Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

I do feel for you OP. I have read all your responses but not all suggestions so apologies if everyone has already mentioned this! Can you get yourself a shed for your garden? Go to your local recycling centre and furnish it and crochet or knit lots of blankets! It could be a little escape for you. Or could you buy yourself a little caravan and hook it up to your car and go off on your own or with your DCs for weekends away? Or if you have a driveway, just leave it there as a little escape for you. Obviously all these things have a cost but possible on a small budget I think? There's really nothing else I can think of to suggest other than turn a room in your house into your own space, just for you, but you may not have a spare room. I hope you find some peace OP.

I had thought from your first post that you were both late 50s, as it all sounded so gloomy like close to retirement with older adult offspring type scenario. You have to get out of this marriage if you're early 40s, that is YOUNG! (says me just horrifically turned 60). I was 'young' in my 40s and socialising a lot etc and your marriage sounds like a living death. You are young enough to easily find a better man and a better life. Get a second opinion from another divorce lawyer.

this. You'd be separating because you are no longer compatible and he makes your life and your own MH significantly worse.

If he was just a homebody that would be one thing (albeit I'd struggle to be in a relationship - what do you even talk about with someone who doesn't work, doesn't go anywhere or seem to have any real interests?), but "We never ever do anything nice together as couple, like a meal or cinema. When we see family he stays at home." He's putting zero effort into the relationship. It's all what HE wants. It sounds as though you have kids - a father who has a demonstrably unhealthy (mentally and physically) lifestyle and a mother who is miserable because of it but panders to him to avoid arguments isn't demonstrating a healthy relationship.

I don’t suppose you’ve got an extra bedroom that can be your private ‘sitting ‘ room ?

And for you and I this is fine but for OP sounds very frustrating

I have a couple of dog walks in my day and if dh need to chat we teams

25 yrs later all is well and we do not aggravate each other because we balance

if there is imbalance there will be resentment

You need a divorce . You deserve to be happy and live YOUR life. I strongly suspect your children will be abt to stay with you.
imagine life without this albatross round your neck!

Why should she though? Why can't he get his arse out the house for a few hours for the sake of his wife and so his kids don't see this as normality?

Your children are of an age where they don't need much 'care'. Maybe their laundry doing and meals cooked but otherwise they should be self sufficient. Is he actually doing any cooking or housework?

They're also old enough to decide which parent they'd prefer to live with. Do you think they'd actually want to be with him if all he does is sit on the sofa watching tv?

I'd get advice from another solicitor. He should hopefully have a good pension if he had a high earning job. That would go into the marital asset pot, as would the savings. He may not be the de facto 'primary carer', as above.

Think about this carefully OP. Life is too short to live it in such a miserable fashion. Get some good advice from another solicitor if you can, and go from there.

If his GP/psychiatrist are any good they will be telling him in no uncertain terms that a change of lifestyle is vital to recovery.

If so, HE can hideaway and watch telly there while his wife and children get to use their own lounge in peace. Let's not keep giving suggestions which assist his selfish behaviour.

@Longingforsummer583 Also, don't sacrifice or martyr yourself for teenage children. They will cope. It won't do them any good to have you dragged down into misery along with their father.

Why on Earth haven't you separated? It's sounds bloody awful.

Your happiness is important, living this way with someone who is dragging you down is a terrible way to live.

I'm a single parent and threads like this remind me why.

OP you deserve to be happy, enjoy your life and be comfortable in your own home, this situation is dragging you down and can't be nice for the DC. DH sounds as if he'd be ok doing his own thing indoors without you so if you can leave I wouldn't hesitate.

Good luck with everything

This is awful - you can’t live like this! He is bringing nothing to your life or your kids lives. He won’t even walk the dog?! It sounds like he is making no effort to improve things for himself or for you. Have you had any blunt conversations with him where you have said this can’t go on and you won’t continue to live like this? Depression or no depression he needs to show you that he is trying. This is no life and there will be a way for you to live independently of him - even if you had to downsize and get a small mortgage yourself- you will be so much happier for it! Please do what is right for you - it is your life!

Tell him he needs to go out not just for you, but for his own sake. Sitting inside all day will make his mood worse he needs to get outside in the sunlight and in nature (if possible where you live). He needs to help your relationship by helping himself.

He sounds like my FIL who is isolating and lives in isolation.
He has been like this for at least the last 25 years. I know my MIL found it incredibly difficult, resented him and lived a smaller life because of him. She died a few years after she retired and I do wonder why she didn't leave him.
My DH is LC with him as it is just so hard and draining

That’s really hard. I know I couldn’t live like that.

I would like to think that I would insist on the sale of the house and both live separately, because he can’t just say no, you have rights and he is not holding all the cards.

Im terribly sorry for you.

You need to split up, although I cannot see how he can be the children’s primary carer if he won’t leave the house and can’t push himself to make any sort of progress with his mental health

Whilst he might well be classed as the SAHP I don’t think he can parent without significant help from you.

Him being in charge of children is dangerous. What happens if he needs to see the doctor because one is ill or needs their jabs or worse if there is an accident. I don’t think anyone could trust him to go and get help.

It would also be cruel to leave the children with him, not only indoctrinating them into his lifestyle but also limiting their lives. How would they do any ECA’s or see friends for play dates if he can’t take them or collect them and have to interact with other parents

Ultimately if he doesn’t feel able to take the next step and try doing anything his mental health team suggest then he really isn’t capable of looking after dc.

You only have one life.
Leave this person to their life and you and dc go and live yours

He might have benefitted from your inheritance and you might lose money on divorce but if you are free from him you are free to meet someone who can add to your life and not take everything from you.

Does he take them to school or do anything with them? Does he drive?

Apologies if I missed that post.

@Longingforsummer583

God what a horrible situation! Is there any way to 'carve out' a private space in your home to retreat to? Spare bedroom? Get a 'she shed'? I know that's small beans but at least it will give you a place to go to get away from him.

TBH, for your own mental health you really need to separate. I know you've seen one solicitor, but maybe it'd be a good idea to get a 2nd opinion.

Consider and 'present' how much time you do the actual parenting including running them here and there, helping with homework, cooking, cleaning after them, well, you know how much you do. Just because he's 'there' all the time does not automatically make him the primary parent if all he's doing is sitting on the couch like a lump. Ask them how and what you'd need to do to show that you are in fact the 'primary parent'.

Give them a good financial 'snapshot' of your and his income and all assets (jointly held and separately held). As far as the house split ask again if he'd really get a larger share and if so, what does that actually mean? Especially if it's you and the DC needing housing vs him 'alone' needing housing. He could do with a one bedroom flat, whereas if you have the children, you'd need more bedrooms.

Don't give up until you have exhausted every possibility of getting out. Even if you end up in a flat with the dc instead of a house, you'll still be much happier in the long run.

I have to say if he carries on like this indefinitely - which it sounds like he might, either because he has chosen to, or because the treatment/therapy provided is not changing his behaviour even if he hopes it might (by some magic unknown) - then he will soon be at risk of physical disability as well as MH disability. The inactivity, weight gain and dwindling social contact must surely be sending him in the direction of diabetes, heart disease and quite likely, premature cognitive decline.

I am guessing of you put this to either him or his support team they will tell you you are being unkind and making him feel bad. But I would not be wanting to walk forward into this situation, either as your husband, or as you. It feels like a tragic waste of a person but the picture you have drawn suggests he is pretty much closed off to any change.

I would not find this an appealing future if I was you, and I would be wondering if I could organise a better one for myself, as it looks as though you (and the dcs) are the only ones you can help here.

If is five or six years time he is fully recovered, active and engaged, so much the better for everyone. But obviously its far from guaranteed , and it is not your job to get him there. And five more years of this torture won't do you any good whatsoever.

What about holidays? When is the last time you had a holiday, with him and the kids. And without him?

@Longingforsummer583 can you sit in another room to him to get your own space.
Does he do the school run or housework.
Get him to do shopping list and go do the shopping and organise the dinners each day you work.
Take something out of tv so it doesn't work joking
I like to watch different progmmes to my husband so we just watch on different tvs

One of the reasons I’ve not stopped working is that I’d kill my dh if I stayed at home with him every day. It’s a really good reason to continue working imo. Mainly to preserve my sanity rather than the bonus of earning more money.

Are you sure he would be perceived as the primary carer when he can't even walk the dog? Does he do a lot of caring of the kids - shopping, cooking meals, taking them to school, washing their clothes etc?