal of what he does and what you do each day.

Keep track of any requests you make, the start and end times of childcare, food buying and prep, house cleaning, dentist/doctor trips, holiday planning, dog/vet admin, house/car insurance, buying kids clothes, haircuts, sporting or extra curricular activities, transport for play dates, laundry, car washing, watering plants, gardening, giving medicine, helping with homework and so forth.

I would ask for yourself and your children to be referred to the local carers network. You will find solidarity and comfort in not being alone in your resentments. Resentment will kill any marriage.
You also may need to see your GP and explore the issues around the stress and impingement on your own health that the situation is causing, maybe some counselling too?

At the end of the day - you can't change him - no nagging or moaning will change someone's behaviour unless they want to change. It won't make a jot of difference if you explain this until you lose your voice - the only thing that you can control is your own response in relation to this situation.

It's the serenity prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (Him)
The courage to change the things I can (Me, my behaviour)
And the wisdom to know the difference (Hollow laughter)

You can only change the things in your control and he's not in your control I'm afraid

And remember - continuing to stay stuck here is still a choice you are making. You can chose a different way - and it doesn't have to be divorce although you may chose that in the end.

Good luck, best wishes. My husband doesn't go out much - it drives me insane sometimes, although he's not as bad as yours so I can empathise.

he would drive me mad, I would end up shouting at him too
He loves his life but is depressed!!
Sorry but he sounds lazy and miserable

I would just tell him something has to change as you can’t deal with him anymore and then leave the room, let him think about it

If he can’t go back to work, can he at least do volunteering a couple of days a week to ease him back into society as if he is going to continue with his behaviour for the next couple of years he is going to end up useless, he needs to make some effort and you are entitled to some alone time as your own mental health is suffering…..it’s not all about HIM……it must also be very depressing for your children to see their father like this

He loves his life so much lazying around at home and being anti social that I doubt he has any intention of going back to work

I get your perspective but ever wonder what that feels like for your husband?
It's like you want to kick him out of his own house.
If you need alone time there are plenty of ways of doing it. Go in another room and have a cuppa. Go out for a walk. Go for a drive. Have a bubble bath. Just think of ideas and what you enjoy? And not attack your husband for doing the things he enjoys!

It sounds like an awful situation to be in. So frustrating.

It’s 💯worth getting a second opinion from another solicitor. This one isn’t too convincing. So you’ll know the practical side possibilities.

Then think about could you still want to be with him, not like he is now but if he became more like his old self? He seems depressed, could it get better? Or are you / is he too far in the way it is now, has it gone too far?

When you’ve got a good idea of your options (practical and personal) you could make informed decisions about what to do next. Baby steps.

On a more immediate plaster note - could you work on your wfh days, in a local Starbucks or similar? Loads of people do.

My god I couldn’t cope with this. You have my sympathy. Could you send him to pick up the weekly shop, click and collect? In the next town?
A few times a week?
Tell him you also want a drive through coffee on the way back?

Hope you find a compromise

You have to be pretty bad on full rate pip. I’m on it and can’t look after anyone.

l agree it is meant to be used to pay for services to help like cleaning, gardening etc. That’s how l use mine.

I think this scenario conflates two issues. It’s perfectly reasonable to want time alone in the house, but it’s not ok to judge someone with a disability for not wanting to go out. Shocking that so many people on here do not seem to recognise that DH is managing an illness.

A camper van can be a great solution and if DH would agree to go in there at agreed times it would give OP the opportunity she needs to have the house to herself. It might even help DH to start thinking about expanding his range of activities.

We realise it. It's ok to expect someone with an illness to make some effort to get better for the sake of their spouse and family. Otherwise, they can take the consequences.