Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

I can’t offer much advice but just to say I totally get you with needing alone time. If I dont get my day off at home every week, it really affects my mental health. But luckily DH is brilliant and if he is off, will go off and do something so I can have alone time for the day.

It is not normal to never have any alone time and to spend 100% of your life around another person. All I can suggest is sitting down and explaining this to him. He has been through a terrible situation with his mental health (which has greatly impacted on yours too), so he now needs to respect that you need some alone time too.

You say you will lose out financially and you don’t want to split the family but we only have one life. Do you really want to look back in 30 to 40 years and regret wasting it, just bumbling alongside this person who can’t even consider your feelings and needs. If you’re not happy and you have really tried to make things work, which it sounds like you have, then maybe you need to start looking at taking steps to find a way forward independently. Try to look at the inheritance etc as sunk costs. If you sold and received half of the house proceeds, savings etc, can you get a mortgage for the other half and afford to pay it? Would the freedom make you happier?

Have a look at Men Walking and Talking. Is this something you think he would be interested in? It would be so beneficial for him, (and you) and maybe a way forward for him.

Thank you. It sounds the same as he goes out very occasionally to do a set thing for half an hour. I do that too. And very pleased he has a mental health nurse, I’m not sure what one actually is as I’ve never seen one. But that might be to address depression whereas agoraphobia and anxiety are separate illnesses, a nurse would not be able to help with.

just hope he gets the treatment he probably needs.

He is living his best life
You are living your worst

This is, quite possibly, an indefinite scenario.

Hard as it is, I think you need to consider the stark reality of that and make some decisions. As you yourself have said, he has zero incentive to change anything. He is content and has a team of medical staff and decent financial support on his side - championing him in his quest to live the smallest life possible. You are enabling this (not criticising - just stating) by picking up everything that needs doing and sucking up the status quo. Yes you moan at him a bit, but by and large, he is left to carry on because, depression...

I don't have a magic solution for you, but your DH needs to understand that your mental health is as valuable as his and give you some space. If he can't or won't do that, you do really need to think about more drastic and permanent solution.

It does rather sound like he has latched on to the bits of advice that support his wishes as opposed to the bits that he isn't keen on doing and support getting better. DH has very much done this with his physical illness.
You have my heartfelt sympathy @Longingforsummer583 , DH has been the same 2020, not depression but a physical illness has meant that he has decided that his lot in life is to sit and watch TV all day. He might go out on his own once or twice a week to a shop and that's it. We also have a dog that he never, ever walks. And I still do 95% of all the housework even though I work full-time.

Definitely this, it sounds like he is dragging the OP down & the longer it goes on, the worse her own MH will get. This situation suits him perfectly, so unfair on the OP & dreadfully unfair for the kids to experience too, they’re absorbing all this one way or another.

Short term fix - hot desk somewhere on your WFH days, or go to a cafe. Hire a hotel room for the odd weekend by yourself. Or build a garden studio thing as pp said. If you're actually minted, you could rent or buy a flat/room in a house somewhere.

Medium term - insist he goes out at least once a day, even if just the garden or to walk around the block.

Long term - tell him you can't live this way forever. If you break up, he'll end up having to go out sometimes (I know a lot can be delivered, but not everything, and it costs money). So he needs to deal with this at some point, why not now?

Completely agree. When my illnesses were bad if I had read something like this written by my partner I would not have carried on.

And for people commenting on depression it can be that bad that you can’t actually move. I’ve had to physically drag myself across the room on my hands and knees to sit in the shower. And that was it for the day, it’s a disease and a killer, that I’d not wish on anyone. And if you think others are trying to push you or take a bigger step than you feel comfortable with as you recover you relapse.

That may well be true @Tbry24 but the OP sounds terribly depressed too. Why does his MH get to trump hers? Especially when she is doing everything she can to keep the house going.

It sounds to me too like OP’s DH is very conveniently pulling the mental health card to get what he wants. I’ve had depression, anxiety, menopause related anxiety etc and I’ve only ever been off work a handful if times due to this as I’ve had bills and a mortgage to pay. Even when I’ve had considerable savings I’d feel awful (and oh wouldn’t look good on my CV) to take months off with depression. In fact when one of my best friends was fired from her good job after she’d worked for years, she went into a downward spiral and ended up moving back to her hometown, on high mental health medication and working cash in hand as a cleaner and taking benefits which she didn’t want to do. She was vastly and wrongly over medicated by her mental health team and then not long after this took her life as she felt she couldn’t trust them anymore.

I’m not disbelieving the DH here at all but it’s very convenient for him as it allows him as a pp said to live his best life. And not OP. I was shocked when I heard the DH was early 40s.

This. All the other solutions are just tinkering around the main issue. He's dragging you down.

So instead of one person being ill, the whole family has to go down with him. Such people can be truly cohercive and manipulative in the extreme. Then kids will leave, and where is the OP in all that. If she can't help him, and if he can't or won't help himself- then what is she supposed to do, and for how long?

The OP's wellbeing matters too.

There comes a point at which "put your own lifejacket on first" is good advice.

I'm the same as your husband but it led me down a path that made me realise I was autistic. I'm now diagnosed and I am also on antidepressants. I now go out a lot more. Therapy also helped. A lot of my issues with going out were sensory related. I've put things in place to help with that.

He needs to be willing to do this though. You need to talk to him about how it's damaging your relationship and your own mental health.

I wondered this. Especially as his mum was the same. Maybe he’s in ASd burnout which would account for his dislike of going out.

Compassion fatigue is very real. For years I couldn't understand people who seemed to be frustrated with their family member's mental illness. And then one day I suddenly found myself thinking "if I step out in front of à car, I'll be in hospital and won't have to deal with my family member's dépression for a while."
I didn't step out in front of the car but it scared me enough to find à therapist for myself and to take à step back.

Only because if he’s really feeling as bad as I do on the bad days and have done in the past before treatment for a long time he might end his life.

Im not saying it’s easy for the OP I think their relationship is over tbh as my partner has helped me through the best that he can not made me feel worse if I’ve had to have a duvet day or sofa day.

And to the OP do not stay because of the children it’s the worst thing ever to do, I had a terrible childhood where my parents should have separated years before they actually did, part of the reason for my MH illnesses. Living as you all are is very damaging for the wee ones.

im the same as your dh
my dh and I work form home full time
during work hours I see him twice
our house is a standard 4 bedroom
where are you working in the house? Is he bothering you

sorry to hear how miserable your living situation is OP

can the mental health team offer you any support?

as you have a garden, do you have space to put in a summerhouse or suitable shed as a space of your own? or would that aggravate your dh?

You poor thing. This is also my idea of hell. I need alone time too (and I'm a massive extrovert). The financial injustice if you were to split has me frothing with anger on your behalf.

Could you use some of his savings to build a garden room cum office for you? And only you have the key!

X post!

its similar here I am in a lot due to my MH and my DP works FT from the home office. We see each other for lunch when we try to get some fresh air but apart from that we are in separate areas in the house.

Then, as with this evening, we are in separate rooms doing different things. We have separate hobbies and interests and then things we do together like a meal, or a tv programme, go out to the seaside or to the park etc. We try to make the best of things even though both being at home is very hard.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain I wanted to thank your post but it didn’t seem right. I’m so sorry about your friend. I could easily have ended up over medicated too. It seems worse being in the system sometimes, especially with doctors who are not necessarily understanding of the situation with individuals and who see patients as datasets.

it will be another evening of playing catch up on work because I am on deadlines for tomorrow and have not done enough today. In this position, with no fallback, the options are so different than what the DH has here.

OP it sounds like you know what you would like to do. Call it a day and make the split.

But the fact you'd lose out in terms of him having savings and your inheritance going into the house, him being sole carer and you working etc .... It sounds like that is what is stopping you from taking the leap??

Perhaps it's time to get some more legal advice? Shop around a few and see say what they say.

How much does he have in savings? Is it a big lump sum, or more it'll supplement him on benefits only for a short while? Does he have any private pension if he was working up to 2020??

I'd definitely get some more advice on the legal side of it all.

But at the end of the day life is short. 🤷
It also feels REALLY FUCKING LONG AND TEDIOUS WITH THE WRONG PERSON.

If you split the house proceeds, you could use your part as a deposit on a part ownership home maybe? You'd pay the mortgage part and if you're on minimum wage you'd likely get help with the rent portion of it from universal credit. Something to look into perhaps.