I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

I’m curious: what unmet need leads a child to abuse animals from a young age?

''Pretty and popular?''
Really??

She sounds like an unpleasant bully , and rarely are they as popular as they like to think.

Other children are wary of bullies, and try to keep in with them.
She's bullying her own grandmother.. The girl sounds a mess, emotionally.
I don't blame her grandmother at all for not wanting to babysit this unpleasant little madam.
Probably spoiled and in desperate need of strong boundaries and discipline from the parents.

Agree. The OP is quite disturbing to read. Saying mean things about other children is obviously unpleasant but not uncommon. But the other details, the sheer cruelty and targeted humiliation, are worrying.

She is communicating that she is unkind, spoilt and undisciplined.

You missed off 'and a vile brat'.

@Emotionalsupportviper I don't think the girl will learn anything from the lesson, as she is clearly spiteful and has sociopathic tendencies.

There was a girl in my DD's year like this...oh my god the amount of meetings because X was upset, it wasn't her fault, her personal space was being invaded, she didn't want to be so popular. etc etc. Cue year 7 and X had been ditched by everyone in the first 4 weeks of school.

And what a horrible, indulged brat.

Social butterfly means she doesn't have any particular best friends, probably because they're all trying to stay in her good books.
Popularity works in a similar way, if she's loud and confident no one will stand up to her but rather they'll all pretend to love everything she does.
Her mum really needs to step in and put down some serious consequences for her actions, Most importantly her disrespect to you.

I’m not an expert - but some thoughts from other people…

• abused child might try to regain a sense of power by victimizing a more vulnerable animal).
• Post traumatic play (i.e. reenacting violent episodes with an animal victim)
• Imitation (i.e. copying a parent's or other adult's abusive "discipline" of animals).

The cruelty to her Grandmother reads to me like a power grab from a child who is feeling very out of control somewhere.

I have not worked extensively with children as young as nine. But I have with those aged 12 and up. Maybe this child is deeply lacking in any empathy - but I would get very curious about what was going on with them before writing them off as ‘a little shit’

@DeebeeClapham

"Agree,this type of acting out in a young child is a response to something. Try gentleness, take her aside, or out for a treat and talk to her, find out what she worries about at home"

Meanwhile, back in the real world. Sorry but the child sounds naturally unpleasant. She is delibertately cruel to her disabled GM and to the cats as well. None of this looks good and I think it's beyond a stroll in the park with ice cream.

Actually, it's downright weird behaviour - why would the kid want to sit in a toilet, just to stop their grandmother using the loo? Very strange.

Psychopath in the making

I honestly think you need to speak up OP. It’s not really about parenting her, it’s more about forcing your daughter to truly recognise what’s happening. It sounds like the child is just getting away with being utterly horrible to you. You want to be part of their lives but that can’t involve being abused like this. I think it’s important not to allow the gc to “win” by getting you to leave without any unpleasantness. Is that what she’s working towards?

@DriftingDora because she is sociopath..

Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others.

It's power play..she's nasty and mean, and so far that's worked for her.

I have a friend with three children first two lovely, the third...oh my god, a nasty mean, horrid child. another mum said "he is the most unlikable child in the world" he was/is. Parenting want to play he just has a mean streak.

Unlikely to want to be a nurse, a doctor like her mum maybe.

It's been a while since I posted on the relationships board, when did the nasties from AIBU come over and start being deliberately unpleasant on here?

Quite polarised responses whilst I was working. I can't reply to everyone but there were a couple of questions.
There's a lot of 'gentle parenting' (is that what it's called?) coming from DD. Appealing to her better nature, telling her she's upsetting granny so she shouldn't do it again. I don't think it works on children who simply couldn't care less what other people think. Susan in the story above obviously took it to heart and changed.
DD is usually socialising when I am babysitting. I've never asked her to come home.

I can't wrestle her off the toilet, no. Neither do I think parenting is done by 'voice' (do you just mean shouting?) I admit I have cried, DGD thinks this is funny.

We all adore all animals and are nice, empathetic people, I don't think DGD has learned this behaviour from home.

I think this is unlikely. Just her version or your dds version.

Your daughter is letting your gc down. You're right to step away. I'm surprised you haven't already.

Do you have a mobile, can you record your granddaughter acting/talking like this?
if so then show it to your daughter while grand daughter is there, maybe shaming her will help, also you will get to hear what daughter is doing to stop grand daughter behaving like this, just talking to your daughter is not helping you, she will just get sick of hearing it and do nothing, proof is in the pudding.

She sounds really quite nasty. But she is a kid and we all go through stages - her mum really needs to be firmer with her to stop it from becoming who she is!

Id say why you will no longer be babysitting and it might prompt mum to be tougher!

Don't be a doormat.

The child needs discipline and if her behaviour affects you, it's important you deal with it.

If you don't feel able to parent your granddaughter, then you need to parent your own daughter and lay down some unbendable ground rules for your visits.

This child sounds like a bully.

I wouldn’t like your dgd either she sounds like a really nasty bully
Even bullying you.
You need to tell her parents how horrible she is.
Perhaps she is being spoilt and told she can do no wrong. Perhaps she’s being bullied at school and it’s affecting her behaviour.

She sounds more entitled than bullied but her parents should ask the school
It is OK for you to tell her when she’s not being nice.

I agree with most of the PP on the thread with their advice, and I am not having a go at you OP, because this situation shouldn't have been allowed to occur more than once or twice at the most, before it was dealt with very firmly by your DD. But this is a bit odd:

"I’m not going to be parenting her"

If you are babysitting, especially if it is a regular thing and you are related to the child, you are in loco parentis and it is literally your job during that period to speak up and to set the boundaries for behaviour, especially the toilet problem. Obviously within a reasonable parenting-style framework your DD has set (if she has but it doesn't sound like there is one). How passive are you that you don't speak up to either your DGD or your DD properly with regard to that?

Btw, single parenting has nothing to do with this whatsoever. Single parenting one child isn't all that hard, especially when there is family support (which in this case, your DD is very much taking for granted).

Excellent idea @Barney60 !

She sounds absolutely horrible

Single parenting by my DD is simply a statement of a fact, as PPs were saying parents plural.

I think it's rather 'disingenuous to say Single parenting one child isn't all that hard sweeping generalisation much?

I admit I have cried, DGD thinks this is funny.

Bloody hell. That is not remotely normal for a nine-year-old and I don't think this is just a parenting problem either (although I don't think the gentle parenting is helping). I think there is something badly wrong with her. You know sociopaths are born and not made, right?

Also, you say she is an angel at school and 'popular'. I guarantee you that isn't the full picture, not least because you've also told us that she won't talk to a child who is ugly and she ditches her friends if she finds out they're poor. She will have friends who fawn over her because she is highly manipulative and they are scared of what she will do if they tell her to fuck off. She will be 'nice' to people she perceives as useful and she will be mean to people she perceives as weak (which is why she's so vile to you; it's because she perceives your disability as a weakness and she enjoys exploiting it).

I'm guessing she's very charming to her teachers on an entirely superficial level, because it benefits her to be that way.

So I did - sorry 😂